Seinfeld Quotes

Cosmo Kramer: What, you don't think I can, huh?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no, it's not that I don't think you can. I know that you can't and I'm positive that you won't.

Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?

Let me tell you something. A man without hand is not a man. I've got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves.

Are we not human? If we pick, do we not bleed? I am not an animal!

How about six? Six is good. You got a problem with six?

You tell that son of a bitch, no Yankee is ever coming to Houston as long as you bastards are running things.

George is getting frustrated!

"Seven"? Yeah, I guess I can see it: seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches per beating and eventually seven years to life.

He was only attracted to lactating women, but he's fine now. Of course, he eats a lot of cheese.

George Costanza: I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!
Jerry Seinfeld: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.

This has international incident written all over it.

It's not a purse! It's European!

That gotta hurts!

See you, Haversham.

I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I, I, I admit it, I'm not getting the signals, I am not getting it. Women - they're so subtle, their little - everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women! That's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know about that, we don't know. The next stop after that we have no idea - this is why you see men honking car horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far!

Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.

Kramer: How could you not have insurance?
Jerry: Because, I spent all my money on the Clapco D29. It's the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw: the door
Jerry: MUST BE CLOSED!

Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping-Pong?

Went out to dinner the other night. Check came at the end of the meal, as it always does. Never liked the "check at the end of the meal" system, because money's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat, money has no value. You don't care about money when you're hungry. You sit down in a restaurant and you're like the ruler of an empire... "More drinks! Appetizers! Quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of our lives." Then after the meal, you know, you got the pants open, you got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes. Then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset, you know. They're mystified by the check. They're... "What is this? How could this be?" They start passing it around the table. "Does this look right to you? We're not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?"

Went out to dinner the other night. Check came at the end of the meal, as it always does. Never liked the "check at the end of the meal" system, because money's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat, money has no value. You don't care about money when you're hungry. You sit down in a restaurant and you're like the ruler of an empire... "More drinks! Appetizers! Quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of our lives." Then after the meal, you know, you got the pants open, you got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes. Then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset, you know. They're mystified by the check. They're... "What is this? How could this be?" They start passing it around the table. "Does this look right to you? We're not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?"

Marlene: I'm sorry Jerry, I just can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier!

George Costanza: Master of the house, keeper of the inn...
George Costanza: This is huge! When did this happen?
Jerry Seinfeld: Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet an social challenge.
George Costanza: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
Jerry Seinfeld: Absolutely.
George Costanza: It's fabulous.

Donna: Is there anything else I should know about you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, I'm lactose intolerant. I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it.

Cosmo Kramer: I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.
Jerry: Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but - - you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel anxious, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, 'cause I'm a pod.

Jerry Seinfeld: Ink a dink, a bottle of ink, the cork fell out and you stink...
Jerry Seinfeld: Not because you're dirty, not because you're clean, just because you kissed a girl behind a magazine...
Kramer: No, no...
Jerry Seinfeld: And...
Kramer: What? Wha- wait a minute! No, no...
Jerry Seinfeld: You... are... it!

Jerry Seinfeld: What is the point of all this?
George Costanza: Revenge.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, the best revenge is living well.
George Costanza: There's no chance of that.

Jerry: All this over a Chuckle.
Cosmo Kramer: What's a Chuckle?
Jerry: It's a jelly candy, comes in five flavors.

Jerry: Because this...
Jerry: is very good.
Elaine: And that would be good.
Jerry: That would be good too.
Jerry: See the idea's to combine this and that. But this cannot be disturbed.
Elaine: Yeah, we just want to take this and... add that.

You ask me here to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me, I want details and I want them right now! I don't have a job! I have no place to go! You're not in the mood? Well, you get in the mood!

Men flip around the television more than women, I think. Men get that remote control in their hands... they don't even know what the hell they're not watching. You know, they just keep going. "Don't even know what I'm watching." "What are you watching? -- I don't care. I gotta keep going." "Who was that? Isn't that your father?" "I don't know what it was. I gotta keep going!" Women don't do that. See, now, women will stop and go, "Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel." You see, but men just fly. Because women, you see, women nest, and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently.

