House M.D. Quotes

Livers are important, Cuddy. You can't live without them, hence the name.

Dr. Jekyll, I presume. They found a half-eaten sheep in the zoo, police wanna ask you a few questions...

You gonna trust me? I lie about everything.

You know, I was going to ask what a respectable doctor was doing in an OTB parlor. Somehow, that question doesn't seem relevant anymore.

Relax, I'm a doctor. Your spectacular breasts mean nothing to me.

Rebecca Adler: Am I ever gonna meet Dr. House?
Dr. James Wilson: Oh, you might run into him at the movies or on a bus.
Rebecca Adler: Is he a good man?
Dr. James Wilson: He's a good... doctor.
Rebecca Adler: Can you be one without the other? Don't you have to care about people?
Dr. James Wilson: Caring's a good motivator. He's found something else.

It's nothing personal. Actually, I think you're doing pretty well. But I came here to work with House.

Martha Masters: So we just give up and go home?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Actually, somebody locked the front door, but, yeah, we... give up.

When two people have had sex, unless it sucks, if they can do it again, they're gonna do it again.

And I responded with a number of trenchant remarks which made Chase cry. None of which I'm going to testify about.

House, I need you to come to that dinner for two hours, keep your mouth shut, and behave like an adult. Yes, you will be in Hell, but I will feel better having you there. That is what a relationship is. We average our misery.

Patient's in cardiac arrest. Ouchy!

That poster got me laid when I got home last night, so do your worst.

Okay, what disease can turn Cuddy's mother into a coma patient named Stewart?

Meet you in the cafeteria in 10. There'll be a corndog with your name on it. I mean an actual corndog. They fixed the deep fryer.

House, I'm not going to tell you a third time. Do not screw this up! Because I really don't want to clean up the mess.

Dr. Gregory House: She's got post traumatic stress disorder.
Dr. Robert Chase: We got models fighting in Iraq now?

Dr. Chris Taub: Uh... we're not cops. Cops aren't allowed to say that, right?
Sadie: Yeah. They can say it.
Dr. Chris Taub: Oh.
Sadie: But if you were a cop, you would know that. What do you want?
Dr. Chris Taub: Um... I'd like to buy some cocaine please.
Sadie: Definitely not a cop.

Dr. Gregory House: Wilson! How long can you go without sex?
Dr. James Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people?

The benefit of being boss is that I don't have to argue. You're all off the case.

You're an idiot. Trust me. Everybody will be happier if House and I aren't dating.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You already signed a release. He's gonna do what he needs to do.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, and if that involves chopping off my leg - I want to be damn sure it's necessary.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House...
Dr. Gregory House: I don't trust him. I trust *you*.

Are you asking me to file charges? Just give me the paperwork. If Greg House steps foot in my hospital, or comes anywhere near me - I want him thrown in jail!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if I'd shot a live person, there's a lot more paperwork.

There's nothing in there but a pharmacy's worth of pain meds. This guy makes House look like a Christian

This is your new reality. You've got your office. You've got neighbors. You've got one employee, one volunteer until she finds actual, paid work or gets sick of you.

Seizures are cool to watch, boring to diagnose.

You've been working for House for two weeks. It's already too long.

Religion is not the opiate of the masses. Religion is the placebo of the masses.

Next time you get shot, I promise to only treat the bullet wounds.

I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?

Inject him with Cortisol. The guy'll have sex with his wife again! He'll hug his kid again! Hopefully that's the combination he was using... be a shame if I had cured a pedophile.

Everybody lies.

It's... a little weird to discuss the case while you're staring at your blood on the floor.

What about boogers? Should we include boogers?

If you're gonna kill me and rape me, please do it in that order.

I know you're in there, I can hear you caring!

Rebecca Adler: He's your friend, huh?
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah.
Rebecca Adler: Does he care about you?
Dr. James Wilson: I think so.
Rebecca Adler: You don't know?
Dr. James Wilson: As Dr. House likes to say, "Everybody lies."
Rebecca Adler: It's not what people say; it's what they *do.*
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah... he cares about me.

All natural, no dyes. It's a good business - all-natural children's toys. Those toy companies, they don't arbitrarily mark up their frogs. They don't lie about how much they spend on research and development. And the worst that a toy company can be accused of is making a really boring frog. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get 'em in frog green, fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove 'em wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die then cough up forty bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop REALLY fast. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit.

Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything.

Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. You know that women can have an hour long orgasm?

It's always a sad thing when sperm comes between people...

Chemo won't make your life any better, but caring will. Enduring pain to do some good for someone you care about. Isn't that what life is?

Dr. James Wilson: House?
Dr. Gregory House: NO, it's your other friend in the asylum.

What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Pretend time's been going on long enough.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't have a medical license. All I can do is pretend.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And I'm going to have payroll send over some pretend checks starting tomorrow.

Dr. Gregory House: You don't have a problem with what I did?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done, trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane; so, when I hired you, I also set aside fifty thousand a year for legal expenses. So far, you've come in under budget.

One small feel for man, one giant ass for mankind.

Welcome to the world of maternal mirror syndrome. Mom's body is like an intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time. When she gets pregnant, it's like a new station opening in Dusseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things, bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks, get electrocuted. Before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you've got a bunch of angry Germans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain't good for the Jews.

You have only one decision to make: do you leave here with one dead son or two?

I'm pretty sure my X-Ray machine can take your phone in a fight. It'll fry it.

You dosed me!

Dr. Robert Chase: Just tell me the truth.
Dr. Allison Cameron: About what?
Dr. Robert Chase: Did you ever love me?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I don't know!
Dr. Robert Chase: Thank you for finally telling me.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I heard House has met Sam.
Dr. James Wilson: First time, he was naked. Second time, he brought a transvestite prostitute to dinner. Overall, it could have been worse.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Great.

I wouldn't have tortured you if I knew you liked it.

The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.

Dr. James Wilson: Sounds like you had fun last night.
Dr. Gregory House: You believe Chase?
Dr. James Wilson: I believe Foreman. And they had fun with you. What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: I realized they could be my friends.
Dr. James Wilson: You're serious?
Dr. Gregory House: And then I sobered up.

Just like most straight marriages. He's got the right to life liberty and unhappiness - like the rest of us.

The story of life - Boy meets girl. Boy gets stupid. Boy and girl live stupidly ever after.

There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends, and there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.

Dr. Dave Broda: Hey! You're insane!
Dr. Gregory House: But I'm right!
Dr. Dave Broda: I hope you are because I can't let you out now.

Trying to win Stacy back by killing an animal. Very caveman.

I didn't bring you back here so you could stage a coup!

You were an idiot for lying to her in the first place. Don't be more of an idiot now. Say nothing to no one about anything - that includes me.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You're bleeding.
Dr. Gregory House: A little thing called a bus crash. It's just a scalp laceration. It could be hidden in his optic chiasm.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's coming from your ear. You think that's a good thing?

What do you got against chickens? One of them got choked last night because of you.

Childproof. How many kids are hopped up on Vicodin?

Hey! Hold your head still unless you want me to sew your nose under your eye.

Dr. Gregory House: I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's... fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and believe. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thank you.

Dr. Gregory House: The trauma must have stimulated a pre-existing heart condition.
Dr. Chris Taub: Autoimmune congenital anomaly, blood clotting disorder, lead poisoning...
Thirteen: Could be anything.
Dr. Gregory House: Great! Let's explore that. Quick, get her on panacea.

Dr. James Wilson: Pretend to apologize.
Dr. Gregory House: You want me to lie?
Dr. James Wilson: There's a lovely symmetry to it. A lie got you into it, a lie gets you out of it.
Dr. Gregory House: Everybody lies. I'm sure Cuddy... Just need to give her a chance.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, that must've been what I meant.

Dr. Allison Cameron: This is not what she wants!
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's being manipulated by a morally guilty brother and a legally guiltier doctor.
Dr. Robert Chase: You think she wants to die?
Dr. Allison Cameron: She's dying either way.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: What did House have to say?
Thirteen: He told me I was raised by wolves and that's why I use the same hand for my fork and knife.

Martha Masters: So humanity is apathetic and self-serving?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah.

Stacy Warner: Why did Chase screw up?
Dr. Allison Cameron: He forgot to ask her a question. Does there need to be a reason?
Stacy Warner: It might help him.
Dr. Allison Cameron: As far as I'm concerned, he made a little mistake. It happens.
Stacy Warner: How far are you concerned?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You think I'm biased?
Stacy Warner: You're colleagues. You've worked together for over a year and everyone says you slept together.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Who says?
Stacy Warner: The correct answer is: "We're not involved and I'm not biased."
Dr. Allison Cameron: We're not involved and I don't know why he messed up. House has worked with him longer than I have. You should talk to House.

Thirteen: You are the champion of not dealing with your problems.
Dr. Gregory House: My grandson gave me a mug that says that.

