George Costanza Quotes

That gotta hurts!

You tell that son of a bitch, no Yankee is ever coming to Houston as long as you bastards are running things.

George is getting frustrated!

George Costanza: I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!
Jerry Seinfeld: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.

Let me tell you something. A man without hand is not a man. I've got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves.

He was only attracted to lactating women, but he's fine now. Of course, he eats a lot of cheese.

George Costanza: I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on
Jerry Seinfeld: Ah, too bad you got a little George Costanza thing going on.

George Costanza: Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.
Clarence: Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.
George Costanza: I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships.
George Costanza: The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence?
George Costanza: .
Clarence: We had to abandon ship.
George Costanza: Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
Clarence: The boat sank!
George Costanza: According to this, it took 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence.
George Costanza: So, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty?

Who's gonna bomb you? An airline, for all the stupid little peanut jokes?

George Costanza: Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry: Elaine danced?
George Costanza: More like a full body dry heave set to music.

Yes I'd like to speak to Marisa Tomei, please? Marisa, hi, it's George Costanza. I'm the short, funny, quirky bald man you met a little while ago... Yeah, I was just calling 'cause I wanted you to know that I'm not engaged anymore... Well, uh, she died... Toxic glue. From the wedding invitations... Well, we were expecting about two hundred people. Yeah... Anyway... I got the funeral tomorrow but, uh... my weekend is pretty wide open and I was wondering... Hello? Hello?

George Costanza: Well, this is bad. I am really in a bad situation now.
Jerry: So what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzone?
George Costanza: What's he gonna do? That's exactly the point! Nobody knows what this guy is capable of. He fires people like it's a bodily function!

Marisa Tomei: Have I told you how much I love you today?
George Costanza: Not in the last fifteen minutes.
Marisa Tomei: Well, I do love you very much.
George Costanza: And I love you, Marisa.
Marisa Tomei: Well then, c'mon, get dressed. We're going to be late for the premiere.

Frank Costanza: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?
George Costanza: Why don't we talk about it another time.
Frank Costanza: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!
Mrs. Ross: Something's missing all right.
Mr. Ross: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
Frank Costanza: That's perverse.

George Costanza: This
George Costanza: isn't mine, the Institute gave it to me! The Institute!

George Costanza: You have no idea of the magnitude of this thing! If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, ceases to exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with - Movie George, Coffee Shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
Jerry Seinfeld: I love that George.
George Costanza: Me too! And he's dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, cannot stand!

George Costanza: You have no idea of the *magnitude* of this thing! If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, ceases to exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with - Movie George, Coffee Shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
Jerry Seinfeld: I love that George.
George Costanza: Me too! And he's dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, *cannot* stand!

Jerry: Let me take a guess: she cried, and you caved.
George Costanza: How did you know that?
Jerry: I live and breathe, my friend. I live and breathe.

George Costanza: Hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, V, in relation to the trajectory, T, in which G, gravity, of course, remains a constant.
George Costanza: It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
George Costanza: George Costanza. Assistant to the Traveling Secretary.
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George Costanza: Do you want to talk about hotels or do you want to win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: Hey, we won the World Series.
George Costanza: In six games.

Well of course they're trying to screw you! What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything; nobody knows! "Why, well you need a new johnson rod in here." Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well better put one of those on!

Jerry: So he just shaves his head for no reason?
George Costanza: That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!

Jerkstore is the line. Jerkstore!

Leader: That's not the sign.
George Costanza: It was when I was bangin'!

Jerry Seinfeld: She wants to talk?
George Costanza: She doesn't want to. She needs to talk.
Jerry Seinfeld: Nobody needs to talk.
George Costanza: Who would want to?

George Costanza: To think I'd fail at failing.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh come on.
George Costanza: I can't do anything wrong.
Jerry Seinfeld: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George Costanza: You think so?
Jerry Seinfeld: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George Costanza: Well, I guess I'll have to pick myself up, dust myself up, and throw myself right back down again!
Jerry Seinfeld: That's the spirit! You suck.
George Costanza: I know.

George Costanza: I can't believe the Yankees really fired me.
Jerry Seinfeld: You had a good run. Took 'em to the World Series.
George Costanza: I gotta give the players most of the credit for that.
Jerry Seinfeld: Don't sell yourself short. You made all those flight arrangements, hotels, buses.
George Costanza: No, I don't know who was doing that.
Jerry Seinfeld: So when you actually did work, what is it that you did?
George Costanza: I tell you, they had a pastry cart you wouldn't believe.

George Costanza: You know, after all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together
Elaine Benes: Well that's because you're an idiot!

George Costanza: I don't get these birds; they're breakin' the deal! It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me.
Jerry Seinfeld: So they're like everyone else.

Jerry Seinfeld: All right, I admit it. I slept with Nina - but that's all!
George Costanza: "That's all"? That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for, anyway.

George Costanza: Who is this? Blue Arrow?
Elaine Benes: No, Green Lantern.
Jerry Seinfeld: We found out his super power is lack of money.
Elaine Benes: Very funny.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine Benes: Ha ha.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
Elaine Benes: All right, that's enough.
George Costanza: Hey, Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is "Lois Loan".
Elaine Benes: Well crafted.

Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.
George Costanza: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
Elaine: So you think that Puddy actually believes in something?
Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
Jerry: Plus, he probably doesn't know how to program the buttons.
Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
Elaine: Dumb and lazy, I understand.

Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me.

That gotta hurts!

Jerry Seinfeld: See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George Costanza: Really?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry Seinfeld: You think?
George Costanza: I think we have.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, maybe we have.

I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking "That's why I'm not heterosexual".

Kramer: Yo-Yo Ma!
Jerry Seinfeld: What? Yo-Yo Ma?
Kramer: What about him?
Jerry Seinfeld: You just said, 'Yo-Yo Ma'.
George Costanza: What's 'Yo-Yo Ma'?
Jerry Seinfeld: He's a cellist.
Jerry Seinfeld: You should see a doctor today.

Jerry Seinfeld: Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middle man. You were gonna give her her spare keys, and she was gonna give 'em to me. So, all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her, you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours, you didn't give her hers. 'Cause then she would have given 'em to me, because she has mine. So then I would have never had to ask you for hers, so that I could get mine.
George Costanza: You're right, how did I miss that?

Jerry Seinfeld: What did you do to my car?
George Costanza: I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated.
Elaine Benes: Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.

Elaine Benes: I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now.
George Costanza: You're supposed to do that?
Elaine Benes: Yeah. What makes you think anyone would want to go to a circumcision?
George Costanza: I'd rather go to a hanging.

Ahhh, ASTROTURF! You know who's responsible for that, don't ya? The JEWS!

Ahhh, ASTROTURF! You know who's responsible for that, don't ya? The JEWS!

George Costanza: Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?
Jerry: No, what happened to you?
George Costanza: All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
George Costanza: Right.
Jerry: What is that?
George Costanza: You're in latex.
Jerry: What do I do with latex?
George Costanza: I don't know, you manufacture it.
Elaine: Right here in this little apartment?
Jerry: And what do I say about you?
George Costanza: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Jerry: I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman?
Jerry: I don't think so. Why would I do that?
George Costanza: Because I asked you to.
Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

Kramer: C'mon Elaine. Take half a bag.
Elaine Benes: Half a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway, they look kind of cheap.
George Costanza: I'll take one.
George Costanza: It's possible!

Jerry Seinfeld: He's a bubble-boy!
George Costanza: A bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, a bubble-boy.
Susan Biddle Ross: What's a bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: He lives in a bubble.
George Costanza: Boy!

George Costanza: I don't like when a woman says "make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really?
George Costanza: That's a lot of pressure - "make love to me." What, am I in the circus?

Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex - I was like an animal. I mean, it was just completely uninhibited.
George Costanza: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
Jerry: It's not like that at all.

Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex - I was like an animal. I mean, it was just completely uninhibited.
George Costanza: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
Jerry: It's not like that at all.

You should've seen the look on her face. It was the same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.

I don't even like to use urinals. I've always been a stall man.

You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way!

George Costanza: I saw Sienna again.
Elaine Benes: Sienna?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, he's dating a crayon.

Timmy: What are you doing?
George Costanza: Excuse me?
Timmy: Did you just double-dip that chip?
George Costanza: What?
Timmy: You double-dipped the chip!
George Costanza: So?
Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth in the dip! Look, when you take a chip, just take one dip and END IT!

Two cups in the front, two loops in the back... how do they do it?

Clarisse: Mr. Costanza. Mr Pensky's here to see you.
George Costanza: Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file?

George Costanza: Jerry... This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.
Jerry Seinfeld: What?
George Costanza: She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable.
Jerry Seinfeld: I can see that.

George Costanza: By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza.
Jerry Seinfeld: And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
George Costanza: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

Oh my God, that's Saddam Hussein the dictator!

George: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you, he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
Kramer: ... What is that, a Titleist?
Kramer: A hole in one, huh?
Jerry: Well, the crowd most have gone wild!
George: Oh, yes they did, Jerry - they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist!
Jerry: Wow! What'd she say?
George: She told me to go to hell, and I took the bus home.

George Costanza: Is that the time? I gotta get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.
Kramer: Hey, is that Elaine mannequin still there?
George Costanza: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah?
George Costanza: The last time I saw her... she was naked.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, And Poppie's got problems.

George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George Costanza: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!

Hi, this is George. I've got nothing to say.

Jerry Seinfeld: Oh no, it's Kenny Bania.
George Costanza: Who's he?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, he's this awful comedian.

George Costanza: I am telling you, Jerry, having a secretary is incredible! I don't know why I didn't have one before.
Jerry Seinfeld: Because you didn't have a job?
George Costanza: Perhaps.

Jerry: So what happened with Kramer's mother?
George Costanza: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
Jerry: What's she like?
George Costanza: Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I was there I, uh, happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine: Ah, I'm ready what?
Jerry: What is it?
George Costanza: I, uh, got the first name.
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?
Jerry: I've been trying to get it out of him for ten years! What is it?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: Cosmo?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: Cosmo?
Cosmo Kramer: What's so funny?... wha?

Cosmo Kramer: Hey.
George Costanza: You fixed me up with a bald woman!
Cosmo Kramer: Bald?
George Costanza: Yeah, that's right.
Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.
George Costanza: So?
Elaine: You're bald!
George Costanza: No, I'm not!
George Costanza: I... *was* bald.

You ask me here to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me, I want details and I want them right now! I don't have a job! I have no place to go! You're not in the mood? Well, you get in the mood!