Dr. Gregory House Quotes

Livers are important, Cuddy. You can't live without them, hence the name.

You gonna trust me? I lie about everything.

Relax, I'm a doctor. Your spectacular breasts mean nothing to me.

And I responded with a number of trenchant remarks which made Chase cry. None of which I'm going to testify about.

Patient's in cardiac arrest. Ouchy!

Meet you in the cafeteria in 10. There'll be a corndog with your name on it. I mean an actual corndog. They fixed the deep fryer.

Dr. Gregory House: She's got post traumatic stress disorder.
Dr. Robert Chase: We got models fighting in Iraq now?

Dr. Gregory House: Wilson! How long can you go without sex?
Dr. James Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You already signed a release. He's gonna do what he needs to do.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, and if that involves chopping off my leg - I want to be damn sure it's necessary.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House...
Dr. Gregory House: I don't trust him. I trust *you*.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if I'd shot a live person, there's a lot more paperwork.

Seizures are cool to watch, boring to diagnose.

Religion is not the opiate of the masses. Religion is the placebo of the masses.

I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?

Inject him with Cortisol. The guy'll have sex with his wife again! He'll hug his kid again! Hopefully that's the combination he was using... be a shame if I had cured a pedophile.

Everybody lies.

If you're gonna kill me and rape me, please do it in that order.

I know you're in there, I can hear you caring!

All natural, no dyes. It's a good business - all-natural children's toys. Those toy companies, they don't arbitrarily mark up their frogs. They don't lie about how much they spend on research and development. And the worst that a toy company can be accused of is making a really boring frog. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get 'em in frog green, fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove 'em wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die then cough up forty bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop REALLY fast. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit.

Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything.

Dr. James Wilson: House?
Dr. Gregory House: NO, it's your other friend in the asylum.

What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.

Dr. Wilson: Ah, yes. If it isn't Doctor "Ironside."
Dr. Gregory House: Ah, if it isn't Doctor "I Had No Friends When I Was Growing Up, So All I Did Was Watch TV By Myself, Which Is Why I Can Now Make Constant Pop Culture References Which No One Understands But Me."
Dr. Wilson: That's my name. Don't wear it out.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Pretend time's been going on long enough.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't have a medical license. All I can do is pretend.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And I'm going to have payroll send over some pretend checks starting tomorrow.

Dr. Gregory House: You don't have a problem with what I did?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done, trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane; so, when I hired you, I also set aside fifty thousand a year for legal expenses. So far, you've come in under budget.

One small feel for man, one giant ass for mankind.

Welcome to the world of maternal mirror syndrome. Mom's body is like an intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time. When she gets pregnant, it's like a new station opening in Dusseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things, bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks, get electrocuted. Before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you've got a bunch of angry Germans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain't good for the Jews.

You have only one decision to make: do you leave here with one dead son or two?

You dosed me!

I wouldn't have tortured you if I knew you liked it.

Dr. James Wilson: Sounds like you had fun last night.
Dr. Gregory House: You believe Chase?
Dr. James Wilson: I believe Foreman. And they had fun with you. What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: I realized they could be my friends.
Dr. James Wilson: You're serious?
Dr. Gregory House: And then I sobered up.

There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends, and there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.

Dr. Dave Broda: Hey! You're insane!
Dr. Gregory House: But I'm right!
Dr. Dave Broda: I hope you are because I can't let you out now.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You're bleeding.
Dr. Gregory House: A little thing called a bus crash. It's just a scalp laceration. It could be hidden in his optic chiasm.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's coming from your ear. You think that's a good thing?

What do you got against chickens? One of them got choked last night because of you.

Childproof. How many kids are hopped up on Vicodin?

Dr. Gregory House: I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's... fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and believe. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thank you.

Dr. Gregory House: The trauma must have stimulated a pre-existing heart condition.
Dr. Chris Taub: Autoimmune congenital anomaly, blood clotting disorder, lead poisoning...
Thirteen: Could be anything.
Dr. Gregory House: Great! Let's explore that. Quick, get her on panacea.

Dr. James Wilson: Pretend to apologize.
Dr. Gregory House: You want me to lie?
Dr. James Wilson: There's a lovely symmetry to it. A lie got you into it, a lie gets you out of it.
Dr. Gregory House: Everybody lies. I'm sure Cuddy... Just need to give her a chance.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, that must've been what I meant.

Dr. Allison Cameron: This is not what she wants!
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's being manipulated by a morally guilty brother and a legally guiltier doctor.
Dr. Robert Chase: You think she wants to die?
Dr. Allison Cameron: She's dying either way.

Martha Masters: So humanity is apathetic and self-serving?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah.

Thirteen: You are the champion of not dealing with your problems.
Dr. Gregory House: My grandson gave me a mug that says that.

I don't care what anybody says. I care what they do. Right now, Blackpoleon Blackaparte has got the nurses on red alert, I can't get into the patient's room. So come on, I'll draw the enemy fire, you outflank them, get in there, get the bone marrow sample.

Is anybody here a doctor?

Cath him, and see what's stopping him from emptying his bilge. Oh, not you, Chase. Sending Captain Micropenis to deal with what's probably normal-sized equipment? That's too cruel even for me.

Oh, bite me!

She seems so dumb. But when the pressure was on, she knew what had to be done and she did it.

Dr. Gregory House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here. If Cameron kills someone, Chase takes over. There's a flowchart in the lobby.

Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood Preschool. Problem is Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich.
Dr. James Wilson: And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.
Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy cares about her, which means when Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. Then, as a boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive and consoling.
Dr. James Wilson: Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine.
Dr. Gregory House: "Play date" being their code for "way to weed out the paste sandwiches." They'll hand her puzzles and counting games and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces.
Dr. James Wilson: Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker.
Dr. Gregory House: Thanks for the advice.

I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back is turned you wait in line?

Dr. Gregory House: How many friends do you have?
Lucas Douglas: Seventeen.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously? Do you have a list?
Lucas Douglas: No, I knew this conversation was really about you, so I just gave you an answer so you could get back to your train of thought.

You know, "Stacy" in the original Greek means "relationship killer".

Dr. Gregory House: You're a P.I. who can't lie?
Lucas Douglas: I can lie. I'm just not all that good at it.

When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. Now she's protecting a boyfriend. Hospital's not going to put up with that for long, so I need you to protect me from doing something that Cuddy will regret. See you bright and late tomorrow.

Dr. Gregory House: Just some stuff that can cause severe nausea, and permanent erctile disfunction. And which proves that your mom is doing the help. According to her diary, some contractor named Jesus, which granted, was originally a Jewish name.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Go mom.

Dr. Gregory House: Brain's clean. Moving on.
Dr. Remy Hadley: To where? We've gone from making no sense to making less sense and then taking a step backward.

I know you're in there. I can hear you caring.

Nadia: Why are you doing that?
Dr. Gregory House: More important question is, why are you?
Nadia: It's just a habit.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a habit that compels you in an obsessive way that's so bad it's a disorder.
Nadia: I don't have OCD.
Dr. Robert Chase: Each brain with OCD has its own way of filtering it. Some people wash their hands and hoard TV Guides, you do puzzles and hoard memories.
Dr. Gregory House: So what we thought was a gift, was just you literally obsessing over your own life.
Nadia: That's why I can't stop the memories even when I try. But everything else? My kidneys...
Dr. Gregory House: Your memory was a symptom of a symptom of a larger disease. You have McLeod's syndrome. It's rare genetic disorder that affects the nervous system, blood and can cause OCD.

Ultrasound her uterus this time. See if there's something growing in there that doesn't look adorable in a onesie.

Who put sand in her vagina?

Dr. Chris Taub: You've discovered that one of us has been hiding the ability to stretch or shrink themselves?
Dr. Gregory House: No. I would never out someone's superpowers.

I didn't know people actually read e-mails, the delete button is so conveniently located.

Thirteen: Drugs? How many trials are you on?
Brandon: Three.
Dr. Gregory House: Admirable. Not many idiots have that much ambition.

Dr. Gregory House: Prep him for exploratory surgery and start the betting.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Betting?
Dr. Gregory House: I got a hundred bucks says it's a pea.

God, you're good! You're putting me to sleep!

There's a lot of people here today. Including some from the Corps. And I noticed that every one of them, is either my father's rank, or higher. And that doesn't surprise me. Because if the test of a man is how he treats those he has power over... it was a test my father failed. This man you're eager to pay homage to, he was incapable of admitting any point of view but his own. He punished failure, he did not accept anything less than... He loved doing what he did, he saw his work as some kind of sacred calling, more important than any personal relationship. Maybe if he'd been a better father, I'd be a better son. But I am what I am because of him, for better or for worse.

