Dr. Lisa Cuddy Quotes

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if I'd shot a live person, there's a lot more paperwork.

Next time you get shot, I promise to only treat the bullet wounds.

The benefit of being boss is that I don't have to argue. You're all off the case.

You're an idiot. Trust me. Everybody will be happier if House and I aren't dating.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Pretend time's been going on long enough.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't have a medical license. All I can do is pretend.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And I'm going to have payroll send over some pretend checks starting tomorrow.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I heard House has met Sam.
Dr. James Wilson: First time, he was naked. Second time, he brought a transvestite prostitute to dinner. Overall, it could have been worse.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Great.

House, I need you to come to that dinner for two hours, keep your mouth shut, and behave like an adult. Yes, you will be in Hell, but I will feel better having you there. That is what a relationship is. We average our misery.

Are you asking me to file charges? Just give me the paperwork. If Greg House steps foot in my hospital, or comes anywhere near me - I want him thrown in jail!

I'm your doctor. You've been good to me and good to this hospital. Of course I care, but I don't see how this conversation could end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair, or she's not having an affair, and you have come here because you rightly think I should fire him, but I can't, even if it cost me your money. The son-on-a-bitch is the best doctor we have.

You can't order a thirty-two hundred dollar DNA test to win a bet!

It's not gonna work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game, and I'm gonna win because I got a head start: You are already miserable.

If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.

Okay, let's just get this patient healthy. I want her going out the front door and not the back.

It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, did the complications increase exponentially with cup size?

You're ordering tests to cover your lechery. Interesting.

Maternal instinct is always irrational. Doesn't mean it's wrong.

Dr. Gregory House: You don't have a problem with what I did?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done, trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane; so, when I hired you, I also set aside fifty thousand a year for legal expenses. So far, you've come in under budget.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You put him on Lupron?
Dr. Gregory House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And you told them it was like milk?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. Gregory House: It's creamy.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. Gregory House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

Dr. Gregory House: Ever seen an infected pierced scrotum?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Uh... no, but I know a few people to whom I'd like to see it happen.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why do you have to make everything so dramatic?
Dr. Gregory House: Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog. Ruff ruff ruff, rarr, ruff!

You are a great doctor, House, but you are not worth $100 million.

If you think House deserves to go, if you think I deserve to go, Wilson deserved to go, then vote yes, but if you're doing this because you are afraid of losing his money, then he's right! He does own you. You have a choice. Maybe the last real one you'll have here.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You just don't want to deal with the epidemic!
Dr. Gregory House: That's right. I'm subjecting a twelve-year-old to a battery of dangerous and invasive tests to avoid being bored.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, maybe I would do that, but I'm not! If it turns out she's got meningitis, you're right, you win, but if we go downstairs and she dies... your face will be so red!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You, in the lobby, now.
Dr. Gregory House: I hurt my leg. I have a note.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What is it, Clarence?
Clarence: My gut!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Would you describe it as a shooting pain? A throbbing pain? Or maybe an imaginary pain because you don't want to go back to prison?

Balls are in your court, Doctor.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you being intentionally dense?
Dr. Gregory House: Huh?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is there nobody you admire?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, there was this gal I met in 'Nam who could blow out a candle without using...

Go see Stacy.

Dr. Gregory House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here. If Cameron kills someone, Chase takes over. There's a flowchart in the lobby.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Hey! Did you drop acid?
Dr. Gregory House: Why would I do that?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: To annoy me or maybe because you're miserable or because you want to self-destruct. Pick one.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You induced a migraine headache in a coma patient?
Dr. Gregory House: Gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Have you even read an ethical guideline?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Teenage supermodel. Presented with double vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataplexy...
Dr. Gregory House: You had me at "teenage supermodel."

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, don't you think that's a little manipulative?
Dr. Gregory House: No, it's hugely manipulative.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He's 66 years old.
Dr. Gregory House: He told me he was 65. Liar. I'm outta here.

Charlotte: I am not having an affair with my daughter's karate instructor and I did not give my husband herpes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Find out where House is.

Okay. Magical tick hunt is over! Only real doctor stuff now.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards and a little less time staring at my breasts.
Dr. Gregory House: They don't match either.

