How I Met Your Mother Quotes

Best How I Met Your Mother Tv Show Quotes

How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother  image

Directed by: Pamela Fryman
Creator: Carter Bays, Craig Thomas
Starring: Josh Radnor, Jason Segel, Cobie Smulders
Released on: September 19, 2005
Taglines: A love story in reverse.

How I Met Your Mother Quotes

Ted Mosby: Barney, you've really grown up, you know that?
Barney Stinson: Thanks, now lets watch our two best friends have sex on tape! image

Ted Mosby: Barney, you've really grown up, you know that?
Barney Stinson: Thanks, now lets watch our two best friends have sex on tape!

Bro bro bro your broat, gently to the bar. Hit on some sluts then do 10 shots... image

Bro bro bro your broat, gently to the bar. Hit on some sluts then do 10 shots...

Okay! 200. Now what? image

Okay! 200. Now what?

Barney Stinson: Now, come one, pa-cow, you're the most awesome person I have ever known, well, the second most awesome.
Robin Scherbatsky: Right, of course, the first being you.
Barney Stinson: No, no, the first is this guy who lives in a place called the mirror, what-up. image

Barney Stinson: Now, come one, pa-cow, you're the most awesome person I have ever known, well, the second most awesome.
Robin Scherbatsky: Right, of course, the first being you.
Barney Stinson: No, no, the first is this guy who lives in a place called the mirror, what-up.

Bro bro bro your broat, gently to the bar. Hit on some sluts then do 10 shots... image

Bro bro bro your broat, gently to the bar. Hit on some sluts then do 10 shots...

Robin Scherbatsky: You stole the blue French horn for me.
Ted: I would have stolen you a whole orchestra. image

Robin Scherbatsky: You stole the blue French horn for me.
Ted: I would have stolen you a whole orchestra.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Barney, what are you doing here? I can't believe it's really you. Come in. Have a seat. You want some tea? I know the apartment's small, I don't need much space. Let me show you some of my paintings, I think it's some of my best work ever..." Just stop it! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something that most people search their whole lives for, and never find. I know you love him, and if you knew what he was going through right now, you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know, and it won't be long until someone else realizes that, and you'll lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening. And I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it to the nail, this trip never happened.

The truth is, I thought I'd be married by now and going through all this stuff along side you guys. But even if I meet the girl of my dreams right this second I'm still one night and nine months away from having a family of my own. And that's assuming the mother of my children is just a huge slut. image

The truth is, I thought I'd be married by now and going through all this stuff along side you guys. But even if I meet the girl of my dreams right this second I'm still one night and nine months away from having a family of my own. And that's assuming the mother of my children is just a huge slut.

I can handle you preventing me from fulfilling a life long dream, that's being in a relationship. image

I can handle you preventing me from fulfilling a life long dream, that's being in a relationship.

Daddy's home. image

Daddy's home.

Victoria: I'm going to meet Ted for our 2 month-iversary.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh great, that answers all of the questions I didn't ask. image

Victoria: I'm going to meet Ted for our 2 month-iversary.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh great, that answers all of the questions I didn't ask.

Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP! image

Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP!

Marshall Eriksen: I'll give my dad a call after Dr. Stengal gives me the thumbs up.
Ted Mosby: Ew! He has to do that? image

Marshall Eriksen: I'll give my dad a call after Dr. Stengal gives me the thumbs up.
Ted Mosby: Ew! He has to do that?

I sound kind of douchey. I can't stop myself! image

I sound kind of douchey. I can't stop myself!

Ted, you violated a dead turkey with another dead turkey! Don't let that be in vain. image

Ted, you violated a dead turkey with another dead turkey! Don't let that be in vain.

 I love the office Halloween party, it is so much sluttier than the office Christmas Party though not as freaky as the office Presidents Day rave. image

I love the office Halloween party, it is so much sluttier than the office Christmas Party though not as freaky as the office Presidents Day rave.

Ted, this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing here, vibrating jello pit right there, rotating Vietnamese shame wheel right here... don't ask you're not ready.

Ted, this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing here, vibrating jello pit right there, rotating Vietnamese shame wheel right here... don't ask you're not ready.