You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way!

Sometimes you go to a restaurant, they put the check in a little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people." What is this? Little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? What is this about?

I don't even like to use urinals. I've always been a stall man.

I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.

Helen Seinfeld: You're going underwater?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done.
Helen Seinfeld: What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special?
Jerry Seinfeld: What's so special up here?

On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?

Jerry: Any way, I hope there's no hard feelings.
Lt. Bookman: Hard feelings, what do you know about hard feelings? Ever have a man die in your arms? Ever kill somebody?
Jerry: What is your problem?
Lt. Bookman: What's my problem, punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a Pit Bull on a Poodle.
Jerry: That is one tough monkey.

It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. How does my bladder know that I'm in a department store?

You should've seen the look on her face. It was the same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex - I was like an animal. I mean, it was just completely uninhibited.
George Costanza: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
Jerry: It's not like that at all.

Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex - I was like an animal. I mean, it was just completely uninhibited.
George Costanza: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
Jerry: It's not like that at all.

George Costanza: I don't like when a woman says "make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really?
George Costanza: That's a lot of pressure - "make love to me." What, am I in the circus?

Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Rental Car Agent: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Rental Car Agent: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.

Elaine Benes: When do consider sex has taken place?
Jerry Seinfeld: I would say when the nipple makes its first appearance.

I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking "That's why I'm not heterosexual".

Gina: Kiss me right in front of him.
Jerry: I can't. What if he wakes up.
Gina: A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him. What kind of a man are you?
Jerry: I'm a man who respects a good coma.

Kramer: C'mon Elaine. Take half a bag.
Elaine Benes: Half a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway, they look kind of cheap.
George Costanza: I'll take one.
George Costanza: It's possible!

George Costanza: Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?
Jerry: No, what happened to you?
George Costanza: All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
George Costanza: Right.
Jerry: What is that?
George Costanza: You're in latex.
Jerry: What do I do with latex?
George Costanza: I don't know, you manufacture it.
Elaine: Right here in this little apartment?
Jerry: And what do I say about you?
George Costanza: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Jerry: I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman?
Jerry: I don't think so. Why would I do that?
George Costanza: Because I asked you to.
Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

Ahhh, ASTROTURF! You know who's responsible for that, don't ya? The JEWS!

Ahhh, ASTROTURF! You know who's responsible for that, don't ya? The JEWS!

A man is paralyzed mentally by a beautiful woman, and advertisers really take advantage of this. Don't you love those ads where you see, like, the woman in the bikini next to the 32-piece ratchet set? You know, we'll be looking at the girl in the bikini, looking at the ratchet set, going, "All right, Well, if she's right next to the ratchet set, and I had that ratchet set, I wonder if that would mean that... I'd better just buy that ratchet set."

Elaine Benes: I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now.
George Costanza: You're supposed to do that?
Elaine Benes: Yeah. What makes you think anyone would want to go to a circumcision?
George Costanza: I'd rather go to a hanging.

Jerry Seinfeld: What did you do to my car?
George Costanza: I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated.
Elaine Benes: Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.

Jerry Seinfeld: Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middle man. You were gonna give her her spare keys, and she was gonna give 'em to me. So, all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her, you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours, you didn't give her hers. 'Cause then she would have given 'em to me, because she has mine. So then I would have never had to ask you for hers, so that I could get mine.
George Costanza: You're right, how did I miss that?

Jerry: We're going on a two day trip! What are you, Diana Ross?

There are many different job in the police. It seems to me, that the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. You know it's not dangerous, the criminals are long gone, that seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess they're people who wanted to be a sketch artists, but they couldn't draw too well..."listen Johnson, forget the sketches. Do you think if we left a dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?". I don't even know how it helps to solve the crime? You know, they look at the thing on the ground..."aah his arm was like that when he hit the pavement. That means the killer must've been Jim."

Jerry Seinfeld: Does that thing work?
Cosmo Kramer: Nah.

Kramer: Yo-Yo Ma!
Jerry Seinfeld: What? Yo-Yo Ma?
Kramer: What about him?
Jerry Seinfeld: You just said, 'Yo-Yo Ma'.
George Costanza: What's 'Yo-Yo Ma'?
Jerry Seinfeld: He's a cellist.
Jerry Seinfeld: You should see a doctor today.