Dr. Gregory House: You know that relative to their size, gorillas have smaller testicles than humans.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, then you'd probably have an edge over a gorilla, but not over me.

Dr. Gregory House: I need a little help.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Inexplicable rash on a patient's scrotum you need me to look at?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She took the pills to sleep, not to kill herself.
Dr. Gregory House: Clever alibi.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't downplay this, House. You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.
Dr. Gregory House: Ooh, level three. You should call Jack Bauer.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What is this?
Dr. Gregory House: He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.

Dr. Gregory House: You don't have cancer.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You don't have dwarfism.
Dr. Gregory House: You have no proof of that.

House, you don't use hunches. You always have reasons. This hospital doesn't exist for your whims.

Dr. Gregory House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: True, better be true and you're a pig.

Dr. Gregory House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: True, better be true and you're a pig.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She has a mole on her right breast just below the nipple.
Dr. Gregory House: No she doesn't.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You've seen her breasts?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went, "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House."

Sometimes an ass is just an ass.

We are gonna use this machine to clean your blood. It goes out of you and through the filter like the filter in a fish tank. So it's kinda cool actually.

One of you is probably right. Why not we hold the sniping until we found that which?

You make everyone around you worse for being there. The only bright spot is that now I own your ass.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'll pay you $10 for every patient you diagnose without touching. You pay me $10 for every one you have to touch.
Dr. Gregory House: You're making this into a game for me from which I can only conclude this isn't a game for you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No.
Dr. Gregory House: Why? You think if I deal with enough people, I'll find some humanity?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yes.

Don Herrick: So, what does a dean of medicine do?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, can we please not talk about that. I will talk about anything else, but I'm just trying to get away from work.
Don Herrick: Metaphorically. Because, geographically the coffee place around the corner from the hospital probably isn't the furthest you could get.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're supposed to be in clinic duty.
Dr. Gregory House: Like I can sleep down there with all the crying and coughing.

Dr. Gregory House: Give her twenty milligrams of antihistamine. Could save her life 'cause if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Delivering goodwill to yet another continent.

Dr. Gregory House: Need to get a better look at your rash.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Use your imagination.
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. Shall I go with "Lifeguard Cuddy" or "Mother Superior Cuddy"?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Restrictive pericarditis.
Dr. Gregory House: Boring.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's in kindergarten.
Dr. Gregory House: Less boring or Grandma's been held back a few years.

Dr. Gregory House: My patient is about to have a heart attack. It's gonna be massive!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, well, that's too bad 'cause I just got tickets to a stroke on the third floor.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Cameron would never have accepted that this guy knew nothing about the love of his life and as soon as you claimed it was multiple conditions, Foreman would have done anything to prove you wrong, and then Chase would have done anything to prove you right. Any one of them would have solved this days ago.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Hire a team. I don't care how you do it. ... Just do it!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You bumped a spleenectomy for a boob job?
Dr. Gregory House: Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?

I don't know what House wants you to do and I don't want to know, but if you really have a problem with it, quit now. It's only gonna get worse.

Your team, Foreman included, is dealing with the Great Mayonnaise Panic of 2007. Frankly, I'm worried it might spread to other continents.

Dr. Gregory House: I know how to kill a man with my thumb.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Who doesn't?

House, do you have a minute to be disemboweled?

Dr. Gregory House: Oh. My. God.
Dr. Gregory House: You're not wearing underwear.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Of course I'm...
Dr. Gregory House: Skirt that tight, you've got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD. You seen Dr. Cole?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No.
Dr. Gregory House: You're blushing.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am not.
Dr. Gregory House: Look at me.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh! My! God!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: This was your plan all along!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, at least the games are over.
Dr. Gregory House: How long have you known me?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You owe me fifty bucks.
Dr. Gregory House: Then you owe me half a lap dance.

Dr. Gregory House: I need you to sleep with Wilson.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Good morning.

Fifty-one weeks out of the year, I let you run around like a monkey in a banana factory.

I didn't bring you back here so you could stage a coup!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why do you need to negate everything?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't know.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thirty-seven-year-old male with recurring blackouts.
Dr. Gregory House: Tell him to switch from tequila to bourbon. Worked for me.

