House M.D. Quotes

Livers are important, Cuddy. You can't live without them, hence the name.

You know, I was going to ask what a respectable doctor was doing in an OTB parlor. Somehow, that question doesn't seem relevant anymore.

Dr. Jekyll, I presume. They found a half-eaten sheep in the zoo, police wanna ask you a few questions...

You gonna trust me? I lie about everything.

It's nothing personal. Actually, I think you're doing pretty well. But I came here to work with House.

Relax, I'm a doctor. Your spectacular breasts mean nothing to me.

Everybody lies.

Rebecca Adler: Am I ever gonna meet Dr. House?
Dr. James Wilson: Oh, you might run into him at the movies or on a bus.
Rebecca Adler: Is he a good man?
Dr. James Wilson: He's a good... doctor.
Rebecca Adler: Can you be one without the other? Don't you have to care about people?
Dr. James Wilson: Caring's a good motivator. He's found something else.

Rebecca Adler: He's your friend, huh?
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah.
Rebecca Adler: Does he care about you?
Dr. James Wilson: I think so.
Rebecca Adler: You don't know?
Dr. James Wilson: As Dr. House likes to say, "Everybody lies."
Rebecca Adler: It's not what people say; it's what they *do.*
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah... he cares about me.

All natural, no dyes. It's a good business - all-natural children's toys. Those toy companies, they don't arbitrarily mark up their frogs. They don't lie about how much they spend on research and development. And the worst that a toy company can be accused of is making a really boring frog. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get 'em in frog green, fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove 'em wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die then cough up forty bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop REALLY fast. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit.

Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything.

Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. You know that women can have an hour long orgasm?

What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.

I'm pretty sure my X-Ray machine can take your phone in a fight. It'll fry it.

I wouldn't have tortured you if I knew you liked it.

The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.

There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends, and there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.

When two people have had sex, unless it sucks, if they can do it again, they're gonna do it again.

And I responded with a number of trenchant remarks which made Chase cry. None of which I'm going to testify about.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if I'd shot a live person, there's a lot more paperwork.

Seizures are cool to watch, boring to diagnose.

Next time you get shot, I promise to only treat the bullet wounds.

Inject him with Cortisol. The guy'll have sex with his wife again! He'll hug his kid again! Hopefully that's the combination he was using... be a shame if I had cured a pedophile.

It's... a little weird to discuss the case while you're staring at your blood on the floor.

What about boogers? Should we include boogers?

One small feel for man, one giant ass for mankind.

You have only one decision to make: do you leave here with one dead son or two?

You dosed me!

The story of life - Boy meets girl. Boy gets stupid. Boy and girl live stupidly ever after.

Patient's in cardiac arrest. Ouchy!

The benefit of being boss is that I don't have to argue. You're all off the case.

You're an idiot. Trust me. Everybody will be happier if House and I aren't dating.

There's nothing in there but a pharmacy's worth of pain meds. This guy makes House look like a Christian

Religion is not the opiate of the masses. Religion is the placebo of the masses.

I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?

If you're gonna kill me and rape me, please do it in that order.

I know you're in there, I can hear you caring!

Dr. James Wilson: House?
Dr. Gregory House: NO, it's your other friend in the asylum.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Pretend time's been going on long enough.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't have a medical license. All I can do is pretend.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And I'm going to have payroll send over some pretend checks starting tomorrow.

Dr. Robert Chase: Just tell me the truth.
Dr. Allison Cameron: About what?
Dr. Robert Chase: Did you ever love me?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I don't know!
Dr. Robert Chase: Thank you for finally telling me.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I heard House has met Sam.
Dr. James Wilson: First time, he was naked. Second time, he brought a transvestite prostitute to dinner. Overall, it could have been worse.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Great.

Dr. James Wilson: Sounds like you had fun last night.
Dr. Gregory House: You believe Chase?
Dr. James Wilson: I believe Foreman. And they had fun with you. What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: I realized they could be my friends.
Dr. James Wilson: You're serious?
Dr. Gregory House: And then I sobered up.

Martha Masters: So we just give up and go home?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Actually, somebody locked the front door, but, yeah, we... give up.

House, I need you to come to that dinner for two hours, keep your mouth shut, and behave like an adult. Yes, you will be in Hell, but I will feel better having you there. That is what a relationship is. We average our misery.

That poster got me laid when I got home last night, so do your worst.

Okay, what disease can turn Cuddy's mother into a coma patient named Stewart?

House, I'm not going to tell you a third time. Do not screw this up! Because I really don't want to clean up the mess.

Are you asking me to file charges? Just give me the paperwork. If Greg House steps foot in my hospital, or comes anywhere near me - I want him thrown in jail!

This is your new reality. You've got your office. You've got neighbors. You've got one employee, one volunteer until she finds actual, paid work or gets sick of you.

You've been working for House for two weeks. It's already too long.

Chemo won't make your life any better, but caring will. Enduring pain to do some good for someone you care about. Isn't that what life is?

Gorgeous women do not go to medical school... unless, they're as damaged as they are beautiful.

Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think?

I need thirty-six Vicodin and change for a dollar.

I'm your doctor. You've been good to me and good to this hospital. Of course I care, but I don't see how this conversation could end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair, or she's not having an affair, and you have come here because you rightly think I should fire him, but I can't, even if it cost me your money. The son-on-a-bitch is the best doctor we have.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I thought everybody lied?
Dr. Gregory House: Truth begins in lies.

Rebecca Adler: I wanted to thank Dr. House, but he never visited again.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He cured you. You didn't cure him.

Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-rider jeans are hot.

Oh, crap. Another reason I don't like meeting patients - they don't know what you look like, they can't yell at you.

You can't order a thirty-two hundred dollar DNA test to win a bet!

It's dangerous. It could kill him. You should do it.

Dr. Gregory House: Thirty percent of all dads out there don't realize they're raising someone else's kid.
Dr. Eric Foreman: From what I've read, false paternity is more like ten percent.
Dr. Gregory House: That's what our moms would LIKE us to believe.

Dr. Eric Foreman: He probably just moved. Nobody stays perfectly still for their entire MRI.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, probably got restless and shifted one hemisphere of his brain to a more comfortable position.

Dr. Gregory House: [seeing Dan on a computer screen] General Hospital is on channel 6.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Dan's brain's not showing channel 6 right now, only mush.

Yes, concerned parents can be so annoying.

Yes, concerned parents can be so annoying.

Dr. Gregory House: When did my signature get so girly?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I can explain.

It's not gonna work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game, and I'm gonna win because I got a head start: You are already miserable.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.

Dr. James Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.

Dr. Gregory House: It was so perfect. It was beautiful.
Dr. James Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. Gregory House: And triteness kicks us in the nuts!

The most successful marriages are based on lies. You're off to a great start.

If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.

Dr. Gregory House: Get up. We're going hunting.
Dr. Eric Foreman: For what?
Dr. Gregory House: Wabbits.

Dr. Gregory House: How's Cameron?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Dr. Cameron?
Dr. Gregory House: Sure. Let's start with her and then move on to all the other Camerons we know.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm sorry. I'm just not used to you asking about someone's well-being.
Dr. Gregory House: I can understand how the question would surprise you. I didn't quite get how it would confuse you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Why do you wanna know?
Dr. Gregory House: Why do you wanna know why I wanna know?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Just... curious.
Dr. Gregory House: Me, too.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You don't get curious.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm the most curious man in the world.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Not about trivialities.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, then, this must not be trivial.

Dr. James Wilson: I'm still amazed you're actually in the same room with a patient.
Dr. Gregory House: People don't bug me until they get teeth.

It's easier to die than to watch someone die.

