The Simpsons Quotes

Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow.

Mustached Plant Employee: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Hello, operator. Give me the number for 911.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... aye carumba!

After trying four times to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom, and we were on our way!

Apu, if it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Huh? What's wrong? House ran away? Dog's on fire?

There's only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut!

If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on... oh, God, I'm delirious.

Goodnight, Barney. Don't forget to bring back my car back tomorrow. Just slide it under the door.

Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.

Burns: Uh, Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved.
Homer Simpson: I see. Well... I'll need some beer.

Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.
Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.

And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way, because that's the kind of guy I am this week.

This is for Snowball I and JFK!

Homer Simpson: You can't enjoy money when you're dead, so why not have fun now?
Marge Simpson: Don't you think you've had enough fun? Last year you spent five thousand dollars on donuts, two thousand on scalp massages, five hundred on body glitter.
Homer Simpson: Hey, I earned that money. While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump.
Marge Simpson: Oh, please! From what I hear, you waltz in there at ten thirty, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around Googling your own name until lunch.
Homer Simpson: Who told you that?
Marge Simpson: You shouted it while we were making love!

I'm stuck, and I have to pee. Now I'm just stuck.

Wolves are taking all our women!

No child of mine shall go without anything, except quality health care!

Homer, I thought Hollywood said that Movie piracy is wrong!

I can't go out with him. He's just Ralph with a dream.

I said it when I was eleven years old, and I'll say it now: you are the best husband I ever had.

Thanks for helping us free that whale, Willie.

Dad's an aquired taste, Lis. Like Hawaiian pizza.

If this is an addiction center, I'm hooked.

Bart: Can we keep him, Dad? Please?
Homer: But he's a loser. He's pathetic. He's...
Homer: A Simpson.

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely. First initials, I. P.
Moe: Hey, everybody, I pee freely!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you have just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and The Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool gory pictures. See you next week. Peace, man!

Bart: Dad! Oh, Dad!
Homer: Avenge me, son. Avenge my death.

Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider... deportation.
Marge Simpson: Deportation? You mean kick Bart out of the country?
Homer Simpson: Hear him out, Marge.

The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.

Homer: We're proud of you, boy.
Bart: Thanks, Dad. A part of this D-minus belongs to God.

Homer: Mr. Pote, Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing. You didn't tell me it was built on an Indian burial ground!
Homer: NO, YOU DIDN'T!
Homer: Well, that's not my recollection.
Homer: Yeah, well... all right. Good-bye.
Homer: He says he mentioned it five or six times.

We would talk about it always. For the first time in our lives, Marge fell asleep before I did.

Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer Simpson: No way, because I'm not dying!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Second is anger.
Homer Simpson: Why you little... !
Dr. Julius Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer Simpson: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer Simpson: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Finally acceptance.
Homer Simpson: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

Something's wrong with that kid. She's so... moral. Why can't she be more like... well, not like Bart, but there has to be a happy medium.

Homer: Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.
Herb: Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe? Why, you spongehead! Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!
Marge Simpson: Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.
Lisa Simpson: His life was an unbridled success until he found out... he was a Simpson.

Grampa: I have an announcement to make. I've decided to give Bea's money away. There are people who really need it. I'm gonna let them come to me and plead their case and then I'll decide who needs it most.
Lisa: Grampa, that's the noblest thought that's ever been expressed at this table.
Bart Simpson: Give it to us, Grampa.
Homer Simpson: Bart! Forgive him, Dad. He's just a stupid little kid who says the first thing that pops into his head, but, you know, there's wisdom in his innocence.
Grampa: You don't want it.
Homer Simpson: Yes, I do.

Grampa: Too bad, you ain't getting' it!

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I am proud of you. I was twice your age when I figured that out.

Homer: Who are you?
Leon Kompowsky: Hi, I'm Michael Jackson from The Jacksons.
Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from The Simpsons.

Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?
Homer: No, I don't know what "shaden-frawde" is.
Homer: Please tell me, because I'm dying to know.
Lisa: It's a German term for "shameful joy", taking pleasure in the suffering of others.
Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt!
Homer: He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel... What's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours?
Lisa: Sour grapes.
Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!

Computer Voice: Warning, core temperature rising.
Homer Simpson: "Core temperature rising"? That sounds serious! Okay, okay, calm down. Whoever's problem this is, I'm sure they know how to handle it...
Homer Simpson: Ah! It's my problem! WE'RE DOOMED!

Lisa: I wish for world peace.
Homer: Lisa, that was very selfish of you.

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will.

Horst: Homer, could we have a word with you?
Homer: No.
Horst: I must have phrased that badly. My English is, how you say, inelegant. I meant to say, may we have a brief, friendly chat?
Homer: Noooo!
Horst: Once again I have failed.
Horst: We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange of ideas.
Homer: NOOOOO!

Homer: Yeah, that Timmy is a real hero.
Lisa: How do you mean dad?
Homer: Well... he fell down a well... and he can't get out.
Lisa: How does that make him a hero?
Homer: Well it's more than you did.

Homer Simpson: You're Darryl Strawberry!
Darryl Strawberry: Yes.
Homer Simpson: You play right field.
Darryl Strawberry: Yes.
Homer Simpson: I play right field too.
Darryl Strawberry: So?
Homer Simpson: Well, are you better than me?
Darryl Strawberry: Well, I've never met you, but... yes.

Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: A dinosaur.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, what if I told you that you could lose weight without diet or exercise?
Homer Simpson: I'd call you a lying scumbag, honey. Why?

Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.
Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.

Bart: Hey, where's Homer?
Marge: Your father is... resting.
Bart: "Resting" hung over? "Resting" got fired? Help me out here.

Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Ooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer: That's good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings.
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
Shopkeeper: ...That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Grampa Simpson: Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"?
Bart Simpson: I glanced at it. Boy cries wolf, has a few laughs... I forget how it ends.
Grampa Simpson: [does an annoyed grunt as he approaches a red light] Bart, is that light green?
Bart Simpson: Yep!
Grampa Simpson: It better be!