Dr. Robert Chase: You think Taub really comes across as the most trustworthy doctor here?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I knew it was bugging you.
Dr. Robert Chase: They cut me out.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're a pretty boy. Works well with the ladies, not so much with the patients. No one wants an underwear model performing their splenectomy.
Dr. Robert Chase: I notice they weren't exactly knocking down your door looking for Dr. Trustworthy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's 'cause I'm black. Cortisol levels look normal. We were wrong. Which House will interpret as him being right. He's gonna make us biopsy the pituitary gland.
Dr. Robert Chase: You seem pretty calm for a guy who's surrounded by racists.
Dr. Eric Foreman: 80% of the Princeton population is white. Some are racist, some aren't. White works with both demographics.
Dr. Robert Chase: So race is your excuse, not the fact that you usually look like you're about to punch someone in the face?
Dr. Eric Foreman: We're good.

You want me to do a second major surgery on a patient we almost lost during a first major surgery to see if she needs a third major surgery?

She's bleeding from... nowhere.

Cath him, and see what's stopping him from emptying his bilge. Oh, not you, Chase. Sending Captain Micropenis to deal with what's probably normal-sized equipment? That's too cruel even for me.

Who wants to go service House so this patient can live?

She seems so dumb. But when the pressure was on, she knew what had to be done and she did it.

Dr. Gregory House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here. If Cameron kills someone, Chase takes over. There's a flowchart in the lobby.

Lou: I'm pregnant?
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: You want to call the father and let him know?
Lou: Soon as you do some DNA testing, let me know.

Teacher: Rachel had a great time, played with everything. She's a very clever girl. I'm sorry to ask this, but we've had some problems with parents coaching kids. Rachel caught on to our toys unusually quickly, and she even knew the game was called Feed the Monkey.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, as eager as I am to have her go here, I promise you, I would never do that. Hey, Rachel, have you ever played Feed the Monkey before?
Rachel Cuddy: ...No, Mama.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Can I talk to you about something in confidence?
Dr. Wilson: Of course.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's about House.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, then, no.

Lou: My boss has a big Beijing trip. I've been planning it for months. I was just tired and dehydrated and...
Thirteen: Yeah, whenever I lose some shut-eye, I pound my legs, clawing at imaginary ant colonies.

Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood Preschool. Problem is Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich.
Dr. James Wilson: And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.
Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy cares about her, which means when Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. Then, as a boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive and consoling.
Dr. James Wilson: Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine.
Dr. Gregory House: "Play date" being their code for "way to weed out the paste sandwiches." They'll hand her puzzles and counting games and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces.
Dr. James Wilson: Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker.
Dr. Gregory House: Thanks for the advice.

I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back is turned you wait in line?

Dr. Gregory House: How many friends do you have?
Lucas Douglas: Seventeen.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously? Do you have a list?
Lucas Douglas: No, I knew this conversation was really about you, so I just gave you an answer so you could get back to your train of thought.

Wynn: When we were talking you seemed like a nice guy. So either you're a great actor or you're a nice guy who lost his way. For whatever reason, a little negative re-enforcement seemed warranted... Oh currently your password is "Great big ho." Change it back to anything but "password."
Dr. Robert Chase: Hey, I'm - I'm sorry. Let me prove it to you by taking you out for dinner followed by not sleeping.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm serious.
Wynn: Not on your life.

You know, "Stacy" in the original Greek means "relationship killer".

Dr. Gregory House: You're a P.I. who can't lie?
Lucas Douglas: I can lie. I'm just not all that good at it.

When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. Now she's protecting a boyfriend. Hospital's not going to put up with that for long, so I need you to protect me from doing something that Cuddy will regret. See you bright and late tomorrow.

Dr. Eric Foreman: If a human being had actually looked at his blood anywhere along the way, instead of just running tests through the computer, parasites would have jumped right out at them.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Price of the electronic age.

Dr. Chris Taub: Cancer made no sense. The head and heart make less than no sense.
Lucas Douglas: That makes no sense.
Dr. Chris Taub: I know. I was making a point.
Lucas Douglas: Oh, good. I thought you were an idiot.
Dr. Chris Taub: Why are you talking?
Lucas Douglas: Oh, the guy doing manual labor can't have an opinion? I might be a genius who just happens to have a passion for fixing coffee machines. No, I'm obviously not, but that's rude to make assumptions about people.

Dr. Gregory House: Just some stuff that can cause severe nausea, and permanent erctile disfunction. And which proves that your mom is doing the help. According to her diary, some contractor named Jesus, which granted, was originally a Jewish name.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Go mom.

Dr. Robert Chase: The only thing you've been asked to do is supervise House in case he does something insane.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Which might, you know, save a life.

Dr. Gregory House: Brain's clean. Moving on.
Dr. Remy Hadley: To where? We've gone from making no sense to making less sense and then taking a step backward.

I know you're in there. I can hear you caring.

You know, people hate people who have theories about people.

Nadia: Why are you doing that?
Dr. Gregory House: More important question is, why are you?
Nadia: It's just a habit.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a habit that compels you in an obsessive way that's so bad it's a disorder.
Nadia: I don't have OCD.
Dr. Robert Chase: Each brain with OCD has its own way of filtering it. Some people wash their hands and hoard TV Guides, you do puzzles and hoard memories.
Dr. Gregory House: So what we thought was a gift, was just you literally obsessing over your own life.
Nadia: That's why I can't stop the memories even when I try. But everything else? My kidneys...
Dr. Gregory House: Your memory was a symptom of a symptom of a larger disease. You have McLeod's syndrome. It's rare genetic disorder that affects the nervous system, blood and can cause OCD.

Ultrasound her uterus this time. See if there's something growing in there that doesn't look adorable in a onesie.

People should not be testing drugs because they're desperate. But, people won't test drugs unless they're desperate. We need drugs to save children and puppies, ergo we need desperate people, ergo welfare kills sick children.

Who put sand in her vagina?

Dr. James Wilson: You don't like yourself. But you do admire yourself. It's all you've got so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special.
Dr. James Wilson: Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable.

Dr. Chris Taub: You've discovered that one of us has been hiding the ability to stretch or shrink themselves?
Dr. Gregory House: No. I would never out someone's superpowers.

I want you to care more than just what you want. You think you need me, House. You may even love me. But you don't care about me. And I deserve someone who does.

I didn't know people actually read e-mails, the delete button is so conveniently located.

Thirteen: Drugs? How many trials are you on?
Brandon: Three.
Dr. Gregory House: Admirable. Not many idiots have that much ambition.

Dr. Gregory House: Prep him for exploratory surgery and start the betting.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Betting?
Dr. Gregory House: I got a hundred bucks says it's a pea.

God, you're good! You're putting me to sleep!

There's a lot of people here today. Including some from the Corps. And I noticed that every one of them, is either my father's rank, or higher. And that doesn't surprise me. Because if the test of a man is how he treats those he has power over... it was a test my father failed. This man you're eager to pay homage to, he was incapable of admitting any point of view but his own. He punished failure, he did not accept anything less than... He loved doing what he did, he saw his work as some kind of sacred calling, more important than any personal relationship. Maybe if he'd been a better father, I'd be a better son. But I am what I am because of him, for better or for worse.

Dr. Gregory House: Oh grow up. If porn was bad why would there be so many nuns in it?
Dr. James Wilson: Why is she mad?
Dr. Gregory House: I was myself which by the way she's supposed to love unconditionally.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Hey! Did you drop acid?
Dr. Gregory House: Why would I do that?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: To annoy me or maybe because you're miserable or because you want to self-destruct. Pick one.

Still not boring.

My head is on your vagina.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You induced a migraine headache in a coma patient?
Dr. Gregory House: Gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Have you even read an ethical guideline?

Dr. Chris Taub: House, call your mom.
Dr. Gregory House: What are you? My mom?

Dr. Gregory House: I RSVP'd two days ago. What? Do you think I'm a complete ass?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Cuddy walks away. Then stops and turns around] If you were already going why did you - ?
Dr. Gregory House: Foreplay.

Dr. Weber: Who are you?
Dr. James Wilson: Just a lunatic who desperately needs a hobby.

She was adopted when the parents thought they couldn't have kids. Then they had three more. She took the message as "Thanks for playing, but we have our real children now."

Such a beautiful day, we thought we'd do all our doctoring outside.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Could pain medication cause an orgasm?
Dr. Gregory House: I wish.

Thirteen: Bubbles.
Dr. Gregory House: Is that your new stripper name?
Thirteen: Yes. And also we inject bubbles into the cyst and follow where they drift. They end up in the other organs, we know you're right, cut it out, she's fine.
Dr. Gregory House: Bubbles is right.

Dr. Gregory House: If you don't make it, I won't sleep with anyone for at least a month.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Make it two.
Dr. Gregory House: Bitch.

Another life saved by girl-on-girl action.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Get them out of here. My urethra is not for public entertainment.
Dr. Gregory House: But it is good time adjacent.

Awwww. Do you miss Stacy too?

If you're happy, then I'm -

Dr. Eric Foreman: Although, maybe we should have just played a few games of "Savage 21: The Revenge" Because that's obviously the best way to make someone feel better.
Dr. Gregory House: Keep talking like Wilson, and your face is gonna freeze like that.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Look, however bad you think you're gonna be in that room, not being there is worse.