Candy canes? Are you mocking me?

She has God inside of her. Would have been easier to deal with a tumor.

You know how it is with nuns, you take out their IUDs, they just bounce right back.

Okay, let's just get this patient healthy. I want her going out the front door and not the back.

Dr. James Wilson: You wanna come over for Christmas dinner?
Dr. Gregory House: You're Jewish.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, Hanukkah dinner. What... what do you care? It's food. It's people.

Self-sacrifice is not a symptom of schizophrenia. It excludes the diagnosis.

Dr. Eric Foreman: He's really talking to a patient?
Dr. Robert Chase: I don't know who I am anymore.

I think they're choosing a movie.

I will talk no more of books or the long war / But walk by the dry thorn until I have found/ Some beggar sheltering from the wind, and there/ Manage the talk until her name come round./ If there be rags enough he will know her name/ And be well pleased remembering it, for in the old days/ Though she had young men's praise and old men's blame/ Among the poor both the old and young gave her praise.

Is a lie a lie if everybody knows it's a lie?

I find your interest... interesting.

I didn't realize it was possible for a woman to be "unusually" irritable.

Patient throws up on your shoes. D'you clean up MOST of it?

It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, did the complications increase exponentially with cup size?

You're ordering tests to cover your lechery. Interesting.

Dr. Gregory House: Well, as long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. Gregory House: So between us we can do anything. We can rule the world!

Dr. Wilson: I love my wife.
Dr. Gregory House: You certainly love saying it.

You were curious - like an eight-year-old boy with a puzzle that's just a little too grown up for him to figure out.

I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son, you're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification - it's a beautiful thing.

Maternal instinct is always irrational. Doesn't mean it's wrong.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Oh-ho. Deflecting a personal question with a joke. Gee, who do I know that does THAT?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, I'm just like him - except for the angry, bitter, pompous cripple part.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Maybe we should all pitch in and get you a nice cane. You already have the matching gym shoes.

Hey. I'm a man. I don't have time for laundry. I'm savin' lives here.

You took a chance, you did something great. You were wrong, but it was still great. You should feel great that it was great. You should feel like crap that it was wrong. That's the difference between him and me. He thinks you do your job, and what will be will be. I think that what I do and what you do matters. He sleeps better at night. He shouldn't.

Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up.

You're talking about your penis in the third person.

And hang on to that DNR. That signature could be worth a lot of money real soon.

You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking.

Dr. Gregory House: You don't have a problem with what I did?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done, trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane; so, when I hired you, I also set aside fifty thousand a year for legal expenses. So far, you've come in under budget.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You make enough calls, one of 'em is bound to be right.
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, he's just a lucky, lucky guy.

I know that limp. I know the empty ring finger. And that obsessive nature of yours, that's a big secret. You don't risk jail and your career to save somebody doesn't want to be saved unless you got something, anything... one thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatever, that's because they ain't got that one thing that... that hits them that hard and that true. I got music. You got THIS, the thing you think about all the time, thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great, makes us the best. All we miss out on is everything else - no woman waiting at home after work with a drink and a kiss. That ain't gonna happen for us.

Okay, you two, grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.

Patients lie but usually only one lie at a time.

The only thing we know for sure about Jane Doe is that her name isn't Jane Doe, which means no medical history.

You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word friend can also be translated as "limping twerp."

Fake low blood sugar - now THAT'S acting!

Dr. James Wilson: The only question is whether she dies in two months or three.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Oh, God!
Dr. James Wilson: You were right. There's nothing we can do for her here. Might as well put her back on the street.
Dr. Gregory House: Unless it's not cancer.
Dr. Robert Chase: Oh, you're joking?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, hard not to. There's nothing funnier than cancer.

I take risks, sometimes patients die, but not taking risks causes more patients to die - so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.

Dr. Gregory House: ... and chicks dig this.
Dr. Gregory House: Better than a puppy!

Dr. Gregory House: That's why you're here? She wants you to keep an eye on me, make sure I don't cheat.
Dr. Wilson: No, I wanted to make sure you don't start firing shots from the clock tower.

Dr. Wilson: You learn anything?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. I'm an addict.

Hi. I'm Dr. House, and this is the coolest day of my life!

What? You're saying I've only got one friend?

He needs a new kidney. I was thinking the kidney people might have some.

Call me when he's stable... or dead.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You put him on Lupron?
Dr. Gregory House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And you told them it was like milk?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. Gregory House: It's creamy.

You want it to be his kidneys, because if it's his kidneys, then maybe we can treat it, maybe we can fix it. And if it's cancer, then he'll never pitch again. If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a box, you would've packed him up and sent him home!

A secret club? What's the secret? They're all morons?

Twelve-year-olds don't have sex, right? So he can't be pregnant.

You don't want to burden him because you were such a lousy dad.

There you are. Were you scared? It's okay. You're home now.

Dr. Gregory House: Clue number one: if I were Jesus, curing this kid would be as easy as turning water into wine.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Demonic possession?
Dr. Gregory House: Close, but no wafer.

Dr. Cameron: Twelve-year-olds don't have sex.
Dr. Gregory House: Their mistake.

Read less, more TV.

That's absurd. I love it.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. Gregory House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr. Gregory House: And the reason you want respect?
Dr. Wilson: To... get laid.

Dr. Wilson: How do you know she needs a heart transplant?
Dr. Gregory House: I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.

Nice grasp of concepts, relationships. Very smart. Very cool. First the policeman, the fireman, then the firetruck. Your brother was sending in teams to save the cat.

Dr. Allison Cameron: I don't have the right to show interest in someone?
Dr. Eric Foreman: You absolutely do. And I absolutely have the right to humiliate you for it.

Dr. Gregory House: My car's been stolen.
Dr. James Wilson: Or rein car nated.

Hey! Stop worrying about your asses and start worrying about the patient.

Dr. Gregory House: Ever seen an infected pierced scrotum?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Uh... no, but I know a few people to whom I'd like to see it happen.

If you're gonna fire someone, go ahead and do it, but don't treat us like lab rats, testing how long it takes us to get us at one another's throats.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Everything in society tells us we have to be thin to be successful.
Dr. Robert Chase: No, society tells you you have to be thin to be attractive. And guess what, that's what attractive means: that society likes looking at you.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I think we should be telling our kids it's fine as long as they're healthy.
Dr. Robert Chase: All right. You weigh 90 pounds because it makes you healthier?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Forget it. He's just cranky because he's the one who's going to get the axe.

Some day there will be a black president. Some day there will be a gay president. Maybe there will even be a gay, black president. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black, and dead. You need to stop lying to me.

You are the most naive atheist I've ever met.

Everybody lies.

You have restored my faith in the human race. You're lying.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why do you have to make everything so dramatic?
Dr. Gregory House: Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog. Ruff ruff ruff, rarr, ruff!

Everybody lies - except politicians? House, I believe you're a romantic. You didn't just believe him, you believed in him. You wanna come over tonight and watch old movies and - cry? Dr. Cameron's getting to you. Well, I guess you can't be around that much niceness and not get any on you.

Only you could feel like crap about doing something good.

House never gives speeches!

You are a great doctor, House, but you are not worth $100 million.

If you think House deserves to go, if you think I deserve to go, Wilson deserved to go, then vote yes, but if you're doing this because you are afraid of losing his money, then he's right! He does own you. You have a choice. Maybe the last real one you'll have here.

Dr. Gregory House: She's doing better.
Rachel Kaplan: Oh, thank God.
Dr. Gregory House: Technically, Alexander Fleming. He developed antibiotics.

Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head.