Dr. Gregory House: Oh grow up. If porn was bad why would there be so many nuns in it?
Dr. James Wilson: Why is she mad?
Dr. Gregory House: I was myself which by the way she's supposed to love unconditionally.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Hey! Did you drop acid?
Dr. Gregory House: Why would I do that?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: To annoy me or maybe because you're miserable or because you want to self-destruct. Pick one.

Still not boring.

My head is on your vagina.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You induced a migraine headache in a coma patient?
Dr. Gregory House: Gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Have you even read an ethical guideline?

Dr. Chris Taub: House, call your mom.
Dr. Gregory House: What are you? My mom?

Dr. Gregory House: I RSVP'd two days ago. What? Do you think I'm a complete ass?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Cuddy walks away. Then stops and turns around] If you were already going why did you - ?
Dr. Gregory House: Foreplay.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Could pain medication cause an orgasm?
Dr. Gregory House: I wish.

Thirteen: Bubbles.
Dr. Gregory House: Is that your new stripper name?
Thirteen: Yes. And also we inject bubbles into the cyst and follow where they drift. They end up in the other organs, we know you're right, cut it out, she's fine.
Dr. Gregory House: Bubbles is right.

Dr. Gregory House: If you don't make it, I won't sleep with anyone for at least a month.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Make it two.
Dr. Gregory House: Bitch.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Could pain medication cause an orgasm?
Dr. Gregory House: I wish.

Another life saved by girl-on-girl action.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Get them out of here. My urethra is not for public entertainment.
Dr. Gregory House: But it is good time adjacent.

Awwww. Do you miss Stacy too?

If you're happy, then I'm -

Dr. Eric Foreman: Although, maybe we should have just played a few games of "Savage 21: The Revenge" Because that's obviously the best way to make someone feel better.
Dr. Gregory House: Keep talking like Wilson, and your face is gonna freeze like that.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Look, however bad you think you're gonna be in that room, not being there is worse.

Gotta go. People dying. The whole "circle of life" thing.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Teenage supermodel. Presented with double vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataplexy...
Dr. Gregory House: You had me at "teenage supermodel."

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Spider bite doesn't explain anything unless the patient was actually bitten by a spider. I'll do the exam.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't be ridiculous. That would be inappropriate. It'd be better if a woman gropes her. There's no sexual tension that way.

Dr. Gregory House: I thought you loved those 8 seconds.
Lane: ...I do... And now you're telling me that I gotta give them up... I can always find something else to love.

Dr. James Wilson: Heard you killed your supermodel.
Dr. Gregory House: Only for a minute.

There's more than one baby in the sea. World is full of teenage boys riding bareback.

They explained the returns policy, right? It's worse than video games.

Dr. James Wilson: You're scared because nothing excites you. Fun doesn't excite you. Puzzles don't excite you. What's left? And I was saying you're right. You're upset. You're depressed. Everything's going to taste a little worse right now, but... it'll pass.
Dr. Gregory House: It's understandable. You're scared because you think I'm falling apart. And you're trying to convince yourself that you're overreacting.

Cheese is the devil's plaything.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why do you need to negate everything?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't know.

Adult refsum disease... Fits all symptoms. Body can't process the phtanic acid and chorophyll. It's his healthy diet of green vegetables that's killing him.

There's two things we get stupid for, money and sex.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thirty-seven-year-old male with recurring blackouts.
Dr. Gregory House: Tell him to switch from tequila to bourbon. Worked for me.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, don't you think that's a little manipulative?
Dr. Gregory House: No, it's hugely manipulative.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He's 66 years old.
Dr. Gregory House: He told me he was 65. Liar. I'm outta here.

I have to admit, you have one of the best game faces I've ever seen - also one of the best game bodies.

You're not gonna feel a thing except this excruciating pain.

Dr. James Wilson: It's not all about sex, House.
Dr. Gregory House: Really? When did that change?

Hey, Cameron, how would you like your old job back? I'm asking because it's the only way I can fire you.

He's choking on his tongue, not his feet.

A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search.

So coloring inside the lines is more important than saving this girl's life? I was wrong about one thing - you are not exceptional.

Masters, there's no hurry. There's no wrong choices. At least that's what they tell people who make crappy choices.

Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about.

Thirteen: What did Cuddy want?
Dr. Gregory House: I kinda hit that last night, so now she's all on my jock.
Thirteen: Wow! She looks pretty good for someone on roofies.

Well, since she's still dying, the arsenic obviously wasn't killing her. Since she's now getting worse, the arsenic was obviously fighting the killer. It's a hero. We should be organizing a parade.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Three days ago, you said "no."
Dr. Gregory House: Three days ago, you asked me. Now you told me. Can't say "no" if it's not a question.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You're a hypocrite! If our job is to find out what's killing patients, you'd help this kid. But you'd rather play mind games to prove you're the only one with magical powers.
Dr. Gregory House: You wanted something all your own. Now you've got it.

The nearly-dead and the newly-bred have more in common with each other than with people in the middle. It's weird. It's kinda circle of life thing.

You know, I was just thinking. How much I wanted a relationship with no sex, but where I still have to deal with your mother.

We're smaller and better than chimps, bigger and worse than gorillas. For all our rationality, our supposed trust and fealty to a higher power, our ability to create a system of rules and laws. Our baser drives are more powerful than any of that. We want to control our emotions, but we can't. If we're happy, things don't annoy us. If on the other hand, we're sitting on crappy hole cards, little tiny things annoy us a whole lot more.

You really think that re-enacting "Dog Day Afternoon" is the best way to get diagnosed?

Start the treatment.

Why are you still alive?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards and a little less time staring at my breasts.
Dr. Gregory House: They don't match either.

Dr. Gregory House: You're suggesting that you screwed up because of a non-relationship with me. I don't know how I can help you because the only change you can make from a non-relationship is...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You want a relationship?
Dr. Gregory House: God, no. Just trying to follow your logic.

Dr. Gregory House: You know that relative to their size, gorillas have smaller testicles than humans.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, then you'd probably have an edge over a gorilla, but not over me.

Dr. Robert Chase: This is pathetic. If I strap a bomb to my chest, do I get seven doctors attending to me?
Dr. Gregory House: Dr. Robert Chase. On the off-chance you have some brilliant escape plan and are the vengeful type.
Dr. Robert Chase: Do you think he's the only guy in New Jersey with an unsolved illness and a pistol? I'm not playing this game.

Dr. Gregory House: Your High School boyfriend who dumped you. Leaving you unable to believe that anyone can rekindle and old flame.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: He dumped me after I hooked up with his sister.
Dr. Gregory House: ...Would you mind letting him down gently? I might've made promises that you can't keep.

Dr. James Wilson: Have you read "Moby Dick"?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a book?

Thirteen - Dr. Remy Hadley: You're a coward! You need to know everything because you're afraid to be wrong. You're so afraid of being ordinary, of being just another doctor, just another human being that you'll risk other people's lives.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm arrogant. You're the coward. You're terrified of death. You just want to cheat it by making it come sooner, gives you the illusion of control.

If it's worthy of the preface "obviously" then obviously it needs to be explained to an idiot. Do I look like an idiot?... Sorry. Cranky. What I meant to say was why don't scientists have groupies? I'd do you right now, if society wasn't telling me that you're just and underpaid dork.

Dr. Gregory House: Is Cuddy still playing?
Dr. James Wilson: The chicken is still in Piccadilly Square.
Dr. Gregory House: Brilliant. She'll never suspect that Normandy is her target.

Wow! Muscles and curves. My penis is so confused.

Dr. Robert Chase: This kid is not Esther. You screwed up, she died. I'm sorry, but that does not mean this kid is dying as well.
Dr. Gregory House: Geez. You get testy when you don't get any fuzz.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That's it? You're not going to argue why this case is beneath you?
Dr. Gregory House: No point. I'm in an elevator, I can't run away.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You can't run away anyway.
Dr. Gregory House: That's just mean.

If you two guys can't play nice together, I'm taking away your toys.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Any idea why we're getting half as many requests for you as usual?
Dr. Gregory House: Democrats' health care plan?

Dr. Gregory House: I need a little help.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Inexplicable rash on a patient's scrotum you need me to look at?