Barney: Seven years ago when Marshall and Lily got engaged Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said "oh yeah you just know she likes it dirty," but Ted really liked her so we played "Haaave you met Ted?" They went to dinner, he walked her home, should have kissed her, didn't, lame. So he stole the Smurf penis, went back to her place, should have kissed her, didn't, lame. He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof but decided to be friends, lame. Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria. Didn't kiss her either, lame. Not a great closer Ted. Then he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil came back with a Latin stud. Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning it as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus we made up... Robin and I started dating and I got fat her hair fell out. We broke up, Robin dated Don, I dated Nora. I cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin but not for long and then I met you and you took my Grandpa's watch, but I fell in love with you anyway and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said yes so we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything. Also I went on the Price Is Right and I won a dune buggy!

Ted Mosby: I used to believe in destiny, you know? I go to the bagel place, see a pretty girl in line, reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that's been stuck in my head all week, and I think: "Wow... Hey, maybe she's the one?" Now I think: "I just know that bitch is going to take the last whole wheat everything bagel."
Robin Scherbatsky: You've just been focused on work.Ted Mosby: No, it's more than that. I stopped believing. Not in some depressed I'm-gonna-cry-during-my-toast way. Not in a way I even noticed until tonight. It's just, every day I think I... believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less, and that sucks. What do I about that, Scherbatsky?
Robin Scherbatsky: You're Ted Mosby. You start believing again.
Ted Mosby: In what? Destiny?
Robin Scherbatsky: Chemistry. You got chemistry, you only need one other thing.
Ted Mosby: What's that?
Robin Scherbatsky: Timing. But timing's a bitch.

Marshall Eriksen: I miss my dad, Ted... I miss him so much.
Ted Mosby: I know.
Marshall Eriksen: When I was a kid, we would spend the summers in the upper peninsula. And every year we wouldn't get in the cabin till the middle of the night. And so, it'd be pitch black in the middle of the woods. I could never see anything in front of the headlights, but I always felt so safe... cause my dad was driving. He was like some sort of superhero that could just see way out into the darkness... and now he's just gone, and it's pitch black. I can't see where I'm going. I can't see anything...

Hey kid, you know how your mom won't let you have ice-cream until after dinner? But then the waiting kind of makes it taste better? I've been waiting two months for that bowl of ice cream and tonight I'm gonna have sex with it.

Uh lets see, suits, laser tag, I say "wait for it" a lot, that's pretty much it.

Barney Stinson: Stop pining over Marshall and Lily! Have some self respect. Now put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with...
Ted Mosby: Barney! I'm allowed to miss them alright? They're my two best friends.
Barney Stinson: I'm your two best friends!

Shut it Ralph Macchio! Why don't you have a party with Luke Skywalker, and Harry Potter, and War Horse, and all the other movie bad guys and stop ruining mine!

Robin: I think I like your suit.
Ted: I think I like your new french horn.
Robin: I think I like your nose.
Ted: I think I'm in love with you.
Robin: What?

A few final thoughts, don't get married until you're thirty. Play laser tag once a week. Give at least as many high fives as you get. Teacup pigs are lady magnets, but are very hard to care for... Not worth the effort. The same goes for dogs and babies. And most importantly, whatever you do in this life... it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it. Good luck boys. Take care of the game for me.

You're moving to Chicago? Is that even a real place? It's a style of pizza. Ted, you can't live in a pizza.

 You're moving to Chicago? Is that even a real place? It's a style of pizza. Ted, you can't live in a pizza. image

You're moving to Chicago? Is that even a real place? It's a style of pizza. Ted, you can't live in a pizza.

Barney Stinson: I see what you're doing, you didn't bring your dad here to marry us, you wanna get him back together with mom, which is completely insane, by the way.
James Stinson: My dad is single, mom is single, your dad is happily married and with two kids. Which one makes more sense?
Barney Stinson: I agree, it's a tie.