Dr. Gregory House: You're suggesting that you screwed up because of a non-relationship with me. I don't know how I can help you because the only change you can make from a non-relationship is...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You want a relationship?
Dr. Gregory House: God, no. Just trying to follow your logic.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That's it? You're not going to argue why this case is beneath you?
Dr. Gregory House: No point. I'm in an elevator, I can't run away.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You can't run away anyway.
Dr. Gregory House: That's just mean.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Any idea why we're getting half as many requests for you as usual?
Dr. Gregory House: Democrats' health care plan?

Yes, I was going to stalk you at home, but it was a busy week and your office is closer.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Do not try and force me to choose between my child...
Dr. Gregory House: I'm forcing you to do your job!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, I've got a DYFS home visit on Friday.
Dr. Gregory House: And I've got a W-H-O-R-E visit on...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Insulting me is not going to make me go away.
Dr. Gregory House: You're not here! Honestly, I'm not trying to make you go away.

Dr. Gregory House: Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't know. Maybe they wanted to take time off to spend with their little dumbwaiter but then they had to leave it at home with an elevator sitter because you drove the replacement elevator into quitting because you're incapable of listening to anybody but me. But that's just a theory.
Dr. Gregory House: You're wrong. I don't even listen to you. Either do your job or go home. Leave me out of it!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am going to do my job. Doesn't mean I have to do it happily. Doesn't mean I have to do it without resentment, and it definitely doesn't mean I have to do it without seeking vengeance on the person making me be here. Congratulations, you've officially dragged me down to your level.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You idiot! I was free and clear. Now he's coming and it's your fault!
Dr. James Wilson: Since when have your failed attempts at communication through lies become my fault?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Since you forgot how to keep your mouth shut! You messed it up, and now you're gonna fix it! And you're gonna keep my name out of it!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where are you going?
Dr. Gregory House: Nowhere. Staying right here so we can properly discuss this.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I was paged?
Nick: Whoa! I would do her in a minute with fudge and cherry on top. Would someone please explain to this woman, there's only so many apologies I can...
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: He has Frontal Lobe Disinhibition.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Confirm she's faking or I'm going to have to kick her out.
Dr. Gregory House: There's that voice again.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'll give you 24 hours.
Dr. Gregory House: Consecutive?

I'm sorry. I've hired a grief counselor I'm sure none of you will see. And I'm offering time off which I'm sure none of you will take, but just know it's available.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you in love with House?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You are not concerned about me... you're marking your territory.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You shouldn't be involved with House. Neither should I. Neither should anyone. You and Chase are good together. Don't screw it up.

Must've left it in his pants which he wasn't wearing when the police found him trying to walk home, oddly from his own apartment.

People who get close to you get hurt, that's a fact. You're also a valued doctor in this hospital, that's another fact. From now on, I'm going to focus on the second fact.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I want to run the department.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You consider waiting until House clears the lobby before you start angling for his job?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's not dead, or sentimental. And somebody needs to do it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Not necessarily, Departments of Diagnostic Medicine don't exist. The only reason we have one is because... of House.

Dr. Allison Cameron: She's being coerced.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If she is... I'd rather have a needle prick on my conscience than the death of her family members.

I'm a mother now. I need a guy I can count on every single day. That's never been House.

Dr. James Wilson: You're Bonnie's friend. You know how to reach her and yet instead of calling her, you come and seek my permission. You want my blessing, and implicitly House's blessing.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't need House's blessing.
Dr. James Wilson: Good.

Dr. Chris Taub: We were screwing with Foreman. Trying to make him think he made less money than we did. Obviously, things got out of control.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, someone does something stupid and insensitive, I always figure it was House. Good to know it's catching.

You still have a thumb because of us and like everyone else in this world, we don't work for free. We earn this money and if we have to take your house to get it, we will.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What do you think I should do about Atlanticnet?
Dr. James Wilson: You're asking a guy who paid full sticker price for his last car. You ask House? He's a master manipulator who always gets what he wants.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: This situation is out of control enough already. House is the last person I want to get involved.

Dr. Wilson: I'm pacing in your office because I am physically incapable of buying furniture.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: For Amber's old place?
Dr. Wilson: ...Yeah. I... it needs some new...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I know you bought the place I wanted. You're a jerk. Move on. Hire a decorator.