Dr. Gregory House: I tried calling everyone else. You were the last one on the list.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why wasn't 9-1-1 on the list?
Dr. Gregory House: It's not an emergency.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Right. Are you suicidal?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She took the pills to sleep, not to kill herself.
Dr. Gregory House: Clever alibi.

Dr. Chris Taub: Why aren't we doing this in your office?
Dr. Gregory House: Obviously, because it would be stupid to do this in an office with no furniture. Cuddy overreacted to my overreaction.

Dr. Allison Cameron: We've got rectal bleeding.
Dr. Gregory House: What, all of you?

In seven months, you'll have a virgin birth. Merry Christmas.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
Dr. Gregory House: No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.

Why don't you just hang out in the video store and tell everyone Kevin Spacey's Keyser Soze? By the way, that ending really made no sense at all.

You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.

I was self-destructive. It won't happen again. I'm making changes. Stop doing stupid things.

Tie goes to the mortal.

Sorry, I was checking the stitches on my penis.

Dr. Allison Cameron: The chance of infection is next to nothing.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, I was never that great at math, but next to nothing is higher than nothing, right?

This is the favor? I was expecting something involving whipped cream and tongue depressors.

Dr. Gregory House: Tox screen was clean. He did, however, get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He was shot?
Dr. Gregory House: No, somebody threw it at him.

Lock up on your way out. Don't touch the piano.

This is where you say thank you. Or, I say thank you for not killing me. Thank you.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Do not try and force me to choose between my child...
Dr. Gregory House: I'm forcing you to do your job!

This another pet? This is going to end badly- again. Remember we talked about this? At least I talked, you stared at me eerily. I think it was eerily. Eerily was the best case scenario.

Dr. James Wilson: You're being cautious. You're being... common. When you don't give a crap...
Dr. Gregory House: How many of your guys have caught cancer from their patients? Let me know when that happens. Then we can have this conversation.
Dr. James Wilson: It's just another case, huh?
Dr. Gregory House: I'll bet you can even have unprotected sex with your cancer patients without catching a damn thing. Boy, I wish I had your job.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, I've got a DYFS home visit on Friday.
Dr. Gregory House: And I've got a W-H-O-R-E visit on...

Just, do what you have to do to get over this. Punch me in the face, kick me in the nuts: either/or, both seems excessive.

Dr. Robert Chase: You want to give Foreman a brain biopsy?
Dr. Gregory House: C'mon, really, who doesn't?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Get this straight. You break the law, you go back to jail. Scam extra Vicodin, back to jail. Flout my authority, make the hospital look bad, back to jail. I own you.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, massa.
Dr. Eric Foreman: See, that would be an example.

Dr. Robert Chase: What are you looking for?
Dr. Gregory House: I called my mom. She didn't pick up.

Dr. Gregory House: Come on, you're from one of the Twelve Tribes, you must know a ton of schysters.
Dr. Chris Taub: What type of lawyer do you need? I'll bring it up at the next world domination subcommittee meeting.

Dr. James Wilson: Ahh. Ahhh.
Dr. James Wilson: Dinner later? I'll pick something up.
Dr. Gregory House: I... I probably know a new vegetarian place.
Dr. James Wilson: Screw that. I want a steak. I'll meet at your place at eight.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't downplay this, House. You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.
Dr. Gregory House: Ooh, level three. You should call Jack Bauer.

Cuddy's gonna love you. Patient, on the other hand, is gonna hate you until the day she dies next week. Actually, this idiot will probably forgive you.

Hypothetical: if I'm offered oral sex from a sexaholic, do I have to decline? Don't answer yet. Saying no will cause both of us pain. Saying yes will cause both of us pleasure.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What is this?
Dr. Gregory House: He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Insulting me is not going to make me go away.
Dr. Gregory House: You're not here! Honestly, I'm not trying to make you go away.

Racing heart: Medical condition. Bleeding heart: Stupid condition.

Dr. James Wilson: You're accessing a webcam?
Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy's shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?

Dr. Gregory House: Because that would let Cameron in on the fact that I never intended to do it.
Dr. Chris Taub: This is going to be convoluted, isn't it?
Dr. Gregory House: Figured I'd ask her for something really crazy, so she'd shoot me down and get the whole I-can-control-House thing out of her perky little system. So the next time I went back and ask for something marginally crazy, she would see marginally reasonable and she'd say "yes." So yeah, slightly convulted.
Dr. Chris Taub: We're screwed.

Dr. James Wilson: Taking money from a sick person is ethically suspect at best.
Dr. Gregory House: What is this, Canada? All we do is take money from sick people.

I'm telling you, I'm going to drop the N-bomb if I have to.

The only time to strike back is when I want something. All I want now is to get things back to normal. Which I can't get by escalating. The only way to win this war is to lose it. Let her punch herself out.

Dr. Gregory House: I claim this burger in the name of Queen Isabella of Spain.
Dr. Jessica Adams: I'll go check on the patient.
Dr. Jessica Adams: I have hepatitis C.
Dr. Chi Park: She got it from me.

Dr. Gregory House: You don't have cancer.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You don't have dwarfism.
Dr. Gregory House: You have no proof of that.

Dr. Gregory House: Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't know. Maybe they wanted to take time off to spend with their little dumbwaiter but then they had to leave it at home with an elevator sitter because you drove the replacement elevator into quitting because you're incapable of listening to anybody but me. But that's just a theory.
Dr. Gregory House: You're wrong. I don't even listen to you. Either do your job or go home. Leave me out of it!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am going to do my job. Doesn't mean I have to do it happily. Doesn't mean I have to do it without resentment, and it definitely doesn't mean I have to do it without seeking vengeance on the person making me be here. Congratulations, you've officially dragged me down to your level.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay.

You're designing a kid. A loser kid! He's already getting pummeled at recess.

Dr. Gregory House: He asked for my advice before he switched you off the placebo. I told him to do it if he loved you.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: He only thinks he loves me.
Dr. Gregory House: It's the same thing! Yes, he's an idiot. You didn't ask him to do anything, you're pissed off that he did. So let him torch his career to pay for his sins. Unless you actually feel something for the idiot. In which case, you might want to tell him to turn around.

Dr. Gregory House: Speaking of which, how are your two baby girls?
Dr. Chi Park: Wow! Twins. Congratulations.
Dr. Gregory House: Awkward. He knocked up two different women at the same time, at least that's what he thinks he did.

Three rules for hunting fungus: location, location, location.

Solving puzzles, saving lives is just collateral damage.

Dr. James Wilson: And you blew it.
Dr. Gregory House: Technically...

As much as I'd like to kill you by dangerously lowering your blood sugar, murder would violate my parole.

Dr. Gregory House: He's got a temperature of 103.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And why do we care?
Dr. Gregory House: Because we're human beings. It's what we do.

You're angry because your kid died - more than that because you don't have an answer. People need answers.

I can run like the wind, but I can't think.

You gave birth to a freak of nature. Doesn't mean it's a good idea to treat him like one.

Tell Cuddy I want Ketamine.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where are you going?
Dr. Gregory House: Nowhere. Staying right here so we can properly discuss this.

Dr. Robert Chase: He's not in prison; It's kinda hard to gas a guy unless you can seal him in a room first.
Dr. Gregory House: Which is why Arceus created the universe with three states of matter, and three hundred solid and liquid poisons that could cause these symptoms.
Dr. Chris Taub: Arceus?
Dr. Gregory House: Look it up.

Relax, I'm not gonna burn you again. I'm going to STAB you!

With great power comes great micromanaging.

Gorgeous women do not go to medical school... unless, they're as damaged as they are beautiful.

So the tumor's not in the cool neighborhood. It's cool neighborhood adjacent.

Lots of people don't have sex. The only people who don't want sex are either sick, dead or lying.

Dr. James Wilson: Two people are happy and your natural impulse is to destroy it.
Dr. Gregory House: How do you know she's happy? She tell you?
Dr. James Wilson: No. Chirping birds flew out of her butt carrying a banner.

Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think?

I'd turn around and shoot you but apparently I'd miss.

I need thirty-six Vicodin and change for a dollar.

Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click "yes, I am 18." Even a 17-year-old could figure that out.

Well, that one clearly took evasive action.

I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what The Rock was cookin'.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Confirm she's faking or I'm going to have to kick her out.
Dr. Gregory House: There's that voice again.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'll give you 24 hours.
Dr. Gregory House: Consecutive?

Dr. Eric Foreman: I thought everybody lied?
Dr. Gregory House: Truth begins in lies.