It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!

Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not gonna to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.

I am the lizard queen!

Bart: Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.
Bart: And... now!

Bart Simpson: Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
Grampa: I figured 'cause the Democrats were in power again.

Troy McClure: But now I'm here to tell you about a remarkable new invention.
Troy McClure: Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange.
Homer: You mean there's a better way?

George Harrison: Hello, Homer, I'm George Harrison.
Homer: Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie?

I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T.

"Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead!

Milhouse: It smells funny in there.
Homer: No, it doesn't.

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend, Joey Jo-Jo Junior... Shabadoo?
Moe Szyslak: That's the worst name I ever heard.
Barney Gumble: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!

Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?
Homer Simpson: Aw, you can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.
Kent Brockman: I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Homer Simpson: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
Kent Brockman: Well, touché.

You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day, I kept saying, "I'll go a little later, I'll go a little later..." And when I got there, they told me he just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he'll ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again!

Bart, with 10,000 dollars we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things, like... love!

Bart Simpson: Principal Skinner? Um, I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired, and biting you, and then getting it on with your leg.
Principal Skinner: Well... maybe it was for the best.

Homer: Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Marge: Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?

Lisa: Dad, as you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...
Lisa, Bart: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our new agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Sideshow Bob: I did it! I did it all! There! Is that what you want, you smarmy, little bastards?
Bart: We want the truth!
Sideshow Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities!

Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on
Homer: her
Homer: sweet can.
Homer: I grab
Homer: her
Homer: sweet can.
Homer: Oh, just thinking about
Homer: her
Homer: can. I just wish I had
Homer: her sweet, sweet, s-s-sweet can.

Homer: This is it. The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in, I'll have to quit drinking.
Homer's Liver: YAY!
Homer: Shut up, liver!

Homer: Hey, what's this? It looks like you're "showering" Marge with gifts. With tiny, little, baby-sized gifts... oh, well, I'll be in the tub.
Maude Flanders: Oh, by the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
Homer: New job... MARGE IS PREGNANT?
Homer: NOOOOOOO!

Homer: Marge?
Marge Simpson: Yes, Homie?
Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
Bart Simpson: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Homer: Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, Young Frankenstein? Scared the hell out of me.
Mel Brooks: Umm, thanks.

Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Ever since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.
Lisa: Oh, Dad...
Homer: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment, and you did it all yourself. You taught me to understand my own life better, and made me a better person, but you're still my daughter, and I don't think anyone has ever had a better daughter than...
Lisa: Dad, you're babbling.
Homer: See? You're still helping me.

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
Bart: Hello, mother dear.
Marge: That's it, we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here.
Homer: In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Lisa Simpson: Mom, I know your intentions are good but aren't the police the protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?
Marge: Look Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog!
Marge: Hey, Lisa, help me bite crime, ruff, ruff!

Lisa Simpson: Oh, no! That's awful, Mr. Puente. What? Oh, he owns the nuclear power plant. Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash, too.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?
Homer: Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card.
Lisa Simpson: Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
Homer: Kids, would you step outside for a second?
Homer: F...
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!

Lisa: I don't think anyone in this family could be capable of murder.
Grampa: You never know what people are capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane. But last year, I proved myself wrong.

Bart: Wow Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned Flanders: Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad?
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you! You barbeque-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
Lisa: That's IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore. I am out of here!
Homer: That's it! Go to your room!

Homer Simpson: STEALING! How could you? Why do you think I took you to see all those "Police Academy" movies, FOR FUN? I DIDN'T HEAR ANYONE LAUGHING, DID YOU? except at that guy who made sound effects.
Homer Simpson: Now where was I? Oh, yeah: stay away from my booze.

Homer: I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush.
Homer's Brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.
Homer: D'oh!

Homer Simpson: Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."
Homer Simpson: Y'ello, Mr. Burns Office?
Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?

Marge, could you close your eyes? I'm trying to sleep.

Homer: What? This is the highest tax increase in history!
Lisa: Actually it's the lowest tax increase in history, dad.
Homer: I pay the Homer tax. Let the bears pay the bear tax.
Lisa: That's home owners tax, dad.
Homer: Either way, I'm still outraged.

Sweet merciful crap! My car!

Oh my God, space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!

Fun's over, fellas! If you're gonna beat up my friend in my bar, there's a two-drink minimum.

Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. Use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is only a dollar away.

Lisa Simpson: Is that Dad?
Bart Simpson: Either that or Batman has really let himself go.

Marge Simpson: How could you do this to someone you love?
Homer Simpson: How could I not? I saw you pouring your heart and soul into this business and getting nowhere, I saw you desperately trying to cram one more salty treat into America's already-bloated snack hole, so I did what I could. I did what any loving husband would do: I reached out to some violent mobsters.

Shary Bobbins: Hello. I'm Sharry Bobbins.
Homer Simpson: Did you say Mary Pop...?
Shary Bobbins: No! I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming.

Lisa Simpson: Hello, 911? This is Lisa Simpson...
Nurse: Simpson? Look, we've already been down there tonight for a sisterectomy, a case of severe butt rot, and a leprechaun fight. How dumb do you think we are?

Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall!

Mr. Burns: You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage?
Lisa: Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel.
Mr. Burns: Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds.
Lisa: There's a can.

Bart: Milhouse. You were supposed to be the night watchman.
Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Bart: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go...
Moe: All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

Man in "Twin Peaks": That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks. And damn good cherry pie.
Homer Simpson: Brilliant.
Homer Simpson: I have absolutley no idea what's going on.
Marge Simpson: Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did!
Homer Simpson: Oh, it's beautiful! Oh, oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge!
Marge Simpson: Homer, stop. Will you please look at the drawing?
Homer Simpson: Oh, all right. What...
Homer Simpson: ...AAAH! Burn it! Send it to hell!
Marge Simpson: I think we're going to have to get Bart some help.
Homer Simpson: Get it away!