Gotta go. People dying. The whole "circle of life" thing.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You're doing drugs, staying up all night, having sex with strangers.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: It sounds like fun to me.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Teenage supermodel. Presented with double vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataplexy...
Dr. Gregory House: You had me at "teenage supermodel."

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Spider bite doesn't explain anything unless the patient was actually bitten by a spider. I'll do the exam.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't be ridiculous. That would be inappropriate. It'd be better if a woman gropes her. There's no sexual tension that way.

Dr. Gregory House: I thought you loved those 8 seconds.
Lane: ...I do... And now you're telling me that I gotta give them up... I can always find something else to love.

Dr. James Wilson: Heard you killed your supermodel.
Dr. Gregory House: Only for a minute.

There's more than one baby in the sea. World is full of teenage boys riding bareback.

When things go wrong, I don't want to hope that I'm not alone. I want to know it. With House - everytime I needed him to step up - he's just never gonna be that. It's not his fault. It's who he is. I should have known it. This is my fault.

They explained the returns policy, right? It's worse than video games.

Dr. James Wilson: You're scared because nothing excites you. Fun doesn't excite you. Puzzles don't excite you. What's left? And I was saying you're right. You're upset. You're depressed. Everything's going to taste a little worse right now, but... it'll pass.
Dr. Gregory House: It's understandable. You're scared because you think I'm falling apart. And you're trying to convince yourself that you're overreacting.

Cheese is the devil's plaything.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why do you need to negate everything?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't know.

Adult refsum disease... Fits all symptoms. Body can't process the phtanic acid and chorophyll. It's his healthy diet of green vegetables that's killing him.

There's two things we get stupid for, money and sex.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thirty-seven-year-old male with recurring blackouts.
Dr. Gregory House: Tell him to switch from tequila to bourbon. Worked for me.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Would you slow down? You're gonna get us arrested!
Dr. Chris Taub: I wouldn't worry about it. We'll probably die first!
Dr. Gregory House: Don't make me take my shoe off!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, don't you think that's a little manipulative?
Dr. Gregory House: No, it's hugely manipulative.

You're feeling threatened because she's going onto high school and leaving you behind to repeat the eighth grade.

Dr. Chris Taub: I think we should boycott this wedding on principle.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I kind of have to go. His fiancee did give me a foot massage. And he invited me to be in his wedding party.
Dr. Chris Taub: W-What about Chase? Did he ask him?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yep. He's in it.
Dr. Chris Taub: What the Hell?
Dr. Eric Foreman: You said you weren't even going.
Dr. Chris Taub: I still have feelings.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He's 66 years old.
Dr. Gregory House: He told me he was 65. Liar. I'm outta here.

I have to admit, you have one of the best game faces I've ever seen - also one of the best game bodies.

You're not gonna feel a thing except this excruciating pain.

Dr. Chris Taub: No electric. No gas either. It's cold in here.
Dr. Eric Foreman: The good thing is, I've found a guy who makes you look like a good roommate.
Dr. Chris Taub: Haha. Maybe hoarding is a symptom.

Dr. James Wilson: It's not all about sex, House.
Dr. Gregory House: Really? When did that change?

Hey, Cameron, how would you like your old job back? I'm asking because it's the only way I can fire you.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Actually, I'm impressed. Messing around with a 22 year-old hottie with your wife on my sofa. You're a full throttle headcase.
Dr. Chris Taub: I was doing you a solid with the sofa. Rachel wanted to do it in your bed. You've got the memory phone top.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Let's make it really simple. If I own it, I don't want you doing it on it.
Dr. Chris Taub: You... might want to get rid of your kitchen table... Look I'm sorry, but it was worth it.

He's choking on his tongue, not his feet.

Martha Masters: There has to be some kind of inciting psychological incident.
Dr. Robert Chase: This is perfect for you. You get all the human interaction you crave without any actual human interaction.
Martha Masters: She was a cheerleader. Hah.
Dr. Robert Chase: You know, when you're interested in something and nobody else is, the polite thing is to keep it to yourself.
Martha Masters: Popular, beautiful, gregarious.
Dr. Robert Chase: Hydrogen sulphide is about two parts per billion, the the size of healthy fart. I'll be back for you in July.

A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search.

So coloring inside the lines is more important than saving this girl's life? I was wrong about one thing - you are not exceptional.

Charlotte: I am not having an affair with my daughter's karate instructor and I did not give my husband herpes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Find out where House is.

Dr. Chris Taub: Blood in the field. Not where I'm looking.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: How am I supposed to know where you're looking?
Dr. Chris Taub: Here's a hint: it's the bloody part.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: The whole thing's bloody. It's a guy with a hole in his body.

Masters, there's no hurry. There's no wrong choices. At least that's what they tell people who make crappy choices.

Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about.

Thirteen: What did Cuddy want?
Dr. Gregory House: I kinda hit that last night, so now she's all on my jock.
Thirteen: Wow! She looks pretty good for someone on roofies.

Martha Masters: House has opened up an internship.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You do realize if you take it. He'll probably end up firing you again.
Martha Masters: He's always hired me back.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And he'll continue mocking and insulting you- whatever chance you get.
Martha Masters: It's certainly toughened me up. You're trying to get me to say good things about him.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: NO! I'm trying to make you make your own decision and leave me alone. Working with House is great - and it sucks - often simultaneously. Most people can't work in that environment. Question is: can you?

Okay. Magical tick hunt is over! Only real doctor stuff now.

Well, since she's still dying, the arsenic obviously wasn't killing her. Since she's now getting worse, the arsenic was obviously fighting the killer. It's a hero. We should be organizing a parade.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Would you slow down? You're gonna get us arrested!
Dr. Chris Taub: I wouldn't worry about it. We'll probably die first!
Dr. Gregory House: Don't make me take my shoe off!

Dr. Allison Cameron: Why does she have a clean room in her home?
Dr. Gregory House: Heart transplant. Immune system's in the toilet, Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Three days ago, you said "no."
Dr. Gregory House: Three days ago, you asked me. Now you told me. Can't say "no" if it's not a question.

You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He needs someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to when they say no. If you really care about him, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.

Dr. Allison Cameron: What if her anaphylaxis wasn't anaphylaxis? Toxicity from the anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure and then heart failure.
Dr. Gregory House: And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen?

Dr. Eric Foreman: You're a hypocrite! If our job is to find out what's killing patients, you'd help this kid. But you'd rather play mind games to prove you're the only one with magical powers.
Dr. Gregory House: You wanted something all your own. Now you've got it.

Martha Masters: He already jumped off a hotel balcony. Who knows what he'll do next.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Noticing House pass by the office] Ride some kind of... prostitute chariot to work.

The nearly-dead and the newly-bred have more in common with each other than with people in the middle. It's weird. It's kinda circle of life thing.

Dr. Chris Taub: If you're this grown up at 16, what happens at 30?
Thirteen: You turn back into a kid... like Kutner.
Dr. Chris Taub: Kutner's not that bad.
Thirteen: He needs everything to be nice. Wants to see the best in everyone.

You know, I was just thinking. How much I wanted a relationship with no sex, but where I still have to deal with your mother.

We're smaller and better than chimps, bigger and worse than gorillas. For all our rationality, our supposed trust and fealty to a higher power, our ability to create a system of rules and laws. Our baser drives are more powerful than any of that. We want to control our emotions, but we can't. If we're happy, things don't annoy us. If on the other hand, we're sitting on crappy hole cards, little tiny things annoy us a whole lot more.

He's being an ass. If I could join you in suing him...

Start the treatment.

Dr. Eric Foreman: What about Chase? You believe all that nonsense about him being celibat?
Dr. Chris Taub: Don't know. But I'm rooting for him. Read the studies. The fewer partners you have, the happier you are with your ultimate partner.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then you're going to be miserable.
Dr. Chris Taub: Those studies, it's important that they have control.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards and a little less time staring at my breasts.
Dr. Gregory House: They don't match either.

Dr. Gregory House: You're suggesting that you screwed up because of a non-relationship with me. I don't know how I can help you because the only change you can make from a non-relationship is...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You want a relationship?
Dr. Gregory House: God, no. Just trying to follow your logic.

Dr. James Wilson: STOP! You're both at fault here.
Dr. James Wilson: You - for trying to manipulate him when you used to know better.
Dr. James Wilson: And YOU for - being you, which is an especially bad idea under the circumstances.

Dr. Gregory House: You know that relative to their size, gorillas have smaller testicles than humans.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, then you'd probably have an edge over a gorilla, but not over me.

Dr. Robert Chase: This is pathetic. If I strap a bomb to my chest, do I get seven doctors attending to me?
Dr. Gregory House: Dr. Robert Chase. On the off-chance you have some brilliant escape plan and are the vengeful type.
Dr. Robert Chase: Do you think he's the only guy in New Jersey with an unsolved illness and a pistol? I'm not playing this game.

Dr. Gregory House: Your High School boyfriend who dumped you. Leaving you unable to believe that anyone can rekindle and old flame.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: He dumped me after I hooked up with his sister.
Dr. Gregory House: ...Would you mind letting him down gently? I might've made promises that you can't keep.