Don't you hate to-be-continueds on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming, you know? You're watching the show. You're into the story. Then there's, like, 5 minutes left, and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it! Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in 5 minutes." I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that. See, I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm. Can you come back next week?"

The main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of time, and every picture's out of date. You know what I mean? It's, "Here's my cousin, 3 years old. She's in the Marines now. This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration." You get stopped by a cop. No license, no registration. "Here's 56 people that know me." Cop goes, "All right, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it along. Routine pal check."

Jerry Seinfeld: He's a bubble-boy!
George Costanza: A bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, a bubble-boy.
Susan Biddle Ross: What's a bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: He lives in a bubble.
George Costanza: Boy!

There's this whole talking-during-sex business. I mean, what are we doing here? The question is, does the talking really improve the sex, or is the sex act now just there to spice up the conversation? Of course, eventually, I'm sure people will get tired of, too lazy, even, for phone sex. They'll start having phone machine sex. "Yeah, I want you really bad. Just leave it on the tape." Then I guess the phone company will come out with sex waiting. That'll be the new thing. "Uh, yeah, hold on, honey. I got another call. Oh, hiya, baby. One second. Uh, honey, I've got to take this. Yeah, I've got sex waiting on the other line. I've got to take this."

I think the idea behind the tuxedo is kind of the woman's point of view that men are all the same. We might as well dress them that way. That's why, to me, a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and... some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding-safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That's why the wedding vow isn't "Do you take Bill Simpson?" It's "Do you take... this man?"

I think the idea behind the tuxedo is kind of the woman's point of view that men are all the same. We might as well dress them that way. That's why, to me, a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and... some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding-safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That's why the wedding vow isn't "Do you take Bill Simpson?" It's "Do you take... this man?"

In ancient tribal cultures, they would actually sacrifice a virgin. They thought that would do something. They would find some girl that had never been out with anybody, and they would throw her into a volcano. I mean, there's a first date you'll never forget. Winds up in heaven talking with Chuck Woolery. "So tell me, Lisa, how did the date end? -- Not well, Chuck. Not well. -- Well, if you'd like to be thrown into a volcano again, we'll pay for it."

Jerry Seinfeld: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man, we have to do it, it's part of our lifestyle. It's like shaving.
Elaine Benes: Oh, that is such baloney! I shave my legs.
Cosmo Kramer: Not everyday.

But I have to admit that I like flying. I like those, uh... Those little bathrooms that they have on the plane. It's kind of like a small apartment of your own on the plane. You go in, close the door, the light comes right on. It's like a little surprise party every time you go in there. But the worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. You know, that's why they call it "standby". You end up standing there, going, "Bye." That didn't, uh... Yeah. So I was on this plane where the flight attendant... It was her first day on the job, so they didn't have a uniform for her yet, and that really makes a big difference. I mean, here's just some regular person coming over to you, going, "Would you mind bringing your seat back all the way up?" Who the hell are you? She says, "Well, I'm the flight attendant." Oh, yeah, well, then I'm the pilot, all right? So why don't you sit down? I'm about to bring her in.

But I always get confused in the movie theater by the plot. It's embarrassing. This is embarrassing thing to have to admit, but I'm the one that you see in the parking lot, after the movie, talking with his friends, going, "Oh, you mean that was the same guy from the beginning? Oh..." Nobody will explain it to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out... "Why did they kill that guy? Why did they kill him? Who was that guy? What was that guy? I thought he was with them. Wasn't he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't really with them. I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed him."

Jerry: What happened?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and I was pitching, and I was really, you know, throwing some smoke! And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man, that guy you know, he was crowding the plate.
Jerry: Wow, Joe Pepitone.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw one inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back on the same place, so... I had to plunk him.
Jerry: You plunked him?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh yeah! Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know. A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp and the old Yankee players. And as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down and, whoa man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it then you look away.

Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Jerry: What's all this stuff?
Sid Fields: Trash. Garbage.
Jerry: You're throwing this out?
Sid Fields: I believe that's what you do with garbage, ya idiot.

Timmy: What are you doing?
George Costanza: Excuse me?
Timmy: Did you just double-dip that chip?
George Costanza: What?
Timmy: You double-dipped the chip!
George Costanza: So?
Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth in the dip! Look, when you take a chip, just take one dip and END IT!

Cosmo Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.
Jerry: That's true.
Cosmo Kramer: It's very refreshing.

Whenever you ask for the doggy bag in a restaurant, there's a certain sense of failure there, isn't it? People always whisper it to the waiter, "Uh, excuse me, uh... I'm sorry, you're gonna have to give me the doggy bag. I... I couldn't make it." And it is embarrassing, because a doggy bag means either you were out at a restaurant when you're not hungry, or you've chosen the stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the doggy bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Let me tell you something. If you're a guy, and you ask for the doggy bag on a date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals too. You're not gonna be needing those for a while, either.

What if we created some sort of a diversion? What if we went over by the car and we just started screaming "Hey, there he is! There's the guy who took the handicap spot." And then when they all run in the other direction, we'll jump in the car.

Now, I know women often complain about the number of things you have to do to get male attention: the high heels, the pantyhose, the makeup. But let me tell you, it's even worse if you're a man. Because if you're a man, you don't know what to do. That's why we're building bridges, climbing mountains, exploring uncharted territories. You think we want to do these things? Nobody wants to build a bridge. It's really, really hard. Designing rockets, flying off into space... I guarantee you, every astronaut, when he comes back from space, goes up to a girl and goes, "So did you see me up there?"

Jerry Seinfeld: You faked with me?
Elaine Benes: Yeah.
Jerry Seinfeld: No.
Elaine Benes: Yeah.
Jerry Seinfeld: You faked it?
Elaine Benes: I faked it.
Jerry Seinfeld: The whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
Elaine Benes: Not bad, huh?
Jerry Seinfeld: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
Elaine Benes: Fake, fake, fake, fake.

Cosmo Kramer: This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, this is gonna be the new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate!
Jerry Seinfeld: But I don't want to be a pirate!

I don't know what to you Elton.

Two cups in the front, two loops in the back... how do they do it?

Jerry Seinfeld: I don't see any pig-men I see human, human, human... Wait a second.
Cosmo Kramer: What?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, it's George.

Maryedith: Well I hope you're happy.
Jerry Seinfeld: What?
Maryedith: Now every word out of my son's mouth is f
Maryedith: . You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my F
Maryedith: ing cupcake?

Clarisse: Mr. Costanza. Mr Pensky's here to see you.
George Costanza: Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file?

George Costanza: Jerry... This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.
Jerry Seinfeld: What?
George Costanza: She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable.
Jerry Seinfeld: I can see that.

I was always excited as a kid when that new TV Guide would come. Somehow when that front cover's nice and flat, it seems like there's good, fresh TV shows in there. Then as the week goes by, you start to hate the TV. All the shows stink. Everything's gettin' all crumpled and ripped from being sat on, thrown across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed to another person. It's the world's most thrown reading material. "Where's the TV Guide? There it is." You know, in the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone number, 95 cents a minute, they'll give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle. My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you comin' across 95 cents?

George Costanza: By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza.
Jerry Seinfeld: And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
George Costanza: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain. It's her! I'm telling you it's her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry Seinfeld: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry Seinfeld: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Alright that's enough.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeaaaaah!

Oh my God, that's Saddam Hussein the dictator!

George: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you, he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
Kramer: ... What is that, a Titleist?
Kramer: A hole in one, huh?
Jerry: Well, the crowd most have gone wild!
George: Oh, yes they did, Jerry - they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist!
Jerry: Wow! What'd she say?
George: She told me to go to hell, and I took the bus home.

George Costanza: Is that the time? I gotta get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.
Kramer: Hey, is that Elaine mannequin still there?
George Costanza: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah?
George Costanza: The last time I saw her... she was naked.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, And Poppie's got problems.