Good lord! Are you having a bowel movement or a baby?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You just don't want to deal with the epidemic!
Dr. Gregory House: That's right. I'm subjecting a twelve-year-old to a battery of dangerous and invasive tests to avoid being bored.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, maybe I would do that, but I'm not! If it turns out she's got meningitis, you're right, you win, but if we go downstairs and she dies... your face will be so red!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You, in the lobby, now.
Dr. Gregory House: I hurt my leg. I have a note.

Dr. Eric Foreman: This novocaine will numb you for the lumbar puncture. Sorry this has to be so public, Mary.
Mary Carroll: Normally, I'm in a bathing suit with 5,000 people staring at my butt. I can block this out.

Mary Carroll: Are there dead people in those cabinets?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I hope that's who's in there.

He peed on me! I'm not into that!

You guys aren't the victims of the little blue pills. You're the problem!

Don't have TiVo on this thing! Can't rewind! Shut up!

Wow! Yeah, I get it. House is adorable. I just want to hold him and never let go.

House isn't going to hand you anything. You want him, you've gotta take him. Jump him.

I'm sure this goes against everything you've been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is, maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong.

It's a basic truth of the human condition, that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is that, it tends to focus their priorities. Find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for... What they're willing to lie for.

It is in the nature of medicine, that you are gonna screw up. You are gonna kill someone. If you can't handle that reality, pick another profession or finish medical school and teach.

Dr. Gregory House: His MRI showed that the leg pain wasn't caused by the self-injection. It wasn't caused by an infection. It was an aneurysm that clotted. Leading to an infarction.
Dr. Eric Foreman: My God, you were right. It's House.

Dr. Gregory House: Okay, that's enough about the volleyball player. What's up with the farmer?
Dr. Eric Foreman: What farmer?
Dr. Gregory House: Snakebite guy.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, right, you guys don't know about him. He doesn't get bitten until three months after we treat the volleyball player. Luckily, it's been well established that time is not a fixed construct.

Dr. Gregory House: Personally, I choose to believe that the white-light people sometimes see visions this patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take place while the brain shuts down.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You choose to believe that?
Dr. Gregory House: There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life. I choose the outcome I find more comforting.
Dr. Cameron: You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?
Dr. Gregory House: I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test.

Dr. Gregory House: Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that stuff the other docs did. If that's negative, ultrasound his belly. If that's negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. Did I miss anything?
Dr. Robert Chase: Kitchen Sink?

I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone... I was wrong. You just couldn't love me. That's good. I'm happy for you.

Dr. James Wilson: Hey, you have to treat this like a regular case. Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant.
Dr. Gregory House: Please, don't put me on a pedestal.

James: You can't go in there.
Dr. Gregory House: Who are you and why are you wearing a tie?
James: I'm Dr. Cuddy's new assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes. I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don't.
James: I'm her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.
Dr. Gregory House: Hmm. I didn't know they had a secretarial school. Well I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word 'ka-ching' mean anything to you? I'm going in now.

What's with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?

Look I know you're friends with her, but there is a code: Bros before hoes, man.

Wilson's a fool. I'm an idiot.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What is it, Clarence?
Clarence: My gut!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Would you describe it as a shooting pain? A throbbing pain? Or maybe an imaginary pain because you don't want to go back to prison?

I'm over you. I've jumped on the bandwagon. I hate you, okay?

Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.

These cancer kids, you can't put them *all* on a pedestal. It's basic statistics. Some of them have gotta be whiney little fraidy-cats.

Just like Abraham did it.

Cancer doesn't make you special.

Balls are in your court, Doctor.

Dr. Gregory House: Oxygen saturation is 94%, check her heart.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal.
Dr. Gregory House: It's off by one percentage point.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Within range. It's normal.
Dr. Gregory House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.

Dr. Robert Chase: If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.
Dr. Gregory House: Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth.

If you're wallowing in self-loathing, I've got something that might help. We're getting sued!

Would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better. Shoulda seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming.

Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?

Looks like Cuddy. Same cleavage!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you being intentionally dense?
Dr. Gregory House: Huh?

You really want to screw Whitey? Be one of the few black men who live long enough to collect social security. Take the medicine.

Nobel invented dynamite. I won't accept his blood money.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is there nobody you admire?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, there was this gal I met in 'Nam who could blow out a candle without using...

When I said I'd do anything for the money, obviously I didn't mean it.

Are these people completely incapable of telling the truth to each other?

Dr. James Wilson: We're discussing your new patient.
Dr. Gregory House: Must be a boring discussion, seeing that I haven't accepted a new patient.

Dr. Gregory House: You bastard. You invited my parents to dinner.
Dr. James Wilson: Geez, Cameron's got a big mouth!
Dr. Gregory House: Ha, not as big as yours!

This is exactly why I created nurses. Clean up on aisle three!

I love when you do both sides of the conversation. It's like white noise, it's very peaceful.

So if you break an arbitrary rule, Cameron damns you to hell. But if you break a rule that actually has a reason, that's designed to protect people, Cameron develops a crazy crush on you.

Dr. James Wilson: You can't control your emotions.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No... just your actions.
Dr. James Wilson: You didn't do it, did you? You didn't sleep with him.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I couldn't have lived with myself.
Dr. James Wilson: You'd be surprised what you can live with.

Go see Stacy.

Trying to win Stacy back by killing an animal. Very caveman.

Childproof. How many kids are hopped up on Vicodin?

Dr. Allison Cameron: This is not what she wants!
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's being manipulated by a morally guilty brother and a legally guiltier doctor.
Dr. Robert Chase: You think she wants to die?
Dr. Allison Cameron: She's dying either way.

Stacy Warner: Why did Chase screw up?
Dr. Allison Cameron: He forgot to ask her a question. Does there need to be a reason?
Stacy Warner: It might help him.
Dr. Allison Cameron: As far as I'm concerned, he made a little mistake. It happens.
Stacy Warner: How far are you concerned?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You think I'm biased?
Stacy Warner: You're colleagues. You've worked together for over a year and everyone says you slept together.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Who says?
Stacy Warner: The correct answer is: "We're not involved and I'm not biased."
Dr. Allison Cameron: We're not involved and I don't know why he messed up. House has worked with him longer than I have. You should talk to House.

Dr. Gregory House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here. If Cameron kills someone, Chase takes over. There's a flowchart in the lobby.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Can I talk to you about something in confidence?
Dr. Wilson: Of course.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's about House.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, then, no.

I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back is turned you wait in line?

You know, "Stacy" in the original Greek means "relationship killer".

Dr. Eric Foreman: If a human being had actually looked at his blood anywhere along the way, instead of just running tests through the computer, parasites would have jumped right out at them.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Price of the electronic age.

Dr. Robert Chase: The only thing you've been asked to do is supervise House in case he does something insane.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Which might, you know, save a life.

I know you're in there. I can hear you caring.

Ultrasound her uterus this time. See if there's something growing in there that doesn't look adorable in a onesie.

Dr. James Wilson: You don't like yourself. But you do admire yourself. It's all you've got so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special.
Dr. James Wilson: Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable.

I didn't know people actually read e-mails, the delete button is so conveniently located.

God, you're good! You're putting me to sleep!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Hey! Did you drop acid?
Dr. Gregory House: Why would I do that?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: To annoy me or maybe because you're miserable or because you want to self-destruct. Pick one.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You induced a migraine headache in a coma patient?
Dr. Gregory House: Gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Have you even read an ethical guideline?

Dr. Weber: Who are you?
Dr. James Wilson: Just a lunatic who desperately needs a hobby.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Could pain medication cause an orgasm?
Dr. Gregory House: I wish.

Awwww. Do you miss Stacy too?

