Chandler Bing Quotes

Okay, now remember: no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.

I feel violated. And not in a good way.

Too... many... jokes! Must... mock... Joey!

Chandler Bing: Out, out, out! Get out! Take your stupid small fruit and get out!
Eddie Menuek: You want me to move out.
Chandler Bing: Uh-huh!
Eddie Menuek: Wow! I gotta tell you man, that's kinda out of the blue.
Chandler Bing: It's not out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue!

Monica Geller: No, you messed it up. You're stupid.

Ross: Don't you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard abs?
Chandler: No. I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts.

Monica: Chandler loves my massages.
Chandler: No, actually, he doesn't.
Monica: The minute we start to lie to each other...
Monica: And, by we, I mean society.

Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: You son of a bitch!
Chandler Bing: Is it me, or have the greetings gotten downhill around here?

Caitlin: Hey, where's the chicken?
Chandler: Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off. Said that "eggs came first".

I don't know what to say Joe, there's never a good time to stop... catching on fire.

Chandler: Sir, would you mind if you held out that ring and asked me to marry you?
Jeweler: OK... Will you marry me?
Chandler: Oh, my god - that's it! That's the ring. How much is it?
Phoebe: Wait, Chandler; I'll handle this. How much *is* it?
Jeweler: $8,600.
Phoebe: We will give you ten dollars.

Chandler: Sir, would you mind if you held out that ring and asked me to marry you?
Jeweler: OK... Will you marry me?
Chandler: Oh, my god - that's it! That's the ring. How much is it?
Phoebe: Wait, Chandler; I'll handle this. How much *is* it?
Jeweler: $8,600.
Phoebe: We will give you ten dollars.

Dr. Ross Geller: How could you tell her?
Chandler Bing: I had to, OK? We're getting married. Married people can't keep secrets from one another!
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler Bing: Du-ude!
Monica Geller: What happened in Atlantic City?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler Bing: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude!"

Monica Geller: Hey, You think you can keep it another night?
Chandler: Santa, really?
Monica Geller: Yeah, is that ok?
Chandler: Did your dad ever dress up like santa?
Monica Geller: No...
Chandler: Then it's okay!

Chandler: That's the magical story you use when you want to have sex!
Rachel: How do you know about that story?
Joey: How do you know about that story?
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy.
Joey: Some guy!
Rachel: No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: Ken Adams.

Monica: Oh, my god. Chandler. Why aren't you in Tulsa? Won't you get fired?
Chandler: They can't fire me because I quit. I mean, why should everybody else do what they like, except for me.
Monica: Oh, I'm so happy.
Chandler: And, by the way, here are your Christmas presents.
Ross: "A donation has been made in your name to the New York Ballet".
Chandler: Ok, I don't have a JOB.

Chandler Bing: there she is, my beautifully proportioned wife
Monica Geller-Bing: what?
Chandler Bing: There is not a single thing I'd change about you and certainly not "two" single things
Monica Geller-Bing: Ok why are you acting weird? Do you want sex? Or did you do something bad?

Dr. Connelly: Even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know. So keep having sex on a regular basis.
Chandler Bing: Oh, dammit!
Monica Geller Bing: Don't worry; after a while, you'll tune it out.

Dr. Connelly: Even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know. So keep having sex on a regular basis.
Chandler Bing: Oh, dammit!
Monica Geller Bing: Don't worry; after a while, you'll tune it out.

Monica Geller-Bing: Can you believe it? We're the only ones who are leaving here with the same person we came here with.
Chandler Bing: That's not true, I came with Monica and I am leaving with Weird Al.

Ross: While we're waiting, why don't you guys record your message to Emma?
Chandler: Hi Emma. It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?

Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: You son of a bitch!
Chandler Bing: Is it me, or have the greetings gotten downhill around here?

Ross: I knew it. I knew it. I always knew she liked him. She'd say no, but here we are, right. We just broke up, first thing she does.
Chandler: You didn't just break up!
Ross: Hey, it's been like, three weeks!
Chandler: You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean, bullets have left guns slower!

Rachel: I can't believe one of us has one of these.
Chandler: I know. I still am one of these.

Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor... is a very bad man!
Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?
Ross: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite... cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
Joey: ... What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how a tailor measure pants?
Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison! What's the matter with you?

