Mac Quotes

Charlie Kelly: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.

Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis Reynolds: You're going to hell, dude.
Dee Reynolds: Seriously.

Let's talk stigmatas.

Dennis always tells me, "Never let someone's resistance stop you from getting what you want."

Mac: What do we need a mattress for?
Dennis Reynolds: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take 'em to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse, because of the implication.
Mac: Oh, uh... okay. You had me going there for the first part, the second half kinda threw me.
Dennis Reynolds: Well dude, dude, think about it: she's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothin' but open ocean. "Ahh, there's nowhere for me to run. What am I gonna do, say 'no'?"
Mac: Okay. That... that seems really dark.
Dennis Reynolds: Nah, no it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I'm-I think I am.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you are, because if the girl said "no" then the answer obviously is "no"...
Mac: No, right.
Dennis Reynolds: But the thing is she's not gonna say "no", she would never say "no" because of the implication.
Mac: ...Now you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?
Dennis Reynolds: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her but she's thinkin' that they will.
Mac: But it sounds like she doesn't wanna have sex with you...
Dennis Reynolds: Why aren't you understanding this? She-she doesn't know if she wants to have sex with me. That's not the issue...
Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!
Mac: I'm not getting it.
Dennis Reynolds: Goddamn.
Dennis Reynolds: Well don't you look at me like that, you certainly wouldn't be in any danger.
Mac: So they are in danger!
Dennis Reynolds: No one's in any danger!

I am an American I can believe in whatever I want in any given moment based on what the argument I am trying to make.

Mac: The Lord provideth again!
Dennis Reynolds: No, Mac! No. The Lord not provideth. Frank provideth. He's the one who bought the cups. Fank provideth.
Mac: That well, the Lord provideth the snowstorm in may that allowed us to get the cups now.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh-huh.
Mac: See? It's all a part of his divine plan, Dennis. And that's locked in, so we're good.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, so all we have to do is nothing?
Mac: No. No, because, uh, we have free will, Dennis, which means that, um, we have to take the necessary steps to make sure that that plan comes to fruition.
Dennis Reynolds: Which is predetermined.
Mac: Yes.
Dennis Reynolds: But it doesn't matter what we do if it's all predetermined. You see how your argument doesn't make any sense?
Mac: Uh, that's correct. But it doesn't have to make sense, because that's where the faith comes in. Right? I have faith that what i'm saying makes sense.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, so even if it doesn't make sense, your faith makes it make sense.
Mac: Correct.
Dennis Reynolds: Got it! Okay, so there's no way to have a rational conversation with you.
Mac: No.

Mac: There are two guys in this church that are gay!
Charlie Kelly: Who's the other guy?

Charlie Kelly: Mac, why the hell did you sprint ahead of me, man?
Mac: Oh, 'cause I'm playing both sides.
Dennis Reynolds: Jesus Christ.

Mac: Hi, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than busting a nut.
Customer: Excuse me?
Mac: Busting a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowing your load.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh...
Mac: He said it was a funny joke.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, no... hold on.
Mac: Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.
Mac: Sorry, we jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
Dennis Reynolds: No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.
Mac: Well, where do I jizz?
Dennis Reynolds: You don't jizz.
Mac: How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?
Dennis Reynolds: No, ma'am, I think what...
Mac: Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.
Dennis Reynolds: Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
Dee Reynolds: Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.
Dennis Reynolds: Holy shit, you're late.

Mac: Now I can determine a subject's threat level without him being able to feel my retinal assessment.
Charlie Kelly: Which is a great advantage because the guy can't see how scared Mac is.
Mac: Yes, and- No, that's not what it's about.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, I thought you were scared every time...
Mac: That's classified!

You want some insulin?

You want some insulin?

Dennis Reynolds: What the hell is going on?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn't like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.
Dee Reynolds: What is happening?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because...
Mac: Okay, you know what, Charlie? You gotta stop, honestly.

Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie Kelly: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank Reynolds: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

Mac: The only way that my dad is not going to kill us is if he thinks we're already dead.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, great, I hope you'd say that. Great, let's kill ourselves. Let's do it.

Mac: Will you be providing the weapons?
Neighborhood Leader: No.
Mac: No... Oh, I get it. Okay, we go buy the weapons, we tell you how much we spent, you reimburse us. Great.
Neighborhood Leader: Doesn't work like that.
Dee Reynolds: You gotta give him a receipt.
Mac: Oh, I would make a copy of the receipt.
Dee Reynolds: No, no, no, you give them the original.
Mac: I would give them the original and I would keep the copy? That seems stupid.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I'm sorry that that's how reimbursement works.
Mac: What if something happens to the weapons, then I'm shit outta luck?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, well then you just ask them for the original back. I'm sure they got a system in place.
Mac: Why would they keep the original, I'm the one that bought the gun!
Dee Reynolds: Oh, it's a gun now!
Mac: It's always been a gun, Dee!

Dennis Reynolds: Who are you here to see?
Mac: My friend Sandy.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, Sandy. Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blond girl?
Mac: I have no idea.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, Sandy, why don't you come out here, please?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, hello, Mac.
Dennis Reynolds: Not so young and attractive, is she?

Mac: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, oh, the gun... yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you
Charlie Kelly: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah... mm... Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, sure.
Charlie Kelly: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis Reynolds: Never.