Dr. James Wilson: Have you read "Moby Dick"?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a book?

Thirteen - Dr. Remy Hadley: You're a coward! You need to know everything because you're afraid to be wrong. You're so afraid of being ordinary, of being just another doctor, just another human being that you'll risk other people's lives.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm arrogant. You're the coward. You're terrified of death. You just want to cheat it by making it come sooner, gives you the illusion of control.

If it's worthy of the preface "obviously" then obviously it needs to be explained to an idiot. Do I look like an idiot?... Sorry. Cranky. What I meant to say was why don't scientists have groupies? I'd do you right now, if society wasn't telling me that you're just and underpaid dork.

Dr. Gregory House: Is Cuddy still playing?
Dr. James Wilson: The chicken is still in Piccadilly Square.
Dr. Gregory House: Brilliant. She'll never suspect that Normandy is her target.

Wow! Muscles and curves. My penis is so confused.

Dr. Eric Foreman: We could or we could assume something's seriously wrong with House and try to do something about that. That way, even if we're wrong, nobody dies.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House is fine. House is always fine.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm expanding my theory. He's avoiding you, and you're avoiding him. And this patient is going to die.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Not if you do your job.

Dr. Robert Chase: This kid is not Esther. You screwed up, she died. I'm sorry, but that does not mean this kid is dying as well.
Dr. Gregory House: Geez. You get testy when you don't get any fuzz.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That's it? You're not going to argue why this case is beneath you?
Dr. Gregory House: No point. I'm in an elevator, I can't run away.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You can't run away anyway.
Dr. Gregory House: That's just mean.

I think you want everything to be physical, tangible, simple. You want unhappiness to have a cure.

If you two guys can't play nice together, I'm taking away your toys.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Any idea why we're getting half as many requests for you as usual?
Dr. Gregory House: Democrats' health care plan?

Dr. Robert Chase: Just because he has guns doesn't mean he's a murderer.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Tell that to the bear.

Dr. Gregory House: I need a little help.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Inexplicable rash on a patient's scrotum you need me to look at?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Must've been horrible watching her die.
Thirteen: I wanted her to die. She just... yelled so much, and for no reason. Just screamed at me in front of my friends. My father tried to explain to me that her brain was literally shrinking, that she didn't mean it. That it was the disease. But I didn't care. I hated her. I never said good-bye. And she died with me hating her.

Dr. Gregory House: I tried calling everyone else. You were the last one on the list.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why wasn't 9-1-1 on the list?
Dr. Gregory House: It's not an emergency.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Right. Are you suicidal?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She took the pills to sleep, not to kill herself.
Dr. Gregory House: Clever alibi.

Dr. Chris Taub: Why aren't we doing this in your office?
Dr. Gregory House: Obviously, because it would be stupid to do this in an office with no furniture. Cuddy overreacted to my overreaction.

Dr. Allison Cameron: We've got rectal bleeding.
Dr. Gregory House: What, all of you?

In seven months, you'll have a virgin birth. Merry Christmas.

Dr. James Wilson: You've got mail.
Dr. James Wilson: I hope your leg feels better, and I hope we can be friends again soon, you bloody scallywag.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
Dr. Gregory House: No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.

Why don't you just hang out in the video store and tell everyone Kevin Spacey's Keyser Soze? By the way, that ending really made no sense at all.

Dr. Robert Chase: Have you talked to anyone about it?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: No, I may have an Aortic Arch Aneurism. Oh wait, that's her. Either help me or leave!

You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.

Yes, I was going to stalk you at home, but it was a busy week and your office is closer.

I was self-destructive. It won't happen again. I'm making changes. Stop doing stupid things.

Tie goes to the mortal.

Dr. James Wilson: Irene Adler. Christmas 2001. Sarcoid symptoms, but she didn't respond to methotrexate. I've never seen him so obsessed. He saved her with a last-minute Wegener's diagnosis, but the hours he put in... I thought it would kill him. And then... well, he fell for her, but it was too soon after Stacy and... It sounds silly, but Irene was the one who got away.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Really?
Dr. James Wilson: No, you idiots. House is just screwing with you.

Sorry, I was checking the stitches on my penis.

House, you are... as God made you!

You're not acting like House. You are like him.

Dr. Allison Cameron: The chance of infection is next to nothing.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, I was never that great at math, but next to nothing is higher than nothing, right?

This is the favor? I was expecting something involving whipped cream and tongue depressors.

So you can only handle not self-destructing by being self-destructive?

Dr. Gregory House: Tox screen was clean. He did, however, get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He was shot?
Dr. Gregory House: No, somebody threw it at him.

Lock up on your way out. Don't touch the piano.

This is where you say thank you. Or, I say thank you for not killing me. Thank you.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Do not try and force me to choose between my child...
Dr. Gregory House: I'm forcing you to do your job!

This another pet? This is going to end badly- again. Remember we talked about this? At least I talked, you stared at me eerily. I think it was eerily. Eerily was the best case scenario.

Dr. James Wilson: You're being cautious. You're being... common. When you don't give a crap...
Dr. Gregory House: How many of your guys have caught cancer from their patients? Let me know when that happens. Then we can have this conversation.
Dr. James Wilson: It's just another case, huh?
Dr. Gregory House: I'll bet you can even have unprotected sex with your cancer patients without catching a damn thing. Boy, I wish I had your job.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, I've got a DYFS home visit on Friday.
Dr. Gregory House: And I've got a W-H-O-R-E visit on...

Just, do what you have to do to get over this. Punch me in the face, kick me in the nuts: either/or, both seems excessive.

Dr. Robert Chase: You want to give Foreman a brain biopsy?
Dr. Gregory House: C'mon, really, who doesn't?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Get this straight. You break the law, you go back to jail. Scam extra Vicodin, back to jail. Flout my authority, make the hospital look bad, back to jail. I own you.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, massa.
Dr. Eric Foreman: See, that would be an example.

Dr. Robert Chase: What are you looking for?
Dr. Gregory House: I called my mom. She didn't pick up.

Dr. Gregory House: Come on, you're from one of the Twelve Tribes, you must know a ton of schysters.
Dr. Chris Taub: What type of lawyer do you need? I'll bring it up at the next world domination subcommittee meeting.

Dr. James Wilson: Ahh. Ahhh.
Dr. James Wilson: Dinner later? I'll pick something up.
Dr. Gregory House: I... I probably know a new vegetarian place.
Dr. James Wilson: Screw that. I want a steak. I'll meet at your place at eight.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't downplay this, House. You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.
Dr. Gregory House: Ooh, level three. You should call Jack Bauer.

Cuddy's gonna love you. Patient, on the other hand, is gonna hate you until the day she dies next week. Actually, this idiot will probably forgive you.

Hypothetical: if I'm offered oral sex from a sexaholic, do I have to decline? Don't answer yet. Saying no will cause both of us pain. Saying yes will cause both of us pleasure.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What is this?
Dr. Gregory House: He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Insulting me is not going to make me go away.
Dr. Gregory House: You're not here! Honestly, I'm not trying to make you go away.

Racing heart: Medical condition. Bleeding heart: Stupid condition.

Dr. James Wilson: You're accessing a webcam?
Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy's shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Her trial results are already compromised just from the fact that I know. As long as she's wasting her time, why not give her something that might actually help her?
Dr. Robert Chase: Valid point. Except for the fact that it's a load of crap. Don't be an idiot.

Dr. Gregory House: Because that would let Cameron in on the fact that I never intended to do it.
Dr. Chris Taub: This is going to be convoluted, isn't it?
Dr. Gregory House: Figured I'd ask her for something really crazy, so she'd shoot me down and get the whole I-can-control-House thing out of her perky little system. So the next time I went back and ask for something marginally crazy, she would see marginally reasonable and she'd say "yes." So yeah, slightly convulted.
Dr. Chris Taub: We're screwed.

Dr. James Wilson: Taking money from a sick person is ethically suspect at best.
Dr. Gregory House: What is this, Canada? All we do is take money from sick people.

I'm telling you, I'm going to drop the N-bomb if I have to.

The only time to strike back is when I want something. All I want now is to get things back to normal. Which I can't get by escalating. The only way to win this war is to lose it. Let her punch herself out.

Dr. Gregory House: I claim this burger in the name of Queen Isabella of Spain.
Dr. Jessica Adams: I'll go check on the patient.
Dr. Jessica Adams: I have hepatitis C.
Dr. Chi Park: She got it from me.

Dr. Gregory House: You don't have cancer.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You don't have dwarfism.
Dr. Gregory House: You have no proof of that.

Dr. Gregory House: Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't know. Maybe they wanted to take time off to spend with their little dumbwaiter but then they had to leave it at home with an elevator sitter because you drove the replacement elevator into quitting because you're incapable of listening to anybody but me. But that's just a theory.
Dr. Gregory House: You're wrong. I don't even listen to you. Either do your job or go home. Leave me out of it!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am going to do my job. Doesn't mean I have to do it happily. Doesn't mean I have to do it without resentment, and it definitely doesn't mean I have to do it without seeking vengeance on the person making me be here. Congratulations, you've officially dragged me down to your level.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Look, a few weeks ago, you were upset that I didn't consider you a friend. Now you're upset that I'm happy?
Dr. Allison Cameron: What can I say? Apparently I'm a bitch.

