It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Quotes

Charlie Kelly: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.

I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, Gonna kick some ass in the USA, Gonna climb a mountain, Gonna sew a flag, Gonna fly on an Eagle, I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, Gonna kick some ass, Gonna rise up, Kick a little ass, ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE!

I'm gonna want the milk steak, boiled over hard, and a side of your finest jelly beans, raw.

Dennis Reynolds: Once the guests arrive, we will ply them with liquor, and then I will present to them this peace treaty that I will have them sign.
Frank Reynolds: Why you always want people to sign creepy documents?
Dennis Reynolds: Well, Frank, once something's in writing, that means it's set in stone. Then no one can do anything to stop me.

Frank Reynolds: I'm going with you guys because I am bored as shit.
Dee Reynolds: That's not a good idea because when you get involved people usually get hurt.
Frank Reynolds: I'm just hanging out with the guys. How's anyone gonna get hurt?

Aw, merge, merge! You had your... Come on, you got, you have to seize the goddamn gap! People are so goddamn inefficient! Oh, goddammit! I don't care if you're old, seize the gap! You old fat bitch! You fat bitch!

Which one of you little shits stole my shoes?

Dennis always tells me, "Never let someone's resistance stop you from getting what you want."

Let's talk stigmatas.

I've got a confession: I'm in love with a man. "What?" I'm in love with a man. A man called God. Does that make me gay? Am I "gay for God"? You betcha.

What is your spaghetti policy here?

Hello. Hi, um, I'm a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare please.

Stripper: Oh, look at you sweetie. What happened?
Charlie Kelly: Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer bitch!

Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis Reynolds: You're going to hell, dude.
Dee Reynolds: Seriously.

The crabs have machine guns. That makes sense.

Frank Reynolds: I know you're not as dumb as you seem.
Charlie Kelly: Well, let's just say that I am.

Mac: Hi, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than busting a nut.
Customer: Excuse me?
Mac: Busting a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowing your load.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh...
Mac: He said it was a funny joke.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, no... hold on.
Mac: Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.
Mac: Sorry, we jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
Dennis Reynolds: No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.
Mac: Well, where do I jizz?
Dennis Reynolds: You don't jizz.
Mac: How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?
Dennis Reynolds: No, ma'am, I think what...
Mac: Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.
Dennis Reynolds: Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
Dee Reynolds: Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.
Dennis Reynolds: Holy shit, you're late.

Dennis Reynolds: Wait, so you just painted your butt blue and nobody noticed the hole in your pants?
Dee Reynolds: Yep, it worked, it worked.
Frank Reynolds: Well, as long as it works.

Dennis Reynolds: Charlie can't read.
Frank Reynolds: He'll adapt.
Dennis Reynolds: He'll adapt to reading?

Charlie Kelly: Dennis, can I give you some advice?
Dennis Reynolds: Absolutely not.

Zombies... I've seen it once before in a rat, and I see it now in men. Once one gets a taste for its own kind, it can spread through the pack like a wildfire. Mindlessly chomping and biting at their own hinds. Nothing but the taste of flesh on their minds. You know the thing about a rat? It's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes like a doll's eyes. Don't seem to be living at all when it come at ya. Till it bites ya. And then the eyes roll over white. You don't hear nothing but the screaming and the hollering...

Mac: Now I can determine a subject's threat level without him being able to feel my retinal assessment.
Charlie Kelly: Which is a great advantage because the guy can't see how scared Mac is.
Mac: Yes, and- No, that's not what it's about.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, I thought you were scared every time...
Mac: That's classified!

Frank Reynolds: It's the media, see? When it's white people, it's survival. And when it's black people, it's looting.
Dee Reynolds: No, Frank, it's because the white people are stealing bread and the black people are stealing speakers. If the white people were stealing stereo equipment, I would say they were looting too.
Frank Reynolds: How do you know the blacks don't have bread in those speakers?

Charlie Kelly: Someone should've worn a shirt, right?
Mac: Probably the kid.

You want some insulin?

Charlie Kelly: Seven straight hours of lecturing?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of homosexuality, from him?
Dee Reynolds: Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?
Charlie Kelly: Of course.
Frank Reynolds: How could you miss it?

Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, all right, well, what was the name on the order?
Dennis Reynolds: Spider-Man. That's very clever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Frank Reynolds: Dennis, ask him how it's possible for him to talk to you through a cut phone wire.
Dennis Reynolds: How is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph...
Frank Reynolds: I cut it when I found the pizza.
Charlie Kelly: Holy shit. Dennis is Spider-Man.

North Dakota Woman: Oh, you really know your way around.
Dennis Reynolds: Well, if I've learned anything from films like Executive Decision or Passenger 57, there's always a way into the cargo hold.
North Dakota Woman: You're weird.
Dennis Reynolds: You have no idea.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Nothing with my lips, all right? I don't want to do that with you.