Dr. Gregory House: Here puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Say "puss" one more time. It's the sixth puss that really does it.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym. Those who can't move their arms or legs teach us to laugh at others.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Is your leg hurting?
Dr. Gregory House: Is that question relevant?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're leaning.
Dr. Gregory House: You're sitting.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're evading.
Dr. Gregory House: My head's hurting.

Dr. Chris Taub: Her neural exam was normal. No subsequent seizures. It's not life threatening. It's not important.
Dr. Gregory House: Luckily, neither are you.

I'm proud of you.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Why are you pushing the crash cart?
Dr. Gregory House: Because patients sometimes crash, and they haven't yet invented a crash tractor for me to drive wildly around the hallways.

What's gonna happen here is that someone's getting a buttload of morphine. I'm not sure exactly who at this point.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: "No, Mr. Bond - I expect you to die."

Dr. Gregory House: [When House and his team are at Chase's bedside] Lungs, rash, now excessive RR variability. Go.
Dr. Chris Taub: It's a hospital. There are lots of doctors who can take care of him.
Dr. Gregory House: And your thinking is that only you guys are qualified to sit in this room doing nothing? If you're motivated by caring, just bear in mind, he's a dedicated chemistry teacher with a pretty wife and adoring students, baby on the way.
Dr. Jessica Adams: She's not pregnant.
Dr. Gregory House: Would it make a difference? 'Cause I could knock her up. Autonomic dysregulation...
Dr. Jessica Adams: Shut up.

If she likes crippled guys, I'm free for the next six minutes.

Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-rider jeans are hot.

Dr. Gregory House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: True, better be true and you're a pig.

She's the smart one. I just keep Dark and Darker to fill out the quota.

Who knew Mother Inferior was a smoking hottie. No wonder you're playing handsies with her.

Oh, crap. Another reason I don't like meeting patients - they don't know what you look like, they can't yell at you.

If you can't bring Mohammed to Princeton, bring Princeton to Mohammed. My diagnostics posse: Hot, Dark and Darker.

Dr. James Wilson: Worried about meeting your one-patient-a-week quota?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm a cripple, remember? Accommodations must be made.

My parents loved me unconditionally. Get out of here.

Dr. Gregory House: You know how you hate it when I meddle in your lies... uh, I mean your life?
Dr. James Wilson: Why are you being so evasive unless you have something to evade?

Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, I kind of feel like a bagel.

Dr. Gregory House: You know what this means?
Dr. James Wilson: Your mom's a slut?
Dr. Gregory House: That, and she's not as boring as I thought she was.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She has a mole on her right breast just below the nipple.
Dr. Gregory House: No she doesn't.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Don't toy with him. If you're going to fire him...
Dr. Gregory House: Fact that he stole your idea means that he cares enough to lie. That's all I needed to know.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You've seen her breasts?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went, "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House."

If he's gonna do anything for love...

Dr. Jessica Adams: You want to reject our current diagnosis because he... he had a few grey hairs, panicked and shaved his head?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm gonna reject your current diagnosis because I think we're wrong and treating for wrong diagnoses can result in side effects like death.

Dr. James Wilson: That was sensitive.
Dr. Gregory House :You have pretty hair.

Either we have all the clues and we're idiots or we don't have all the clues.

Dr. James Wilson: House?
Dr. Gregory House: Sshhh. I'm with a patient.
Dr. Gregory House: Sleep study.
Dr. James Wilson: You drugged him?
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't say the study was voluntary.

Oh, come on. This isn't because I was speeding. This is because I'm Latino.

If he's gonna do anything for love...

Dr. Gregory House: When did my signature get so girly?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I can explain.

Either we have all the clues and we're idiots or we don't have all the clues.

Dr. Gregory House: The sound of a needy child is stirring your paternal juices.
Dr. James Wilson: The sound of a needy child at 112 decibels has stirred my inner murderer. Don't mess with me.

Dr. James Wilson: You think I'm going to quit on this? On an 11-year-old?
Dr. Gregory House: The only relationship you haven't quit on has been with me.
Dr. James Wilson: Hmm. A needy, truculent narcissist. I think it's been perfect training for parenthood.

Dr. James Wilson: Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.

Dr. Gregory House: So, what can shred an epiglottis and make muscle disappear?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Mr. and Mrs. Kutner. They caused Kutner's death. Why not Charlotte's?
Dr. Gregory House: Mourning period's over. Foreman's sense of irony is back.

Dr. Gregory House: Roomies with benefits keeping you up?
Dr. Robert Chase: Cribbage. I played with Park's Popo.
Dr. Gregory House: Is that two separate events?

Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.

Dr. Gregory House: How much morphine is the husband on?
Dr. Robert Chase: We can't increase it anymore. His respirations are depressed.
Dr. Gregory House: Decrease it! Drugs cloud people's judgment. Cold turkey the sucker.

Dr. James Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.

Nice audible, Peyton!

Dr. Gregory House: Motives for murder.
Thirteen: House, it was a suicide. The police have already investigated.
Dr. Gregory House: They investigated what they saw, not what they didn't saw. Talk to friends, classmates, pizza delivery guy. And draft Foreman. He can make calls through his tears.
Thirteen: No.
Dr. Gregory House: Is that "No, I'm not calling my boyfriend, who apparently called my boss instead of me to say he wasn't coming in?" cause it's really not fair to have that much subtext in one syllable.
Thirteen: We all want to know why Kutner did it, but we're not gonna waste time chasing ghosts.

Dr. Gregory House: It was so perfect. It was beautiful.
Dr. James Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. Gregory House: And triteness kicks us in the nuts!

Did you tell him that statistics also say he's a big fat idiot?

Dr. Gregory House: His history said the environmental kamikaze was single.
Franni: He um, he probably didn't want me to worry. He told me he was in jail with some of the other protesters.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. No worries there.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Not for long, he wants to be discharged!
Dr. Gregory House: Of course he does. Places to go, people to eat!

The most successful marriages are based on lies. You're off to a great start.

Dr. Gregory House: Cameron sees a clump of dirt and she thinks of me.
Dr. James Wilson: Or a lump of something else.

House's House of Whining. State your complaint.

You're not on the guest list. Bachelor parties are an ancient sacred male rite of passage.

People who live in glass hospitals should not throw exorcisms.

Quid pro quo, Clarice.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Why not? As long as he doesn't feed the kid anything or put anything on his skin that we haven't verified is harmless, what's the problem?
Dr. Gregory House: I agree. And since we're establishing a new policy of "What the hell, we'll try anything," I'd like to hire Shakira to belly dance while singing "Waka Waka."

Sorry. If I'd known he was going to be this annoying I would have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. At least she appreciates my brooding melancholy.

Dr. Gregory House: I had sex with Dominika.
Dr. James Wilson: In a dream?
Dr. Gregory House: It wasn't literally sex. Technically, it was flossing. You know, teeth, testicles. I think the symbolism is pretty clear.

Dr. James Wilson: I'm still amazed you're actually in the same room with a patient.
Dr. Gregory House: People don't bug me until they get teeth.

Hmmm, good idea. Ignore the symptoms. Makes your job easy.

Dr. Robert Chase: Cameron is not going to be happy about this party.
Dr. Gregory House: But you on the other hand...
Dr. Robert Chase: Plan on spending the rest of my life with Cameron.
Dr. Gregory House: So... I need the cancel the Fart Band?
Dr. Robert Chase: So I need you to kidnap me.
Dr. Gregory House: Spoken like a true Aussie.

You don't want a second opinion. You're already on your fifth. You got Evans at Mercy, Shaw at County, Foster at Johns Hopkins. And every one of them has given you the same advice. You're nuts. You don't just want chemo. You want a dose so high, there's a one-in-three chance it'll kill you outright. Question is, why didn't you tell me? Because you knew I'd stop you. Which means you've already found someone insane enough or desperate enough to give you what amounts to a death dose of chemicals, but who would be that stupid? I'm thinking that the who is you.

Candy canes? Are you mocking me?

Can't you see his heart is fine? Stop torturing him! What kind of doctor are you?

She has God inside of her. Would have been easier to deal with a tumor.

Okay, fine! I'll father your child! But first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay.

See, problem with speculation is you make a speck out of you and some guy named Lation.

You know how it is with nuns, you take out their IUDs, they just bounce right back.

Dr. Eric Foreman: House, you're pathetic! You'll analyze anyone's faults, hypocrisies, weaknesses. But this kid's got some strength and all of a sudden, there's no time to talk about anything but the medicine.
Dr. Gregory House: He's teaching prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't, and life sucks. I like him.

Dr. Chris Taub: What if we put her on a heart-lung machine?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: She's septic. We don't need a heart-lung machine. We need a blood-vessel-hold-her-together machine.