Dr. Chris Taub: I always worry on my deathbed I'll think "I didn't do anything really important."
Dana Miller: You're gonna spend one day of your life on your deathbed. The other 25,000 are the ones we should be worrying about. Go to bed happy tonight.

You're covering for him. I did the same thing many times. My advice: figure out what line you aren't willing to cross for him, cause eventually he'll ask you to cross it.

You're designing a kid. A loser kid! He's already getting pummeled at recess.

Dr. Gregory House: He asked for my advice before he switched you off the placebo. I told him to do it if he loved you.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: He only thinks he loves me.
Dr. Gregory House: It's the same thing! Yes, he's an idiot. You didn't ask him to do anything, you're pissed off that he did. So let him torch his career to pay for his sins. Unless you actually feel something for the idiot. In which case, you might want to tell him to turn around.

Dr. Gregory House: Speaking of which, how are your two baby girls?
Dr. Chi Park: Wow! Twins. Congratulations.
Dr. Gregory House: Awkward. He knocked up two different women at the same time, at least that's what he thinks he did.

Three rules for hunting fungus: location, location, location.

Dr. Eric Foreman: What's House up to? He hasn't asked me for anything. He's been incredibly well behaved. He's doing his clinic hours.
Dr. James Wilson: That is a sign of concern.

She's lost everything and you're breaking fingers. A new low.

Solving puzzles, saving lives is just collateral damage.

Dr. Jessica Adams: I know when House went to prison you quit medicine. You don't do that unless...
Dr. Robert Chase: I didn't quit. I took a vacation. I knew when he got out, I'd get my job back.
Dr. Jessica Adams: House didn't even know he'd be coming back.
Dr. Robert Chase: I had faith.
Dr. Jessica Adams: Now that has baggage stamped all over it.

Dr. James Wilson: And you blew it.
Dr. Gregory House: Technically...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You idiot! I was free and clear. Now he's coming and it's your fault!
Dr. James Wilson: Since when have your failed attempts at communication through lies become my fault?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Since you forgot how to keep your mouth shut! You messed it up, and now you're gonna fix it! And you're gonna keep my name out of it!

As much as I'd like to kill you by dangerously lowering your blood sugar, murder would violate my parole.

If you could think of everything yourself, you wouldn't need a team to annoy.

Dr. Robert Chase: Office romances are a bad idea.
Dr. Robert Chase: We beat some very long odds.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Wow. I mean, save the gushy stuff for the wedding.

Dr. Eric Foreman: My job is to be the jerk. House has to believe I have authority over him.
Dr. James Wilson: He can't function under someone's thumb.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I know which means you can't go either.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Your job is to be his friend -to stay here and watch the fight on pay-per-view while bitching about me. If we both do our jobs, we might actually get him through his parole.

Dr. Gregory House: He's got a temperature of 103.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And why do we care?
Dr. Gregory House: Because we're human beings. It's what we do.

Dr. Chris Taub: Funny how the two people in the room who think relationships are easy, are both single.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: I don't think they're easy. That's why I think if you find something that could be good, you should hang on to it.
Dr. Chris Taub: Everything could be good. Very little ever is.

You know how I got interested in medicine? When my mother drank, she couldn't handle me, so she locked me in my father's study. Only so many hours you can cry and bang the door before you give up and try and find something to read. We all have family disfunction. Tha

You're angry because your kid died - more than that because you don't have an answer. People need answers.

I can run like the wind, but I can't think.

You gave birth to a freak of nature. Doesn't mean it's a good idea to treat him like one.

Dr. James Wilson: Why do you care if he works on two cases?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Because next it'll be 3 cases, then 4. Then animal cases and ghost cases. And then animal ghost cases. Assuming we are talking about House.

Tell Cuddy I want Ketamine.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where are you going?
Dr. Gregory House: Nowhere. Staying right here so we can properly discuss this.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: I think there's something wrong with House.
Dr. James Wilson: Who's he making miserable now?

Dr. Robert Chase: He's not in prison; It's kinda hard to gas a guy unless you can seal him in a room first.
Dr. Gregory House: Which is why Arceus created the universe with three states of matter, and three hundred solid and liquid poisons that could cause these symptoms.
Dr. Chris Taub: Arceus?
Dr. Gregory House: Look it up.

Relax, I'm not gonna burn you again. I'm going to STAB you!

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Pain could be caused by a blind uterus hidden in his abdomen. He needs an MRI.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Right, boy with girl genes. I'm sure you're the first doctor brilliant enough to check for a uterus.

With great power comes great micromanaging.

Gorgeous women do not go to medical school... unless, they're as damaged as they are beautiful.

House, you don't use hunches. You always have reasons. This hospital doesn't exist for your whims.

So the tumor's not in the cool neighborhood. It's cool neighborhood adjacent.

Lots of people don't have sex. The only people who don't want sex are either sick, dead or lying.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I was paged?
Nick: Whoa! I would do her in a minute with fudge and cherry on top. Would someone please explain to this woman, there's only so many apologies I can...
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: He has Frontal Lobe Disinhibition.

Dr. James Wilson: Two people are happy and your natural impulse is to destroy it.
Dr. Gregory House: How do you know she's happy? She tell you?
Dr. James Wilson: No. Chirping birds flew out of her butt carrying a banner.

Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think?

I'd turn around and shoot you but apparently I'd miss.

I need thirty-six Vicodin and change for a dollar.

Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click "yes, I am 18." Even a 17-year-old could figure that out.

Well, that one clearly took evasive action.

I'm your doctor. You've been good to me and good to this hospital. Of course I care, but I don't see how this conversation could end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair, or she's not having an affair, and you have come here because you rightly think I should fire him, but I can't, even if it cost me your money. The son-on-a-bitch is the best doctor we have.

I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what The Rock was cookin'.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Confirm she's faking or I'm going to have to kick her out.
Dr. Gregory House: There's that voice again.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'll give you 24 hours.
Dr. Gregory House: Consecutive?

Dr. Jessica Adams: Do you think people can change?
Dr. Robert Chase: No. But I don't think that's gonna change your opinion, because... people don't change.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I thought everybody lied?
Dr. Gregory House: Truth begins in lies.

Dr. James Wilson: You're just like any other patient. Running away from knowledge that won't make you happy.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm as happy as a pig in poop.
Dr. James Wilson: You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a... torturous window to the good life.
Dr. Gregory House: What part of "poop" didn't you understand?

Dr. Gregory House: Here puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Say "puss" one more time. It's the sixth puss that really does it.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym. Those who can't move their arms or legs teach us to laugh at others.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Is your leg hurting?
Dr. Gregory House: Is that question relevant?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're leaning.
Dr. Gregory House: You're sitting.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're evading.
Dr. Gregory House: My head's hurting.

Dr. Eric Foreman: House is brilliant. I give him the benefit of the doubt most of the time because I've seen what he can do.
Dr. Walter Cofield: Getting House out of prison is the biggest decision you've made as Dean of Medicine, right? And if he's suspended as a result of this hearing, he violates his parole and he goes back. And that probably leaves you as former Dean of Medicine.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I suppose so.
Dr. Walter Cofield: You didn't choose me to oversee this because you thought I could be objective. You chose me because you thought I'd have your back and I'd think twice about making a decision that would get you fired.
Dr. Walter Cofield: Eric, I'm sorry, but if your get-House-out-of-jail-free experiment blows up in your face, it's not my job to get you out of it.

I'm proud of you.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Why are you pushing the crash cart?
Dr. Gregory House: Because patients sometimes crash, and they haven't yet invented a crash tractor for me to drive wildly around the hallways.

Dr. Walter Cofield: Were you angry with Dr. House?
Dr. Robert Chase: It was a prank. It wasn't uncommon.
Dr. Walter Cofield: So I've heard. That doesn't mean you couldn't get angry. Might actually contribute to that reaction.
Dr. Robert Chase: May I ask why that matters? Are you trying to prove that I was distracted, that my judgment was compromised?
Dr. Walter Cofield: Who do you think was at fault for what happened to you, Dr. Chase?
Dr. Robert Chase: Again, why does it matter?
Dr. Walter Cofield: You're a smart doctor. You know what happened here better than anyone, and you've worked with Dr. House longer than anyone and I suspect that you've spent every minute since this has happened trying to answer that very question.
Dr. Robert Chase: I don't think it was anyone's fault. I was angry, but I wasn't distracted. And I think that, if there's any chance I'm gonna walk again, it's because Dr. House is a genius.

Rebecca Adler: I wanted to thank Dr. House, but he never visited again.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He cured you. You didn't cure him.

What's gonna happen here is that someone's getting a buttload of morphine. I'm not sure exactly who at this point.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: "No, Mr. Bond - I expect you to die."

Dr. Gregory House: [When House and his team are at Chase's bedside] Lungs, rash, now excessive RR variability. Go.
Dr. Chris Taub: It's a hospital. There are lots of doctors who can take care of him.
Dr. Gregory House: And your thinking is that only you guys are qualified to sit in this room doing nothing? If you're motivated by caring, just bear in mind, he's a dedicated chemistry teacher with a pretty wife and adoring students, baby on the way.
Dr. Jessica Adams: She's not pregnant.
Dr. Gregory House: Would it make a difference? 'Cause I could knock her up. Autonomic dysregulation...
Dr. Jessica Adams: Shut up.

Dr. Gregory House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: True, better be true and you're a pig.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Why are you still alive?
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: I'm not sure.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I guess he was impressed that you stood up to him. And got a cat to pee on his chair.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Yeah. A cat.

If she likes crippled guys, I'm free for the next six minutes.

Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-rider jeans are hot.

Dr. Gregory House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: True, better be true and you're a pig.

She's the smart one. I just keep Dark and Darker to fill out the quota.

Who knew Mother Inferior was a smoking hottie. No wonder you're playing handsies with her.

Oh, crap. Another reason I don't like meeting patients - they don't know what you look like, they can't yell at you.

Whose side are you on, senator? First respect his wishes, then invade Iraq, then get the troops home. Make up your mind.

If you can't bring Mohammed to Princeton, bring Princeton to Mohammed. My diagnostics posse: Hot, Dark and Darker.

Dr. Eric Foreman: You don't have to work for House, but you do owe me twenty clinic hours.
Dr. Robert Chase: What? Getting knife doesn't buy me an extension?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Buys you whatever you need, but I know you. If all you do is physical therapy and your nighttime version of it, you'll loose your mind faster than your regain of your fine motor skills.

You can't order a thirty-two hundred dollar DNA test to win a bet!

Dr. James Wilson: Worried about meeting your one-patient-a-week quota?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm a cripple, remember? Accommodations must be made.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Bought my first girlfriend a necklace. It was silver. It cost 180 bucks. Had to save for six months. She hated it.
Lee: Really, seriously? Did you tell this story to someone who could walk away?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Never bought another girlfriend jewelry again. Until Dr. Hadley.
Lee: You're dating her? You might want to start all your stories with that.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Same thing. She didn't even wear it.
Lee: The diamond thing? She was wearing it the other day.
Dr. Eric Foreman: If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. Apparently, I suck at picking out jewelry, but at least have the guts to tell me.
Lee: Okay, getting boring again. How long till we know if this treatment is working?

Dr. Robert Chase: Really? George Washingbaum?
Dr. Chris Taub: He was a character in the Flintsteins.

It's dangerous. It could kill him. You should do it.

My parents loved me unconditionally. Get out of here.

Dr. Gregory House: You know how you hate it when I meddle in your lies... uh, I mean your life?
Dr. James Wilson: Why are you being so evasive unless you have something to evade?

House is a dictator. Second in command is a meaningless position.

Dr. Gregory House: Thirty percent of all dads out there don't realize they're raising someone else's kid.
Dr. Eric Foreman: From what I've read, false paternity is more like ten percent.
Dr. Gregory House: That's what our moms would LIKE us to believe.

Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, I kind of feel like a bagel.

This is gonna mean months of sleepless nights wondering if I could've done something differently. Maybe it's not that I'm sick of House... it's that I'm sick of being scared out of my mind to go to work every day.

Dr. Gregory House: You know what this means?
Dr. James Wilson: Your mom's a slut?
Dr. Gregory House: That, and she's not as boring as I thought she was.

Dr. Eric Foreman: He probably just moved. Nobody stays perfectly still for their entire MRI.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, probably got restless and shifted one hemisphere of his brain to a more comfortable position.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She has a mole on her right breast just below the nipple.
Dr. Gregory House: No she doesn't.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Don't toy with him. If you're going to fire him...
Dr. Gregory House: Fact that he stole your idea means that he cares enough to lie. That's all I needed to know.

Dr. Jessica Adams: We see people with disabilities all the time, but seeing and understanding are not the same.
Dr. Robert Chase: Are you talking to me, or writing a Facebook post?

Dr. Gregory House: [seeing Dan on a computer screen] General Hospital is on channel 6.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Dan's brain's not showing channel 6 right now, only mush.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You've seen her breasts?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went, "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House."

If he's gonna do anything for love...

Dr. Jessica Adams: You want to reject our current diagnosis because he... he had a few grey hairs, panicked and shaved his head?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm gonna reject your current diagnosis because I think we're wrong and treating for wrong diagnoses can result in side effects like death.

Yes, concerned parents can be so annoying.

Dr. James Wilson: That was sensitive.
Dr. Gregory House :You have pretty hair.

Either we have all the clues and we're idiots or we don't have all the clues.

Yes, concerned parents can be so annoying.

Oh, come on. This isn't because I was speeding. This is because I'm Latino.

If he's gonna do anything for love...

Dr. Jessica Adams: I'm not saying he is definitely sick. I'm just saying we should look into it.
Dr. Robert Chase: No, we shouldn't. If you believes House is sick, it's only because that's wants you to believe.

Dr. Gregory House: When did my signature get so girly?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I can explain.

Sometimes an ass is just an ass.

Either we have all the clues and we're idiots or we don't have all the clues.

Dr. Gregory House: The sound of a needy child is stirring your paternal juices.
Dr. James Wilson: The sound of a needy child at 112 decibels has stirred my inner murderer. Don't mess with me.

My exes have usually been black, so what? Its not a racial thing, its cultural. I have more in common with them, like, I assume you only date emotionally stunted bigots.

I'm sorry. I've hired a grief counselor I'm sure none of you will see. And I'm offering time off which I'm sure none of you will take, but just know it's available.

Dr. James Wilson: You think I'm going to quit on this? On an 11-year-old?
Dr. Gregory House: The only relationship you haven't quit on has been with me.
Dr. James Wilson: Hmm. A needy, truculent narcissist. I think it's been perfect training for parenthood.

It's not gonna work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game, and I'm gonna win because I got a head start: You are already miserable.

Dr. James Wilson: Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.

Dr. Gregory House: So, what can shred an epiglottis and make muscle disappear?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Mr. and Mrs. Kutner. They caused Kutner's death. Why not Charlotte's?
Dr. Gregory House: Mourning period's over. Foreman's sense of irony is back.

Dr. Gregory House: Roomies with benefits keeping you up?
Dr. Robert Chase: Cribbage. I played with Park's Popo.
Dr. Gregory House: Is that two separate events?

Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.

Dr. Gregory House: How much morphine is the husband on?
Dr. Robert Chase: We can't increase it anymore. His respirations are depressed.
Dr. Gregory House: Decrease it! Drugs cloud people's judgment. Cold turkey the sucker.

Dr. Chris Taub: Kutner wanted to die, Charlotte doesn't. So in a contest for my concern and interest, she wins.
Dr. Robert Chase: Okay. Either you're a cold-hearted bastard or you're too miserable to face it. Go home and cry.

According to your psych eval, the only thing happier than you is Disneyland.

Dr. James Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.

Nice audible, Peyton!

Dr. Gregory House: Motives for murder.
Thirteen: House, it was a suicide. The police have already investigated.
Dr. Gregory House: They investigated what they saw, not what they didn't saw. Talk to friends, classmates, pizza delivery guy. And draft Foreman. He can make calls through his tears.
Thirteen: No.
Dr. Gregory House: Is that "No, I'm not calling my boyfriend, who apparently called my boss instead of me to say he wasn't coming in?" cause it's really not fair to have that much subtext in one syllable.
Thirteen: We all want to know why Kutner did it, but we're not gonna waste time chasing ghosts.

Dr. Robert Chase: See tomorrow.
Dr. Jessica Adams: Do you... going get a drink?
Dr. Robert Chase: To annoy Park or to prove House is wrong?

Dr. Gregory House: It was so perfect. It was beautiful.
Dr. James Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. Gregory House: And triteness kicks us in the nuts!

Did you tell him that statistics also say he's a big fat idiot?

Dr. Gregory House: His history said the environmental kamikaze was single.
Franni: He um, he probably didn't want me to worry. He told me he was in jail with some of the other protesters.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. No worries there.

Dr. Chi Park: Have you ever paid for sex?
Dr. Chris Taub: Every guy who has ever seen a Merchant-Ivory movie has paid for sex

Dr. Eric Foreman: Not for long, he wants to be discharged!
Dr. Gregory House: Of course he does. Places to go, people to eat!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you in love with House?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You are not concerned about me... you're marking your territory.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You shouldn't be involved with House. Neither should I. Neither should anyone. You and Chase are good together. Don't screw it up.

Dr. Chris Taub: Give the band guy a call.
Dr. Chi Park: I'm not that good at guitar.
Dr. Chris Taub: Or flirting, or small talk.
Dr. Chi Park: I'm not as pretty as Adams, I have stuffy clothes and I hate my hair.
Dr. Chris Taub: Adams works eighty hours a week fixing bunions on hobos because she *can't* face getting to know someone new. Trust me, you find a boyfriend, she'll be the jealous one.

The most successful marriages are based on lies. You're off to a great start.

Dr. Gregory House: Cameron sees a clump of dirt and she thinks of me.
Dr. James Wilson: Or a lump of something else.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: Maybe he's looking for someone to mother him after what happened.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Only kind of mothering House wants involves a bullwhip, leather diapers, and a credit card.

If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.

House's House of Whining. State your complaint.

You're not on the guest list. Bachelor parties are an ancient sacred male rite of passage.

People who live in glass hospitals should not throw exorcisms.

Dr. Gregory House: Get up. We're going hunting.
Dr. Eric Foreman: For what?
Dr. Gregory House: Wabbits.

Quid pro quo, Clarice.

Must've left it in his pants which he wasn't wearing when the police found him trying to walk home, oddly from his own apartment.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Why not? As long as he doesn't feed the kid anything or put anything on his skin that we haven't verified is harmless, what's the problem?
Dr. Gregory House: I agree. And since we're establishing a new policy of "What the hell, we'll try anything," I'd like to hire Shakira to belly dance while singing "Waka Waka."

Dr. Gregory House: How's Cameron?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Dr. Cameron?
Dr. Gregory House: Sure. Let's start with her and then move on to all the other Camerons we know.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm sorry. I'm just not used to you asking about someone's well-being.
Dr. Gregory House: I can understand how the question would surprise you. I didn't quite get how it would confuse you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Why do you wanna know?
Dr. Gregory House: Why do you wanna know why I wanna know?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Just... curious.
Dr. Gregory House: Me, too.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You don't get curious.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm the most curious man in the world.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Not about trivialities.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, then, this must not be trivial.

Sorry. If I'd known he was going to be this annoying I would have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. At least she appreciates my brooding melancholy.

Dr. Eric Foreman: So you're okay with House getting Chase smashed enough to make a stupid mistake?
Thirteen: Being drunk doesn't change who you are, it just reveals it.

Dr. Gregory House: I had sex with Dominika.
Dr. James Wilson: In a dream?
Dr. Gregory House: It wasn't literally sex. Technically, it was flossing. You know, teeth, testicles. I think the symbolism is pretty clear.

Dr. James Wilson: I'm still amazed you're actually in the same room with a patient.
Dr. Gregory House: People don't bug me until they get teeth.

Michael Tritter: Mind if we talk a few minutes?
Michael Tritter: How many pills would you say Dr. House takes a day?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm uncomfortable setting a number.
Michael Tritter: Hmm. Try.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Six.
Michael Tritter: A day.
Michael Tritter: Has he ever had you... write prescriptions for him?
Dr. Allison Cameron: No. What is it you want me to say? That he takes too many pills and is a danger to the hospital or he takes too few because he's selling them on the side? Either one is ridiculous.
Michael Tritter: I meant the former.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're wrong.
Michael Tritter: Can I ask what Dr. House has done to deserve your loyalty? He's not known as a great boss. He's not even much of a friend. I mean, look how he left Dr. Wilson holding the bag.
Michael Tritter: It's odd. You don't know about that. You defend him, and he won't even tell you what's happening in his life.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Think she can do the broken cowboy?
Thirteen: God, I hope so.

Dr. Chris Taub: Can you please hint to House that you had a sex dream? I'd really prefer not to get distracted with trying to cure the patient today.
Dr. Jessica Adams: I refuse to divulge my dreams about girl-on-girl loofa action.

It's easier to die than to watch someone die.

Hmmm, good idea. Ignore the symptoms. Makes your job easy.

Dr. Robert Chase: Cameron is not going to be happy about this party.
Dr. Gregory House: But you on the other hand...
Dr. Robert Chase: Plan on spending the rest of my life with Cameron.
Dr. Gregory House: So... I need the cancel the Fart Band?
Dr. Robert Chase: So I need you to kidnap me.
Dr. Gregory House: Spoken like a true Aussie.

You don't want a second opinion. You're already on your fifth. You got Evans at Mercy, Shaw at County, Foster at Johns Hopkins. And every one of them has given you the same advice. You're nuts. You don't just want chemo. You want a dose so high, there's a one-in-three chance it'll kill you outright. Question is, why didn't you tell me? Because you knew I'd stop you. Which means you've already found someone insane enough or desperate enough to give you what amounts to a death dose of chemicals, but who would be that stupid? I'm thinking that the who is you.

Candy canes? Are you mocking me?

Can't you see his heart is fine? Stop torturing him! What kind of doctor are you?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Think she can do the broken cowboy?
Thirteen: God, I hope so.

Dr. Eric Foreman: She knows more about her daughter's genetic condition than any of you. She'll be an asset.
Dr. Robert Chase: Or she won't, Eric.
Dr. Eric Foreman: This isn't a request. Use her.

She has God inside of her. Would have been easier to deal with a tumor.

Okay, fine! I'll father your child! But first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay.

See, problem with speculation is you make a speck out of you and some guy named Lation.

I am not going to die slowly in a hospital bed under fluorescent lighting with people stopping by to gawk and lie about how I look. Even a small chance of that happening is too big a chance for me.

You know how it is with nuns, you take out their IUDs, they just bounce right back.

She married a dying guy. She has issues. You cannot leave her... ever! For any reason, because then you're not just the guy who left her, you're the guy who killed her kids.

Dr. Jessica Adams: Anyone studying A-T would be researching it.
Dr. Robert Chase: How? Do you see any lab rats down here? The only cage I saw is right there.

Okay, let's just get this patient healthy. I want her going out the front door and not the back.

Dr. James Wilson: I have a patient. I need...
Dr. Gregory House: Not now!
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'll go.
Dr. Gregory House: You'll stay. Patient's dying.
Dr. James Wilson: So's mine.
Dr. Gregory House: Not in the next hour.

Dr. Chris Taub: What if we put her on a heart-lung machine?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: She's septic. We don't need a heart-lung machine. We need a blood-vessel-hold-her-together machine.

Dr. Chris Taub: House taking time off is a bad sign.
Dr. Jessica Adams: A bad sign. You think the apocalypse is coming because House wants to be there for Wilson?
Dr. Chris Taub: Yes. You're new.

Dr. James Wilson: You wanna come over for Christmas dinner?
Dr. Gregory House: You're Jewish.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, Hanukkah dinner. What... what do you care? It's food. It's people.

Dr. Gregory House: Luckily, Alice Hartman has a mom who is willing to see reason.
Judge: You were in here yesterday telling me her father's guardianship was best for her.
Dr. Gregory House: I honestly figured I'd get a different judge today.

Dr. James Wilson: Wow. This is fantastic! How are you going to screw it up?
Dr. Gregory House: Several good options. Unfortunately I don't think she's going to give me the pleasure, she left before I woke up and five minutes ago she told me that I'm just an employee.

People don't change. You are a person. Ergo...

She's six! She's cute, she can't have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just wrong! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die of terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail, and it's because cowards like you won't stand up and do what's required! You can sit around and moan about who's the bigger weakling. I'm gonna go do my job.

Dr. Gregory House: Admit it - you're curious why I want to make her angry.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm sure it's convoluted, wrong, and stupid.

If you get an ear in the mail, it's probably mine.

Self-sacrifice is not a symptom of schizophrenia. It excludes the diagnosis.

We are gonna use this machine to clean your blood. It goes out of you and through the filter like the filter in a fish tank. So it's kinda cool actually.

People who get close to you get hurt, that's a fact. You're also a valued doctor in this hospital, that's another fact. From now on, I'm going to focus on the second fact.

All I wanted was some meaningless fun, and I couldn't even last three days.

Dr. Eric Foreman: He's really talking to a patient?
Dr. Robert Chase: I don't know who I am anymore.

Beckett was going to call his play "Waiting for House's Approval" but decided it was too grim.

Dr. Robert Chase: You don't have doubts. You just don't want to kill the only thing left of someone you loved.
Dr. Robert Chase: Don't do it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I do have trouble giving things up. For example Dr. Allison Cameron: I never cancelled any of our wedding plans.

You want to lie to a guy who's favorite pastime is getting doctors fired?

I think they're choosing a movie.

I'm gonna need 30 pieces of silver.

I need to turn Wilson from a terminal idiot to an interminable pain in the ass.

I will talk no more of books or the long war / But walk by the dry thorn until I have found/ Some beggar sheltering from the wind, and there/ Manage the talk until her name come round./ If there be rags enough he will know her name/ And be well pleased remembering it, for in the old days/ Though she had young men's praise and old men's blame/ Among the poor both the old and young gave her praise.

Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, maybe Chase screwed up.
Dr. Robert Chase: You always end there, just getting a jump on it.

I am a lot better. No painkillers. No hallucinations. Leg hurts. But it's manageable. Great job. Gonna miss you. Want to start missing you, as soon as possible.

You're the only one I listen to. The last couple of days I didn't and I almost killed my patient. I think it's time for you to accept that you're just smarter than I am.

Is a lie a lie if everybody knows it's a lie?

I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.

Things change, doesn't mean they get better. You gotta make things better. You can't just keep talking and hoping for the best.

I find your interest... interesting.

You like needing help when you want something off the high shelf? Not being able to press an elevator button above the eighth floor, having to smell ass every time you stand in line? You don't need growth hormone. It's just your ticket out of the freak show.

When I watch that transformation, sorry, I don't believe that we're just a bag of chemicals.

I didn't realize it was possible for a woman to be "unusually" irritable.

Normal's not normal if you're not normal.

Bed is for sissies. Unless you're having sex, in which case... no, bed is still for sissies.

I don't owe you anything. Our entire relationship has been about you. My dying is about me.

Patient throws up on your shoes. D'you clean up MOST of it?

One of you is probably right. Why not we hold the sniping until we found that which?

Dr. Eric Foreman: I want to run the department.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You consider waiting until House clears the lobby before you start angling for his job?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's not dead, or sentimental. And somebody needs to do it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Not necessarily, Departments of Diagnostic Medicine don't exist. The only reason we have one is because... of House.

Dr. Chris Taub: You know he just doesn't want to live in pain.
Dr. Gregory House: Life is pain! I wake up every morning in pain! Work is pain! You know how many times I just wanted to give up? How many times I've thought about ending it?

It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, did the complications increase exponentially with cup size?

Dr. Eric Foreman: Where's Cuddy?
Dr. Gregory House: In this drawer. It's a rescue mission, but I got it under control. You can leave.

Dr. James Wilson: We know you're back on Vicodin.
Dr. Gregory House: No, the only thing you know is that I'm a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don't know how I did it, or more interestingly where I peed.

Dr. James Wilson: When the cancer starts getting really bad...
Dr. Gregory House: Cancer's boring.

You're ordering tests to cover your lechery. Interesting.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] You just don't want a cancer diagnosis because then you'd have to deal with Wilson.
Dr. Gregory House: Lung cancer is a lame diagnosis. Avoiding Wilson is an added bonus.

Dr. James Wilson: You're destroying your entire life. You can't go back from this. You'll go to jail for years. You can never be a doctor again.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm dead, Wilson. How do you want to spend your last five months?

Dr. Gregory House: Well, as long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. Gregory House: So between us we can do anything. We can rule the world!

"You are a ray of sunshine... on a cloudy day."

Oh my God... it's three years ago! Does that mean I'm still crazy?

Dr. James Wilson: You think he could have done something stupid?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I think stupid is our best case scenario.

Dr. Wilson: I love my wife.
Dr. Gregory House: You certainly love saying it.

Male menopause. High estrogen, low testosterone. Explains the temperature swings, disorientation. Endocrinologically similar to female menopause but without the vaginas and mah-jong tiles.

Thought I had detected the sickly sweet smell of maple syrup and socialized medicine.

You were curious - like an eight-year-old boy with a puzzle that's just a little too grown up for him to figure out.

You make everyone around you worse for being there. The only bright spot is that now I own your ass.

Dr. Allison Cameron: She's being coerced.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If she is... I'd rather have a needle prick on my conscience than the death of her family members.

I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son, you're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification - it's a beautiful thing.

Dr. James Wilson: You're a coward, House. You find fault in everybody because you're afraid to look at yourself.
Dr. Gregory House: Thanks. I was running short on platitudes. You can leave now.

Dr. Robert Chase: Your choice is to send bands of drunk crazed children to massacre an entire people?
Dibala: Don't ask me questions you don't want to know the answers to.
Dr. Robert Chase: I saved your life. I deserve to know what you're planning to...
Dibala: Whatever it takes to protect my country!

Dr. Gregory House: They're out there. Doctors, lawyers, postal workers. Some of them doing great. Some of them doing lousy. Are you going to base your whole life on who you got stuck in a room with?
Eve: I'm going to base this moment on who I'm stuck in a room with. It's what life is. It's a series of rooms and who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.

Don't usually see brain damage after a rectal biopsy.

Maternal instinct is always irrational. Doesn't mean it's wrong.

We are selfish base animals crawling across the earth, but because we got brains, if we try real hard we can occasionally aspire to something that is less than pure evil.

Dr. Eric Foreman: When is he getting his license back so we can stop playing this game?
Dr. Gregory House: Maybe never. This game is fun.

Dr. Allison Cameron: Oh-ho. Deflecting a personal question with a joke. Gee, who do I know that does THAT?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, I'm just like him - except for the angry, bitter, pompous cripple part.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Maybe we should all pitch in and get you a nice cane. You already have the matching gym shoes.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'll pay you $10 for every patient you diagnose without touching. You pay me $10 for every one you have to touch.
Dr. Gregory House: You're making this into a game for me from which I can only conclude this isn't a game for you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No.
Dr. Gregory House: Why? You think if I deal with enough people, I'll find some humanity?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yes.

Dr. Gregory House: By the way, someone screwed over your girlfriend. She ran to me, Cuddy, and Wilson... everyone, but you. She's not over you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Or she is.

Hey. I'm a man. I don't have time for laundry. I'm savin' lives here.

Are we role-playing? Am I you? I don't want to be you.

Whether you want to be in charge or not, you *are*. And you always will be.

You took a chance, you did something great. You were wrong, but it was still great. You should feel great that it was great. You should feel like crap that it was wrong. That's the difference between him and me. He thinks you do your job, and what will be will be. I think that what I do and what you do matters. He sleeps better at night. He shouldn't.

Dr. Gregory House: Sweet ride. I asked for the one with a sissy bar and a banana seat, but Santa gave me this instead. Guess that's what I get for being naughty.
Dr. Julie Whitner: You must be Dr. House.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. So, looks like there's been some sort of mix-up at the parking office.
Dr. Julie Whitner: They had to move me closer to the door.
Dr. Gregory House: Had to? You don't look like the type to pull a weapon.
Dr. Julie Whitner: Wheelchair.
Dr. Gregory House: Cane. I think you should do the honorable thing, let me have my space back.
Dr. Julie Whitner: Oh well, uh... since you asked so nicely, wheelchair.
Dr. Gregory House: Cane! Walking long distances makes my leg hurt.
Dr. Julie Whitner: And it's easy for me?
Dr. Gregory House: Of course not. Pushing that little lever? The muscles must burn. I'm sure the last 10 yards are pure torture.
Dr. Julie Whitner: Crossing the parking lot is dangerous. Cars can't see me.
Dr. Gregory House: You ever hit a patch of black ice with a cane?
Dr. Julie Whitner: No, gosh, on account of the fact that I can't walk. Maybe you should ask the parking office for some crampons.
Dr. Gregory House: This is about who can most easily cross the parking lot. You're the winner.
Dr. Julie Whitner: Oh, and the prize is apparently a parking space.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley: I told you Thailand!
Dr. Gregory House: I assumed you were lying. Because it would have been idiotic of you to tell me the truth. Yet another reason I have no use for you.

Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up.

Dr. Eric Foreman: Change is hard, trust me, I know. But it worked out for me.
Stevie Lipa: You're a successful doctor. Your name is on journal articles. I would love that. It's just... I see you with doctors Chase and Cameron. You all got empty ring fingers. You're alone.

Think the autopsy's going to have to wait a little bit.

You're talking about your penis in the third person.

You know what's pathetic is, you haven't gotten help because you want to feel bad. You want to suffer. 'Cause if you feel guilty, then you're not a psychopath. Patient needs some Carbamazepine. Now, I don't care how much that room scares you. You're doing your job.

And hang on to that DNR. That signature could be worth a lot of money real soon.

Oh my God. You're not wearing a bra!

You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking.

Hi, again. And I'm sure I can say this without being condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you, so... you're a kid, you're scared, you're stalling, Grow up.

Dr. Eric Foreman: He was briefly conscious, then his systolic dipped below sixty and he was out again.
Dr. Gregory House: Differential diagnosis for resurrection - go.

Don Herrick: So, what does a dean of medicine do?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, can we please not talk about that. I will talk about anything else, but I'm just trying to get away from work.
Don Herrick: Metaphorically. Because, geographically the coffee place around the corner from the hospital probably isn't the furthest you could get.

OK, I am not ready to transition from my dead girlfriend's shrine to your... morning glory. I'll have a mattress delivered and set up for you in the tabernacle. I just need it Tuesdays for animal sacrifices... Oh man. Ugh!

Dr. Eric Foreman: You make enough calls, one of 'em is bound to be right.
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, he's just a lucky, lucky guy.

Dr. Robert Chase: Happy Valentine's Day.
Dr. Allison Cameron: A holiday that only applies to people who are already paired up. For everyone else, it's Wednesday.
Dr. Robert Chase: Wow. Thank you for that dash of cold water.

I was gonna come see you. Figure out where things would go from there. That was the morning I got the call from the Dean. And I was expelled from my first Med School. Didn't seem any point.

I know that limp. I know the empty ring finger. And that obsessive nature of yours, that's a big secret. You don't risk jail and your career to save somebody doesn't want to be saved unless you got something, anything... one thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatever, that's because they ain't got that one thing that... that hits them that hard and that true. I got music. You got THIS, the thing you think about all the time, thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great, makes us the best. All we miss out on is everything else - no woman waiting at home after work with a drink and a kiss. That ain't gonna happen for us.

I'm a mother now. I need a guy I can count on every single day. That's never been House.

Okay, you two, grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.