The bus is the single stupidest, fattest, slowest, most despised vehicle on the road, isn't it? Have you ever noticed, when you get behind the bus, people in your car go, "What are you doing? Get away! Come on!" The back of the bus, it's like an eclipse, isn't it? People are just like, "The sun. Where is the sun?" It's like this huge metal ass just taking up the whole windshield of your car. When it pulls out, it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa.

Jerry: I love saying "my wife," once I started saying it, I couldn't stop: "my wife this, my wife that." It's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
Cosmo Kramer: "My wife has an inner-ear infection."
Jerry: See?
Cosmo Kramer: I like that.

I really feel, as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills, conversational distance. Don't you hate these people that talk to you, they talk into your mouth, like you're a clown at a drive-thru? And handshakes is the worst. There's absolutely no guidelines for handshakes. You know how many people?.. Too strong, too weak. Sometimes they give you the three-quarter handshake, just the fingers. Early release, late release. Sometimes people will dispute your release. You've let go. They're hanging on. I have actually said to people, "Hey, the handshake is over." Too many pumps, coming in too high. Too sweaty. From too far away. Sometimes a guy will give you a strong grip, late release, and pull you in for the too-close conversation. To him I say, "That's three strikes. You're out."

Jerry Seinfeld: You kept making all the stops?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.

Jerry, George Costanza: Elaine!
Jerry: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean like laundry?
Jerry: No, like when a man goes swimming afterwards.
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George Costanza: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George Costanza: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!

Jerry Seinfeld: I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants. You want to go?
Kramer: What state?
Jerry Seinfeld: Rhode Island.
Kramer: They're never in contention.

You know, I think I could have played with dolls if there were dolls in the house. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't seem like a gender thing. I think I would like to play with dolls. What's so terrible?

There's something insincere about these greeting cards that we send to each other all the time. They're like these paper emotional prostitutes, isn't it? I don't know what my feelings are, so I'll pay some total stranger a buck to make up this Hallmark hooker to do job for me. So I can go, "I didn't write this, but whatever they wrote, I think the same thing." Wouldn't it be better if we just had one card that covered every occasion for everybody in one shot? Happy birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy anniversary, Congratulations, It's a boy and our deepest sympathies. Signed, the whole office."

Hi, this is George. I've got nothing to say.

Jerry Seinfeld: And what is his stand on abortion?
Elaine Marie Benes: What?
Jerry Seinfeld: What is his stand... on abortion?
Elaine Marie Benes: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
Jerry Seinfeld: How do you know?
Elaine Marie Benes: Because he... Well... He's just so good-looking.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas... could be trouble.

Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
Jerry Seinfeld: Boy, you can really talk some trash.
Jerry Seinfeld: I guess that's better than eating it.

Jerry Seinfeld: Oh no, it's Kenny Bania.
George Costanza: Who's he?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, he's this awful comedian.

Jerry Seinfeld: I can't wear these. They look ridiculous.
Kramer: Well, you look like a cowboy!
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't wanna be a cowboy!

George Costanza: I am telling you, Jerry, having a secretary is incredible! I don't know why I didn't have one before.
Jerry Seinfeld: Because you didn't have a job?
George Costanza: Perhaps.

Lois: So will you come to Hawaii with me Jerry?
Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I will, Lois. Maybe I will.

Jerry: So what happened with Kramer's mother?
George Costanza: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
Jerry: What's she like?
George Costanza: Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I was there I, uh, happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine: Ah, I'm ready what?
Jerry: What is it?
George Costanza: I, uh, got the first name.
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?
Jerry: I've been trying to get it out of him for ten years! What is it?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: Cosmo?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: Cosmo?
Cosmo Kramer: What's so funny?... wha?

Jerry: I'm not letting you cheat Newman. You're not getting anywhere near that board.
Newman: Jerry, I'm a little insulted.
Jerry: You're not a little anything, Newman.

Jerry Seinfeld: You look like a pirate
Cosmo Kramer: I want to be a pirate

Cosmo Kramer: Hey.
George Costanza: You fixed me up with a bald woman!
Cosmo Kramer: Bald?
George Costanza: Yeah, that's right.
Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.
George Costanza: So?
Elaine: You're bald!
George Costanza: No, I'm not!
George Costanza: I... *was* bald.