Ted Mosby: I just have to figure out how to get into Lily's room.
Marshall Eriksen: Easy. The lock on her door is busted, so...
Ted Mosby:  The drainpipe!
Marshall Eriksen: What?
Ted Mosby: No big deal, I can totally climb it. I'll call you when it's done.
Marshall Eriksen: Her door is unlock- image

Ted Mosby: I just have to figure out how to get into Lily's room.
Marshall Eriksen: Easy. The lock on her door is busted, so...
Ted Mosby: The drainpipe!
Marshall Eriksen: What?
Ted Mosby: No big deal, I can totally climb it. I'll call you when it's done.
Marshall Eriksen: Her door is unlock-

Barney Stinson: You're my best friend, and my best man. Of course I trust you.
Barney Stinson: Oh come on, you don't have to cry about it.
Ted Mosby: It's not that. That was a $600 bottle of scotch!
Barney Stinson: Oh my ggg - -

Barney Stinson: You know, I'm not worried about a wildcard anymore, whether its Uncle Vick, Aunt Shelley, or the ring-bear.
Robin Scherbatsky: Ringbear-er!
Barney Stinson: If any of those mammals go rogue, our wedding's gonna be Legendary.
Robin Scherbatsky: No wait for it?
Barney Stinson: I've got you. I don't have to wait for it anymore.

Back boobs... the visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggy style, patent pending.

Oh my God, can you just be cool? Once. Please! Just once!... Can you just once be cool? Once! Please!

Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye before you get stab-stabbed.

Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye before you get stab-stabbed.

Ted Mosby: Barney, or should I say Borrowney?
Marshall Eriksen: You should never say that.

Ted Mosby: Marshall Eriksen, you just came back from your third date with Lily. How was it?
Marshall Eriksen: Great. Yeah. I just... I think I'm falling for this girl. Pretty hard. But isn't everything happening too fast? I mean, maybe I should see other people.
Ted Mosby: No, dude, no! Lily Aldrin is special. You hold on to that girl!
Marshall Eriksen: She is. But I'm only 18 and...
Ted Mosby: Marshall. You being 18 isn't a bad thing. It just means that you get to spend more of your life with her. I mean, I'm probably not gonna meet my wife until I'm, like... 23!

Bro bro bro your broat, gently to the bar. Hit on some sluts then do 10 shots...

Ted Mosby: When Lily and Marshall are apart for an extended period of time, what is the one thing Lily always does?
Marshall Eriksen: Cry?
Barney Stinson: Masturbate?
William Zabka: Karate?
The Captain: Go sailing? image

Ted Mosby: When Lily and Marshall are apart for an extended period of time, what is the one thing Lily always does?
Marshall Eriksen: Cry?
Barney Stinson: Masturbate?
William Zabka: Karate?
The Captain: Go sailing?

Barney Stinson: [Barney tries to ask the bus driver to drive to the hospital where Lily is giving birth] Sir, this man is having a baby tonight. Instead of going to St Marcus Hospital, we're going to Buffalo - and I've seen women from there, the city's aptly named. Look, I'm a screw-up; I'm having something special with this girl Quinn and I ruined it. But this guy
Barney Stinson: , he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoting since he was 18 years old. There are a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them. He deserves to be at the birth of his son. So what do you say?
Bus Driver: Unless it's an emergency, I'm not allowed to stop so sit down, watch Cocoon 2, and shut up!

When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead. True story

Ted Mosby: Barney, what are you doing? You can't take this apartment from Marshall and Lily.
Barney Stinson: You think I have no morals whatsoever? I'm only pretending to live here so I can take this woman here, nail her and never have to see her again. I'm not a monster.

Ted Mosby: Even when you were a kid you hated kids.
Four-Year-Old Katie: Robin, will you watch cartoons with me?
11-Year-Old Robin: I spend all week at school. Can't I just have some time alone to read my Highlights and drink my juice?

Ted Mosby: As you can see, I do just fine on my own. I don't need a baby-sitter.
Barney Stinson: See. All this time, I thought you need a wingman to fly, but the truth is you... you've got your own wings now.
Ted Mosby: Hmm.
Barney Stinson: Since you and Robin split, you've been gestating. Growing in your cocoon. And last night... you burst out of that cocoon... , like a majestic, uh... gosh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon? I was always bad at science.
Lily Aldrin: He's gonna say it.
Ted Mosby: A butterfly?
Ted Mosby: What?
Barney Stinson: Nothing, buddy.
Ted Mosby: Ow! Why did that hurt so...? Oh my God!
Ted Mosby: I have a tattoo!
Barney Stinson: Oh, that's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.

Lily, I love you. But asking someone to come see your play is like asking for a ride to the airport, or to crash on someone's couch or to help you move. Call a cab, book a room, hire some movers and repeat after me, friends don't let friends come see their crappy play!