Marge: Homer! I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
Homer: I thought Smithers did it.
Lisa: That would've made a lot more sense.

Homer: Hey, what's lucky hooked up to?
Nurse: A respirator. It breathes for him.
Homer: And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.

Homer Simpson: Ah. I love these real Saturdays. They're so relaxing.
Homer Simpson: Not like that fake Saturday that almost got me fired!

Homer: I'm back...
Marge: Did you rent "Waiting to Exhale"?
Homer: No... they put me on the waiting list, but told me "don't hold your breath".

Homer Simpson: Wait, I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up?
Glen: What are you talking about? There's nothing like that in there!
Homer Simpson: Oh, you see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span.
Jane: But our point is very simple. You see, when...
Homer Simpson: Ooh, a bird!

Steven Wright: I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.
Homer Simpson: I don't get it.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, the zebra didn't do it, it's just a word at the end of the dictionary.
Homer Simpson: I still don't get it.
Lisa Simpson: It's just a joke.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I get it! I get jokes!

Homer Simpson: I rounded up every Simpson in the tri-city area so I can prove to you there's nothing wrong with the Simpson genes. This is your great uncle Chet. Go ahead, Chet, tell her what you do.
Great Uncle Chet: I run an unsuccessful shrimp company.
Homer Simpson: Oh... but you *run* it, right?
Great Uncle Chet: Oh, yeah.
Homer Simpson: Okay... uh, this is your second cousin, Stanley!
Cousin Stanley: Um, I shoot birds at the airport.
Homer Simpson: [More nervously] Everybody hates birds, right?
Homer Simpson: You look pretty successful!
Simpson Relative 1: Thanks! I play a millionaire at parties.
Simpson Relative 1: At least, I'd like to.
Bart Simpson: You probably should have researched this first, eh dad?
Homer Simpson: What about you?
Simpson Relative 2: Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.
Simpson Relative 3: I beg celebrities for money!
Simpson Relative 4: I'm a prison snitch.
Simpson Relative 5: Jug band manager.
Simpson Relative 6: My legs hurt.

Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you.
Homer: I like you.
Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you.
Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.

Homer: A gime?
Homer: what's a gime?
Homer: Ooooh! A *Gime*

Homer Simpson: Hey, look what was in here! A program from that guy's funeral.
Marge Simpson: You mean Frank Grimes?
Homer Simpson: Yeah! Yeah! Whatever happened to that guy?

Homer Simpson: Okay, boy. This is where all the hard work, sacrifice, and painful scaldings pay off.
Employee: Four pounds of grease... that comes to... sixty-three cents.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
Bart Simpson: Dad, all that bacon cost twenty-seven dollars.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, but your mom paid for that!
Bart Simpson: But doesn't she get her money from you?
Homer Simpson: And I get my money from grease! What's the problem?

Marge: Nelson? I explicitly forbade Bart from playing with that little monster. Oh, Bart is in deep, deep trouble. Oh, yes, and punish Lisa for lying to us.
Homer: All right, young lady. March yourself directly to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer. Get a little somethin' for yourself, sweetheart.

Lisa Simpson: You promised to take us to the lake.
Homer Simpson: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!
Lisa Simpson: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer Simpson: No, that would make me a great father.

Marge Simpson: Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. You got the highest grade in the class!
Lisa Simpson: But, Mom...
Marge Simpson: The highest grade!

Mark Hamill: Homer, use the for...
Homer: The Force?
Mark Hamill: The forks, use the forks!
Homer: Oh...

Bart: Join us tomorrow and everyday until the curfew is lifted as we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart: And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh!

Max Power: Kids: there's three ways to do things; the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way!
Bart Simpson: Isn't that the wrong way?
Max Power: Yeah, but faster!

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Homer Simpson: Don't you have school?
Bart Simpson: Don't you have work?
Homer Simpson: Ah, touche.

Alright, let's see. Ew, English side ruined. Must use French instructions. Le Grill? What the hell is that?

Marge Simpson: You liked "Rashomon".
Homer Simpson: That's not how I remember it.

Marge Simpson: Look, they're making a movie! Robert Downey, Jr. is shooting it out with the police.
Bart Simpson: I don't see any cameras.

If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

Marge: It's eerily beautiful. Are you sure it's safe?
Homer: You know what they say - sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
Marge: Where'd you get that from?
Homer: From the producers of "Waiting To Exhale".

Homer Simpson: Hey Apu. Sitting in the ice cream cooler, ay?
Apu: By chilling my loins I increase the chances of impregnating my wife.
Homer Simpson: Wah-ooh, too much informaaation. Thanks for the mental pictuuure. Why don't you tell us what you reeeally think.
Apu: Would you stop spouting those hackneyed quips?
Homer Simpson: Could you beeee any more...
Homer Simpson: Hellooooo...
Homer Simpson: ... Look, just give me some ice cream.
Homer Simpson: Um... how 'bout one not touching your ass.

Kent Brockman: Our top story is the ozone hole that devastated Brazil last summer is apparently wintering in Springfield.
Bart Simpson: Wooh! Springfield rocks!
Kent Brockman: Residents are advised to stay inside unless you use sunscreen, or are very, very hairy. Experts recommend class nine, or Robin Williams level of hair coverage.

Homer Simpson: You workin'?
Benjamin: Oh my, yes. I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty to divulge...
Benjamin: cyborgs...
Doug: I invented a program that downloads porn off the internet one million times faster.
Marge Simpson: Does anybody need that much porno?
Homer Simpson: Uuh-huuh-uuuh, one million times.

Bart Simpson: Who are those guys?
Homer Simpson: That's BTO. They were Canada's answer to ELP. Their biggest hit was TCB. That was how we talked in the seventies. We didn't have a moment to spare.

Save me Jeebus!

We inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump.

Lisa: You can't drive, dad. He's got your license.
Homer Simpson: Well, I'm gonna try anyway.
Homer Simpson: It worked! It's a miracle!