You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in 1941 and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are.

You think you're better than me?

You think you're better than me?

Jerry: You feel the need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist?
Cosmo Kramer: When they pull that needle out, I let the ex-ple-tives fly!
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Jerry: You're turning into Jimmy!
George Costanza: George is getting upset!

Elaine Benes: I couldn't find it anywhere. How did you get fleas anyway?
Jerry Seinfeld: don't know. Who could've been in my apartment?
Elaine Benes: I 've looked everywhere , even under the couch but all I could find were the stupid Chunky wrappers. I couldn't...
Jerry Seinfeld: ... Wait a minute . Did you say Chunky wrappers?
Elaine Benes: Yeah!
Jerry Seinfeld: Let me see those.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh! I know the chunky that left these Chunkies... Newman! I've got him.

Well of course they're trying to screw you! What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything; nobody knows! "Why, well you need a new johnson rod in here." Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well better put one of those on!

How about the little scam the airlines have going now with these special clubs. Hundred and fifty dollar a year to sit in a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee and soda and read magazines. Excuse me, isn't this the flight? I already got four hours of this coming to me. What am I paying for? How about an I-got-all-my-luggage club? Can I get into that? Where is that club? I would like to join that club. Airlines love to divide us up into classes. You know, like when you're sitting in coach, they always have the stewardess close that stupid curtain, you know? They always give you that little look like, "Maybe if you had worked a little harder."

George Costanza: I saw Sienna again.
Elaine Benes: Sienna?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, he's dating a crayon.

Cosmo Kramer: Understudys, now they're a shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm glad that she's an understudy. This way I avoid having to go backstage and think of something to say.
George Costanza: Going backstage is the worst. Especially when they stink, then it's a real problem.
Jerry Seinfeld: Just once I'd like to tell someone they stink. 'Ya know what? I didn't like the show, I didn't like you, ya just really stunk. The whole thing: really bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though.'

Jerry Seinfeld: All right, Elaine but this is beyond news. This is like Pearl Harbor! Or the Kennedy assassination! It's like not even news. It's total shock!
Elaine Benes: Oh, come on, Jerry. Please, please, please, please, please!
Jerry Seinfeld: George Constanza...
Elaine Benes: Yeah?
Jerry Seinfeld: Is getting married!
Elaine Benes: Get out!

Jerry: Let me take a guess: she cried, and you caved.
George Costanza: How did you know that?
Jerry: I live and breathe, my friend. I live and breathe.

Jerry Seinfeld: Ah, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Ciccio.
Ciccio: Si, si, I'mma Ciccio.
Jerry Seinfeld: Poppy sent me to see you, Mr. Ciccio.
Ciccio: Si, si, Poppy.
Jerry Seinfeld: Um, did he, did he mention to you why I called?
Ciccio: Si, the house in Tuscana.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, right, right. So is there anything there to rent?
Ciccio: Si. Two million a Lira. You give me the check.
Jerry Seinfeld: I didn't actually want to rent it.
Ciccio: The keys, here are the keys. You give me the check. Two million a Lira. Seventeen hundred Americana. Molto generoso.
Ciccio: Ah, si, si.
Jerry Seinfeld: So see um, I didn't say that I wanted to rent it, I was just wondering if there were... houses there to rent.
Ciccio: Si.
Ciccio: Thissa one! Capiche?

Jerry Seinfeld: I still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date.
Elaine Benes: I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're going by sound? What are we, whales?
Elaine Benes: I think I can tell.
Jerry Seinfeld: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?
Elaine Benes: 25 percent.
Jerry Seinfeld: 25 percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a 20 to 1 shot.
Elaine Benes: You're way off.
Jerry Seinfeld: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.
Elaine Benes: So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?
Jerry Seinfeld: UNDATEABLE!

Jerry Seinfeld: Have you tasted the soup?
Elaine Benes: Yeah, alright, you made the right decision.
Jerry Seinfeld: See, the way I figure it, it's much easier to patch things up with Sheila than with the Soup Nazi.