Dr. Gregory House: Luckily, Alice Hartman has a mom who is willing to see reason.
Judge: You were in here yesterday telling me her father's guardianship was best for her.
Dr. Gregory House: I honestly figured I'd get a different judge today.

Dr. James Wilson: Wow. This is fantastic! How are you going to screw it up?
Dr. Gregory House: Several good options. Unfortunately I don't think she's going to give me the pleasure, she left before I woke up and five minutes ago she told me that I'm just an employee.

People don't change. You are a person. Ergo...

She's six! She's cute, she can't have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just wrong! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die of terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail, and it's because cowards like you won't stand up and do what's required! You can sit around and moan about who's the bigger weakling. I'm gonna go do my job.

Dr. Gregory House: Admit it - you're curious why I want to make her angry.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm sure it's convoluted, wrong, and stupid.

If you get an ear in the mail, it's probably mine.

Self-sacrifice is not a symptom of schizophrenia. It excludes the diagnosis.

I need to turn Wilson from a terminal idiot to an interminable pain in the ass.

I am a lot better. No painkillers. No hallucinations. Leg hurts. But it's manageable. Great job. Gonna miss you. Want to start missing you, as soon as possible.

You're the only one I listen to. The last couple of days I didn't and I almost killed my patient. I think it's time for you to accept that you're just smarter than I am.

Is a lie a lie if everybody knows it's a lie?

I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.

Things change, doesn't mean they get better. You gotta make things better. You can't just keep talking and hoping for the best.

I find your interest... interesting.

You like needing help when you want something off the high shelf? Not being able to press an elevator button above the eighth floor, having to smell ass every time you stand in line? You don't need growth hormone. It's just your ticket out of the freak show.

I didn't realize it was possible for a woman to be "unusually" irritable.

Normal's not normal if you're not normal.

Bed is for sissies. Unless you're having sex, in which case... no, bed is still for sissies.

Patient throws up on your shoes. D'you clean up MOST of it?

Dr. Chris Taub: You know he just doesn't want to live in pain.
Dr. Gregory House: Life is pain! I wake up every morning in pain! Work is pain! You know how many times I just wanted to give up? How many times I've thought about ending it?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Where's Cuddy?
Dr. Gregory House: In this drawer. It's a rescue mission, but I got it under control. You can leave.

Dr. James Wilson: We know you're back on Vicodin.
Dr. Gregory House: No, the only thing you know is that I'm a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don't know how I did it, or more interestingly where I peed.

Dr. James Wilson: When the cancer starts getting really bad...
Dr. Gregory House: Cancer's boring.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] You just don't want a cancer diagnosis because then you'd have to deal with Wilson.
Dr. Gregory House: Lung cancer is a lame diagnosis. Avoiding Wilson is an added bonus.

Dr. James Wilson: You're destroying your entire life. You can't go back from this. You'll go to jail for years. You can never be a doctor again.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm dead, Wilson. How do you want to spend your last five months?

Dr. Gregory House: Well, as long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. Gregory House: So between us we can do anything. We can rule the world!

"You are a ray of sunshine... on a cloudy day."

Oh my God... it's three years ago! Does that mean I'm still crazy?

Dr. Wilson: I love my wife.
Dr. Gregory House: You certainly love saying it.

Male menopause. High estrogen, low testosterone. Explains the temperature swings, disorientation. Endocrinologically similar to female menopause but without the vaginas and mah-jong tiles.

Thought I had detected the sickly sweet smell of maple syrup and socialized medicine.

I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son, you're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification - it's a beautiful thing.

Dr. James Wilson: You're a coward, House. You find fault in everybody because you're afraid to look at yourself.
Dr. Gregory House: Thanks. I was running short on platitudes. You can leave now.

Dr. Gregory House: They're out there. Doctors, lawyers, postal workers. Some of them doing great. Some of them doing lousy. Are you going to base your whole life on who you got stuck in a room with?
Eve: I'm going to base this moment on who I'm stuck in a room with. It's what life is. It's a series of rooms and who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.

Don't usually see brain damage after a rectal biopsy.

We are selfish base animals crawling across the earth, but because we got brains, if we try real hard we can occasionally aspire to something that is less than pure evil.

Dr. Eric Foreman: When is he getting his license back so we can stop playing this game?
Dr. Gregory House: Maybe never. This game is fun.

Dr. Gregory House: By the way, someone screwed over your girlfriend. She ran to me, Cuddy, and Wilson... everyone, but you. She's not over you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Or she is.

You took a chance, you did something great. You were wrong, but it was still great. You should feel great that it was great. You should feel like crap that it was wrong. That's the difference between him and me. He thinks you do your job, and what will be will be. I think that what I do and what you do matters. He sleeps better at night. He shouldn't.

Dr. Gregory House: Sweet ride. I asked for the one with a sissy bar and a banana seat, but Santa gave me this instead. Guess that's what I get for being naughty.
Dr. Julie Whitner: You must be Dr. House.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. So, looks like there's been some sort of mix-up at the parking office.
Dr. Julie Whitner: They had to move me closer to the door.
Dr. Gregory House: Had to? You don't look like the type to pull a weapon.
Dr. Julie Whitner: Wheelchair.
Dr. Gregory House: Cane. I think you should do the honorable thing, let me have my space back.
Dr. Julie Whitner: Oh well, uh... since you asked so nicely, wheelchair.
Dr. Gregory House: Cane! Walking long distances makes my leg hurt.
Dr. Julie Whitner: And it's easy for me?
Dr. Gregory House: Of course not. Pushing that little lever? The muscles must burn. I'm sure the last 10 yards are pure torture.
Dr. Julie Whitner: Crossing the parking lot is dangerous. Cars can't see me.
Dr. Gregory House: You ever hit a patch of black ice with a cane?
Dr. Julie Whitner: No, gosh, on account of the fact that I can't walk. Maybe you should ask the parking office for some crampons.
Dr. Gregory House: This is about who can most easily cross the parking lot. You're the winner.
Dr. Julie Whitner: Oh, and the prize is apparently a parking space.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: I told you Thailand!
Dr. Gregory House: I assumed you were lying. Because it would have been idiotic of you to tell me the truth. Yet another reason I have no use for you.

Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up.

Think the autopsy's going to have to wait a little bit.

You're talking about your penis in the third person.

You know what's pathetic is, you haven't gotten help because you want to feel bad. You want to suffer. 'Cause if you feel guilty, then you're not a psychopath. Patient needs some Carbamazepine. Now, I don't care how much that room scares you. You're doing your job.

And hang on to that DNR. That signature could be worth a lot of money real soon.

Oh my God. You're not wearing a bra!

You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking.

Hi, again. And I'm sure I can say this without being condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you, so... you're a kid, you're scared, you're stalling, Grow up.

I was gonna come see you. Figure out where things would go from there. That was the morning I got the call from the Dean. And I was expelled from my first Med School. Didn't seem any point.

Okay, you two, grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.

Foreman and Chase's lips are not gonna get so close, now that I know your plan.

Patients lie but usually only one lie at a time.

Dr. Gregory House: John! We're gonna figure out what's wrong with you, but first we need to know one thing!
Dr. Gregory House: Have you ever appeared in any pornos?

The only thing we know for sure about Jane Doe is that her name isn't Jane Doe, which means no medical history.

I've got a full bladder, and I'm not afraid to use it.

So his life of filth wasn't the problem. The clean living was.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're supposed to be in clinic duty.
Dr. Gregory House: Like I can sleep down there with all the crying and coughing.

Dr. Gregory House: Taub thinks it's a brain issue. Thirteen thinks it's multi-focal.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And neither of them wants to work here.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't take their word for it. Taub's problem is his wife. Thirteen's problem is you. Chase and Cameron's problem is the dead African dictator. None of them has a problem with the work.

Dr. Gregory House: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, or any other orifice for that matter, and given the right circumstances can bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy.
Dr. James Wilson: The right circumstances being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.

Dr. James Wilson: There are a thousand people in the world who want to be on your staff. But you're going after the four who *don't*.
Dr. Gregory House: They "don't" because their lives are irrelevantly and annoyingly complicated. Which makes them confused. Which makes them make poor decisions.

Dr. James Wilson: The only question is whether she dies in two months or three.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Oh, God!
Dr. James Wilson: You were right. There's nothing we can do for her here. Might as well put her back on the street.
Dr. Gregory House: Unless it's not cancer.
Dr. Robert Chase: Oh, you're joking?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, hard not to. There's nothing funnier than cancer.

