Bart Simpson Quotes

If this is an addiction center, I'm hooked.

Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.
Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.

Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.

There's only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut!

After trying four times to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom, and we were on our way!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... aye carumba!

Dad's an aquired taste, Lis. Like Hawaiian pizza.

Bart Simpson: Mom says I can have ice cream for breakfast. Oh, she's still here. Mom, can I have ice cream for breakfast?
Marge Simpson: No way, mister! It's just chocolate chip pancakes and syrup for you.

Bart Simpson: Who are those guys?
Homer Simpson: That's BTO. They were Canada's answer to ELP. Their biggest hit was TCB. That was how we talked in the seventies. We didn't have a moment to spare.

Sideshow Bob: Rakes, my arch enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside you, Bart.

Lisa Simpson: Bart, you're my big brother. You should act like it more often. You know, protect me from the bad things in the world.
Bart Simpson: As far as nerdy little sisters go, you're the coolest.
Lisa Simpson: Thanks, Bart.
Bart Simpson: And I'm sorry I sabotaged your flag.
Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry I got us lost out here.
Bart Simpson: Oh! And I'm sorry I sawed the heads of your Malibu Stacy dolls. Okay, now you go.
Lisa Simpson: I don't think I've done anything else.
Bart Simpson: Okay, I'll go again. Remember when your bike was mangled by "gypsies"?
Lisa Simpson: Yes?
Bart Simpson: Yeah, funny story. One day I was really bored, and Dad had left a steamroller idling in the driveway...

Bart: All right, I'm in. I'll humiliate the love of your life. Because I like you, I'll even do it "pro boner".
Principal Skinner: It's "pro bono".
Bart: I know what I said.

Bart: I want to be emancipated.
Homer: Emancipated! Don't you like bein' a dude?

Bart Simpson: Americans are brave and loyal / So come on jerks, give us your oil...
Lisa Simpson: My card here says 'ACLU' / Now look what I'm going to do!

Bart: Am I the only one in horrible pain?
Homer: You're the only one who won't shut up about it.

Lisa Simpson: Papa, may we have petit four?
Bart Simpson: Papa, may we have pain au chocolat?
Homer Simpson: "May we"? "May we"? Mais oui!

Jack Bauer: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart Simpson: I'm, um, Ahmed Adoudi.
Jack Bauer: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoudi. Does somebody know Ahmed Adoudi?
Chloe O'Brian: Ahmed Adoudi: wealthy Saudi financier, disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
Jack Bauer: Really?
Chloe O'Brian: No, Jack! It's a joke name! You're being set up.
Jack Bauer: Damn it!

Bart Simpson: Maggie's thing? She won't even remember it.
Marge Simpson: You never remember the nice things we do for you.
Bart Simpson: Like what?
Marge Simpson: Food.
Bart Simpson: Pass!
Marge Simpson: Shelter.
Bart Simpson: That dump?
Marge Simpson: Clothing.
Bart Simpson: I wouldn't blow my nose on this!

Bart Simpson: Why do we have to go to the rec center? I wanna play with my friends.
Homer Simpson: When you're older, you'll miss going to these little activities.
Lisa Simpson: Why aren't you going to these little activities?
Homer Simpson: Uh, because no one can make me.

Bart Simpson: If I had known setting the table was this easy, I would have done it years ago, instead of throwing all those tantrums.
Marge Simpson: Oh, Bart! You've finally become the kind of boy every mother dreams of: A girl!

Lisa Simpson: Your line of educational videos have turned my brother's brain into mush.
Bart Simpson: Pretty shapes tell me to kill everyone.

Carol Berrera: I have been looking at your file, and I'm worried that you're falling behind the other students.
Bart Simpson: I'm troubled, Ma'am. I need a firm but pretty hand.
Carol Berrera: Would you like to have Martin Prince tutor you?
Bart Simpson: No! Last time he went to my house, he talked about bird watching all day. Even my mom got sick of it, and she loves boredom.

Bart Simpson: Mom says I can have ice cream for breakfast. Oh, she's still here. Mom, can I have ice cream for breakfast?
Marge Simpson: No way, mister! It's just chocolate chip pancakes and syrup for you.

Bart Simpson: Dad loves Ultimate Punching more than I do. Tell her, dad.
Homer Simpson: Ultimate Punching is immoral and dangerous. Many studies confirm what your mom just said.
Bart Simpson: Wait a minute.
Bart Simpson: Chocolate, frosting, cherry... She got to you! With a piece of Bavarian chocolate cake!
Homer Simpson: It wasn't just a piece, it was the whole cake! Frosting like snow, on the eaves of a Bavarian castle!
Bart Simpson: At least you didn't come cheap.
Homer Simpson: I couldn't help it! She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!

Bart Simpson: It was an accident! I didn't mean to kill our ants.
Homer Simpson: Patty and Selma are dead? Whoo hoo! Double funeral!
Bart Simpson: Dad, before you jump to any conclusions...
Homer Simpson: Oh, please tell me they suffered.
Homer Simpson: G-G-G-hags!

Bart Simpson: I just have one question about hair: where does mine start? Head, head, head... hair? Where's the border?
Lisa Simpson: Oh, my God! Me too!
Lisa Simpson: What are we?

Bart Simpson: Why would a dude do everything a dame wants on Valentines Day?
Homer Simpson: It's a trade-off. We do whatever women want on Valentines Day, and they let us blow stuff up on the Fourth of July. I just hope the two don't fall on the same day.