The Rogue's Wallet: That's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding. his name was Costanza. He killed my mother!

George Costanza: You have no idea of the *magnitude* of this thing! If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, ceases to exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with - Movie George, Coffee Shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
Jerry Seinfeld: I love that George.
George Costanza: Me too! And he's dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, *cannot* stand!

George Costanza: You have no idea of the magnitude of this thing! If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, ceases to exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with - Movie George, Coffee Shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
Jerry Seinfeld: I love that George.
George Costanza: Me too! And he's dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, cannot stand!

George Costanza: This
George Costanza: isn't mine, the Institute gave it to me! The Institute!

Frank Costanza: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?
George Costanza: Why don't we talk about it another time.
Frank Costanza: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!
Mrs. Ross: Something's missing all right.
Mr. Ross: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
Frank Costanza: That's perverse.

Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, what're ya up to?
Cosmo Kramer: Nothin'!
Jerry Seinfeld: Wanna go up to the Bronx and see if there's any flyers on George's car...
Cosmo Kramer: Sure!
Jerry Seinfeld: Guess I coulda said just about anything there, couldn't I?
Cosmo Kramer: Yup.

Marisa Tomei: Have I told you how much I love you today?
George Costanza: Not in the last fifteen minutes.
Marisa Tomei: Well, I do love you very much.
George Costanza: And I love you, Marisa.
Marisa Tomei: Well then, c'mon, get dressed. We're going to be late for the premiere.

Morty Seinfeld: How long has this been going on?
Jerry Seinfeld: Thirty years.

Jerry Seinfeld: It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to give to Charles Grodin on his show.
George Costanza: So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll be delighted to talk to you.
Jerry Seinfeld: I will - don't worry.
Jerry Seinfeld: In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her lap!
Elaine Benes: That's sounds pretty juvenile.
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey! A dinosaur!

The other thing I love is when you're in the middle of a dream and your alarm goes off, you incorporate the sound of the alarm into the dream so you can keep sleeping. And you'll make any adjustment in the dream to do it. I was with Marie-Antoinette in a dream last night, and she was on the guillotine, the blade came down, her head fell in the basket, it rolled over, and she started singing Neil Diamond's Solitary Man. And I thought, "That is not my alarm going off. This is actually happening."

Jerry Seinfeld: Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you asking him out?
Jesse: Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Jerry Seinfeld: Right in front of me? How do you know we're not together? Two guys sitting, laughing, drinking champagne coolies.
Jesse: I don't know. I just didn't think you were.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, we're sitting here together. Why wouldn't you think that?
Jesse: I don't know. I just didn't.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, it's very emasculating.

George Costanza: Well, this is bad. I am really in a bad situation now.
Jerry: So what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzone?
George Costanza: What's he gonna do? That's exactly the point! Nobody knows what this guy is capable of. He fires people like it's a bodily function!

Beth: I realized after three years of marriage that David's little quirks were getting on my nerves a little.
Jerry Seinfeld: Three years is a long time to be married.

Yes I'd like to speak to Marisa Tomei, please? Marisa, hi, it's George Costanza. I'm the short, funny, quirky bald man you met a little while ago... Yeah, I was just calling 'cause I wanted you to know that I'm not engaged anymore... Well, uh, she died... Toxic glue. From the wedding invitations... Well, we were expecting about two hundred people. Yeah... Anyway... I got the funeral tomorrow but, uh... my weekend is pretty wide open and I was wondering... Hello? Hello?

Those meaty paws. I feel like I'm dating George "The Animal" Steele.

George Costanza: Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry: Elaine danced?
George Costanza: More like a full body dry heave set to music.

Who's gonna bomb you? An airline, for all the stupid little peanut jokes?

Jerry Seinfeld: So you saw Bania's act.
Abby: He got two minutes into that Ovaltine thing and I just couldn't take it anymore.
Jerry Seinfeld: I told you, it's like getting beaten with a bag of oranges.
Abby: Why is he so obsessed with Ovaltine?
Jerry Seinfeld: He just thinks that anything that dissolves in milk is funny.

George Costanza: I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on
Jerry Seinfeld: Ah, too bad you got a little George Costanza thing going on.

