Charlie Kelly Quotes

Charlie Kelly: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.

I've got a confession: I'm in love with a man. "What?" I'm in love with a man. A man called God. Does that make me gay? Am I "gay for God"? You betcha.

What is your spaghetti policy here?

I'm gonna want the milk steak, boiled over hard, and a side of your finest jelly beans, raw.

Stripper: Oh, look at you sweetie. What happened?
Charlie Kelly: Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer bitch!

Mac: There are two guys in this church that are gay!
Charlie Kelly: Who's the other guy?

Uncle Jack: As the great Johnny Cochran once said, if the glove doesn't fit, give up.
Charlie Kelly: That is not what he said. How are you a lawyer Jack?

Charlie Kelly: Mac, why the hell did you sprint ahead of me, man?
Mac: Oh, 'cause I'm playing both sides.
Dennis Reynolds: Jesus Christ.

Charlie Kelly: Mom, if you know something, you got to tell me.
Bonnie Kelly: I can't lie to my Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: Good! Tell me everything.
Bonnie Kelly: Okay. They were both here. They were both inside me. Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, my God, no, don't tell me everything. What? No! What?
Mrs. Mac: Dammit, Bonnie.
Mac: Eduardo who?
Bonnie Kelly: Sanchez.
Mac: Holy shit. Tell us more.
Bonnie Kelly: Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.
Mac: Tell us less. Tell us less.
Bonnie Kelly: Then they both "completed" on each other. I-I was left out of the finale.

Charlie Kelly: Let me make a... cream pie... for you, okay? Then you can try it. See what you think.
Dennis Reynolds: I do not want to taste your cream pie.

Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, all right, well, what was the name on the order?
Dennis Reynolds: Spider-Man. That's very clever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Frank Reynolds: Dennis, ask him how it's possible for him to talk to you through a cut phone wire.
Dennis Reynolds: How is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph...
Frank Reynolds: I cut it when I found the pizza.
Charlie Kelly: Holy shit. Dennis is Spider-Man.

Charlie Kelly: Seven straight hours of lecturing?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of homosexuality, from him?
Dee Reynolds: Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?
Charlie Kelly: Of course.
Frank Reynolds: How could you miss it?

Frank Reynolds: I know you're not as dumb as you seem.
Charlie Kelly: Well, let's just say that I am.

Charlie Kelly: Dennis, can I give you some advice?
Dennis Reynolds: Absolutely not.

Zombies... I've seen it once before in a rat, and I see it now in men. Once one gets a taste for its own kind, it can spread through the pack like a wildfire. Mindlessly chomping and biting at their own hinds. Nothing but the taste of flesh on their minds. You know the thing about a rat? It's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes like a doll's eyes. Don't seem to be living at all when it come at ya. Till it bites ya. And then the eyes roll over white. You don't hear nothing but the screaming and the hollering...

Mac: Now I can determine a subject's threat level without him being able to feel my retinal assessment.
Charlie Kelly: Which is a great advantage because the guy can't see how scared Mac is.
Mac: Yes, and- No, that's not what it's about.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, I thought you were scared every time...
Mac: That's classified!

Charlie Kelly: Someone should've worn a shirt, right?
Mac: Probably the kid.

Dennis Reynolds: Tell you what, man. I'm happy for him, but I do still hate him!
Charlie Kelly: Oh yeah! It's not a gay or straight thing is it?
Dee Reynolds: No, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis Reynolds: No no no no no!
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis Reynolds: It's a Mac thing!

Dennis Reynolds: You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
Charlie Kelly: He eats theater people.
Dennis Reynolds: No, he doesn't.
Mac: I think he might.
Frank Reynolds: He does.
Dennis Reynolds: And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is.
Mac: He might not.
Frank Reynolds: He doesn't.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't. I don't.