I'm rescinding Mackman's discharge order. My lackeys will be in to do some more tests, take some more blood and empty your catheter bag. Not a moment you will want to cherish.

Dr. James Wilson: I suppose throwing yourself into your work isn't the worst thing you could do.
Dr. Gregory House: What is the worst thing I could do?

I take risks, sometimes patients die, but not taking risks causes more patients to die - so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.

I feel like Mike Tomlin. Probably not as much as you do, but you get the idea.

Dr. Gregory House: ... and chicks dig this.
Dr. Gregory House: Better than a puppy!

The urine you collected has been sitting in that fetus' bladder for weeks. And, as my pappy always said, "stale pee is useless pee."

16 splenectomies. Pretty sure he gets a set of steak knives.

Dr. Gregory House: That's why you're here? She wants you to keep an eye on me, make sure I don't cheat.
Dr. Wilson: No, I wanted to make sure you don't start firing shots from the clock tower.

Dr. Wilson: You learn anything?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. I'm an addict.

Hi. I'm Dr. House, and this is the coolest day of my life!

Dr. Cameron: What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: Trying to avoid altitude sickness. Couldn't score a direct flight to Cambodia, so I decided to scale Argentina's infamous Mount Aconcagua
Dr. Cameron: Perfect, except for the fact that you can't walk.
Dr. Gregory House: There's a tribe of Mocovi Indians who actually carry the elders up...
Dr. Cameron: You're insane.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm an insane genius.

What? You're saying I've only got one friend?

Heart is fine, breasts are firm.

Disappointment is anger for wimps.

He needs a new kidney. I was thinking the kidney people might have some.

Dr. Gregory House: Yo! Listen up! Bad news is you have an illness. The good news is, it's not meningitis.
Dr. Gregory House: It's not fatal. It's just embarrassing. It's conversion disorder. More commonly known as mass hysteria. It happens often in high anxiety situations, especially to women. I know it sounds sexist, but science says you're weak and soft. What can I do?

Call me when he's stable... or dead.

Dr. Gregory House: Give her twenty milligrams of antihistamine. Could save her life 'cause if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Delivering goodwill to yet another continent.

Dr. Gregory House: Why are you doing surgery when I need you find me a new case?
Dr. Robert Chase: You don't want a new case.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, right.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You put him on Lupron?
Dr. Gregory House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And you told them it was like milk?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. Gregory House: It's creamy.

Dr. Gregory House: Need to get a better look at your rash.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Use your imagination.
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. Shall I go with "Lifeguard Cuddy" or "Mother Superior Cuddy"?

I was spending time with you because I want to touch your boobs.

A secret club? What's the secret? They're all morons?

Dr. James Wilson: Yes, I slept with her.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. James Wilson: No.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes you did!
Dr. James Wilson: Yes... I did.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. James Wilson: No.

Twelve-year-olds don't have sex, right? So he can't be pregnant.

Dr. James Wilson: You! You! You! You were gonna let me do that?
Dr. Gregory House: You made a compelling argument.
Dr. James Wilson: You sent those flowers to me!
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, because you took her to a play. And because actually you do wanna march down there and kiss her.
Dr. James Wilson: No, I don't.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, you do.
Dr. James Wilson: You're right.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. James Wilson: No. You're a jerk.
Dr. Gregory House: Night, Wilson.
Dr. James Wilson: Night, House.

Dr. Gregory House: Nothing you can say is going to change anything.
Dr. James Wilson: I love this man! And I am not wasting another moment of my life denying that. Gregory House, will you marry me?
Dr. Gregory House: Wow. This is unexpected.

You don't want to burden him because you were such a lousy dad.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Restrictive pericarditis.
Dr. Gregory House: Boring.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's in kindergarten.
Dr. Gregory House: Less boring or Grandma's been held back a few years.

Dr. James Wilson: Ran into Nora in the elevator. She no longer thinks were gay. Now she thinks we're mendacious dirtbags.
Dr. Gregory House: Mendacious dirtbags comes more naturally to me. Least we can get rid of that.

There you are. Were you scared? It's okay. You're home now.

Dr. Allison Cameron: That's ridiculous. If menstruation is a symptom of brain cancer then I should be on chemo right now.
Dr. Gregory House: That's ridiculous. You're way too skinny to be menstruating.

Dr. Gregory House: Clue number one: if I were Jesus, curing this kid would be as easy as turning water into wine.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Demonic possession?
Dr. Gregory House: Close, but no wafer.

Dr. Allison Cameron: He went home.
Dr. Gregory House: Work smart, not hard.

But in the great game of chess that is our relationship, Wilson only sees one move ahead. I see dozens. That is why he will never mate me... That's a Chess term.

Dr. Cameron: Twelve-year-olds don't have sex.
Dr. Gregory House: Their mistake.

I know there are lipstick lesbians. Are there nail polish remover bisexuals?

Read less, more TV.

That's absurd. I love it.

First, "Hector does go rug" is a lame anagram. You want a better one for Gregory House? "Huge ego. Sorry." Second, find a new career. You're never gonna sell anybody if you let them control the agenda. And third, I don't owe you anything. I'm not Wilson. I'm not gonna buy a condo just to make you feel better.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. Gregory House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

You find the toxins, you run your bubble study. You won't find anything, but I'll get the office to myself. There's a lot of porn piling up on the internet. Doesn't download itself.

Hey, I don't care where an idea comes from as long as it makes sense and embarrasses someone.

Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr. Gregory House: And the reason you want respect?
Dr. Wilson: To... get laid.

Bitchinnnnn...

I gave you a choice between moving to Canada and shooting yourself in the foot and you chose the bullet?

Dr. Wilson: How do you know she needs a heart transplant?
Dr. Gregory House: I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.

Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong and your shirt is way too revealing for the office.

Nice grasp of concepts, relationships. Very smart. Very cool. First the policeman, the fireman, then the firetruck. Your brother was sending in teams to save the cat.

Dr. Eric Foreman: He has... acute scrotum.
Dr. Gregory House: Adorable. Please... much more dignified.
Dr. Gregory House: C'mon, how am I not supposed to make that joke?

Dr. Eric Foreman: The family has one kid with leukemia and one with autoimmune. Wouldn't stand next to them in a rainstorm.
Dr. Gregory House: That's your argument? It sucks for them?

If you really wanted to make a deal, you should have ditched the push-up and gone with a demi. Nothing makes a guy wanna close like high beams.

Dr. Gregory House: My car's been stolen.
Dr. James Wilson: Or rein car nated.

I think there's an infection.

You ever noticed how many porn sites have "mom" in the domain name? Hot moms, hungry moms, mature moms. That ought to make you feel pretty good

Hey! Stop worrying about your asses and start worrying about the patient.

Dr. Gregory House: Ever seen an infected pierced scrotum?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Uh... no, but I know a few people to whom I'd like to see it happen.

Dr. Gregory House: My patient is about to have a heart attack. It's gonna be massive!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, well, that's too bad 'cause I just got tickets to a stroke on the third floor.

Dr. Gregory House: Why are you suspicious?
Dr. Wilson: Because it's either that or accept the fact that you've done something nice. And then I'd have to deal with the Horsemen and the Rain of Fire and the End of Days.

You are one evil, cunning woman. It's a massive turn-on.

We all need some secrets. As long as they don't kill us, they keep us safe and warm.

Some day there will be a black president. Some day there will be a gay president. Maybe there will even be a gay, black president. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black, and dead. You need to stop lying to me.

That was pretty cool what I did, right? Want to make out?

You are the most naive atheist I've ever met.

Everybody lies.

In case no one's filled you in, today's Monday, which means you've been dead for a day. That kind of symptom comes back, it can get serious.

Dr. Gregory House: Knowing too much about each other is *exactly* why people leave small towns and move to city.
Dr. Chris Taub: And a lot of people choose to stay behind in return for zero privacy, you get community, connection.

You have restored my faith in the human race. You're lying.

Dr. Gregory House: Good news! Think we know what the problem is.
Esteban: You mean was.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, it's my first language, not yours. If she wants to outlive Castro, we need to fix her heart.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why do you have to make everything so dramatic?
Dr. Gregory House: Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog. Ruff ruff ruff, rarr, ruff!

Dr. Allison Cameron: My resignation letter. I've gotten all I can from this job.
Dr. Gregory House: What do you expect me to do? Break down and apologize? Beg Chase to come back?
Dr. Allison Cameron: No, I expect you to do what you always do: I expect you to make a joke and go on. I expect you to be just fine. I'll miss you.

