Dennis Reynolds Quotes

Hello. Hi, um, I'm a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare please.

Aw, merge, merge! You had your... Come on, you got, you have to seize the goddamn gap! People are so goddamn inefficient! Oh, goddammit! I don't care if you're old, seize the gap! You old fat bitch! You fat bitch!

Dennis Reynolds: Once the guests arrive, we will ply them with liquor, and then I will present to them this peace treaty that I will have them sign.
Frank Reynolds: Why you always want people to sign creepy documents?
Dennis Reynolds: Well, Frank, once something's in writing, that means it's set in stone. Then no one can do anything to stop me.

The crabs have machine guns. That makes sense.

Dennis Reynolds: Charlie can't read.
Frank Reynolds: He'll adapt.
Dennis Reynolds: He'll adapt to reading?

Mac: The Lord provideth again!
Dennis Reynolds: No, Mac! No. The Lord not provideth. Frank provideth. He's the one who bought the cups. Fank provideth.
Mac: That well, the Lord provideth the snowstorm in may that allowed us to get the cups now.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh-huh.
Mac: See? It's all a part of his divine plan, Dennis. And that's locked in, so we're good.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, so all we have to do is nothing?
Mac: No. No, because, uh, we have free will, Dennis, which means that, um, we have to take the necessary steps to make sure that that plan comes to fruition.
Dennis Reynolds: Which is predetermined.
Mac: Yes.
Dennis Reynolds: But it doesn't matter what we do if it's all predetermined. You see how your argument doesn't make any sense?
Mac: Uh, that's correct. But it doesn't have to make sense, because that's where the faith comes in. Right? I have faith that what i'm saying makes sense.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, so even if it doesn't make sense, your faith makes it make sense.
Mac: Correct.
Dennis Reynolds: Got it! Okay, so there's no way to have a rational conversation with you.
Mac: No.

Dennis Reynolds: Tell you what, man. I'm happy for him, but I do still hate him!
Charlie Kelly: Oh yeah! It's not a gay or straight thing is it?
Dee Reynolds: No, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis Reynolds: No no no no no!
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis Reynolds: It's a Mac thing!

Dee Reynolds: A 24-hr clock? Is this why we had to wait for you to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond?
Dennis Reynolds: Yes, Dee you Goddamned bitch!

Dennis Reynolds: Name a Philadelphia celebrity you would like to have a drink with.
Dee Reynolds: Bill Cosby.
Frank Reynolds: The cards are a little outdated.

Charlie Kelly: Let me make a... cream pie... for you, okay? Then you can try it. See what you think.
Dennis Reynolds: I do not want to taste your cream pie.

Dennis Reynolds: Wait, so you just painted your butt blue and nobody noticed the hole in your pants?
Dee Reynolds: Yep, it worked, it worked.
Frank Reynolds: Well, as long as it works.

North Dakota Woman: Oh, you really know your way around.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, if I've learned anything from films like Executive Decision or Passenger 57, there's always a way into the cargo hold.
North Dakota Woman: You're weird.
Dennis Reynolds: You have no idea.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Nothing with my lips, all right? I don't want to do that with you.

Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, all right, well, what was the name on the order?
Dennis Reynolds: Spider-Man. That's very clever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Frank Reynolds: Dennis, ask him how it's possible for him to talk to you through a cut phone wire.
Dennis Reynolds: How is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph...
Frank Reynolds: I cut it when I found the pizza.
Charlie Kelly: Holy shit. Dennis is Spider-Man.

Charlie Kelly: Seven straight hours of lecturing?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of homosexuality, from him?
Dee Reynolds: Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?
Charlie Kelly: Of course.
Frank Reynolds: How could you miss it?

Mac: Hi, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than busting a nut.
Customer: Excuse me?
Mac: Busting a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowing your load.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh...
Mac: He said it was a funny joke.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, no... hold on.
Mac: Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.
Mac: Sorry, we jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
Dennis Reynolds: No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.
Mac: Well, where do I jizz?
Dennis Reynolds: You don't jizz.
Mac: How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?
Dennis Reynolds: No, ma'am, I think what...
Mac: Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.
Dennis Reynolds: Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
Dee Reynolds: Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.
Dennis Reynolds: Holy shit, you're late.

Dee Reynolds: I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio - which is really weird because I've never been to Ohio. And this guy was wearing a bunny suit, and he was coming out of...
Dennis Reynolds: You know what Dee, I don't want to hear about your dream, okay? I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them, and nobody's having sex, I just... don't care.

Charlie Kelly: Dennis, can I give you some advice?
Dennis Reynolds: Absolutely not.