Gotta go. People dying. The whole "circle of life" thing.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Teenage supermodel. Presented with double vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataplexy...
Dr. Gregory House: You had me at "teenage supermodel."

Dr. James Wilson: Heard you killed your supermodel.
Dr. Gregory House: Only for a minute.

Dr. Gregory House: She's got post traumatic stress disorder.
Dr. Robert Chase: We got models fighting in Iraq now?

Cheese is the devil's plaything.

There's two things we get stupid for, money and sex.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, don't you think that's a little manipulative?
Dr. Gregory House: No, it's hugely manipulative.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He's 66 years old.
Dr. Gregory House: He told me he was 65. Liar. I'm outta here.

Dr. Gregory House: Wilson! How long can you go without sex?
Dr. James Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people?

Dr. James Wilson: It's not all about sex, House.
Dr. Gregory House: Really? When did that change?

He's choking on his tongue, not his feet.

A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search.

Charlotte: I am not having an affair with my daughter's karate instructor and I did not give my husband herpes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Find out where House is.

Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about.

Okay. Magical tick hunt is over! Only real doctor stuff now.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Why does she have a clean room in her home?
Dr. Gregory House: Heart transplant. Immune system's in the toilet, Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble.

Dr. Allison Cameron: What if her anaphylaxis wasn't anaphylaxis? Toxicity from the anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure and then heart failure.
Dr. Gregory House: And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen?

The nearly-dead and the newly-bred have more in common with each other than with people in the middle. It's weird. It's kinda circle of life thing.

We're smaller and better than chimps, bigger and worse than gorillas. For all our rationality, our supposed trust and fealty to a higher power, our ability to create a system of rules and laws. Our baser drives are more powerful than any of that. We want to control our emotions, but we can't. If we're happy, things don't annoy us. If on the other hand, we're sitting on crappy hole cards, little tiny things annoy us a whole lot more.

Start the treatment.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards and a little less time staring at my breasts.
Dr. Gregory House: They don't match either.

Dr. Gregory House: You know that relative to their size, gorillas have smaller testicles than humans.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, then you'd probably have an edge over a gorilla, but not over me.

Dr. James Wilson: Have you read "Moby Dick"?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a book?

Dr. Gregory House: Is Cuddy still playing?
Dr. James Wilson: The chicken is still in Piccadilly Square.
Dr. Gregory House: Brilliant. She'll never suspect that Normandy is her target.

Dr. Robert Chase: This kid is not Esther. You screwed up, she died. I'm sorry, but that does not mean this kid is dying as well.
Dr. Gregory House: Geez. You get testy when you don't get any fuzz.

If you two guys can't play nice together, I'm taking away your toys.

Dr. Gregory House: I need a little help.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Inexplicable rash on a patient's scrotum you need me to look at?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She took the pills to sleep, not to kill herself.
Dr. Gregory House: Clever alibi.

Dr. Allison Cameron: We've got rectal bleeding.
Dr. Gregory House: What, all of you?

Dr. Allison Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
Dr. Gregory House: No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.

You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.

Tie goes to the mortal.

House, you are... as God made you!

Dr. Allison Cameron: The chance of infection is next to nothing.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, I was never that great at math, but next to nothing is higher than nothing, right?

Dr. Gregory House: Tox screen was clean. He did, however, get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He was shot?
Dr. Gregory House: No, somebody threw it at him.

Dr. James Wilson: You're being cautious. You're being... common. When you don't give a crap...
Dr. Gregory House: How many of your guys have caught cancer from their patients? Let me know when that happens. Then we can have this conversation.
Dr. James Wilson: It's just another case, huh?
Dr. Gregory House: I'll bet you can even have unprotected sex with your cancer patients without catching a damn thing. Boy, I wish I had your job.

Dr. Robert Chase: You want to give Foreman a brain biopsy?
Dr. Gregory House: C'mon, really, who doesn't?

Dr. Robert Chase: What are you looking for?
Dr. Gregory House: I called my mom. She didn't pick up.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't downplay this, House. You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.
Dr. Gregory House: Ooh, level three. You should call Jack Bauer.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What is this?
Dr. Gregory House: He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.

Dr. James Wilson: You're accessing a webcam?
Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy's shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?

I'm telling you, I'm going to drop the N-bomb if I have to.

Dr. Gregory House: You don't have cancer.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You don't have dwarfism.
Dr. Gregory House: You have no proof of that.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Look, a few weeks ago, you were upset that I didn't consider you a friend. Now you're upset that I'm happy?
Dr. Allison Cameron: What can I say? Apparently I'm a bitch.

You're designing a kid. A loser kid! He's already getting pummeled at recess.

Three rules for hunting fungus: location, location, location.

She's lost everything and you're breaking fingers. A new low.

Dr. James Wilson: And you blew it.
Dr. Gregory House: Technically...

If you could think of everything yourself, you wouldn't need a team to annoy.

Dr. Gregory House: He's got a temperature of 103.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And why do we care?
Dr. Gregory House: Because we're human beings. It's what we do.

I can run like the wind, but I can't think.

Tell Cuddy I want Ketamine.

Relax, I'm not gonna burn you again. I'm going to STAB you!

House, you don't use hunches. You always have reasons. This hospital doesn't exist for your whims.

Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click "yes, I am 18." Even a 17-year-old could figure that out.

I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what The Rock was cookin'.

Dr. James Wilson: You're just like any other patient. Running away from knowledge that won't make you happy.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm as happy as a pig in poop.
Dr. James Wilson: You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a... torturous window to the good life.
Dr. Gregory House: What part of "poop" didn't you understand?

Dr. Allison Cameron: Is your leg hurting?
Dr. Gregory House: Is that question relevant?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're leaning.
Dr. Gregory House: You're sitting.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're evading.
Dr. Gregory House: My head's hurting.

I'm proud of you.

What's gonna happen here is that someone's getting a buttload of morphine. I'm not sure exactly who at this point.

Dr. Gregory House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: True, better be true and you're a pig.

Dr. Gregory House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: True, better be true and you're a pig.

Whose side are you on, senator? First respect his wishes, then invade Iraq, then get the troops home. Make up your mind.

Dr. James Wilson: Worried about meeting your one-patient-a-week quota?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm a cripple, remember? Accommodations must be made.

My parents loved me unconditionally. Get out of here.

Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, I kind of feel like a bagel.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She has a mole on her right breast just below the nipple.
Dr. Gregory House: No she doesn't.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You've seen her breasts?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went, "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House."

Dr. James Wilson: That was sensitive.
Dr. Gregory House :You have pretty hair.

Oh, come on. This isn't because I was speeding. This is because I'm Latino.

Sometimes an ass is just an ass.

My exes have usually been black, so what? Its not a racial thing, its cultural. I have more in common with them, like, I assume you only date emotionally stunted bigots.

Dr. James Wilson: Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.

Dr. Gregory House: How much morphine is the husband on?
Dr. Robert Chase: We can't increase it anymore. His respirations are depressed.
Dr. Gregory House: Decrease it! Drugs cloud people's judgment. Cold turkey the sucker.

Nice audible, Peyton!

Did you tell him that statistics also say he's a big fat idiot?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Not for long, he wants to be discharged!
Dr. Gregory House: Of course he does. Places to go, people to eat!

Dr. Gregory House: Cameron sees a clump of dirt and she thinks of me.
Dr. James Wilson: Or a lump of something else.

House's House of Whining. State your complaint.

Quid pro quo, Clarice.

Sorry. If I'd known he was going to be this annoying I would have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. At least she appreciates my brooding melancholy.

