Joey Tribbiani Quotes

My audition is tomorrow. Che ble blah. Me la pee! Oublah! Poo.

They look great. How you doing?

Monica Geller: No, you messed it up. You're stupid.

Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I know how we can decide. I'm gonna ask you questions and you've gotta answer real fast, OK? What do you like better, action or comedy?
Dr. Ross Geller: Action.
Joey Tribbiani: Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?
Dr. Ross Geller: Dude, you are sick!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, right, I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing!

Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: You son of a bitch!
Chandler Bing: Is it me, or have the greetings gotten downhill around here?

Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: You son of a bitch!
Chandler Bing: Is it me, or have the greetings gotten downhill around here?

Joey Tribbiani: Look, I don't usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses.
Gunther: Ha!
Joey Tribbiani: Gesundheit.
Hayley: I would love to go out with you.
Joey Tribbiani: Really? Great... did I actually ask you?
Hayley: No, that's just where you were going. I just figured that I'd help you out; you don't seem like the kind of guy that does this a lot.
Gunther: Ha!
Joey Tribbiani: Seriously, Gunther - you should see someone about that cold; if it gets much worse you could *die*!

Joey: The ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up, and you thought I was proposing.
Rachel Green: Yeah, but you said 'will you marry me'.
Joey: No, I didn't.
Rachel Green: Yes, you did!
Joey: No, I didn't.
Rachel Green: Yes, you did! Oh, my god, you didn't.

Joey: In my spare time I... uh... read to the blind. And I'm also a Mento for the kids. You know, a mento... a role model.
the Interviewer: A Mento?
Joey: Right.
the Interviewer: Like the candy?
Joey: Matter of fact, I do.

Ross: I don't... Rachel?
Joey: Ross...
Ross: Rachel?
Gunther: RACHEL?

Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: I knooow.
Joey: Whaaaat?

Chandler: That's the magical story you use when you want to have sex!
Rachel: How do you know about that story?
Joey: How do you know about that story?
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy.
Joey: Some guy!
Rachel: No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: Ken Adams.

Joey Tribbiani: They want me to be totally naked in the movie.
Monica Geller: Wow!
Joey Tribbiani: I know. My grandma's gonna see this.
Phoebe Buffay: Grandma's gonna have to get in line.

Joey Tribbiani: No. Rosita does not move.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry? Rosita? As in...
Joey Tribbiani: As in, "Rosita does not move."
Rachel Green: Joey, it's just a chair! What's the big deal?
Joey Tribbiani: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it's at the perfect angle so you don't get any glare coming off of Stevie.
Rachel Green: Stevie the TV?

Joey: 'Sup? 'Sup, dude?
Chandler: Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me.
Joey: So, you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack. Playstation is whack. 'Sup with the whack Playstation, 'sup? Huh? Come on, am I nineteen or what?
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely nineteen.

Joey: Or you know, you could do...
Ross: What the hell are you doing?
Joey: What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge!
Ross: What? How do you even know it's broken?
Joey: You think I don't know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me.
Joey: What do you know? It's broken! That'll be $400.
Chandler: Joey I saw you push him.
Joey: You pushed him!
Ross: Joey, I did not break this, okay?
Ross: That has been broken for a while.
Joey: Hey Chandler, remember when I told you about our fridge?
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Joey: I still haven't gotten a check for your half yet.
Ross: Do not give him any money!
Joey: I'm not talking to you, you broke my fridge!

Stage Manager: All right. All of you guys just dance and don't look at the cameras. Any questions?
Ross: Yeah. When is this going to air.
Stage Manager: Yeah. Let's start.
Joey: Hey, Ross. When IS this going to air?

Monica Geller: Hey, Joey! What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey Tribbiani: Probably kill myself.
Monica Geller: Excuse me?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, I got no reason to live.
Dr. Ross Geller: Uhm, Joey... OMNI-potent.
Joey Tribbiani: You are? I'm so sorry.

Ross: Hey! I am not unemployed, I'm on sabbatical.
Joey: Okay Ross, don't get all religious on me!

Joey Tribbiani: You're fake laughing too, right?
Chandler Bing: Only the tears are real.

Phoebe: I have found a selfless good deed. I went to the park and let a bee sting me.
Joey Tribbiani: How is that a selfless good deed?
Phoebe: It makes the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee's happy and I am definitely not.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, Pheebs, you know the bee probably died after it stung you?
Phoebe: ...Dammit.

Joey Tribbiani: Hey, dude! Let me in, I got a girl out here.
Chandler Bing: Well I've got a girl in here.
Joey Tribbiani: No you don't, I just saw you go in there with Monica.
Chandler Bing: Well, we're... we're hanging out in here!
Joey Tribbiani: Which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?
Chandler Bing: Well, I suppose I would have to say
Chandler Bing: YOU. Look, what if we're watching a movie in here?
Monica Geller: Yeah, which we are, and we already paid for it. It's My Giant.
Joey Tribbiani: My Giant? I love that movie!

Joey: Wait, Wait! Why does Chandler get to be best man? He was yours last time!
Ross: Well, I've known Chandler a long time.
Joey: Wait a minute! C'mon Ross, I don't have any brothers; I'll never get to be a best man!
Chandler: Joey, you can be best man at my wedding.
Joey: I'll never get to be a best man!

Joey Tribbiani: Hey, look, a new Playboy.
Monica Geller: Yeah. Just something I picked up.
Dr. Ross Geller: Cookies and porn? You're the best mom ever.

Joey: Guess what job I just got?
Chandler Bing: I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.
Ross: What?
Chandler Bing: Blue blazer back. He wants it back.
Rachel: But, you said "black". Why would he want his blue blazer black?
Chandler Bing: Well, you know what I meant.

Chandler: I just think its time for you to settle down, you know, make a choice, pick a lane.
Joey: Who's Elaine?

Joey: Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica: Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging a huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something...
Joey: I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Ross: Wait a minute, I saw that, on the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?
Phoebe, Rachel: Eww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way. So...
Phoebe, Ross, Rachel: Eww!
Joey: Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.
Joey: That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.
Rachel: Maybe there's someone you can talk to.
Monica: Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.

Ross Geller: She was...
Joey Tribbiani: Awful!
Chandler Bing: Not good! Not good!
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing compared to you.
Ross Geller: Different.
Joey Tribbiani: No!
Chandler Bing: Uh oh.

Janice Litman: So, I hear you hate me.
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't said "hate", I was really careful about that.
Janice Litman: A little birdy said something about ripping your arm off and throwing it at me.
Joey Tribbiani: You got "hate" from that?

Chandler Bing: I'll just turn your bedroom into a game room or something. You know, put the foosball table in there.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa. Why do you get to keep the table?
Chandler Bing: I did pay for half of it.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and I paid for the other half.
Chandler Bing: All right, I'll tell you what: I'll play you for it.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, you're on. I could take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass!
Chandler Bing: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Which sister?

Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor... is a very bad man!
Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?
Ross: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite... cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
Joey: ... What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how a tailor measure pants?
Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison! What's the matter with you?