Dr. Gregory House: So either we find the answer at autopsy or...
Dr. Eric Foreman: What?
Dr. Gregory House: I got nothing.

Sometimes I am wrong. I have a gift for observation, for reading people and situations. But sometimes I am wrong. This will be the longest job interview of your life. I will test you in ways that you will often consider unfair, demeaning, and illegal. And you will often be right. Look to your left. Now look to your right. By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will 28 more of you. Wear a cup.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm not telling a mother who's scared out of her mind that our best shot is a magical shot.
Dr. Gregory House: It's not magical. It's experimental. Like washing your hands after pooping once was. And technically it's not our best shot, I'm pretty sure it's our only shot.

Your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes I mean breasts.

Dr. Robert Chase: We could do a full body scan.
Dr. Gregory House: We hate full body scan.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And by "we" you mean you. We also hate it when patients die before we figure out what's wrong with them.
Dr. Gregory House: ...Do the scan.

She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. Now I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink.

The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it.

I like being alone. At least, I convince myself that I'm better off that way. And then I met someone at a psychiatric hospital of all places. She changed me. And then she left. We're better off alone. We suffer alone. Doesn't matter if you're a model husband, or father of the year. Tomorrow will be the same for you.

Sorry. Up late... internet porn.

You all have numbers, so we're gonna do this alphabetically.

I take maybe 1 in 20 cases. A lot of the people I turn down, end up dying. It's really a good argument for there being more than one me when you think about it.

Too bad that Cameron quit. I could use an immunologist right now.

Stop it! This argument is distracting every male and lesbian here.

The rest of you, 8:00 a.m. sharp. I'll be in sometime between 10:00 and 3:00.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You bumped a spleenectomy for a boob job?
Dr. Gregory House: Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?

Dr. James Wilson: No, but since she's not a dead cat, it is scientifically impossible for her to be in two places at once.
Dr. Gregory House: Physics joke. Don't hear enough of those.

Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head.

I don't have to go to Detroit to know that it smells.

Good lord! Are you having a bowel movement or a baby?

I think I will miss you most of all, Ridiculously Old Fraud.

Try doing that with a pen.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You just don't want to deal with the epidemic!
Dr. Gregory House: That's right. I'm subjecting a twelve-year-old to a battery of dangerous and invasive tests to avoid being bored.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, maybe I would do that, but I'm not! If it turns out she's got meningitis, you're right, you win, but if we go downstairs and she dies... your face will be so red!

I don't have to go to Detroit to know that it smells.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You, in the lobby, now.
Dr. Gregory House: I hurt my leg. I have a note.

I think I will miss you most of all, Ridiculously Old Fraud.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: You weren't wearing gloves when we shocked her heart back into rythm.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm sure you'll be fine.
Dr. Gregory House: You two get a sample to the lab to confirm.
Dr. Gregory House: You get the knight into isolation on an IV antibiotic.
Dr. Gregory House: You... stay away from me.

I'm gonna go see if our unicorn is actually a unicorn or just a slutty horse.

Dr. Gregory House: Dark religious nut.
Cole: What did you call me?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm sorry. What do you people want to be called this week?
Cole: Cole.

Wilson's been teaching me how to care, try me.

He peed on me! I'm not into that!

Cole: Just shut up already! We got a patient dying!
Dr. Gregory House: Either got to prescribe an exorcism or admit to me that Smith was a horny fraud.

Dr. James Wilson: You're trying to get us to fight.
Dr. Gregory House: No, I'm trying to help. If you got an issue, let her know.
Dr. James Wilson: I should've known that you weren't done sabotaging this.
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. Stew in your irritation. Sure your last time it bubbled over into resentment and rage, leading ultimately into painful divorce that neither of you really recovered from, but... I'm sure this time it'll be great.

You guys aren't the victims of the little blue pills. You're the problem!

Don't have TiVo on this thing! Can't rewind! Shut up!

Dr. Allison Cameron: [House is about to pay a $100 bet to Cameron] Cash will be fine.
Dr. Gregory House: I bet you say that to all the guys.

Any country with that low an age of consent and that high a suicide rate isn't thinking straight.

He can't tell his fiancee he's gay, how's he gonna tell her he's pregnant?

Oh, uh... just, in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I just want us to be friends.
Dr. Gregory House: Funny. That's the last thing I want us to be.

Dr. Gregory House: It's not going to work though.
Dr. James Wilson: Maybe, but how bad can a night out at a lesbian bar be?

I'm sure this goes against everything you've been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is, maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Chase won every one of those bets. So, either you're just really nice, or... what's your cut?
Dr. Gregory House: 50%. How bad do you want to keep your job?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'll keep my mouth shut.

It's a basic truth of the human condition, that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is that, it tends to focus their priorities. Find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for... What they're willing to lie for.

It is in the nature of medicine, that you are gonna screw up. You are gonna kill someone. If you can't handle that reality, pick another profession or finish medical school and teach.

You've gotta get down here. They've got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them that chances of invasion are slim to none but...

I'm not stressed beyond the stress induced by telling you how stressed I am.

Dr. Gregory House: His MRI showed that the leg pain wasn't caused by the self-injection. It wasn't caused by an infection. It was an aneurysm that clotted. Leading to an infarction.
Dr. Eric Foreman: My God, you were right. It's House.

My friends call me "The Cane" even before I messed up my leg.

God's sakes Wilson! You really span the chasm between wishy and washy. If you're gonna be an ass, be an ass. Stick with it!

Dr. Gregory House: Okay, that's enough about the volleyball player. What's up with the farmer?
Dr. Eric Foreman: What farmer?
Dr. Gregory House: Snakebite guy.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, right, you guys don't know about him. He doesn't get bitten until three months after we treat the volleyball player. Luckily, it's been well established that time is not a fixed construct.

Dr. Gregory House: I know how to kill a man with my thumb.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Who doesn't?

Dr. James Wilson: Sam likes you.
Dr. Gregory House: She wants me to move out.
Dr. James Wilson: No. I want you to move out. I didn't know things with Sam would happen so quickly. I didn't - I don't want to make mistakes here. I've made a lot of mistakes.

Dr. Gregory House: Personally, I choose to believe that the white-light people sometimes see visions this patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take place while the brain shuts down.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You choose to believe that?
Dr. Gregory House: There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life. I choose the outcome I find more comforting.
Dr. Cameron: You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?
Dr. Gregory House: I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test.

Dr. Gregory House: I wish I hadn't.
Dr. Gregory House: They cut out a chunk of muscle about the size of my fist and they left me with this mutilated, useless thing. And I'm in pain every day. And it changed me. It made me a harder person, a worse person. And now... now I'm alone. You don't want to be like me.

Dr. Gregory House: Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that stuff the other docs did. If that's negative, ultrasound his belly. If that's negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. Did I miss anything?
Dr. Robert Chase: Kitchen Sink?

Dr. James Wilson: Where are you?
Dr. Gregory House: CIA headquarters. How much fludarabine...?
Dr. James Wilson: Either you're sprawled naked on your floor with an empty bottle of Vicodin or collapsed naked in front of your computer with an empty bottle of Viagra. Please tell me which because Chase has another pool going.

Dr. Gregory House: Wow! You are ugly!
Kenny: Wow! You're an ass!

Dr. Eric Foreman: You can't blame yourself for her death. This wasn't your fault.
Dr. Gregory House: THAT'S THE POINT! I did everything right. She died anyway! Why the Hell do you think that would make me feel any better?
Dr. Eric Foreman: You shouldn't be alone right now... You're bleeding.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm going to give you a task as an employee: get out of my way!

How many lives have been lost because of pretty girls?

Dr. James Wilson: You having fun down there?
Dr. Gregory House: Lots. Every time Cuddy leans over to a patient, it's another opportunity for a down blouse nipple slip.

James: You can't go in there.
Dr. Gregory House: Who are you and why are you wearing a tie?
James: I'm Dr. Cuddy's new assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes. I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don't.
James: I'm her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.
Dr. Gregory House: Hmm. I didn't know they had a secretarial school. Well I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word 'ka-ching' mean anything to you? I'm going in now.

What's with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?

Interesting factoid. Did you know that if we don't have a neurosurgeon on the premises, all the puppies in the world will choke to death on all the babies?

Look I know you're friends with her, but there is a code: Bros before hoes, man.

Wilson's a fool. I'm an idiot.

I finally have a case of lupus.

Ladies and Gentlemen! I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants, but that's not going to help with this particular trick.