Michael Tritter: Mind if we talk a few minutes?
Michael Tritter: How many pills would you say Dr. House takes a day?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm uncomfortable setting a number.
Michael Tritter: Hmm. Try.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Six.
Michael Tritter: A day.
Michael Tritter: Has he ever had you... write prescriptions for him?
Dr. Allison Cameron: No. What is it you want me to say? That he takes too many pills and is a danger to the hospital or he takes too few because he's selling them on the side? Either one is ridiculous.
Michael Tritter: I meant the former.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're wrong.
Michael Tritter: Can I ask what Dr. House has done to deserve your loyalty? He's not known as a great boss. He's not even much of a friend. I mean, look how he left Dr. Wilson holding the bag.
Michael Tritter: It's odd. You don't know about that. You defend him, and he won't even tell you what's happening in his life.

Hmmm, good idea. Ignore the symptoms. Makes your job easy.

Can't you see his heart is fine? Stop torturing him! What kind of doctor are you?

Okay, fine! I'll father your child! But first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay.

Dr. James Wilson: I have a patient. I need...
Dr. Gregory House: Not now!
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'll go.
Dr. Gregory House: You'll stay. Patient's dying.
Dr. James Wilson: So's mine.
Dr. Gregory House: Not in the next hour.

Dr. Gregory House: Luckily, Alice Hartman has a mom who is willing to see reason.
Judge: You were in here yesterday telling me her father's guardianship was best for her.
Dr. Gregory House: I honestly figured I'd get a different judge today.

She's six! She's cute, she can't have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just wrong! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die of terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail, and it's because cowards like you won't stand up and do what's required! You can sit around and moan about who's the bigger weakling. I'm gonna go do my job.

We are gonna use this machine to clean your blood. It goes out of you and through the filter like the filter in a fish tank. So it's kinda cool actually.

Beckett was going to call his play "Waiting for House's Approval" but decided it was too grim.

I'm gonna need 30 pieces of silver.

Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, maybe Chase screwed up.
Dr. Robert Chase: You always end there, just getting a jump on it.

I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.

You like needing help when you want something off the high shelf? Not being able to press an elevator button above the eighth floor, having to smell ass every time you stand in line? You don't need growth hormone. It's just your ticket out of the freak show.

Normal's not normal if you're not normal.

One of you is probably right. Why not we hold the sniping until we found that which?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Where's Cuddy?
Dr. Gregory House: In this drawer. It's a rescue mission, but I got it under control. You can leave.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] You just don't want a cancer diagnosis because then you'd have to deal with Wilson.
Dr. Gregory House: Lung cancer is a lame diagnosis. Avoiding Wilson is an added bonus.

"You are a ray of sunshine... on a cloudy day."

Male menopause. High estrogen, low testosterone. Explains the temperature swings, disorientation. Endocrinologically similar to female menopause but without the vaginas and mah-jong tiles.

You make everyone around you worse for being there. The only bright spot is that now I own your ass.

Dr. James Wilson: You're a coward, House. You find fault in everybody because you're afraid to look at yourself.
Dr. Gregory House: Thanks. I was running short on platitudes. You can leave now.

Dr. Gregory House: They're out there. Doctors, lawyers, postal workers. Some of them doing great. Some of them doing lousy. Are you going to base your whole life on who you got stuck in a room with?
Eve: I'm going to base this moment on who I'm stuck in a room with. It's what life is. It's a series of rooms and who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.

We are selfish base animals crawling across the earth, but because we got brains, if we try real hard we can occasionally aspire to something that is less than pure evil.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'll pay you $10 for every patient you diagnose without touching. You pay me $10 for every one you have to touch.
Dr. Gregory House: You're making this into a game for me from which I can only conclude this isn't a game for you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No.
Dr. Gregory House: Why? You think if I deal with enough people, I'll find some humanity?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yes.

Are we role-playing? Am I you? I don't want to be you.

Dr. Gregory House: Sweet ride. I asked for the one with a sissy bar and a banana seat, but Santa gave me this instead. Guess that's what I get for being naughty.
Dr. Julie Whitner: You must be Dr. House.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. So, looks like there's been some sort of mix-up at the parking office.
Dr. Julie Whitner: They had to move me closer to the door.
Dr. Gregory House: Had to? You don't look like the type to pull a weapon.
Dr. Julie Whitner: Wheelchair.
Dr. Gregory House: Cane. I think you should do the honorable thing, let me have my space back.
Dr. Julie Whitner: Oh well, uh... since you asked so nicely, wheelchair.
Dr. Gregory House: Cane! Walking long distances makes my leg hurt.
Dr. Julie Whitner: And it's easy for me?
Dr. Gregory House: Of course not. Pushing that little lever? The muscles must burn. I'm sure the last 10 yards are pure torture.
Dr. Julie Whitner: Crossing the parking lot is dangerous. Cars can't see me.
Dr. Gregory House: You ever hit a patch of black ice with a cane?
Dr. Julie Whitner: No, gosh, on account of the fact that I can't walk. Maybe you should ask the parking office for some crampons.
Dr. Gregory House: This is about who can most easily cross the parking lot. You're the winner.
Dr. Julie Whitner: Oh, and the prize is apparently a parking space.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Change is hard, trust me, I know. But it worked out for me.
Stevie Lipa: You're a successful doctor. Your name is on journal articles. I would love that. It's just... I see you with doctors Chase and Cameron. You all got empty ring fingers. You're alone.

Oh my God. You're not wearing a bra!

Hi, again. And I'm sure I can say this without being condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you, so... you're a kid, you're scared, you're stalling, Grow up.

Don Herrick: So, what does a dean of medicine do?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, can we please not talk about that. I will talk about anything else, but I'm just trying to get away from work.
Don Herrick: Metaphorically. Because, geographically the coffee place around the corner from the hospital probably isn't the furthest you could get.

Dr. Robert Chase: Happy Valentine's Day.
Dr. Allison Cameron: A holiday that only applies to people who are already paired up. For everyone else, it's Wednesday.
Dr. Robert Chase: Wow. Thank you for that dash of cold water.

Foreman and Chase's lips are not gonna get so close, now that I know your plan.

Dr. Gregory House: John! We're gonna figure out what's wrong with you, but first we need to know one thing!
Dr. Gregory House: Have you ever appeared in any pornos?

I've got a full bladder, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're supposed to be in clinic duty.
Dr. Gregory House: Like I can sleep down there with all the crying and coughing.

I'm rescinding Mackman's discharge order. My lackeys will be in to do some more tests, take some more blood and empty your catheter bag. Not a moment you will want to cherish.

Welcome to the world of maternal mirror syndrome. Mom's body is like an intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time. When she gets pregnant, it's like a new station opening in Dusseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things, bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks, get electrocuted. Before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you've got a bunch of angry Germans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain't good for the Jews.

The urine you collected has been sitting in that fetus' bladder for weeks. And, as my pappy always said, "stale pee is useless pee."

Dr. Eric Foreman: This is definitely different.
Dr. Robert Chase: It looks almost like...
Dr. Cameron: He's caring.

Dr. Eric Foreman: So, the sleep lab. You and Cameron not sleeping. How serious is it?
Dr. Robert Chase: It's nothing. She's only doing it to make House jealous.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then why are you doing it?
Dr. Robert Chase: You kidding?

Heart is fine, breasts are firm.

Dr. Gregory House: Yo! Listen up! Bad news is you have an illness. The good news is, it's not meningitis.
Dr. Gregory House: It's not fatal. It's just embarrassing. It's conversion disorder. More commonly known as mass hysteria. It happens often in high anxiety situations, especially to women. I know it sounds sexist, but science says you're weak and soft. What can I do?

Dr. Gregory House: Give her twenty milligrams of antihistamine. Could save her life 'cause if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Delivering goodwill to yet another continent.