Dennis Reynolds: How are we doing over here?
Dee Reynolds: Uh... Not well. This is ridiculous. People are definitely starting to notice.
Dennis Reynolds: Of course they're starting to notice. There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch for Christ's sake. They're going to notice. So let's just talk to somebody. Can you grab that guy?
Dee Reynolds: [to two office workers] Hey you two!
Dennis Reynolds: Heyyyyy! So how we doing at the Christmas party? We having a good time?
Woman Office Worker: Yes, great time.
Dee Reynolds: Great! So, uh... Frank Reynolds?
Dennis Reynolds: Oh yeah, we were just talking about him. He's the worst, huh?
Woman Office Worker: Do... Do you work here?
Dennis Reynolds: ...Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. We hop around. Consultationists. So we consult here... we consult across the street too...
Man Office Worker: Is there a man in that couch?
Dennis Reynolds: Ha ha! What are you saying? A man in a couch? That's absurd!
Man Office Worker: No, I believe there's a man in that couch right there!
Dennis Reynolds: There is no man! There's no man! Say something things about Frank Reynolds, say them loud, and make sure they're horrible horrible things, then we'll deal with the man in the couch!
Man Office Worker: Okay, so there is a man in the couch!
Dee Reynolds: All right, just call Frank Reynolds an asshole!
Man Office Worker: Who is Frank Reynolds?
Dennis Reynolds: He's the man in the couch!
Woman Office Worker: Oh, my God! What are you people doing?
Dennis Reynolds: Would you just say something about Frank that's horrible? Call him an asshole!
Woman Office Worker: Frank Reynolds is an asshole!

Dennis Reynolds: You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
Charlie Kelly: He eats theater people.
Dennis Reynolds: No, he doesn't.
Mac: I think he might.
Frank Reynolds: He does.
Dennis Reynolds: And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is.
Mac: He might not.
Frank Reynolds: He doesn't.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't. I don't.

Mac: What do we need a mattress for?
Dennis Reynolds: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take 'em to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse, because of the implication.
Mac: Oh, uh... okay. You had me going there for the first part, the second half kinda threw me.
Dennis Reynolds: Well dude, dude, think about it: she's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothin' but open ocean. "Ahh, there's nowhere for me to run. What am I gonna do, say 'no'?"
Mac: Okay. That... that seems really dark.
Dennis Reynolds: Nah, no it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I'm-I think I am.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you are, because if the girl said "no" then the answer obviously is "no"...
Mac: No, right.
Dennis Reynolds: But the thing is she's not gonna say "no", she would never say "no" because of the implication.
Mac: ...Now you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?
Dennis Reynolds: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her but she's thinkin' that they will.
Mac: But it sounds like she doesn't wanna have sex with you...
Dennis Reynolds: Why aren't you understanding this? She-she doesn't know if she wants to have sex with me. That's not the issue...
Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!
Mac: I'm not getting it.
Dennis Reynolds: Goddamn.
Dennis Reynolds: Well don't you look at me like that, you certainly wouldn't be in any danger.
Mac: So they are in danger!
Dennis Reynolds: No one's in any danger!

Dennis Reynolds: Hey, do you remember all the good times that we used to have in the back of your dad's Datsun behind this place? Oh, man. So much romance. Mmm. Hey, how is your dad?
Maureen Ponderosa: Dad died last year.
Dennis Reynolds: Did he die?
Maureen Ponderosa: Yeah.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, that's... that's too bad. It happens, you know. He was getting up there, right? I mean, it was probably natural causes, or...
Maureen Ponderosa: Suicide.
Dennis Reynolds: Sui- suicide?
Maureen Ponderosa: Car exhaust, yeah. I had to break the window of the Datsun, so...
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, yeah. It was one of those. One of those, huh?
Maureen Ponderosa: His eyes were so yellow.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay.

That is Hulk Hogan's signature look. Blond chinese hair and skin of a hotdog. It's awesome!

Charlie Kelly: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Dennis Reynolds: What guy?
Charlie Kelly: That lawyer guy, okay? He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.
Mac: You want him to bang you?
Charlie Kelly: Uh. No, Mac. Be serious, okay? He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers, all right? Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.
Charlie Kelly: Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie Kelly: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Dennis Reynolds: Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie Kelly: 'Cause it's an old book, okay? I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know! I'm trying to... get satisfied... from this dude... and you're trying to... I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.

Dennis Reynolds: Who are you here to see?
Mac: My friend Sandy.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, Sandy. Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blond girl?
Mac: I have no idea.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, Sandy, why don't you come out here, please?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, hello, Mac.
Dennis Reynolds: Not so young and attractive, is she?

Charlie Kelly: Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Dennis Reynolds: I see a door marked "Private". Is that the door you're talking about?
Charlie Kelly: Nah, I was talking abou... I didn't say... did you... what did you hear?
Dennis Reynolds: I heard you say there was a door marked "Pirate".
Charlie Kelly: Well, are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?
Dennis Reynolds: You're the one that... Jesus Christ, man. Shit.

Dee Reynolds: You're not a winner, Dennis. You're not a winner because you used to be popular in high school but I think you peaked.
Dennis Reynolds: Peaked? Peaked, Dee?
Dennis Reynolds: Let me tell you something, I haven't even begun to peak. And when I do peak, you'll know. Because I'm gonna peak so hard that everybody in Philadelphia's gonna feel it.

Mac: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, oh, the gun... yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you
Charlie Kelly: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah... mm... Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, sure.
Charlie Kelly: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis Reynolds: Never.

Dennis Reynolds: What the hell is going on?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn't like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.
Dee Reynolds: What is happening?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because...
Mac: Okay, you know what, Charlie? You gotta stop, honestly.