Ted Mosby: Well... it's awkward, I mean, the guy used to be my boss. So, I went to talk to the managing partner...
Brady: Fire him.
Ted Mosby: Well, sir, I was thinking he could just be put on a different project.
Ted Mosby: Fire him! He's an arrogant, washed-up, pain in the ass. In fact, fire everyone on that project. Druthers, Mosby, the whole lot of them.
Ted Mosby: Mosby, sir? I, I... I hear Mosby's doing some great work.
Brady: Fine, Mosby can stay. But tell him he's on thin ice. Come here.
Brady: I like you, Crosby.

Older Ted: It got so bad Barney even tried being his own wing man.
Barney: Hi. Have you met me?

Barney Stinson: One time I met a girl... at this very bar...
Barney Stinson: I saw that she had the crazy eyes... but I ignored it. And then, sure enough...
Lauren: Barney, can I ask you a question?
Barney Stinson: Anything.
Lauren: Would you like to have a three-some?
Barney Stinson: Of course...
Lauren: Great! It would be me, you and Mr Weasels!
Ted Mosby: So, did you do it ?
Barney Stinson: No. It ended up being just the two-some. With the third one watching from a chair.
Ted Mosby: Which one were you ?
Barney Stinson: I'd rather not say.

Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think architects are hot. Think about it, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There's nobody hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.

Heidi Klum: Is he alright?
Ted Mosby: He has the yips. Hasn't been able to score with a woman for days.
Heidi Klum: Oh, the yips. In Germany, we call that "Ach du meine Güte, nichts klappt mehr, überhaupt gar nichts mehr, so 'ne Scheiße!" That is bad.

Penelope: Okay, crouch down and bend over a little bit.
Barney: Wow, it took 5 shots of tequila to get you in that position.
Penelope: I will throw you off this roof.
Barney: So much of your mom in you.

Barney: Or, it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter! Even better, triple threat: hotter, and bigger boobs!
Ted: That's only two.
Barney: Count again...

Marshall: Ted, how do I explain this to you. Last night, I ate the best cake of my life. Do you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life? Hell no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake and I'm gonna get some more cake.
Ted: That cake really got to you?
Marshall: It haunts me.

Ted: Are you a vampire?
Carl: That's it, I'm cutting you off. Go home, Ted. Get some sleep.
Ted: Yep, the sun's comin' up pretty soon. Wouldn't wanna be around for that, now would we?

Ted: Are you a vampire?
Carl: That's it, I'm cutting you off. Go home, Ted. Get some sleep.
Ted: Yep, the sun's comin' up pretty soon. Wouldn't wanna be around for that, now would we?

Ellen Pierce: You give me 3 days and I will find the woman you will marry.
Ted: No, thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's New York, you know. Plenty of fish in the sea!
Ellen Pierce: Plenty of fish in the sea!
Ellen Pierce: There's 9 million people in New York. 4.5 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone roughly your own age - let's say plus, minus 5 years. So if you take into account the most recent census data that leaves us with 482,000 women. But wait! 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility. And then you have to take out the ex girlfriends and the relatives. And, oh, you can't forget those lesbians. And then that leaves us with 8 women.
Ted: That can't be right! Eight? Really? Eight?
Ellen Pierce: There are 8 fish in that big blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there's the door.
Ted: ...Do you take credit cards?

Ted: Maybe I should call her. What do you guys think?
Barney: You dumped a pornstar? Friendship over.
Barney: Friendship over!

Ted Mosby: I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.
Lily Aldrin: No, you're not a New Yorker until you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks.
Marshall Eriksen: No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hand.
Narrator: And Robin would do all three of these before the day was out.

Ted Mosby: Hi. Ted Mosby her to see Dr. Zinman.
Abby: I'll let her know.
Ted Mosby: Telepathically?
Abby: That's funny. That's funny, smart and great.

Ted Mosby: How was your day?
Lily Aldrin: I screamed at a little girl for painting a rainbow.
Ted Mosby: Oh. It sounds like the bitch had it coming.