Dr. Gregory House: Need to get a better look at your rash.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Use your imagination.
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. Shall I go with "Lifeguard Cuddy" or "Mother Superior Cuddy"?

I think I'm starting to feel sorry for House.

Dr. James Wilson: Yes, I slept with her.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. James Wilson: No.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes you did!
Dr. James Wilson: Yes... I did.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. James Wilson: No.

Dr. James Wilson: You! You! You! You were gonna let me do that?
Dr. Gregory House: You made a compelling argument.
Dr. James Wilson: You sent those flowers to me!
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, because you took her to a play. And because actually you do wanna march down there and kiss her.
Dr. James Wilson: No, I don't.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, you do.
Dr. James Wilson: You're right.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. James Wilson: No. You're a jerk.
Dr. Gregory House: Night, Wilson.
Dr. James Wilson: Night, House.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Restrictive pericarditis.
Dr. Gregory House: Boring.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's in kindergarten.
Dr. Gregory House: Less boring or Grandma's been held back a few years.

Dr. Allison Cameron: That's ridiculous. If menstruation is a symptom of brain cancer then I should be on chemo right now.
Dr. Gregory House: That's ridiculous. You're way too skinny to be menstruating.

Dr. Allison Cameron: He went home.
Dr. Gregory House: Work smart, not hard.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Bacterial infection is more likely to turn constrictive. It could be TB.
Dr. Robert Chase: Right. Forgot about the part where she did time in Russian gulag.

Dr. Robert Chase: You're trying to make me jealous.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah, I want you to profess your love for me. Oh wait, you already did that and it caused me to end our relationship.

First, "Hector does go rug" is a lame anagram. You want a better one for Gregory House? "Huge ego. Sorry." Second, find a new career. You're never gonna sell anybody if you let them control the agenda. And third, I don't owe you anything. I'm not Wilson. I'm not gonna buy a condo just to make you feel better.

You find the toxins, you run your bubble study. You won't find anything, but I'll get the office to myself. There's a lot of porn piling up on the internet. Doesn't download itself.

Bitchinnnnn...

Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong and your shirt is way too revealing for the office.

Dr. Eric Foreman: He has... acute scrotum.
Dr. Gregory House: Adorable. Please... much more dignified.
Dr. Gregory House: C'mon, how am I not supposed to make that joke?

Dr. Eric Foreman: The family has one kid with leukemia and one with autoimmune. Wouldn't stand next to them in a rainstorm.
Dr. Gregory House: That's your argument? It sucks for them?

I think there's an infection.

Dr. Gregory House: My patient is about to have a heart attack. It's gonna be massive!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, well, that's too bad 'cause I just got tickets to a stroke on the third floor.

Dr. Gregory House: Why are you suspicious?
Dr. Wilson: Because it's either that or accept the fact that you've done something nice. And then I'd have to deal with the Horsemen and the Rain of Fire and the End of Days.

You are one evil, cunning woman. It's a massive turn-on.

You made that call and because of that call, you basically guaranteed Foreman's out of here.

Dr. Robert Chase: Your head still hurt?
Nate: Are you a moron?

In case no one's filled you in, today's Monday, which means you've been dead for a day. That kind of symptom comes back, it can get serious.

Dr. Gregory House: Good news! Think we know what the problem is.
Esteban: You mean was.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, it's my first language, not yours. If she wants to outlive Castro, we need to fix her heart.

Dr. Allison Cameron: My resignation letter. I've gotten all I can from this job.
Dr. Gregory House: What do you expect me to do? Break down and apologize? Beg Chase to come back?
Dr. Allison Cameron: No, I expect you to do what you always do: I expect you to make a joke and go on. I expect you to be just fine. I'll miss you.

Sometimes I am wrong. I have a gift for observation, for reading people and situations. But sometimes I am wrong. This will be the longest job interview of your life. I will test you in ways that you will often consider unfair, demeaning, and illegal. And you will often be right. Look to your left. Now look to your right. By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will 28 more of you. Wear a cup.

Your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes I mean breasts.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Cameron would never have accepted that this guy knew nothing about the love of his life and as soon as you claimed it was multiple conditions, Foreman would have done anything to prove you wrong, and then Chase would have done anything to prove you right. Any one of them would have solved this days ago.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Hire a team. I don't care how you do it. ... Just do it!

The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it.

You all have numbers, so we're gonna do this alphabetically.

Stop it! This argument is distracting every male and lesbian here.

The rest of you, 8:00 a.m. sharp. I'll be in sometime between 10:00 and 3:00.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You bumped a spleenectomy for a boob job?
Dr. Gregory House: Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?

Dr. James Wilson: No, but since she's not a dead cat, it is scientifically impossible for her to be in two places at once.
Dr. Gregory House: Physics joke. Don't hear enough of those.

I don't have to go to Detroit to know that it smells.

I think I will miss you most of all, Ridiculously Old Fraud.

I don't have to go to Detroit to know that it smells.

I think I will miss you most of all, Ridiculously Old Fraud.

Dr. Eric Foreman: We were wrong and we're going to keep being wrong until we're right.
Latino Fellow: Or until she dies.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, that was very helpful. Need a team to tell me we're mortals.

Amber Volakis: Why do you guys keep a D-cell battery in a urine specimen cup?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Because we pulled it from a patient's intestine.
Amber Volakis: Why would somebody swallow a battery?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why do you assume it was swallowed?

Dr. Gregory House: Dark religious nut.
Cole: What did you call me?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm sorry. What do you people want to be called this week?
Cole: Cole.

Cole: Just shut up already! We got a patient dying!
Dr. Gregory House: Either got to prescribe an exorcism or admit to me that Smith was a horny fraud.

I don't know what House wants you to do and I don't want to know, but if you really have a problem with it, quit now. It's only gonna get worse.

Dr. Allison Cameron: [House is about to pay a $100 bet to Cameron] Cash will be fine.
Dr. Gregory House: I bet you say that to all the guys.

Any country with that low an age of consent and that high a suicide rate isn't thinking straight.

Oh, uh... just, in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?

Your team, Foreman included, is dealing with the Great Mayonnaise Panic of 2007. Frankly, I'm worried it might spread to other continents.

Dr. Allison Cameron: You've been humiliated, treated like crap. You have every right to be miserable, but you're not. Because even those this job is insane and House is insane, you like it. You always have.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You know what's worse than a sanctimonious speech? A sanctimonious speech that's dead wrong!
Dr. Allison Cameron: See? You belong with House.

You've gotta get down here. They've got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them that chances of invasion are slim to none but...

My friends call me "The Cane" even before I messed up my leg.

Dr. Gregory House: I know how to kill a man with my thumb.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Who doesn't?

Dr. Robert Chase: That's funny.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It's not funny. It's totally immature.
Dr. Robert Chase: It is funny. You just can't appreciate it because you're the victim.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah, I deserve shame and ridicule for offering a consult. Unheard of for a doctor.
Dr. Robert Chase: You didn't offer a medical consult. You offered a "Dealing with Foreman" consult.
Dr. Allison Cameron: For the good of the patient. It's what House would have done.
Dr. Robert Chase: Maybe House will hear about it and tear up with pride.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You think I'm trying to impress him.
Dr. Robert Chase: I think that for someone who's not involved in his team, you're remarkably involved in his team. Let it go. Let him go.

Dr. James Wilson: Where are you?
Dr. Gregory House: CIA headquarters. How much fludarabine...?
Dr. James Wilson: Either you're sprawled naked on your floor with an empty bottle of Vicodin or collapsed naked in front of your computer with an empty bottle of Viagra. Please tell me which because Chase has another pool going.