George Costanza: Hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, V, in relation to the trajectory, T, in which G, gravity, of course, remains a constant.
George Costanza: It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
George Costanza: George Costanza. Assistant to the Traveling Secretary.
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George Costanza: Do you want to talk about hotels or do you want to win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: Hey, we won the World Series.
George Costanza: In six games.

George Costanza: Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.
Clarence: Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.
George Costanza: I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships.
George Costanza: The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence?
George Costanza: .
Clarence: We had to abandon ship.
George Costanza: Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
Clarence: The boat sank!
George Costanza: According to this, it took 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence.
George Costanza: So, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty?

Jerry: So he just shaves his head for no reason?
George Costanza: That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!

Jerkstore is the line. Jerkstore!

Leader: That's not the sign.
George Costanza: It was when I was bangin'!

Jerry Seinfeld: She wants to talk?
George Costanza: She doesn't want to. She needs to talk.
Jerry Seinfeld: Nobody needs to talk.
George Costanza: Who would want to?

It could be anything. The whole apartment's a biohazard.

Jerry Seinfeld: You must be Kramer's guys. Come on in. You got the cigars?
Guillermo: What cigars?
Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer said I was supposed to bring him back some Cubans.
Guillermo: We are the Cubans.

Cosmo Kramer: Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
Jerry: What is that smell?
Cosmo Kramer: That's East River.
Jerry: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
Cosmo Kramer: Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
Jerry: How could you swim in that water?
Cosmo Kramer: I saw a couple of other guys out there.
Jerry: Swimming?
Cosmo Kramer: Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.

Beth: Hey, what do you call a doctor who failed out of med school?
Jerry: What?
Beth: A dentist.
Jerry: Dentists. Who needs 'em?
Beth: Yeah. Same goes for those blacks and Jews.

George Costanza: To think I'd fail at failing.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh come on.
George Costanza: I can't do anything wrong.
Jerry Seinfeld: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George Costanza: You think so?
Jerry Seinfeld: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George Costanza: Well, I guess I'll have to pick myself up, dust myself up, and throw myself right back down again!
Jerry Seinfeld: That's the spirit! You suck.
George Costanza: I know.

George Costanza: I can't believe the Yankees really fired me.
Jerry Seinfeld: You had a good run. Took 'em to the World Series.
George Costanza: I gotta give the players most of the credit for that.
Jerry Seinfeld: Don't sell yourself short. You made all those flight arrangements, hotels, buses.
George Costanza: No, I don't know who was doing that.
Jerry Seinfeld: So when you actually did work, what is it that you did?
George Costanza: I tell you, they had a pastry cart you wouldn't believe.

Jerry Seinfeld: Remember David Puddy?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, the face-painting auto mechanic. So she's dating him again, huh?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I guess she's batted around and she's back at the top of the order.

George Costanza: You know, after all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together
Elaine Benes: Well that's because you're an idiot!

Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, you got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy.
Jerry Seinfeld: Noooooo.

George Costanza: I don't get these birds; they're breakin' the deal! It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me.
Jerry Seinfeld: So they're like everyone else.

Jerry Seinfeld: All right, I admit it. I slept with Nina - but that's all!
George Costanza: "That's all"? That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for, anyway.

Elaine: So... Whatley's still Jewish, huh?
Jerry: Oh, sure. With out the parents, it's a breeze.

George Costanza: Who is this? Blue Arrow?
Elaine Benes: No, Green Lantern.
Jerry Seinfeld: We found out his super power is lack of money.
Elaine Benes: Very funny.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine Benes: Ha ha.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
Elaine Benes: All right, that's enough.
George Costanza: Hey, Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is "Lois Loan".
Elaine Benes: Well crafted.

Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.
George Costanza: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
Elaine: So you think that Puddy actually believes in something?
Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
Jerry: Plus, he probably doesn't know how to program the buttons.
Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
Elaine: Dumb and lazy, I understand.

Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me.

That gotta hurts!

Jerry Seinfeld: See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George Costanza: Really?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry Seinfeld: You think?
George Costanza: I think we have.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, maybe we have.