Dan Humphrey Quotes

That's Miss Carr? I guess she has Benjamin Button syndrome.

How about instead of pain, you try to feel good things? I could tickle you.

Gossip Girl: Spotted: Dan Humphrey, shoeless and clueless. That's all.

I can't. I've got to go home and stare at my phone.

Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist.

Serena van der Woodsen: Hey. Didn't expect to find you here, staring at babies.
Dan Humphrey: Turns out I'm a big fan of babies.

Dan Humphrey: Blair... Say life is giving you signs, and you're ignoring them because you're afraid of the thing they're signaling you to do. But-but then-but then you think, what if these signs are here for a reason and-and ignoring them just makes me a coward?
Blair Waldorf: Signs are for the religious, the superstitious, and the lower class. I don't believe in them and neither should you.

Vanessa Abrams: Stop talking.
Dan Humphrey: You know I'm not good at that.
Vanessa Abrams: I think I can help.

Dan Humphrey: You could have died.
Chuck Bass: Is being dead so much worse than being nothing?

Blair Waldorf: We can't do nothing for three days. Who knows how far Juliet could get in that time?
Dan Humphrey: Yeah. I think we just gotta tell my dad and Lily. What Juliet did with these pills is against the law.
Blair Waldorf: Police and Parents. Of course that's your plan, Humphrey. Or we could sneak in to see Serena.
Blair Waldorf: That receptionist got a pretty good look at me, but maybe with a wig...
Dan Humphrey: That's your plan? Disguises and accents?
Blair Waldorf: I never said anything about accents. Can you do any?

Dan Humphrey: Hey, Jenny! Jenny! Please tell me what you're doing here, starting with "Dad knows", and ending with "these drinks are not for me."
Jenny Humphrey: Since I haven't actually talked to Dad today, no. But these drinks are for Nate and Chuck.
Dan Humphrey: What are you doing with Nate and Chuck?
Jenny Humphrey: Well, Nate's my friend, and Chuck's totally harmless unless this place runs out of ice.

Dan Humphrey: Now, what's so urgent?
Blair Waldorf: I wanted to tell you... that you were right... about that... thing.
Dan Humphrey: And now, which thing was that?
Blair Waldorf: I, Blair Waldorf, need Dan Humphrey's help.
Dan Humphrey: As a friend and peer, not as an underling.
Blair Waldorf: As my friend and peer, not my underling.

Dan Humphrey: Hey, what are you doing up here?
Nate Archibald: Meeting Serena. You too?
Dan Humphrey: Why do I feel like we've been here before.

Dan Humphrey: Problem solved! What could be friendlier than taking a mock photo?
Dan Humphrey: Eh... Photo?

Blair Waldorf: I don't wanna lose everything.
Dan Humphrey: You'll still have me.
Gossip Girl: Maybe it's not bloodbonds that make us a family. Perhaps it's the people who know our secrets and love us anyway, so we can finally be ourselves. XO, XO, Gossip Girl.

Well, as much as I enjoy my current girlfriend talking to my ex-girlfriend about a fake boyfriend who is also my current girlfriend's ex, you could probably get us a copy of that Fallon interview, right?

Vanessa Abrams: Maybe we were too hard on her.
Dan Humphrey: Are you serious? She's Georgina!
Vanessa Abrams: And you're Dan!
Dan Humphrey: And you're Vanessa! This is a fun game.

Serena van der Woodsen: Oh, I can't believe Blair won!
Dan Humphrey: Yeah, who even voted for her?
Chuck Bass: Me. About 150 times. I wasn't putting the Nelly Yuki ballots in, I was taking them out.

Dan Humphrey: Go to your interview, I'll meet you at your apartment, and we'll open it there.
Blair Waldorf: That is much more civilized. Unlike your hair, Humphrey. You look like a muppet.

Dan Humphrey: I told Cassandra that I'm giving you the book rights.
Serena Van Der Woodsen: No, you don't have to do that. I wasn't trying to guilt you into it.
Dan Humphrey: No, I know. I know, but without you inspiring me from the beginning, I wouldn't be able to write anything, so... I owe you one. And despite the events of today, you know... I trust you.

Serena Van Der Woodsen: So, Mr. Screenwriter... Are you ready for your your first ever development meeting?
Dan Humphrey: I think so. As long as you guys don't wanna change the ending. Or the beginning. Or all the stuff in the middle.

Dan Humphrey: Okay! Yeah. I'm... as you can tell by my casual attire, I'm... I'm crashing this party, but... but it's only because I needed to stop whining, start becoming a man of action. And a man of action wouldn't just do nothing. A man of action would, uh, would show up and finally confront the person he's been meaning to have a conversation with for a very long time now. I wouldn't expect you to understand what I'm saying. Who the hell are you people anyway?
Dan Humphrey: Must be friends of the groom.