Monica: I saw you eat a cheeseburger!
Monica: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe: I might have.
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: C'mon. Like you tell me everything?
Monica: What haven't I told you?
Phoebe: Oh I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby on the terrace!
Monica: Who told you that?
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know if was a big secret.
Monica: Oh, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same as, I don't know, a third nipple!
Phoebe: You have a third nipple?
Chandler: You bitch!
Ross: Whip it out! Whip it out!
Chandler: No. C'mon! There's nothing to see. It's a tiny bump. It's totally useless.
Rachel: As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that was it. Let me see it again!
Ross: Yes! Show us your nubbin!
Chandler: [Doesn't know what to say while everyone comes at him] Joey was in a porno movie!
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.

Chandler Bing: I'll just turn your bedroom into a game room or something. You know, put the foosball table in there.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa. Why do you get to keep the table?
Chandler Bing: I did pay for half of it.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and I paid for the other half.
Chandler Bing: All right, I'll tell you what: I'll play you for it.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, you're on. I could take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass!
Chandler Bing: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Which sister?

Sandra Greene: You thought I was Rachel?
Chandler Bing: Yes we did because you look so young.
Phoebe Buffay: And because you're both, you know, white women.

Chandler Bing: Where is she, where is she?
Chandler Bing: Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
Rachel Green: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
Chandler Bing:Oh, oh, oh, that's her.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...
Chandler Bing: Oh my God!
Janice Litman: OH... MY... GAWD!
Rachel Green, Dr. Ross Geller, Phoebe Buffay, Joey Tribbiani: OH... MY... GOD!

Chandler Bing: Hi Janice, hold on
Chandler Bing: what do I do?
Rachel Green: I don't know
Monica Geller: If we did, what you did, no man would ever call us again, act like you just woke up, be sleepy
Rachel Green: And grumpy
Chandler Bing: Stop naming dwarfs!

Chandler: Says here that a muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night.
Chandler: Where exactly were you around ten-ish?

Monica: Chandler loves my massages.
Chandler: No, actually, he doesn't.
Monica: The minute we start to lie to each other...
Monica: And, by we, I mean society.

Chandler Bing: Besides, worse comes to worse, I'll be your boyfriend.
Monica Geller: Yeah, right.
Chandler Bing: Why is that so funny?
Monica Geller: You made a joke, right? So I laughed.
Chandler Bing: A little too hard. What, am I not boyfriend material?
Monica Geller: No, your Chandler. You know, Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Okay, so we've established my name, and hit me.
Chandler Bing: But theoretically, you know, I mean, say we weren't friends, it's a blind date, I show up on your door and I'm like,
Chandler Bing: "Hey, nice to meet you, hey, hey."
Monica Geller: I'd probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice.

Chandler: I just think its time for you to settle down, you know, make a choice, pick a lane.
Joey: Who's Elaine?

Joey: Guess what job I just got?
Chandler Bing: I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.
Ross: What?
Chandler Bing: Blue blazer back. He wants it back.
Rachel: But, you said "black". Why would he want his blue blazer black?
Chandler Bing: Well, you know what I meant.

I say more dumb things before 9am than most people say all day.

Chandler: Open up, open up, open up!
Monica Geller: We'll discuss it in the morning!
Chandler: What the hell is going on?
Rachel Green: We took our apartment back!
Phoebe Buffay: I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it.
Chandler: We are switching back right now!
Monica Geller: No we're not! We're not leaving!
Chandler: Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back! There's nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I don't know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I don't wanna move again!
Chandler: I don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole-you stole it-our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I'm getting back right now!
Rachel Green: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us!
Rachel Green: Let us keep the apartment and...
Monica Geller: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
Chandler: Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!

Joey Tribbiani: Hey, dude! Let me in, I got a girl out here.
Chandler Bing: Well I've got a girl in here.
Joey Tribbiani: No you don't, I just saw you go in there with Monica.
Chandler Bing: Well, we're... we're hanging out in here!
Joey Tribbiani: Which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?
Chandler Bing: Well, I suppose I would have to say
Chandler Bing: YOU. Look, what if we're watching a movie in here?
Monica Geller: Yeah, which we are, and we already paid for it. It's My Giant.
Joey Tribbiani: My Giant? I love that movie!

Joey Tribbiani: You're fake laughing too, right?
Chandler Bing: Only the tears are real.