Lisa Simpson: Hey, merry pranksters. Dinner's ready.
Bart Simpson: Dammit, she knows! All right, what will it take to buy your silence?
Lisa Simpson: Just throw in a couple of "Fur is murder"s.
Bart Simpson: How is fur murder? They're just animals.
Lisa Simpson: Dad!
Bart Simpson: Okay, okay, fur is murder! Everything's murder.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Dad, can we play?
Robot T21: We cannot take the inferior one.
Milhouse: My heart makes up for my shortcomings, like Rudy.
Robot T21: Rudy was only put in at the end of a meaningless game.
Robot A18: We will notify you if this game becomes meaningless.

Bart Simpson: Come on, dad. You love New York, now that your two least favorite buildings have been obliterated; Old Penn Station and Shea Stadium.
Homer Simpson: Lousy outdated relics.

Bart Simpson: We make a great brother-sister team, like Andy and Lana Wachowski.
Lisa Simpson: Should we hug?
Bart Simpson: Let's fist bump through a towel.
Lisa Simpson: Works for me.

Marge Simpson: Lisa's okay with not having friends? That's the saddest thing a daughter could say to her mother.
Bart Simpson: I can think of something sadder. The saddest thing would be if Mom and Lisa were texting while driving and Mom hit Lisa, and Lisa's last text was "I got the message." Good night.

Bart Simpson: Hey, dad. What would you do if you got my ear in the mail?
Homer Simpson: I dunno. Feed it to the dog?
Bart Simpson: You'll have to wrap it in cheese first.
Homer Simpson: Don't tell me how to feed you to the dog!

Sideshow Bob: I did it! I did it all! There! Is that what you want, you smarmy, little bastards?
Bart: We want the truth!
Sideshow Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities!

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely. First initials, I. P.
Moe: Hey, everybody, I pee freely!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you have just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and The Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool gory pictures. See you next week. Peace, man!

Bart: Dad! Oh, Dad!
Homer: Avenge me, son. Avenge my death.

Homer: We're proud of you, boy.
Bart: Thanks, Dad. A part of this D-minus belongs to God.

Grampa: I have an announcement to make. I've decided to give Bea's money away. There are people who really need it. I'm gonna let them come to me and plead their case and then I'll decide who needs it most.
Lisa: Grampa, that's the noblest thought that's ever been expressed at this table.
Bart Simpson: Give it to us, Grampa.
Homer Simpson: Bart! Forgive him, Dad. He's just a stupid little kid who says the first thing that pops into his head, but, you know, there's wisdom in his innocence.
Grampa: You don't want it.
Homer Simpson: Yes, I do.

Grampa: Too bad, you ain't getting' it!

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I am proud of you. I was twice your age when I figured that out.

Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.
Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.

Bart: Hey, where's Homer?
Marge: Your father is... resting.
Bart: "Resting" hung over? "Resting" got fired? Help me out here.

Grampa Simpson: Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"?
Bart Simpson: I glanced at it. Boy cries wolf, has a few laughs... I forget how it ends.
Grampa Simpson: [does an annoyed grunt as he approaches a red light] Bart, is that light green?
Bart Simpson: Yep!
Grampa Simpson: It better be!

Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not gonna to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.

Bart: Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.
Bart: And... now!

Bart Simpson: Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
Grampa: I figured 'cause the Democrats were in power again.

Bart Simpson: Principal Skinner? Um, I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired, and biting you, and then getting it on with your leg.
Principal Skinner: Well... maybe it was for the best.

Homer: Time to Trim the Mark.
Bart: Way to use the lingo, Homer.
Homer: 10-4, Kemosabe.

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
Bart: Hello, mother dear.
Marge: That's it, we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here.
Homer: In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Bart: Wow Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned Flanders: Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!

Lisa Simpson: Is that Dad?
Bart Simpson: Either that or Batman has really let himself go.

Bart: Milhouse. You were supposed to be the night watchman.
Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Bart: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go...
Moe: All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

Homer Simpson: Okay, boy. This is where all the hard work, sacrifice, and painful scaldings pay off.
Employee: Four pounds of grease... that comes to... sixty-three cents.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
Bart Simpson: Dad, all that bacon cost twenty-seven dollars.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, but your mom paid for that!
Bart Simpson: But doesn't she get her money from you?
Homer Simpson: And I get my money from grease! What's the problem?

Bart: Join us tomorrow and everyday until the curfew is lifted as we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart: And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh!

Max Power: Kids: there's three ways to do things; the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way!
Bart Simpson: Isn't that the wrong way?
Max Power: Yeah, but faster!

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Homer Simpson: Don't you have school?
Bart Simpson: Don't you have work?
Homer Simpson: Ah, touche.

Marge Simpson: Look, they're making a movie! Robert Downey, Jr. is shooting it out with the police.
Bart Simpson: I don't see any cameras.

Kent Brockman: Our top story is the ozone hole that devastated Brazil last summer is apparently wintering in Springfield.
Bart Simpson: Wooh! Springfield rocks!
Kent Brockman: Residents are advised to stay inside unless you use sunscreen, or are very, very hairy. Experts recommend class nine, or Robin Williams level of hair coverage.

Bart: Can we keep him, Dad? Please?
Homer: But he's a loser. He's pathetic. He's...
Homer: A Simpson.

Bart Simpson: Ah, finally, some books for today's busy idiots. "Network Programming for Dummies". "Christianity for Dummies". "Moby Dick"? "Call me Ishmael, dummy." How did you write all these books?
Dummies author: Duh, I don't know. Me got to go to the bank now.