Dan Humphrey: When you told me about the idea of rewriting the ending of my story, I thought maybe... maybe that's the answer.
Serena Van Der Woodsen: Then what stopped you?
Dan Humphrey: When I saw Blair discover how she felt about Chuck, she was heartbroken. I mean, I've been so consumed about my own feelings I wouldn't let myself see how much she loves Chuck. You were right. She didn't need my confession. She needed my help.
Serena Van Der Woodsen: Wow, that's... that's a really amazing thing to do, Dan.
Dan Humphrey: Well, I mean, I... It wasn't easy, but I do think I can give myself a new ending by making sure that she and Chuck get the ending they deserve. I want her to be happy.

Nate Archibald: Hey, Dan, glad to see you! You know, "Inside" didn't make it into our "Year's Best Book" list. I'm sorry, dude.
Dan Humphrey: Well, it's probably best to keep it in 2011. It's a new year, a new book.
Nate Archibald: What's this one about?
Dan Humphrey: I don't know yet. Which could be why I haven't started writing it.

Chuck Bass: Did you know Blair was back in town?
Dan Humphrey: No. I live in Brooklyn. Without Gossip Girl, I know nothing.

Dan Humphrey: Look, Serena, while we're alone, there's something I wanna say to you...
Serena Van Der Woodsen: Are you fake breaking up with me?

Dan Humphrey: Who was that?
Nate Archibald: Someone I should've remembered. Maybe that's my issue. Paying too much attention to the wrong girls and not enough to the right ones.
Dan Humphrey: Well, off a list of your issues, I'm not sure I'd start with that one.

Blair Waldorf: I wanna apologize. Everything you said was right. I could never have survived this last month without you.
Blair Waldorf: I also know you wrote those vows.
Dan Humphrey: Well, I... you know, Louis asked me to, I-I just... I just tried to write down what I assumed he would love about you.
Blair Waldorf: Well, you did a great job. It's pretty obvious that you care way more about me than Louis. As a friend, of course.
Dan Humphrey: Yeah. Of course.
Blair Waldorf: And I care about you too. Even if I have odd ways of showing it, like bossing you around, or making fun of your hair... Seriously, you should cut it already.
Blair Waldorf: Thank you for helping me. And I really am sorry for maxing out your credit card and not reading your book.
Dan Humphrey: No, you have much bigger problems to deal with. Speaking of, what now?
Blair Waldorf: I know what I have to do. I just need to know that you'll be there for me.
Dan Humphrey: Always.

Dan Humphrey: Well if you came here to tell me what a horrible person I am, you're too late. I already know.
Blair Waldorf: That's not why I came.
Dan Humphrey: You got back together with Chuck?
Blair Waldorf: No.
Dan Humphrey: Are you... moving to a desert island where there are no men at all? You'll be living the rest of your life in peaceful solitude?
Blair Waldorf: No. I told Chuck he doesn't have my heart anymore. I realized it belongs to someone else.
Blair Waldorf: So Dan, are you going to invite me in or what?
Blair Waldorf: What?
Dan Humphrey: You just said my name.
Blair Waldorf: Dan?
Dan Humphrey: You just said it again.
Blair Waldorf: Dan.
Dan Humphrey: Say it again.
Blair Waldorf: Dan.

Look Blair, I'm not trying to be difficult but I don't wanna just melt into your world and lose myself completely. We need a balance.

Georgina Sparks: Dan Humphrey. Come to whisk me away for a secret rendezvous under the Tuscan sun? You're lucky you're on my free-pass list, otherwise Philip might have put up a fuss.
Dan Humphrey: This invitation isn't about seduction, Georgina. It's about scandal.
Georgina Sparks: Can't a girl have both? Philip will understand. We have an open marriage and a mutual understanding of each other.
Dan Humphrey: I need your photographic memory and your passion for social upheaval to help me write another book on the Upper East Side. The book I should have written from the beginning.
Georgina Sparks: Nothing like a scorned lover to scorch the earth. I can hardly wait.

Really? Wisconsin? Do you even know where that is on the map?

Rufus Humphrey: They kicked you out too, didn't they? I saw your piece on Serena. You let me off easy by comparison.
Dan Humphrey: All I did was tell the truth.
Rufus Humphrey: "Your" truth. Everybody has a version... a way of delivering it. It wouldn't have been my choice.
Dan Humphrey: Well, maybe that's why Lily doesn't respect you. Why she chose Bart Bass over you. Her money over you.
Rufus Humphrey: So is this how you become Bart Bass? You become just as cold, devious and evil as those Upper East Siders?
Dan Humphrey: I did what I had to do. Tonight, for the first time in my life, those rich people weren't looking "down" on me. They may have hated me. But I was one of them. Jenny, Vanessa, among others were right. In order to stand up to, face and defeat evil people, you have to become evil.
Rufus Humphrey: Congratulations... I guess. So now that you've achieved that, you can come back to Brooklyn.
Dan Humphrey: What I want isn't in Brooklyn. I'm only staying with you for now because we're still family. I have a plan. I've always had a plan this whole time... and it's working.

Vanessa Abrams: Give her a break. Asher is her first love.
Dan Humphrey: It's infatuation. It's not love.
Georgina Sparks: Yeah, but to a 15-year-old girl, I mean, there really isn't much of a difference.

I've waited my entire adolescent life for a date with this girl and I decide to close the evening with a wave.

Chuck Bass: What are you doing here?
Dan Humphrey: Why, what is this? Your hotel?
Nate Archibald: Actually, it is.

Chuck Bass: What are you doing here?
Dan Humphrey: Why, what is this? Your hotel?
Nate Archibald: Actually, it is.

Jenny Humphrey: You have nothing to lose.
Dan Humphrey: No, nothing except my last shred of dignity.
Jenny Humphrey: Oh no, I think that's gone.

In an ironic - though not totally unexpected - twist, Nate got the one I wanted.

Serena van der Woodsen: I'm so, so sorry about that.
Dan Humphrey: And I'm so, so ready to hang up.

Blair Waldorf: Serena sent you here to talk to me?
Dan Humphrey: No believe it or not I actually came here myself.
Blair Waldorf: Normally I wouldn't be this close to you without a tetanus shot.

How long can a man have a piggy bank and still call himself a man?

Dan Humphrey: I'm saving you.
Serena van der Woodsen: [upset] I don't need to be saved.
Dan Humphrey: Really? 'Cause I could see your eyes rolling to the back of your head from across the room.

What? What? Did I do something wrong? I knew the hair thing was too much.

Oh, Chuck, I had no idea you felt that way about me.

Dan Humphrey: Oh, Chuck, I had no idea you felt that way about me!

Dan Humphrey: Hey, I've been wondering where you were.
Chuck Bass: You mean all your life?

Vanessa Abrams: Humphrey! Where is your mind?
Dan Humphrey: Well, I know it sounds crazy, but I actually... I kind of miss high school.
Dan Humphrey: I miss Blair Waldorf and her daily ego demolitions, Nelly Yuki stealing my lunch, even Chuck Bass who would get
Dan Humphrey: so close to talk.

Dan Humphrey: Did you sleep with someone else?
Serena van der Woodsen: Yes.
Dan Humphrey: I'm done.

So what happened with you and Man Bangs?

Google revenge, get blairwaldorf.com

Chuck Bass: Humphrey, never a pleasure.
Dan Humphrey: Oh good we actually agree on something.
Chuck Bass: Archibald, isn't it about time you ended this bromance? What happens at Yale stays at Yale.
Nate Archibald: Hey man let's go.

Nate Archibald: What are you doing?
Dan Humphrey: What am I doing? What are you doing? Or is that not you with my 15 year old sister?
Nate Archibald: Okay, woah woah just calm down.
Dan Humphrey: We took you into our house Nate!
Nate Archibald: Look Dan it's not like I planned on it alright? Okay things just happen. I'm sorry. Come on, she's a sophomore, I'm a senior. Don't act like I'm some creepy older guy.
Dan Humphrey: No, your the guy who traded sex for money.
Nate Archibald: My god, Vanessa...
Dan Humphrey: It's amazing I don't want you with my little sister.
Nate Archibald: Okay look I'm sorry I didn't say anything about Jenny, okay? But you have no right to judge me.
Dan Humphrey: Where is she?
Nate Archibald: I don't even know, she went off to find Agnes.
Nate Archibald: Do you want me to come help you find her?
Dan Humphrey: No I don't want your help. I want you to pack up your stuff and get out of our house.

Blair Waldorf: Remember, Serena doesn't share.
Serena van der Woodsen: Remember, Blair should learn to.

Vanessa Abrams: Hey, I'm thinking one pink can of gummy worms and another of Swedish fish.
Dan Humphrey: Is this how you and Nate want to celebrate two months of dating? With all things gummy?

Nate Archibald: I saw a DVD of 'The Ring Cycle' at her house and I figured she might like some champagne in my family's box.
Dan Humphrey: Yeah, that's good, that's good. Don't tell her you saw that DVD though, because I pointed it out once and she made me watch the whole thing with no sub-titles. If you've ever seen "A Clockwork Orange" then you know how that ended up.
Nate Archibald: What's a clockwork orange?

Dan Humphrey: You called Yale? You sent that blast in to Gossip Girl to get revenge against Blair? I believed in you... all your talk about integrity and ideals.
Rachel Carr: My ideals? Blair spread false rumors about us, blackmailed the entire school, and turned my job and career into a sham with no repercussions. She's a self-absorbed psychopath with no remorse, regret, shame or guilt for her actions.
Dan Humphrey: My God... you're just as bad as she is. No, you're worse! Blair is a high school student. You're an adult. She has her whole life ahead of her. You ruined her dream to get into the college of her choice. You need to fix things with Blair.
Rachel Carr: Absolutely not! Blair got what she deserved. She's had it coming for a long time.
Dan Humphrey: You know how you felt when you told me that all your hopes and ideals were crushed? Well, congratulations. You've just crushed mine.

Okay, someone needs to get this crazy girl out of here.

Okay, someone needs to get this crazy girl out of here.

I don't read Gossip Girl. That's for chicks.

Serena van der Woodsen: Oh, I can't believe Blair won!
Dan Humphrey: Yeah, who even voted for her?
Chuck Bass: Me. About 150 times. I wasn't putting the Nelly Yuki ballots in, I was taking them out.