Marge: Who cut my brakes?
Homer: Oh, yeah. When I was fixing your car, I kinda spilled all your brake liquid. I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I thought you'd get mad.

Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.

Bart Simpson: Ah, finally, some books for today's busy idiots. "Network Programming for Dummies". "Christianity for Dummies". "Moby Dick"? "Call me Ishmael, dummy." How did you write all these books?
Dummies author: Duh, I don't know. Me got to go to the bank now.

Marge: How did this happen? How did the Simpsons become the bottom rung of society?
Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

Homer: Time to Trim the Mark.
Bart: Way to use the lingo, Homer.
Homer: 10-4, Kemosabe.

Increase my killing power, eh?

Sideshow Bob: Rakes, my arch enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside you, Bart.

Ahh. A hungry hungry hippo.

Homer: Cleaning my gun with the safety off, safety off, safety off, cleaning my gun with the...
Lisa: Dad, you just killed a poor, defenseless buffalo!
Homer: A poor, delicious buffalo. He'll be enough food for the whole wagon train.
Lisa: Why did you shoot that one?
Homer: Dessert.

Homer Simpson: But if I died, she'd be completely free. For man or machine.
Pierce Brosnan House: Machine, eh?
Homer Simpson: Yup, a machine.

Leonardo what-his-name, Herman Munster motorcade, birthday party Cheet-Os, pogo sticks and lemonade, idiotic stupid jerk, that's right Flanders, I am talking about you!

Marge Simpson: I guess it was a pretty funny prank. I like the ones where nothing catches on fire.
Homer Simpson: Yeah. The only thing hurt are feelings.

I'm gonna come back with the best gift a husband can get a wife- an annulment from his secret wife.

Lisa: Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13?
Marge: It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling.

Lisa: Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13?
Marge: It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling.

Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?

Homer Simpson: Here we are. Branson, Missouri.
Bronson Man: No, pally. This is Bronson, Missouri.
Lisa Simpson: Well, how do we get to Branson?
Bronson Lady: Number 10 bus.
Bronson Kid: Hey, Ma, how about some cookies?
Bronson Lady: No dice.
Bronson Kid: This ain't over.

Marge Simpson: It's awfully expensive to fly to Brazil.
Lisa Simpson: Not if we buy our tickets on the internet. It's really cheap if we change planes in Phoenix, Honolulu, Sun City, and East St. Louis, spend the night in a haunted house, and leave right now.
Homer Simpson: Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Brazil.
Bart Simpson: And I'll have been on every continent.
Lisa Simpson: Except Antarctica.
Homer Simpson: Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Antarctica.
Homer Simpson: Next year. This year, Brazil.

Manjula: Apu, you have completed the list. You may now move back with your family in your never ending disgrace.
Homer: Wait a minute. You forgot to eat a light bulb.
Apu: Thank you very much, you fat blabbermouth. Sorry, sorry. It's been a rough month.
Homer: Here you go.
Homer: Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.

Carmen Electra: Homer, my face is UP here.
Homer: I've made my choice.

In the jungle / The big, big jungle / Homer rides a freak

Lisa Simpson: Bart, you're my big brother. You should act like it more often. You know, protect me from the bad things in the world.
Bart Simpson: As far as nerdy little sisters go, you're the coolest.
Lisa Simpson: Thanks, Bart.
Bart Simpson: And I'm sorry I sabotaged your flag.
Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry I got us lost out here.
Bart Simpson: Oh! And I'm sorry I sawed the heads of your Malibu Stacy dolls. Okay, now you go.
Lisa Simpson: I don't think I've done anything else.
Bart Simpson: Okay, I'll go again. Remember when your bike was mangled by "gypsies"?
Lisa Simpson: Yes?
Bart Simpson: Yeah, funny story. One day I was really bored, and Dad had left a steamroller idling in the driveway...

Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme. Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back - hey, would you cuddle me?
Moe: Dude, that little!
Moe: I'm going to drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific. Stop.

Bart: All right, I'm in. I'll humiliate the love of your life. Because I like you, I'll even do it "pro boner".
Principal Skinner: It's "pro bono".
Bart: I know what I said.

What to do now? Too crazy to go outside; not crazy enough to have imaginary friends.

Bart: I want to be emancipated.
Homer: Emancipated! Don't you like bein' a dude?

Homer: Tip #1- "Live every day as if it was your last". Done and done.
Homer: I don't want to die. I'm so young.

Kirk Van Houten: If you see a tie on the door knob, that means I'm with a lady.
Homer: But you don't have a door knob.
Kirk Van Houten: I don't have a tie either!

Homer Simpson: Hey these freaks do a lot of cool stuff, cookouts, bowling
Lisa Simpson: Maybe you should lead Bart's tribe?
Homer Simpson: You mean like some sort of madman?
Lisa Simpson: Ideally no
Homer Simpson: I'll do it!

Lisa: The student strike will continue until you restore music and art.
Principal Skinner: What about gym?
Lisa: Eh.

Homer Simpson: Are you a Care Bear?
Care Bear: I'm an Intensive Care Bear.
Homer Simpson: Why would a bear hold a crowbar?
Care Bear: Eh, I didn't want to get my hands dirty.

Homer: I'm just trying to buy that Stairway to Heaven Jesus sang about.
Ned Flanders: That was Led Zeppelin.
Homer: Go back to your bong, hippie!

Lisa Simpson: I think it's only fair that I get to name this cat. You got to name me.
Marge Simpson: You should be glad I did. Your father wanted to call you Bartzina.

Carl Carlson: We'll never forget you, Pocahontas.
Lisa Simpson: Sacagawea!
Carl Carlson: Gesundheit.

I'm in no condition to drive... wait! I shouldn't listen to myself! I'm drunk!

Lisa Simpson: Grandpa, how do you sleep at night?
Grandpa: They drug us.