Dr. Gregory House: Oh. My. God.
Dr. Gregory House: You're not wearing underwear.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Of course I'm...
Dr. Gregory House: Skirt that tight, you've got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD. You seen Dr. Cole?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No.
Dr. Gregory House: You're blushing.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am not.
Dr. Gregory House: Look at me.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh! My! God!

Dr. Gregory House: Hi, this is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine. Not suicidal. Not on drugs. Coping very well with the loss of my last patient. So feel free to go about your day without worrying. Beeeeeep.
Dr. James Wilson: House. You can't just not show up to work. What's Cuddy going to say?
Dr. Gregory House: If this is still Wilson, she gave me the day off and tomorrow
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, maybe not tomorrow, but today. I'm fine. Now go away! Beeeeeep.

Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.

Dr. Gregory House: I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy.
Dr. Gregory House: Not kidding. Thong. Cuddy. Go!
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's how I got hired.

People who have not seen Cuddy naked should not throw stones.

These cancer kids, you can't put them *all* on a pedestal. It's basic statistics. Some of them have gotta be whiney little fraidy-cats.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: HR can't find you a new supervisor.
Dr. Gregory House: How come?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because you're unsuperviseable, House. Two department chairs threatened to quit.

Just like Abraham did it.

Remind me of your influences here. 'Cause I'm gonna say Thelonius Monk and the sound a trash compactor makes when you crawl inside it.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That fight... it was the first honest interaction you and I have had since we came back to work. If we are painfully, brutally honest with each other, maybe we'll get lucky again.
Dr. Gregory House: You've got a big ass.

Cancer doesn't make you special.

You have three choices in this life. Be good, get good, or give up.

Dr. Gregory House: I can't handle it.
Dr. James Wilson: What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: She said yes. I heard "no." I didn't actually hear "no." I just was sure that's what she meant. The way she tilted her head and half arched her eyebrow. Why do I even care what she meant? She said "yes." That's all that matters. I'm screwing this up.

Dr. Gregory House: Oxygen saturation is 94%, check her heart.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal.
Dr. Gregory House: It's off by one percentage point.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Within range. It's normal.
Dr. Gregory House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.

Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person and nothing pisses off a person more than being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole.

Dr. Robert Chase: If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.
Dr. Gregory House: Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth.

Lies are like children: they're hard work, but they're worth it because the future depends on them.

Alice: You better hurry. My lawyer will have me out of here by this time tomorrow.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, about that. It seems that last night you found and self-administered what you thought was a potentially lethal narcotic. Your psych hold has been extended an additional 24 hours. I know, bummer, right?

If you're wallowing in self-loathing, I've got something that might help. We're getting sued!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You owe me fifty bucks.
Dr. Gregory House: Then you owe me half a lap dance.

Dr. Gregory House: I need some help with Alice Tanner. She wants a vagina.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm pretty attached to mine.

Would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. Shoulda seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming.

Dr. James Wilson: Have you ever considered channeling your powers to, I don't know, bring peace to the Mid-East?
Dr. Gregory House: I couldn't do that.
Dr. James Wilson: But if they ever got it, you could screw it up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, that's more where my powers lie.

Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?

Slippery slope. Today, we withhold porn, tomorrow, it's clean bandages.

Looks like Cuddy. Same cleavage!

Right! Just tell her to head north until she runs into a hospital.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you being intentionally dense?
Dr. Gregory House: Huh?

Aren't you adorable?

Dr. Allison Cameron: I am not giving you cable. You're going to have to somehow survive with the broadcast networks alone.
Dr. Gregory House: I'll be fine on Tuesdays.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Except I didn't used to have sex with him, you idiot! Plus he was a gay hooker!
Dr. Gregory House: Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a straight male hooker?

This isn't just about sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves... Oh my God, you're sleeping with me.

Dr. Gregory House: Why would I give up one who definitely works, for one who might work?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because I asked you to.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, that's not really an argument, now, is it?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I won't see you until you stop seeing her.

Nobel invented dynamite. I won't accept his blood money.

People don't change. For example, I'm gonna keep repeating "People don't change."

Dr. James Wilson: Putting up with irrationality is the foundation for every relationship. I agree with Sam when she's calling her father a monster. I agree with her when she's calling him a saint. And in exchange, I get to have sex with her. And I'm sure she has similar trade offs with me. Relationships are hard. You have to make sacrifices. So sacrifice being crazy, go get her a gift and apologize.
Dr. Gregory House: You finally made a good point.
Dr. James Wilson: Which clearly, you have misunderstood based on how quickly you agreed.
Dr. Gregory House: Your kitchen's burning.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is there nobody you admire?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, there was this gal I met in 'Nam who could blow out a candle without using...

Dr. Gregory House: I need you to sleep with Wilson.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Good morning.

Dr. Robert Chase: She was nervous. Give her a break. Oh, and she's not like Cameron.
Dr. Gregory House: True. Cameron had much smaller breasts, by which I mean she was smarter.

You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out a window?

When I said I'd do anything for the money, obviously I didn't mean it.

Dr. Robert Chase: You want more time? Joshua got God to make the sun stand still. No reason God can't speed it up. And, by God, I of course mean you.
Dr. Gregory House: I told you we needed you.

You're gonna make a great mommy one day.

Are these people completely incapable of telling the truth to each other?

Dr. Robert Chase: Why do you need me?
Dr. Gregory House: Saying "nice work, Chase" when you're not here is pointless.

If you want people to drive safer, take out the airbags and attach a machete pointing at their neck. No one will drive over three miles per hour.

Dr. James Wilson: Cuddy will be home from work in six hours. But no big deal. I'll just scream, "Look over there" while you quickly shove a scope up her daughter's rectum.
Dr. Gregory House: I could offer to babysit again, Let her have the night out.
Dr. James Wilson: Sure. That won't raise any suspicions.

Dr. James Wilson: We're discussing your new patient.
Dr. Gregory House: Must be a boring discussion, seeing that I haven't accepted a new patient.

Get that idiotic smile out of my face. I gotta go on a killing spree.

Dr. Gregory House: You bastard. You invited my parents to dinner.
Dr. James Wilson: Geez, Cameron's got a big mouth!
Dr. Gregory House: Ha, not as big as yours!

So you'll lie when it doesn't matter, but you won't when it does. How'd you get so screwed up?

This is exactly why I created nurses. Clean up on aisle three!

Dr. Gregory House: Is he Canadian?
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's a low priority.
Dr. Gregory House: Is that a yes?

Martha M. Masters? I'm Doctor House. This is the rest of the team: Boring, Bimbo and Bite-Size. Martha enjoys quadratic equations, Italian frescoes, and her turn-ons include learning to be a doctor.

I love when you do both sides of the conversation. It's like white noise, it's very peaceful.

I kidnapped you and you're surprised that I lied to you?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The two of you have a combined IQ north of 300.
Dr. Gregory House: That's also true of five morons.

Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's a third-year med student. She graduated high school when she was 15. She filled out her time before med school getting PHds in both applied Math and Art History.
Dr. Gregory House: She'll be incredibly useful if my next patient is an Escher drawing. Those things are seriously screwed up.

Dr. Gregory House: I have a problem. A medical problem which could become... I have lied to Cuddy 10,000 times. How do you think she'd feel about 10,001?
Dr. James Wilson: I think you probably already know the answer.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, but that doesn't make any sense.
Dr. James Wilson: You don't understand why a woman might be upset because her boyfriend lied to her?
Dr. Gregory House: I wouldn't be lying to her as a boyfriend. I'd be lying as her employee.
Dr. James Wilson: That's not how relationships work.

Meanwhile, she can't stop thinking about... I can't read that. Is she obsessed with a grey horse or me?

Dr. James Wilson: No, it's the whole thing. You need special sheets, and insurance...
Dr. Gregory House: Who cares? You wanted one your whole life. You're a grown up. You can afford it. Stores sell them.
Dr. James Wilson: Most adults don't go through life like you do, House. Indulging our every whim.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't deserve to be happy.
Dr. James Wilson: And yet I am. You?

Dr. Dave Broda: [When House enters a sealed chamber] Hey! You're insane!
Dr. Gregory House: But I'm right!
Dr. Dave Broda: I hope you are because I can't let you out now.

It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually, we're having sex.

Dr. Gregory House: You want to be here.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I have to be here.
Dr. Gregory House: Just say the word, I'll fire Thirteen.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Just sign the forms.
Dr. Gregory House: Smart move, I was bluffing.

Your biggest problem is, I don't know what your biggest problem is.