Charlie Kelly: Check it out... Who's to say we didn't put that very same poison in the drinking water?
Mac: Everybody relax. He's lying. He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't have any on me. But I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank Reynolds: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles.
Frank Reynolds: What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie Kelly: Well, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy.
Frank Reynolds: And the mayo?
Charlie Kelly: That's shampoo.
Frank Reynolds: You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie Kelly: If you're using the mayonnaise, yeah... probably.

Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie Kelly: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank Reynolds: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

Charlie Kelly: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Dennis Reynolds: What guy?
Charlie Kelly: That lawyer guy, okay? He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.
Mac: You want him to bang you?
Charlie Kelly: Uh. No, Mac. Be serious, okay? He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers, all right? Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.
Charlie Kelly: Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie Kelly: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Dennis Reynolds: Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie Kelly: 'Cause it's an old book, okay? I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know! I'm trying to... get satisfied... from this dude... and you're trying to... I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.

Dee Reynolds: Charlie, don't screw me like this. Come on.
Charlie Kelly: Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, okay, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, okay, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?

Charlie Kelly: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways?
Frank Reynolds: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee Reynolds: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. And of course I did, so here we are.
Frank Reynolds: Damn your necromancy, woman!

Mac: The only way that my dad is not going to kill us is if he thinks we're already dead.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, great, I hope you'd say that. Great, let's kill ourselves. Let's do it.

Uh, later dudes. S you in your As. Don't wear a C and J all over your Bs.

Uh, later dudes. S you in your As. Don't wear a C and J all over your Bs.

Charlie Kelly: These are two dead bodies.
Dee Reynolds: They're dead. Two dead guys.
Charlie Kelly: This is the real deal here.
Dee Reynolds: [Examining African American specimen] I don't think I can eat this guy.
Charlie Kelly: I don't think I can, right? Why is that?
Dee Reynolds: I don't know.
Charlie Kelly: It's not because he's black, though, right?
Dee Reynolds: Of course not... I don't think so... No.
Charlie Kelly: It's because he's dead, right?
Dee Reynolds: It's because he's dead, that's why not.
Charlie Kelly: Good, good, good.
Charlie Kelly: I've got a question for you: is it racist if we don't eat this guy?
Dee Reynolds: Well, shit, Charlie. Now it is.
Charlie Kelly: I'm sorry, Dee.
Charlie Kelly: The white guy over here looks better to me for some reason.
Dee Reynolds: So much better, doesn't he? What is that?
Charlie Kelly: You know what it is? Generally, I don't eat dark meat.
Dee Reynolds: I prefer the white meat. I always have.
Charlie Kelly: It's not that guy. It's this guy.
Dee Reynolds: The problem is: I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals *and* we're racists.
Dee Reynolds: We're not, Dee. Cannibalism? Racism? Dee, that's not for us. You know? Those are the decisions that are best left to the suits in Washington. Okay? We're just here to eat some dude.
Dee Reynolds: You lost me with Washington, but the rest I agree with. So let's eat a peace of this guy.
Charlie Kelly: I can't do it.
Dee Reynolds: No. Me neither.
Charlie Kelly: The goods news is, I guess this means we're not racist.

Charlie Kelly: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee Reynolds: What?
Charlie Kelly: Yes, I did!
Dee Reynolds: No, you didn't!
Charlie Kelly: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee Reynolds: He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

Charlie Kelly: Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Dennis Reynolds: I see a door marked "Private". Is that the door you're talking about?
Charlie Kelly: Nah, I was talking abou... I didn't say... did you... what did you hear?
Dennis Reynolds: I heard you say there was a door marked "Pirate".
Charlie Kelly: Well, are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?
Dennis Reynolds: You're the one that... Jesus Christ, man. Shit.

I mean, shit, if you want it to be a bicep, it needs more veins!

Bonnie Kelly: I had an abortion. It just didn't take.
Charlie Kelly: What does that mean?
Bonnie Kelly: You survived it. You survived the abortion!