Mr. Burns: Simpson! You'll rue the day you took a pie tin, made two holes for eyes, and tied a rubber band around the back!
Homer Simpson: It's not a rubber band, it's a Scrunchie!

Mr. Burns: Simpson! You'll rue the day you took a pie tin, made two holes for eyes, and tied a rubber band around the back!
Homer Simpson: It's not a rubber band, it's a Scrunchie!

Bart Simpson: Americans are brave and loyal / So come on jerks, give us your oil...
Lisa Simpson: My card here says 'ACLU' / Now look what I'm going to do!

Bart: Am I the only one in horrible pain?
Homer: You're the only one who won't shut up about it.

Homer: Lisa, all you need is a little help from your dad.
Lisa: Well, we're supposed to do this without parental help.
Homer: Sweetie, that's orphan talk.

Homer Simpson: Marge, you can't go with me to Moe's. I mean, how would you like it if I came with you to your mother's?
Marge Simpson: I would like it. You never come to my mother's.
Homer Simpson: That's because I hate her.

Biatch? Me?

I did it! And without any brain damage-amage-amage-amage-amage...

Bender: Alright! You guys are my new best friends!
Homer Simpson: You wish, loser!

In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane

Marge: Now we have to find another school for you.
Homer: And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo-Bananas in charge.

Homer cut up my wedding dress to make a badminton net, which he never uses. He spent my last three birthdays in jail, called out his bowling ball's name during sex...

Homer Simpson: And did you know that baby Jesus grew up to be... Jesus?
Homer Simpson: Yeah. Weird, isn't it?

Stupid horse, it's a deer crossing!

Homer Simpson: What a picture. You can see the soulless emptiness in that shark's eyes.
Homer Simpson: Ooh, Two and a Half Men. You can see the soulless emptiness in Charlie Sheen's eyes.

Homer Simpson: This is India? Where's the University of Notre Dame? Wrigley Field? Dodger Dogs?
Indian woman: You stupid American. You're confusing India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois and the Cubs with the Dodgers.

Lisa Simpson: What are you drawing?
Nelson Muntz: A robot with guns for arms shooting a plane made out of guns that fires guns.

Lisa Simpson: Michael, why didn't you tell him the truth that it was an accident?
Lisa Simpson: It was an accident, wasn't it Michael?
Michael: Don't ever ask me about my business, Lisa.

Drill Sergeant: Ordinarily, I would spend the next two hours questioning your sexuality, running down your hometowns and telling you to drop and give me various numbers.
Homer Simpson: Are you gonna ask us our major malfunctions? 'Cause mine is I care too much.
Drill Sergeant: Unfortunately, the demand for troops has never been higher, so we've got to speed things up. While you've been standing here, your hair's been cut and your clothes have been replaced with army fatigues.

Well excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on.

Homer Simpson: Why haven't you thrown that bum out?
Marge Simpson: Christian charity.
Homer Simpson: Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with it?

Lisa Simpson: Papa, may we have petit four?
Bart Simpson: Papa, may we have pain au chocolat?
Homer Simpson: "May we"? "May we"? Mais oui!

All those years I was dreaming of other things, I was actually doing what I really wanted: hanging out with my family, drinking with my friends, making friends with my family and hanging with my drinking.

Homer Simpson: Do you know who you were kissing?
Grampa Simpson: Yes, I know who I was kissing. I also know why. I'm a little shaky on when and where, but I have my theories.

Does somebody have another barf cone?

Aw, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?

Jack Bauer: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart Simpson: I'm, um, Ahmed Adoudi.
Jack Bauer: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoudi. Does somebody know Ahmed Adoudi?
Chloe O'Brian: Ahmed Adoudi: wealthy Saudi financier, disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
Jack Bauer: Really?
Chloe O'Brian: No, Jack! It's a joke name! You're being set up.
Jack Bauer: Damn it!

Homer Simpson: Sempher Fudge.
Pilot: Did you just say Sempher Fudge?
Homer Simpson: No I said the right thing.

Wow you make people miseable and theres nothing they can do about it just like God,

You just can't get Russian gangster blood out. Must be something they eat.

Homer Simpson: We're gonna be rich! We can finally start a family!
Marge Simpson: We have a family.
Homer Simpson: A better one.

Something happened in this room. If only these walls could talk. Then people would pay to see my talking walls, and I could use that money to... Oh, another memory!

He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life.

Son, from the day I met you, we didn't always see eye to eye, but since then I've really grown to respect you. And unlike love, respect can't be bought.

Marge Simpson: Lisa, have I ever shown you my shattered-dreams box?
Lisa Simpson: No.
Marge Simpson: It's upstairs, in my disappointments closet.
Lisa Simpson: Oh! Oh.

Lisa Simpson: I'll just give the signal.
Lisa Simpson: "Milk is murder!"

Bart Simpson: Maggie's thing? She won't even remember it.
Marge Simpson: You never remember the nice things we do for you.
Bart Simpson: Like what?
Marge Simpson: Food.
Bart Simpson: Pass!
Marge Simpson: Shelter.
Bart Simpson: That dump?
Marge Simpson: Clothing.
Bart Simpson: I wouldn't blow my nose on this!

This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day until Irish people showed up.

This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day until Irish people showed up.

Stupid grocery list, making food into work.

Stupid grocery list, making food into work.

Sylvia: My horoscope told me I would meet the man of my dreams today.
Homer Simpson: Well, a horoscope wouldn't lie to a pretty lady.

Homer Simpson: I heard somewhere your people are hospitable.
Mina: That is true. You may come in.
Homer Simpson: Praised be Oliver!
Mina: That's Allah.
Homer Simpson: We'll look it up in the Corona.

Bart Simpson: Why do we have to go to the rec center? I wanna play with my friends.
Homer Simpson: When you're older, you'll miss going to these little activities.
Lisa Simpson: Why aren't you going to these little activities?
Homer Simpson: Uh, because no one can make me.