Call the police. Shut down all the exits. We are on lockdown. Nobody moves until we find that baby!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I just want us to be friends.
Dr. Gregory House: Funny. That's the last thing I want us to be.

Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. I'm sick of other people having to tip toe around you and make their own lives worse while they try to keep you from collapsing. I'm done!

Don't do this. Why do you have to analyze things to death? Why can't you just... let it be nice?

The only time you're afraid is when you're happy. You don't expect it to last.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: HR can't find you a new supervisor.
Dr. Gregory House: How come?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because you're unsuperviseable, House. Two department chairs threatened to quit.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That fight... it was the first honest interaction you and I have had since we came back to work. If we are painfully, brutally honest with each other, maybe we'll get lucky again.
Dr. Gregory House: You've got a big ass.

Dr. Gregory House: I need some help with Alice Tanner. She wants a vagina.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm pretty attached to mine.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Except I didn't used to have sex with him, you idiot! Plus he was a gay hooker!
Dr. Gregory House: Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a straight male hooker?

Dr. Gregory House: Why would I give up one who definitely works, for one who might work?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because I asked you to.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, that's not really an argument, now, is it?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I won't see you until you stop seeing her.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What? How did you eat a dime?
Rachel Cuddy: House.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The two of you have a combined IQ north of 300.
Dr. Gregory House: That's also true of five morons.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's a third-year med student. She graduated high school when she was 15. She filled out her time before med school getting PHds in both applied Math and Art History.
Dr. Gregory House: She'll be incredibly useful if my next patient is an Escher drawing. Those things are seriously screwed up.

I don't care right now that you lied to me. I want you to stay alive.

Dr. Gregory House: I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's... fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and believe. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thank you.

Teacher: Rachel had a great time, played with everything. She's a very clever girl. I'm sorry to ask this, but we've had some problems with parents coaching kids. Rachel caught on to our toys unusually quickly, and she even knew the game was called Feed the Monkey.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, as eager as I am to have her go here, I promise you, I would never do that. Hey, Rachel, have you ever played Feed the Monkey before?
Rachel Cuddy: ...No, Mama.

Dr. Gregory House: Just some stuff that can cause severe nausea, and permanent erctile disfunction. And which proves that your mom is doing the help. According to her diary, some contractor named Jesus, which granted, was originally a Jewish name.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Go mom.

I want you to care more than just what you want. You think you need me, House. You may even love me. But you don't care about me. And I deserve someone who does.

Dr. Gregory House: I RSVP'd two days ago. What? Do you think I'm a complete ass?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Cuddy walks away. Then stops and turns around] If you were already going why did you - ?
Dr. Gregory House: Foreplay.

Dr. Gregory House: If you don't make it, I won't sleep with anyone for at least a month.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Make it two.
Dr. Gregory House: Bitch.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Get them out of here. My urethra is not for public entertainment.
Dr. Gregory House: But it is good time adjacent.

When things go wrong, I don't want to hope that I'm not alone. I want to know it. With House - everytime I needed him to step up - he's just never gonna be that. It's not his fault. It's who he is. I should have known it. This is my fault.

Martha Masters: House has opened up an internship.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You do realize if you take it. He'll probably end up firing you again.
Martha Masters: He's always hired me back.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And he'll continue mocking and insulting you- whatever chance you get.
Martha Masters: It's certainly toughened me up. You're trying to get me to say good things about him.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: NO! I'm trying to make you make your own decision and leave me alone. Working with House is great - and it sucks - often simultaneously. Most people can't work in that environment. Question is: can you?

He's being an ass. If I could join you in suing him...

Dr. Eric Foreman: We could or we could assume something's seriously wrong with House and try to do something about that. That way, even if we're wrong, nobody dies.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House is fine. House is always fine.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm expanding my theory. He's avoiding you, and you're avoiding him. And this patient is going to die.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Not if you do your job.

Dr. Gregory House: I tried calling everyone else. You were the last one on the list.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why wasn't 9-1-1 on the list?
Dr. Gregory House: It's not an emergency.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Right. Are you suicidal?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You already signed a release. He's gonna do what he needs to do.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, and if that involves chopping off my leg - I want to be damn sure it's necessary.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House...
Dr. Gregory House: I don't trust him. I trust *you*.