I am an American I can believe in whatever I want in any given moment based on what the argument I am trying to make.

Charlie Kelly: Let me make a... cream pie... for you, okay? Then you can try it. See what you think.
Dennis Reynolds: I do not want to taste your cream pie.

Charlie Kelly: Mom, if you know something, you got to tell me.
Bonnie Kelly: I can't lie to my Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: Good! Tell me everything.
Bonnie Kelly: Okay. They were both here. They were both inside me. Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, my God, no, don't tell me everything. What? No! What?
Mrs. Mac: Dammit, Bonnie.
Mac: Eduardo who?
Bonnie Kelly: Sanchez.
Mac: Holy shit. Tell us more.
Bonnie Kelly: Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.
Mac: Tell us less. Tell us less.
Bonnie Kelly: Then they both "completed" on each other. I-I was left out of the finale.

Charlie Kelly: Mac, why the hell did you sprint ahead of me, man?
Mac: Oh, 'cause I'm playing both sides.
Dennis Reynolds: Jesus Christ.

Dennis Reynolds: Name a Philadelphia celebrity you would like to have a drink with.
Dee Reynolds: Bill Cosby.
Frank Reynolds: The cards are a little outdated.

Uncle Jack: As the great Johnny Cochran once said, if the glove doesn't fit, give up.
Charlie Kelly: That is not what he said. How are you a lawyer Jack?

Mac: There are two guys in this church that are gay!
Charlie Kelly: Who's the other guy?

Dee Reynolds: A 24-hr clock? Is this why we had to wait for you to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond?
Dennis Reynolds: Yes, Dee you Goddamned bitch!

Dennis Reynolds: Tell you what, man. I'm happy for him, but I do still hate him!
Charlie Kelly: Oh yeah! It's not a gay or straight thing is it?
Dee Reynolds: No, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis Reynolds: No no no no no!
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, it's a Mac thing!
Dennis Reynolds: It's a Mac thing!

Mac: The Lord provideth again!
Dennis Reynolds: No, Mac! No. The Lord not provideth. Frank provideth. He's the one who bought the cups. Fank provideth.
Mac: That well, the Lord provideth the snowstorm in may that allowed us to get the cups now.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh-huh.
Mac: See? It's all a part of his divine plan, Dennis. And that's locked in, so we're good.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, so all we have to do is nothing?
Mac: No. No, because, uh, we have free will, Dennis, which means that, um, we have to take the necessary steps to make sure that that plan comes to fruition.
Dennis Reynolds: Which is predetermined.
Mac: Yes.
Dennis Reynolds: But it doesn't matter what we do if it's all predetermined. You see how your argument doesn't make any sense?
Mac: Uh, that's correct. But it doesn't have to make sense, because that's where the faith comes in. Right? I have faith that what i'm saying makes sense.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, so even if it doesn't make sense, your faith makes it make sense.
Mac: Correct.
Dennis Reynolds: Got it! Okay, so there's no way to have a rational conversation with you.
Mac: No.

Dee Reynolds: I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio - which is really weird because I've never been to Ohio. And this guy was wearing a bunny suit, and he was coming out of...
Dennis Reynolds: You know what Dee, I don't want to hear about your dream, okay? I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them, and nobody's having sex, I just... don't care.

Dee Reynolds: You should know how to hold your booze a little better.
Waitress: I'll hold your boobs a little better...

Dennis Reynolds: What the hell is going on?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn't like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.
Dee Reynolds: What is happening?
Charlie Kelly: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because...
Mac: Okay, you know what, Charlie? You gotta stop, honestly.

Mac: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, oh, the gun... yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you
Charlie Kelly: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah... mm... Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee Reynolds: Yeah, sure.
Charlie Kelly: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis Reynolds: Never.

Bobby Thunderstorm: Hey, now we're talking here. She's a killer!
Dee Reynolds: You're goddamn right I'm a killer.
Brianna: You look like a holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Dee Reynolds: I will eat your babies, bitch!
Brianna: Bring it!
Frank Reynolds: Nobody's eating anybody's babies.
Bobby Thunderstorm: Hey, you looking to spur, little girl?
Frank Reynolds: No, no. No fight. She's not ready.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I'm ready.
Frank Reynolds: No, no, you're not ready.
Dee Reynolds: I'm ready! Let me eat her babies!

Bonnie Kelly: I had an abortion. It just didn't take.
Charlie Kelly: What does that mean?
Bonnie Kelly: You survived it. You survived the abortion!

I mean, shit, if you want it to be a bicep, it needs more veins!

Dee Reynolds: You're not a winner, Dennis. You're not a winner because you used to be popular in high school but I think you peaked.
Dennis Reynolds: Peaked? Peaked, Dee?
Dennis Reynolds: Let me tell you something, I haven't even begun to peak. And when I do peak, you'll know. Because I'm gonna peak so hard that everybody in Philadelphia's gonna feel it.