Homer Simpson: Insurance is the greatest deal ever. If I get hurt, I get paid. And man do I get hurt!
Homer Simpson: What a week.

Marge Simpson: I want every table to have two baskets of bread but only one plate of butter. That will stimulate conversation.
Homer Simpson: What if we...
Marge Simpson: There is no "we" in "wedding"!
Homer Simpson: But there is, Marge, the first two letters!
Marge Simpson: I can't believe you're ruining the second Thursday before the wedding!

Bart Simpson: If I had known setting the table was this easy, I would have done it years ago, instead of throwing all those tantrums.
Marge Simpson: Oh, Bart! You've finally become the kind of boy every mother dreams of: A girl!

City Inspector: "Go, Dog, Go", pages missing. Lego spaceship, poorly constructed. Clearly this is the appartment of elementary school children. Too bad. I was really looking forward to killing you and making it look like a suicide.
Homer Simpson: Oh, thank you, friendo!
City Inspector: I am not your friendo.
Homer Simpson: But I thought..

Bart Simpson: Mom says I can have ice cream for breakfast. Oh, she's still here. Mom, can I have ice cream for breakfast?
Marge Simpson: No way, mister! It's just chocolate chip pancakes and syrup for you.

Bart Simpson: Mom says I can have ice cream for breakfast. Oh, she's still here. Mom, can I have ice cream for breakfast?
Marge Simpson: No way, mister! It's just chocolate chip pancakes and syrup for you.

Can you help me out? I need change for a dollar. Oh - I also need a dollar.

Bart Simpson: Dad loves Ultimate Punching more than I do. Tell her, dad.
Homer Simpson: Ultimate Punching is immoral and dangerous. Many studies confirm what your mom just said.
Bart Simpson: Wait a minute.
Bart Simpson: Chocolate, frosting, cherry... She got to you! With a piece of Bavarian chocolate cake!
Homer Simpson: It wasn't just a piece, it was the whole cake! Frosting like snow, on the eaves of a Bavarian castle!
Bart Simpson: At least you didn't come cheap.
Homer Simpson: I couldn't help it! She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!

Oh, I hate traffic! The band *and* the phenomenon!

Oh, I hate traffic! The band and the phenomenon!

Homer Simpson: Here I have all this money, and I can't even use it to help the woman who gave birth to me.
Barney Gumble: Why don't you buy stuff for your family and leave it where they can find it?
Homer Simpson: That's brilliant! Just for that, you can help yourself to anything from this tree.
Barney Gumble: But that's not the money tree.
Homer Simpson: This is the tree where I hide my adult magazines.
Barney Gumble: Whoa!

Lisa Simpson: No, this can't be right! They're all horrible!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, the Simpson family is a long line of horse thieves, deadbeats, horse beats, dead thieves, and even a few alcoholics.
Lisa Simpson: There must have been a few good ancestors. Grandpa, don't you know any?
Abraham Simpson: Not a one! Maybe the nicest was Abigail Simpson, who you know as the Pittsburgh Poisoner.
Homer Simpson: If I were you, I wouldn't dig into the past. I lived in some of that past, and I got out for a reason.
Lisa Simpson: I won't give up! I have to know that somewhere in the muck and the mire and the Pittsburgh Poisoners, this family had a noble spark, and I will find it! Even if I have to go back to Adam and Eve.
Abraham Simpson: Oh, you mean Adam and Eve Simpson, or as you may know them, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

Principal Skinner: I'm Bart Simpson, disruptive fourth grader.
Homer Simpson: I've finally caught one of Bart's plays.
Marge Simpson: That's not Bart, that's Principal Skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you.
Homer Simpson: Oh, now that I look closer, that guy can't fool anybody.
Principal Skinner: Shut up, fatso.
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!

Bart Simpson: It was an accident! I didn't mean to kill our ants.
Homer Simpson: Patty and Selma are dead? Whoo hoo! Double funeral!
Bart Simpson: Dad, before you jump to any conclusions...
Homer Simpson: Oh, please tell me they suffered.
Homer Simpson: G-G-G-hags!

Lisa Simpson: We're going to check out the storm damage!
Homer Simpson: Be careful! If you see a downed power line, do whatever it is people are supposed to do in that situation.

Moe Szyslak: Boy, this voice-over stuff is kiling me. Whatever they pay Don Pardo for this, it ain't enough.
Don Pardo: I make more than you can possibly imagine, and I'm making it right now!
Moe Szyslak: Where are you?

Moe Szyslak: Hey, clown! We've heard your stand-up, now how about some shut-up?
Krusty the Clown: Everyone's a comedian!
Moe Szyslak: Everyone except you!

Marge Simpson: Sweetie, you could still go to McGill, the Harvard of Canada.
Lisa Simpson: Anything that's the "something" of the "something" isn't really the "anything" of "anything".

Homer Simpson: Me, the patriarch of a pigeon-racing dynasty.
Danica Patrick: Congratulations, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Danica Patrick in my thoughts?
Danica Patrick: That's right, Homer. I'm contractually obligated by my sponsors to appear in random fan's fantasies. Better not tell Marge about it.
Marge Simpson: You brickyard bimbo!
Homer Simpson: I ended that a little too soon.
Homer Simpson: What they don't suspect is that I'm into this.

Bart Simpson: I just have one question about hair: where does mine start? Head, head, head... hair? Where's the border?
Lisa Simpson: Oh, my God! Me too!
Lisa Simpson: What are we?

These flowers have saved me from a terrible fate: not getting an A on my science project.

Marge Simpson: You've destroyed our son's self-esteem.
Homer Simpson: Well, it was your idea to give him self-esteem in the first place.

Homer Simpson: Yes! I am so happy I lived to see this day. He did give her the kiss of death, right?
Marge Simpson: No!
Homer Simpson: Aww! I decorated her car for nothing.

Stop, Pooter Toot! Other people might be offended by your slightly off-color antics.

Your voice is so gravelly, just like Lauren Bacall.