Marshall: She's never seen Star Wars? Ted the only people in the universe who have never seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars and that's cause they lived them Ted, that's cause they lived the Star Wars.
Ted: You've gotta calm down.
Marshall: I told you. I told you that you don't know this girl well enough. What if you show it to her and she doesn't like it?
Ted: Dude, it's just a movie.
Marshall: Ted, Star Wars is your all time favorite movie, and whether or not Stella actually likes it is really important. Its like a test of how compatible you guys are.
Ted: Marshall, its just a movie.
Marshall: Ha.
Ted: Its just a movie.
Ted: Ok, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her.
Marshall: No, you can't.
Ted: Wanna watch it again?
Marshall: Yes I do.

The point is, marriage is stupid. Every year there are a million hot, new 22-year olds going into bars, and call me glass-half-full, but I think they're getting dumber.

Barney Stinson: God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, although a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome. But God, if you could get me out of this, I swear I will never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ev...
Barney Stinson: Oh, hang on, bro...

Ted Mosby: I think we should go someplace else. In this bar I will always be known as the guy who was left at the altar. It sucks.
Barney Stinson: Good Times.
Ted Mosby: Uh-oh, we lost Barney.
Robin Scherbatsky: What'ya mean?
Lily Aldrin: There's a woman over there in a tight red sweater, and he's not listening to a word we're saying.
Barney Stinson: Gimme a Break!
Ted Mosby: Long ago, he learned that he can fake a conversation by listing black sitcoms from the '70s and '80s. Right, Barney?
Barney Stinson: What's Happenin'?
Lily Aldrin: Hey, Barney. Wanna go with me and do stuff that I don't even let Marshall do to me?
Barney Stinson: Diff'rent Strokes!

Ted Mosby: So, how many people are in on this Party School Bingo thing?
Barney Stinson: Oh, it's just me.
Ted Mosby: So what's the point, then?
Barney Stinson: The point is to get five in a row.
Ted Mosby: And what do you get when you get five in a row?
Barney Stinson: I get Bingo.

Ted Mosby: So, Karen in New York. Weird, right?
Lily Aldrin: Ted, you can not get back together with Karen.
Ted Mosby: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
Marshall Eriksen: No. No, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All the Evel Knievel movies are lost. Number four: Ted calls Karen. Number five: Lily gets eaten by a shark.
Lily Aldrin: I'm Lily, and I approve the order of that list.

Barney Stinson: If you did all the things on this list, I would call that a fun weekend.
Ted Mosby: Are you kidding? If you did all the things on the list, you'd be dead. That's not a chall...
Barney Stinson: Challenge accepted! For the next 24 hours, I will do everything on this list. If I do, Ted will come with me and TP the laser tag.
Ted Mosby: And if you can't?
Barney Stinson: I will listen to you talk about architecture for three hours.
Ted Mosby: Agreed. Robin, will you do the honors?
Robin Scherbatsky: Gentlemen's agreement!
Barney Stinson: Okay, chumps, let's do this. Barneeey ah-Stinsonnn!

Barney Stinson: How do you keep a girl from becoming a girlfriend? The rules for girls are the same as the rules for Gremlins.
Ted Mosby: Gremlins?
Barney Stinson: Gremlins. Rule 1: Never get them wet; in other words, don't let her take a shower at your place. Number 2: Keep them away from sunlight; i.e., don't ever see them during the day. And rule number 3: Never feed them after midnight; meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever!
Ted Mosby: What about brunch. Is brunch cool?
Barney Stinson: No, Ted. Brunch is not cool.

Ted Mosby: Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?
Barney Stinson: No, not really.
Ted Mosby: T'was the night before, I had hours to kill. I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.
Barney Stinson: With quill?
Ted Mosby: Barney. It's a poem.
Ted Mosby: A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin.Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "you're a teacher?" I said, "yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned. "I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper To my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.

Ted Mosby: I sent a cab with a female driver so she would have no other male interaction until she came to me.
Barney Stinson: Where she will still have no interaction with a man. What up? I feel good tonight. Tonight's gonna be good.

Barney Stinson: I had a drinking game based on Robin. Well, actually, it was on Robin. I poured peach schnapps into her belly button...
Ted Mosby: Dude, we've been through this. Don't tell me.
Barney Stinson: Very well. She didn't like it, anyway. Said it woke her up.

Robin Scherbatsky: Are you acting out the last scene of "Sleepless In Seattle" with dolls?
Ted Mosby: How long have you been there?
Robin Scherbatsky: Ten seconds.
Ted Mosby: Then yeah, just the last scene.

Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge open you up, take a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all down hill from here.

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