Charlie Kelly: Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Dennis Reynolds: I see a door marked "Private". Is that the door you're talking about?
Charlie Kelly: Nah, I was talking abou... I didn't say... did you... what did you hear?
Dennis Reynolds: I heard you say there was a door marked "Pirate".
Charlie Kelly: Well, are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?
Dennis Reynolds: You're the one that... Jesus Christ, man. Shit.

Dennis Reynolds: Who are you here to see?
Mac: My friend Sandy.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, Sandy. Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blond girl?
Mac: I have no idea.
Dennis Reynolds: Uh, Sandy, why don't you come out here, please?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, hello, Mac.
Dennis Reynolds: Not so young and attractive, is she?

Charlie Kelly: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee Reynolds: What?
Charlie Kelly: Yes, I did!
Dee Reynolds: No, you didn't!
Charlie Kelly: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee Reynolds: He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

Mac: Will you be providing the weapons?
Neighborhood Leader: No.
Mac: No... Oh, I get it. Okay, we go buy the weapons, we tell you how much we spent, you reimburse us. Great.
Neighborhood Leader: Doesn't work like that.
Dee Reynolds: You gotta give him a receipt.
Mac: Oh, I would make a copy of the receipt.
Dee Reynolds: No, no, no, you give them the original.
Mac: I would give them the original and I would keep the copy? That seems stupid.
Dee Reynolds: Oh, I'm sorry that that's how reimbursement works.
Mac: What if something happens to the weapons, then I'm shit outta luck?
Dee Reynolds: Oh, well then you just ask them for the original back. I'm sure they got a system in place.
Mac: Why would they keep the original, I'm the one that bought the gun!
Dee Reynolds: Oh, it's a gun now!
Mac: It's always been a gun, Dee!

Charlie Kelly: These are two dead bodies.
Dee Reynolds: They're dead. Two dead guys.
Charlie Kelly: This is the real deal here.
Dee Reynolds: [Examining African American specimen] I don't think I can eat this guy.
Charlie Kelly: I don't think I can, right? Why is that?
Dee Reynolds: I don't know.
Charlie Kelly: It's not because he's black, though, right?
Dee Reynolds: Of course not... I don't think so... No.
Charlie Kelly: It's because he's dead, right?
Dee Reynolds: It's because he's dead, that's why not.
Charlie Kelly: Good, good, good.
Charlie Kelly: I've got a question for you: is it racist if we don't eat this guy?
Dee Reynolds: Well, shit, Charlie. Now it is.
Charlie Kelly: I'm sorry, Dee.
Charlie Kelly: The white guy over here looks better to me for some reason.
Dee Reynolds: So much better, doesn't he? What is that?
Charlie Kelly: You know what it is? Generally, I don't eat dark meat.
Dee Reynolds: I prefer the white meat. I always have.
Charlie Kelly: It's not that guy. It's this guy.
Dee Reynolds: The problem is: I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals *and* we're racists.
Dee Reynolds: We're not, Dee. Cannibalism? Racism? Dee, that's not for us. You know? Those are the decisions that are best left to the suits in Washington. Okay? We're just here to eat some dude.
Dee Reynolds: You lost me with Washington, but the rest I agree with. So let's eat a peace of this guy.
Charlie Kelly: I can't do it.
Dee Reynolds: No. Me neither.
Charlie Kelly: The goods news is, I guess this means we're not racist.

Uh, later dudes. S you in your As. Don't wear a C and J all over your Bs.

Mac: The only way that my dad is not going to kill us is if he thinks we're already dead.
Charlie Kelly: Oh, great, I hope you'd say that. Great, let's kill ourselves. Let's do it.

You want some insulin?

Charlie Kelly: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways?
Frank Reynolds: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee Reynolds: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. And of course I did, so here we are.
Frank Reynolds: Damn your necromancy, woman!

Dee Reynolds: Charlie, don't screw me like this. Come on.
Charlie Kelly: Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, okay, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, okay, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?

Charlie Kelly: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Dennis Reynolds: What guy?
Charlie Kelly: That lawyer guy, okay? He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.
Mac: You want him to bang you?
Charlie Kelly: Uh. No, Mac. Be serious, okay? He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers, all right? Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.
Charlie Kelly: Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie Kelly: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Dennis Reynolds: Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie Kelly: 'Cause it's an old book, okay? I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know! I'm trying to... get satisfied... from this dude... and you're trying to... I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.

Frank Reynolds: All right, now pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken and you're gonna cook it tonight and make a tasty dinner that's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.
Beth: Actually, I'm vegan.
Frank Reynolds: Okay, then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it is a shoe.
Dee Reynolds: Nice one.

That is Hulk Hogan's signature look. Blond chinese hair and skin of a hotdog. It's awesome!

Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie Kelly: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank Reynolds: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

Charlie Kelly: Check it out... Who's to say we didn't put that very same poison in the drinking water?
Mac: Everybody relax. He's lying. He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't have any on me. But I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank Reynolds: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles.
Frank Reynolds: What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie Kelly: Well, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy.
Frank Reynolds: And the mayo?
Charlie Kelly: That's shampoo.
Frank Reynolds: You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie Kelly: If you're using the mayonnaise, yeah... probably.

Dennis Reynolds: Hey, do you remember all the good times that we used to have in the back of your dad's Datsun behind this place? Oh, man. So much romance. Mmm. Hey, how is your dad?
Maureen Ponderosa: Dad died last year.
Dennis Reynolds: Did he die?
Maureen Ponderosa: Yeah.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, that's... that's too bad. It happens, you know. He was getting up there, right? I mean, it was probably natural causes, or...
Maureen Ponderosa: Suicide.
Dennis Reynolds: Sui- suicide?
Maureen Ponderosa: Car exhaust, yeah. I had to break the window of the Datsun, so...
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, yeah. It was one of those. One of those, huh?
Maureen Ponderosa: His eyes were so yellow.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay.

Mac: What do we need a mattress for?
Dennis Reynolds: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take 'em to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse, because of the implication.
Mac: Oh, uh... okay. You had me going there for the first part, the second half kinda threw me.
Dennis Reynolds: Well dude, dude, think about it: she's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothin' but open ocean. "Ahh, there's nowhere for me to run. What am I gonna do, say 'no'?"
Mac: Okay. That... that seems really dark.
Dennis Reynolds: Nah, no it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I'm-I think I am.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you are, because if the girl said "no" then the answer obviously is "no"...
Mac: No, right.
Dennis Reynolds: But the thing is she's not gonna say "no", she would never say "no" because of the implication.
Mac: ...Now you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?
Dennis Reynolds: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her but she's thinkin' that they will.
Mac: But it sounds like she doesn't wanna have sex with you...
Dennis Reynolds: Why aren't you understanding this? She-she doesn't know if she wants to have sex with me. That's not the issue...
Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!
Mac: I'm not getting it.
Dennis Reynolds: Goddamn.
Dennis Reynolds: Well don't you look at me like that, you certainly wouldn't be in any danger.
Mac: So they are in danger!
Dennis Reynolds: No one's in any danger!

Dennis Reynolds: You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
Charlie Kelly: He eats theater people.
Dennis Reynolds: No, he doesn't.
Mac: I think he might.
Frank Reynolds: He does.
Dennis Reynolds: And I'm surprised you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is.
Mac: He might not.
Frank Reynolds: He doesn't.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't. I don't.

Dee Reynolds: Okay, I know you all are super stoked to be watching a movie in a bar. But we're just gonna keep it on the down low, you know what I mean? We don't need your parents and the principal finding out. It's just our little secret.
Lisa: I've been in a bar before.
Dee Reynolds: No, you haven't.
Craig: I've been in *this* bar before.

Dennis Reynolds: How are we doing over here?
Dee Reynolds: Uh... Not well. This is ridiculous. People are definitely starting to notice.
Dennis Reynolds: Of course they're starting to notice. There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch for Christ's sake. They're going to notice. So let's just talk to somebody. Can you grab that guy?
Dee Reynolds: [to two office workers] Hey you two!
Dennis Reynolds: Heyyyyy! So how we doing at the Christmas party? We having a good time?
Woman Office Worker: Yes, great time.
Dee Reynolds: Great! So, uh... Frank Reynolds?
Dennis Reynolds: Oh yeah, we were just talking about him. He's the worst, huh?
Woman Office Worker: Do... Do you work here?
Dennis Reynolds: ...Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. We hop around. Consultationists. So we consult here... we consult across the street too...
Man Office Worker: Is there a man in that couch?
Dennis Reynolds: Ha ha! What are you saying? A man in a couch? That's absurd!
Man Office Worker: No, I believe there's a man in that couch right there!
Dennis Reynolds: There is no man! There's no man! Say something things about Frank Reynolds, say them loud, and make sure they're horrible horrible things, then we'll deal with the man in the couch!
Man Office Worker: Okay, so there is a man in the couch!
Dee Reynolds: All right, just call Frank Reynolds an asshole!
Man Office Worker: Who is Frank Reynolds?
Dennis Reynolds: He's the man in the couch!
Woman Office Worker: Oh, my God! What are you people doing?
Dennis Reynolds: Would you just say something about Frank that's horrible? Call him an asshole!
Woman Office Worker: Frank Reynolds is an asshole!