Ah, Halloween. The one time of year where the squalor of our home works to our advantage.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, you were supposed to read me a bedtime story.
Homer Simpson: Oh, sorry sweetie. Bart can read it to you.
Bart Simpson: Read to Lisa? Why don't you just ask me to kiss her?
Marge Simpson: If you kissed her, that would be lovely.
Bart Simpson: I'll read! I'll read!
Homer Simpson: And kiss!
Lisa Simpson: Does anyone want my opinion?
Homer Simpson: Please, Lisa, I had eighteen martinis today.

Google, you may have enslave half the world, but you're a darn fine search engine.

Marge, if you were married to DaVinci, would you tell him not to DaVinch?

Bart Simpson: Why would a dude do everything a dame wants on Valentines Day?
Homer Simpson: It's a trade-off. We do whatever women want on Valentines Day, and they let us blow stuff up on the Fourth of July. I just hope the two don't fall on the same day.

Lisa Simpson: Hey, merry pranksters. Dinner's ready.
Bart Simpson: Dammit, she knows! All right, what will it take to buy your silence?
Lisa Simpson: Just throw in a couple of "Fur is murder"s.
Bart Simpson: How is fur murder? They're just animals.
Lisa Simpson: Dad!
Bart Simpson: Okay, okay, fur is murder! Everything's murder.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Dad, can we play?
Robot T21: We cannot take the inferior one.
Milhouse: My heart makes up for my shortcomings, like Rudy.
Robot T21: Rudy was only put in at the end of a meaningless game.
Robot A18: We will notify you if this game becomes meaningless.

Thanks to you, we're having fun. Before-we-had-kids fun!

Thanks to you, we're having fun. Before-we-had-kids fun!

Ooh, roomy. Our Lord really knew how to keep 'em cool.

Bart Simpson: Come on, dad. You love New York, now that your two least favorite buildings have been obliterated; Old Penn Station and Shea Stadium.
Homer Simpson: Lousy outdated relics.

Dan Gillick: Oh, I can't kill you
Homer Simpson: I knew you were weak
Dan Gillick: If you think I'm so weak, give me back the gun.
Homer Simpson: You are weak, but no
Dan Gillick: Let's see how weak I am with the gun.
Homer Simpson: No, I don't want to...
Dan Gillick: Give me the gun.
Homer Simpson: I don't want to see it.
Dan Gillick: You're making me mad and I want to shoot you now.
Homer Simpson: I don't have to see it. Huh? I can imagine it.
Dan Gillick: Give it to me. Give me the gun.
Homer Simpson: No. Come on weakling, get it from me.
Dan Gillick: I'm not... ya... I'm not weak with the gun
Homer Simpson: Yeah... well yeah. Well see who's got it now
Dan Gillick: When I have a gun...
Homer Simpson: Yeah well you ain't so...
Dan Gillick: ...I'm not weak at all...

Well, guess what, cool people! Parents are supposed to be lame. That's so their kids have something to rebel against and be cool long enough to get married and have kids for whom they are lame. It's nature's way.

Bart Simpson: Hey, dad. What would you do if you got my ear in the mail?
Homer Simpson: I dunno. Feed it to the dog?
Bart Simpson: You'll have to wrap it in cheese first.
Homer Simpson: Don't tell me how to feed you to the dog!

Lisa Simpson: Your line of educational videos have turned my brother's brain into mush.
Bart Simpson: Pretty shapes tell me to kill everyone.

Homer Simpson: Unions are the worst. There's this one guy at the plant. Has caused three meltdowns, and he's still working there.
Marge Simpson: Homer, that's you.
Homer Simpson: Oh. I say union, you say power. Union!
Marge Simpson: Power.
Homer Simpson: Union!
Marge Simpson: Power.
Homer Simpson: Marge, you're really digging it on the "power," but don't worry. Because of the union, you're safe.

Homer Simpson: Unions are the worst. There's this one guy at the plant. Has caused three meltdowns, and he's still working there.
Marge Simpson: Homer, that's you.
Homer Simpson: Oh. I say union, you say power. Union!
Marge Simpson: Power.
Homer Simpson: Union!
Marge Simpson: Power.
Homer Simpson: Marge, you're really digging it on the "power," but don't worry. Because of the union, you're safe.

Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, did you see Marlon Brando in Mutiny in the Bounty?
Lisa Simpson: No, nobody did.
Milhouse Van Houten: Then this is all me!

Homer Simpson: It says here that Iceland is green and Greenland is icy. The Vikings switched the names to screw with people.
Moe Szyslak: Stupid Vikings! It's still pretty damn cold!
Lenny Leonard: All I brought was shorts.

I love Bart as much as you do, Marge, except I don't.

Carl Carlson: I always thought your name was spelled Simsun.
Homer Simpson: You don't know how to spell my name? Don't you ever look up at the sky?
Carl Carlson: I was wondering what that was.

Homer Simpson: They have this cool psych class at the campus I sat in on.
Marge Simpson: That was a sexual harassment seminar.
Homer Simpson: It doesn't matter, I'm taking it pass/fail.

Homer Simpson: They have this cool psych class at the campus I sat in on.
Marge Simpson: That was a sexual harassment seminar.
Homer Simpson: It doesn't matter, I'm taking it pass/fail.

Lisa Simpson: I can't believe I'm really going! My first trip to providence.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, yeah. Just remember, if your mother asks, I took you to a wine tasting.
Lisa Simpson: That's a terrible thing for a father to do.
Homer Simpson: That's why she'll believe it.

Homer Simpson: Fat Tony?
Fat Tony: That's right, Fat Homer.

Homer Simpson: Fat Tony?
Fat Tony: That's right, Fat Homer.

Marge Simpson: Lisa's okay with not having friends? That's the saddest thing a daughter could say to her mother.
Bart Simpson: I can think of something sadder. The saddest thing would be if Mom and Lisa were texting while driving and Mom hit Lisa, and Lisa's last text was "I got the message." Good night.

Honey, you can't insulate me from life. I could live for a hundred years or get hit by a bus tomorrow. That's why I never plan more than four seconds ahead.

Marge Simpson: Professor, could you say, "Welcome to Mother Hubbard's Sandwich Cupboard" without making any other noises?
Prof. Frink: Of course I can, my dear child. Welcome to Mother Hubbard's, uh Sandwich, mcboing boing glavin flyvy hyvy goyvyn, and now I'm running to the unemployment office. Blervyk.

Honey, you know I don't like it when you cry at dinner. The pork chops look traumatized, the mashed potatoes can't stand to see you cry, and the kids seem upset.

Don Bookner: Last time I'm covering your ass, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Oww, it's such a big ass!

Bart Simpson: We make a great brother-sister team, like Andy and Lana Wachowski.
Lisa Simpson: Should we hug?
Bart Simpson: Let's fist bump through a towel.
Lisa Simpson: Works for me.

Homer Simpson: She's gone!
Moe Szyslak: And she trashed my bar! No, wait, she actually cleaned up a little bit. Good for her.

Night gathers and now my Duff-Watch begins. It shall not end until my death, or my 12 week option is not picked up. I shall take no wife, hold no lands and father no children, except for the wife and house and kids I'm already stuck with. I shall wear no other beers' crowns'. I am the six-pack hidden in daddy's secret cabinet, I put the fest in Oktoberfest, and sell for eight bucks at ball parks. Though I have nothing to offer but my suds, head and beers, and promotional cosies, for this night and all nights to come.

Homer Simpson: Marge! I'm back. Sorry - nothing. But if we had a third kid, we should call her "Maggie".
Marge Simpson: Why "Maggie"?
Homer Simpson: It's a good name if we lose her: Maggie! Maggie? Going back out.
Homer Simpson: Maggie?

Candace: I'm pretty fascinating myself. I'm an author.
Homer Simpson: I thought you were a pharmacist.
Candace: Tennessee Williams worked in a shoe factory.
Homer Simpson: You were pretty quick with that fact.

Homer Simpson: He, he! You're fat!
Patty Bouvier: You're even fatter.
Homer Simpson: Damn straight! No one outfats me!

Carol Berrera: I have been looking at your file, and I'm worried that you're falling behind the other students.
Bart Simpson: I'm troubled, Ma'am. I need a firm but pretty hand.
Carol Berrera: Would you like to have Martin Prince tutor you?
Bart Simpson: No! Last time he went to my house, he talked about bird watching all day. Even my mom got sick of it, and she loves boredom.

Homer Simpson: Just go to yoga classes. That's where all the women are.
Professor Frink: How do you know about yoga classes?
Homer Simpson: I thought it was yogurt class.

Homer Simpson: Hey, Flanders. Why don't you take a tip from your precious Bible and zip it?
Ned Flanders: Where in the Bible does it say zip it?
Homer Simpson: It's the first thing the Burning Bush said to Moses.
Homeless Man: Thank you for teaching us Scripture.

I can't stand that pretty boy quarterback. He thinks he's so handsome, just because he's drop-dead gorgeous.

I was up for that job, and they gave it to someone who can't even speak English. It's humidifying.

Marge Simpson: Cuba sounds a little dangerous. Why don't we try Canada?
Grandpa Simpson: I don't want to go there, now that the commie Trudeau is in charge. We're going to Cuba.

Here at Springfield Elementary detention has many names: Krackertraz, The Skinner Sheraton, Spit Ball Alley, The Bully Pen, 311 Worth, Little Devil's Island, and Dead Man Chalking.

You don't name a company Microsoft if you're getting some.

Marge Simpson: What's that whistling?
Homer Simpson: You know what they say in a marriage, don't ask a question you don't know the answer to.
Lisa Simpson: Maggie, you can whistle?
Maggie Simpson:
Lisa Simpson: You're gifted too, maybe more gifted! No, no, I will not get caught in that trap that only one of us is good. We could both be good, like the South Park guys. Except Trey does everything. Trey does everything!

I haven't been this confident since I saw "La La Land" win Best Picture and turned off my TV.

I haven't been this confident since I saw "La La Land" win Best Picture and turned off my TV.

Lisa Simpson: Something that started decades ago and was applauded and inoffensive is now politically incorrect... What can you do?
Marge Simpson: Some things will be handled at a later date.
Lisa Simpson: If at all.

Homer Simpson: Um, Ned, I have a confession to make.
Ned Flanders: Now don't go turning Catholic on me.
Homer Simpson: I can't. I don't fit in those booths.

Homer Simpson: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. I know you were great in Fast & Furious but what else have you been in?
Gal Gadot: Uh, did you see Wonder Woman?
Homer Simpson: Whenever I see the DC logo, I immediately fall asleep.

Let me share the Buddhist path to heaven with an enlightened tale I call 'The Princess Not Affiliated with Disney'... unless we are now owned by Disney.

Yeah, my dad left when I was most vulnerable: the day after mom left.

Grampa Simpson: Kids! Where do we keep the castor oil?
Lisa Simpson: In the 1940s.

We're heading to the one place that can never decline, because it was never that great. Upstate New York!

They say Muhammad Ali was the greatest of all time, but he never fought Cassius Clay.

Dear Lord, please bring back plastic straws. The paper ones get soggy SO fast!

Homer Simpson: Whoa, this trip's gonna cost how much?
Marge Simpson: I know it's expensive, but we spend our whole lives worrying about money.
Homer Simpson: That's because we don't have that much! We have a mortgage, a reverse mortgage - I think the house is owned by the car!

What is this? Did I get drunk and buy useless stuff on eBay again?

But pot is for Cheeches and Chongs.

I forgot how handsome you are when you make the slightest effort.

Lisa Simpson: I'm sure you were once an inquisitive little girl like me.
Elaine Wolff: Not like you -- I knew when to keep quiet.