Dr. Gregory House: Wow! You are ugly!
Kenny: Wow! You're an ass!

How many lives have been lost because of pretty girls?

House, do you have a minute to be disemboweled?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Didn't think you had the guts to stage a coup.
Dr. Chris Taub: Coup failed. I'm scheduled for execution at dawn.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No, you're not.
Dr. Chris Taub: No reprieve from the governor.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're a test result away from becoming House's front-runner. He doesn't care about what you said or what you did five minutes ago. He just wants the next good idea.

I finally have a case of lupus.

Ladies and Gentlemen! I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants, but that's not going to help with this particular trick.

Dr. Gregory House: Oh. My. God.
Dr. Gregory House: You're not wearing underwear.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Of course I'm...
Dr. Gregory House: Skirt that tight, you've got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD. You seen Dr. Cole?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No.
Dr. Gregory House: You're blushing.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am not.
Dr. Gregory House: Look at me.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh! My! God!

Dr. Gregory House: I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy.
Dr. Gregory House: Not kidding. Thong. Cuddy. Go!
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's how I got hired.

You know, in some cultures, hiring people to steal someone's underpants is considered wooing. You should move there because here it's just, you know, creepy.

Remind me of your influences here. 'Cause I'm gonna say Thelonius Monk and the sound a trash compactor makes when you crawl inside it.

You have three choices in this life. Be good, get good, or give up.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: This was your plan all along!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, at least the games are over.
Dr. Gregory House: How long have you known me?

Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person and nothing pisses off a person more than being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole.

Lies are like children: they're hard work, but they're worth it because the future depends on them.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You owe me fifty bucks.
Dr. Gregory House: Then you owe me half a lap dance.

Dr. James Wilson: Have you ever considered channeling your powers to, I don't know, bring peace to the Mid-East?
Dr. Gregory House: I couldn't do that.
Dr. James Wilson: But if they ever got it, you could screw it up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, that's more where my powers lie.

Slippery slope. Today, we withhold porn, tomorrow, it's clean bandages.

Right! Just tell her to head north until she runs into a hospital.

Dr. Eric Foreman: That'll tell us if her kidney function's declining. If it is, he's right. Struvite stone's most likely explanation. If not, she's right.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Sorry, I know how you like to avoid avoiding confrontation.

Dr. Allison Cameron: I am not giving you cable. You're going to have to somehow survive with the broadcast networks alone.
Dr. Gregory House: I'll be fine on Tuesdays.

This isn't just about sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves... Oh my God, you're sleeping with me.

People don't change. For example, I'm gonna keep repeating "People don't change."

Dr. Gregory House: I need you to sleep with Wilson.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Good morning.

Dr. Eric Foreman: People who have a problem with boxes are people who don't fit in them.
Thirteen: You've been working for House for a long time.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No need for name calling.

Dr. Robert Chase: You want more time? Joshua got God to make the sun stand still. No reason God can't speed it up. And, by God, I of course mean you.
Dr. Gregory House: I told you we needed you.

Dr. Robert Chase: Why do you need me?
Dr. Gregory House: Saying "nice work, Chase" when you're not here is pointless.

If you want people to drive safer, take out the airbags and attach a machete pointing at their neck. No one will drive over three miles per hour.

Get that idiotic smile out of my face. I gotta go on a killing spree.

Dr. Gregory House: Is he Canadian?
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's a low priority.
Dr. Gregory House: Is that a yes?

I kidnapped you and you're surprised that I lied to you?

Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys.

Fifty-one weeks out of the year, I let you run around like a monkey in a banana factory.

Dr. James Wilson: No, it's the whole thing. You need special sheets, and insurance...
Dr. Gregory House: Who cares? You wanted one your whole life. You're a grown up. You can afford it. Stores sell them.
Dr. James Wilson: Most adults don't go through life like you do, House. Indulging our every whim.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't deserve to be happy.
Dr. James Wilson: And yet I am. You?

Dr. Gregory House: You want to be here.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I have to be here.
Dr. Gregory House: Just say the word, I'll fire Thirteen.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Just sign the forms.
Dr. Gregory House: Smart move, I was bluffing.

Your biggest problem is, I don't know what your biggest problem is.

I didn't bring you back here so you could stage a coup!

Dr. Eric Foreman: You're bleeding.
Dr. Gregory House: A little thing called a bus crash. It's just a scalp laceration. It could be hidden in his optic chiasm.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's coming from your ear. You think that's a good thing?

Hey! Hold your head still unless you want me to sew your nose under your eye.

Dr. Gregory House: The trauma must have stimulated a pre-existing heart condition.
Dr. Chris Taub: Autoimmune congenital anomaly, blood clotting disorder, lead poisoning...
Thirteen: Could be anything.
Dr. Gregory House: Great! Let's explore that. Quick, get her on panacea.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: What did House have to say?
Thirteen: He told me I was raised by wolves and that's why I use the same hand for my fork and knife.

Thirteen: You are the champion of not dealing with your problems.
Dr. Gregory House: My grandson gave me a mug that says that.

You want me to do a second major surgery on a patient we almost lost during a first major surgery to see if she needs a third major surgery?

She's bleeding from... nowhere.

Who wants to go service House so this patient can live?

Lou: I'm pregnant?
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: You want to call the father and let him know?
Lou: Soon as you do some DNA testing, let me know.

Lou: My boss has a big Beijing trip. I've been planning it for months. I was just tired and dehydrated and...
Thirteen: Yeah, whenever I lose some shut-eye, I pound my legs, clawing at imaginary ant colonies.

Dr. Gregory House: How many friends do you have?
Lucas Douglas: Seventeen.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously? Do you have a list?
Lucas Douglas: No, I knew this conversation was really about you, so I just gave you an answer so you could get back to your train of thought.

Dr. Gregory House: You're a P.I. who can't lie?
Lucas Douglas: I can lie. I'm just not all that good at it.

Dr. Chris Taub: Cancer made no sense. The head and heart make less than no sense.
Lucas Douglas: That makes no sense.
Dr. Chris Taub: I know. I was making a point.
Lucas Douglas: Oh, good. I thought you were an idiot.
Dr. Chris Taub: Why are you talking?
Lucas Douglas: Oh, the guy doing manual labor can't have an opinion? I might be a genius who just happens to have a passion for fixing coffee machines. No, I'm obviously not, but that's rude to make assumptions about people.

Dr. Gregory House: Brain's clean. Moving on.
Dr. Remy Hadley: To where? We've gone from making no sense to making less sense and then taking a step backward.

You know, people hate people who have theories about people.

People should not be testing drugs because they're desperate. But, people won't test drugs unless they're desperate. We need drugs to save children and puppies, ergo we need desperate people, ergo welfare kills sick children.

Dr. Chris Taub: You've discovered that one of us has been hiding the ability to stretch or shrink themselves?
Dr. Gregory House: No. I would never out someone's superpowers.

Thirteen: Drugs? How many trials are you on?
Brandon: Three.
Dr. Gregory House: Admirable. Not many idiots have that much ambition.

There's a lot of people here today. Including some from the Corps. And I noticed that every one of them, is either my father's rank, or higher. And that doesn't surprise me. Because if the test of a man is how he treats those he has power over... it was a test my father failed. This man you're eager to pay homage to, he was incapable of admitting any point of view but his own. He punished failure, he did not accept anything less than... He loved doing what he did, he saw his work as some kind of sacred calling, more important than any personal relationship. Maybe if he'd been a better father, I'd be a better son. But I am what I am because of him, for better or for worse.

Still not boring.

Dr. Chris Taub: House, call your mom.
Dr. Gregory House: What are you? My mom?

She was adopted when the parents thought they couldn't have kids. Then they had three more. She took the message as "Thanks for playing, but we have our real children now."

Such a beautiful day, we thought we'd do all our doctoring outside.

Thirteen: Bubbles.
Dr. Gregory House: Is that your new stripper name?
Thirteen: Yes. And also we inject bubbles into the cyst and follow where they drift. They end up in the other organs, we know you're right, cut it out, she's fine.
Dr. Gregory House: Bubbles is right.

Another life saved by girl-on-girl action.

If you're happy, then I'm -

Dr. Eric Foreman: You're doing drugs, staying up all night, having sex with strangers.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: It sounds like fun to me.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Spider bite doesn't explain anything unless the patient was actually bitten by a spider. I'll do the exam.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't be ridiculous. That would be inappropriate. It'd be better if a woman gropes her. There's no sexual tension that way.

There's more than one baby in the sea. World is full of teenage boys riding bareback.

They explained the returns policy, right? It's worse than video games.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why do you need to negate everything?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't know.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thirty-seven-year-old male with recurring blackouts.
Dr. Gregory House: Tell him to switch from tequila to bourbon. Worked for me.

You're feeling threatened because she's going onto high school and leaving you behind to repeat the eighth grade.

Dr. Chris Taub: Uh... we're not cops. Cops aren't allowed to say that, right?
Sadie: Yeah. They can say it.
Dr. Chris Taub: Oh.
Sadie: But if you were a cop, you would know that. What do you want?
Dr. Chris Taub: Um... I'd like to buy some cocaine please.
Sadie: Definitely not a cop.

You're not gonna feel a thing except this excruciating pain.

Hey, Cameron, how would you like your old job back? I'm asking because it's the only way I can fire you.

Dr. Chris Taub: Blood in the field. Not where I'm looking.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: How am I supposed to know where you're looking?
Dr. Chris Taub: Here's a hint: it's the bloody part.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: The whole thing's bloody. It's a guy with a hole in his body.

Thirteen: What did Cuddy want?
Dr. Gregory House: I kinda hit that last night, so now she's all on my jock.
Thirteen: Wow! She looks pretty good for someone on roofies.

Well, since she's still dying, the arsenic obviously wasn't killing her. Since she's now getting worse, the arsenic was obviously fighting the killer. It's a hero. We should be organizing a parade.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Three days ago, you said "no."
Dr. Gregory House: Three days ago, you asked me. Now you told me. Can't say "no" if it's not a question.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You're a hypocrite! If our job is to find out what's killing patients, you'd help this kid. But you'd rather play mind games to prove you're the only one with magical powers.
Dr. Gregory House: You wanted something all your own. Now you've got it.

Dr. Chris Taub: If you're this grown up at 16, what happens at 30?
Thirteen: You turn back into a kid... like Kutner.
Dr. Chris Taub: Kutner's not that bad.
Thirteen: He needs everything to be nice. Wants to see the best in everyone.

Dr. Gregory House: You're suggesting that you screwed up because of a non-relationship with me. I don't know how I can help you because the only change you can make from a non-relationship is...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You want a relationship?
Dr. Gregory House: God, no. Just trying to follow your logic.

Dr. Robert Chase: This is pathetic. If I strap a bomb to my chest, do I get seven doctors attending to me?
Dr. Gregory House: Dr. Robert Chase. On the off-chance you have some brilliant escape plan and are the vengeful type.
Dr. Robert Chase: Do you think he's the only guy in New Jersey with an unsolved illness and a pistol? I'm not playing this game.

Thirteen - Dr. Remy Hadley: You're a coward! You need to know everything because you're afraid to be wrong. You're so afraid of being ordinary, of being just another doctor, just another human being that you'll risk other people's lives.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm arrogant. You're the coward. You're terrified of death. You just want to cheat it by making it come sooner, gives you the illusion of control.

Wow! Muscles and curves. My penis is so confused.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That's it? You're not going to argue why this case is beneath you?
Dr. Gregory House: No point. I'm in an elevator, I can't run away.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You can't run away anyway.
Dr. Gregory House: That's just mean.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Any idea why we're getting half as many requests for you as usual?
Dr. Gregory House: Democrats' health care plan?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Must've been horrible watching her die.
Thirteen: I wanted her to die. She just... yelled so much, and for no reason. Just screamed at me in front of my friends. My father tried to explain to me that her brain was literally shrinking, that she didn't mean it. That it was the disease. But I didn't care. I hated her. I never said good-bye. And she died with me hating her.

Dr. Chris Taub: Why aren't we doing this in your office?
Dr. Gregory House: Obviously, because it would be stupid to do this in an office with no furniture. Cuddy overreacted to my overreaction.

In seven months, you'll have a virgin birth. Merry Christmas.

Why don't you just hang out in the video store and tell everyone Kevin Spacey's Keyser Soze? By the way, that ending really made no sense at all.

Yes, I was going to stalk you at home, but it was a busy week and your office is closer.

Dr. James Wilson: Irene Adler. Christmas 2001. Sarcoid symptoms, but she didn't respond to methotrexate. I've never seen him so obsessed. He saved her with a last-minute Wegener's diagnosis, but the hours he put in... I thought it would kill him. And then... well, he fell for her, but it was too soon after Stacy and... It sounds silly, but Irene was the one who got away.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Really?
Dr. James Wilson: No, you idiots. House is just screwing with you.

You're not acting like House. You are like him.

This is the favor? I was expecting something involving whipped cream and tongue depressors.

Lock up on your way out. Don't touch the piano.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Do not try and force me to choose between my child...
Dr. Gregory House: I'm forcing you to do your job!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, I've got a DYFS home visit on Friday.
Dr. Gregory House: And I've got a W-H-O-R-E visit on...

Dr. Gregory House: Come on, you're from one of the Twelve Tribes, you must know a ton of schysters.
Dr. Chris Taub: What type of lawyer do you need? I'll bring it up at the next world domination subcommittee meeting.

Cuddy's gonna love you. Patient, on the other hand, is gonna hate you until the day she dies next week. Actually, this idiot will probably forgive you.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Insulting me is not going to make me go away.
Dr. Gregory House: You're not here! Honestly, I'm not trying to make you go away.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Her trial results are already compromised just from the fact that I know. As long as she's wasting her time, why not give her something that might actually help her?
Dr. Robert Chase: Valid point. Except for the fact that it's a load of crap. Don't be an idiot.

Dr. Gregory House: Because that would let Cameron in on the fact that I never intended to do it.
Dr. Chris Taub: This is going to be convoluted, isn't it?
Dr. Gregory House: Figured I'd ask her for something really crazy, so she'd shoot me down and get the whole I-can-control-House thing out of her perky little system. So the next time I went back and ask for something marginally crazy, she would see marginally reasonable and she'd say "yes." So yeah, slightly convulted.
Dr. Chris Taub: We're screwed.

The only time to strike back is when I want something. All I want now is to get things back to normal. Which I can't get by escalating. The only way to win this war is to lose it. Let her punch herself out.

Dr. Gregory House: Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't know. Maybe they wanted to take time off to spend with their little dumbwaiter but then they had to leave it at home with an elevator sitter because you drove the replacement elevator into quitting because you're incapable of listening to anybody but me. But that's just a theory.
Dr. Gregory House: You're wrong. I don't even listen to you. Either do your job or go home. Leave me out of it!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am going to do my job. Doesn't mean I have to do it happily. Doesn't mean I have to do it without resentment, and it definitely doesn't mean I have to do it without seeking vengeance on the person making me be here. Congratulations, you've officially dragged me down to your level.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay.