Ted Mosby Quotes
Latest Ted Mosby quotes from How I Met Your Mother
Quotes
Ted Mosby: Barney, you've really grown up, you know that?
Barney Stinson: Thanks, now lets watch our two best friends have sex on tape!
Barney Stinson: Stop pining over Marshall and Lily! Have some self respect. Now put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with...
Ted Mosby: Barney! I'm allowed to miss them alright? They're my two best friends.
Barney Stinson: I'm your two best friends!
The truth is, I thought I'd be married by now and going through all this stuff along side you guys. But even if I meet the girl of my dreams right this second I'm still one night and nine months away from having a family of my own. And that's assuming the mother of my children is just a huge slut.
Ted Mosby: I used to believe in destiny, you know? I go to the bagel place, see a pretty girl in line, reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that's been stuck in my head all week, and I think: "Wow... Hey, maybe she's the one?" Now I think: "I just know that bitch is going to take the last whole wheat everything bagel."
Robin Scherbatsky: You've just been focused on work.Ted Mosby: No, it's more than that. I stopped believing. Not in some depressed I'm-gonna-cry-during-my-toast way. Not in a way I even noticed until tonight. It's just, every day I think I... believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less, and that sucks. What do I about that, Scherbatsky?
Robin Scherbatsky: You're Ted Mosby. You start believing again.
Ted Mosby: In what? Destiny?
Robin Scherbatsky: Chemistry. You got chemistry, you only need one other thing.
Ted Mosby: What's that?
Robin Scherbatsky: Timing. But timing's a bitch.
Robin Scherbatsky: You stole the blue French horn for me.
Ted: I would have stolen you a whole orchestra.
Barney Stinson: If you did all the things on this list, I would call that a fun weekend.
Ted Mosby: Are you kidding? If you did all the things on the list, you'd be dead. That's not a chall...
Barney Stinson: Challenge accepted! For the next 24 hours, I will do everything on this list. If I do, Ted will come with me and TP the laser tag.
Ted Mosby: And if you can't?
Barney Stinson: I will listen to you talk about architecture for three hours.
Ted Mosby: Agreed. Robin, will you do the honors?
Robin Scherbatsky: Gentlemen's agreement!
Barney Stinson: Okay, chumps, let's do this. Barneeey ah-Stinsonnn!
Ted Mosby: So, Karen in New York. Weird, right?
Lily Aldrin: Ted, you can not get back together with Karen.
Ted Mosby: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
Marshall Eriksen: No. No, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All the Evel Knievel movies are lost. Number four: Ted calls Karen. Number five: Lily gets eaten by a shark.
Lily Aldrin: I'm Lily, and I approve the order of that list.
Barney Stinson: How do you keep a girl from becoming a girlfriend? The rules for girls are the same as the rules for Gremlins.
Ted Mosby: Gremlins?
Barney Stinson: Gremlins. Rule 1: Never get them wet; in other words, don't let her take a shower at your place. Number 2: Keep them away from sunlight; i.e., don't ever see them during the day. And rule number 3: Never feed them after midnight; meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever!
Ted Mosby: What about brunch. Is brunch cool?
Barney Stinson: No, Ted. Brunch is not cool.
Ted Mosby: Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?
Barney Stinson: No, not really.
Ted Mosby: T'was the night before, I had hours to kill. I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.
Barney Stinson: With quill?
Ted Mosby: Barney. It's a poem.
Ted Mosby: A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin.Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "you're a teacher?" I said, "yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned. "I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper To my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.
Ted Mosby: I sent a cab with a female driver so she would have no other male interaction until she came to me.
Barney Stinson: Where she will still have no interaction with a man. What up? I feel good tonight. Tonight's gonna be good.
Barney Stinson: I had a drinking game based on Robin. Well, actually, it was on Robin. I poured peach schnapps into her belly button...
Ted Mosby: Dude, we've been through this. Don't tell me.
Barney Stinson: Very well. She didn't like it, anyway. Said it woke her up.
Ted Mosby: I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.
Lily Aldrin: No, you're not a New Yorker until you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks.
Marshall Eriksen: No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hand.
Narrator: And Robin would do all three of these before the day was out.
Marshall Eriksen: I miss my dad, Ted... I miss him so much.
Ted Mosby: I know.
Marshall Eriksen: When I was a kid, we would spend the summers in the upper peninsula. And every year we wouldn't get in the cabin till the middle of the night. And so, it'd be pitch black in the middle of the woods. I could never see anything in front of the headlights, but I always felt so safe... cause my dad was driving. He was like some sort of superhero that could just see way out into the darkness... and now he's just gone, and it's pitch black. I can't see where I'm going. I can't see anything...
Ted Mosby: Marshall Eriksen, you just came back from your third date with Lily. How was it?
Marshall Eriksen: Great. Yeah. I just... I think I'm falling for this girl. Pretty hard. But isn't everything happening too fast? I mean, maybe I should see other people.
Ted Mosby: No, dude, no! Lily Aldrin is special. You hold on to that girl!
Marshall Eriksen: She is. But I'm only 18 and...
Ted Mosby: Marshall. You being 18 isn't a bad thing. It just means that you get to spend more of your life with her. I mean, I'm probably not gonna meet my wife until I'm, like... 23!
Barney Stinson: You're my best friend, and my best man. Of course I trust you.
Barney Stinson: Oh come on, you don't have to cry about it.
Ted Mosby: It's not that. That was a $600 bottle of scotch!
Barney Stinson: Oh my ggg - -
Ted Mosby: I just have to figure out how to get into Lily's room.
Marshall Eriksen: Easy. The lock on her door is busted, so...
Ted Mosby: The drainpipe!
Marshall Eriksen: What?
Ted Mosby: No big deal, I can totally climb it. I'll call you when it's done.
Marshall Eriksen: Her door is unlock-
Ted Mosby: Well... it's awkward, I mean, the guy used to be my boss. So, I went to talk to the managing partner...
Brady: Fire him.
Ted Mosby: Well, sir, I was thinking he could just be put on a different project.
Ted Mosby: Fire him! He's an arrogant, washed-up, pain in the ass. In fact, fire everyone on that project. Druthers, Mosby, the whole lot of them.
Ted Mosby: Mosby, sir? I, I... I hear Mosby's doing some great work.
Brady: Fine, Mosby can stay. But tell him he's on thin ice. Come here.
Brady: I like you, Crosby.
Ted: Maybe I should call her. What do you guys think?
Barney: You dumped a pornstar? Friendship over.
Barney: Friendship over!
Ellen Pierce: You give me 3 days and I will find the woman you will marry.
Ted: No, thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's New York, you know. Plenty of fish in the sea!
Ellen Pierce: Plenty of fish in the sea!
Ellen Pierce: There's 9 million people in New York. 4.5 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone roughly your own age - let's say plus, minus 5 years. So if you take into account the most recent census data that leaves us with 482,000 women. But wait! 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility. And then you have to take out the ex girlfriends and the relatives. And, oh, you can't forget those lesbians. And then that leaves us with 8 women.
Ted: That can't be right! Eight? Really? Eight?
Ellen Pierce: There are 8 fish in that big blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there's the door.
Ted: ...Do you take credit cards?
Marshall: Ted, how do I explain this to you. Last night, I ate the best cake of my life. Do you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life? Hell no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake and I'm gonna get some more cake.
Ted: That cake really got to you?
Marshall: It haunts me.
Barney: Or, it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter! Even better, triple threat: hotter, and bigger boobs!
Ted: That's only two.
Barney: Count again...
Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think architects are hot. Think about it, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There's nobody hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.
Barney Stinson: One time I met a girl... at this very bar...
Barney Stinson: I saw that she had the crazy eyes... but I ignored it. And then, sure enough...
Lauren: Barney, can I ask you a question?
Barney Stinson: Anything.
Lauren: Would you like to have a three-some?
Barney Stinson: Of course...
Lauren: Great! It would be me, you and Mr Weasels!
Ted Mosby: So, did you do it ?
Barney Stinson: No. It ended up being just the two-some. With the third one watching from a chair.
Ted Mosby: Which one were you ?
Barney Stinson: I'd rather not say.
Older Ted: It got so bad Barney even tried being his own wing man.
Barney: Hi. Have you met me?
Robin: I think I like your suit.
Ted: I think I like your new french horn.
Robin: I think I like your nose.
Ted: I think I'm in love with you.
Robin: What?
Ted Mosby: As you can see, I do just fine on my own. I don't need a baby-sitter.
Barney Stinson: See. All this time, I thought you need a wingman to fly, but the truth is you... you've got your own wings now.
Ted Mosby: Hmm.
Barney Stinson: Since you and Robin split, you've been gestating. Growing in your cocoon. And last night... you burst out of that cocoon... , like a majestic, uh... gosh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon? I was always bad at science.
Lily Aldrin: He's gonna say it.
Ted Mosby: A butterfly?
Ted Mosby: What?
Barney Stinson: Nothing, buddy.
Ted Mosby: Ow! Why did that hurt so...? Oh my God!
Ted Mosby: I have a tattoo!
Barney Stinson: Oh, that's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.
Ted Mosby: Barney, what are you doing? You can't take this apartment from Marshall and Lily.
Barney Stinson: You think I have no morals whatsoever? I'm only pretending to live here so I can take this woman here, nail her and never have to see her again. I'm not a monster.
Marshall: She's never seen Star Wars? Ted the only people in the universe who have never seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars and that's cause they lived them Ted, that's cause they lived the Star Wars.
Ted: You've gotta calm down.
Marshall: I told you. I told you that you don't know this girl well enough. What if you show it to her and she doesn't like it?
Ted: Dude, it's just a movie.
Marshall: Ted, Star Wars is your all time favorite movie, and whether or not Stella actually likes it is really important. Its like a test of how compatible you guys are.
Ted: Marshall, its just a movie.
Marshall: Ha.
Ted: Its just a movie.
Ted: Ok, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her.
Marshall: No, you can't.
Ted: Wanna watch it again?
Marshall: Yes I do.
Ted Mosby: I think we should go someplace else. In this bar I will always be known as the guy who was left at the altar. It sucks.
Barney Stinson: Good Times.
Ted Mosby: Uh-oh, we lost Barney.
Robin Scherbatsky: What'ya mean?
Lily Aldrin: There's a woman over there in a tight red sweater, and he's not listening to a word we're saying.
Barney Stinson: Gimme a Break!
Ted Mosby: Long ago, he learned that he can fake a conversation by listing black sitcoms from the '70s and '80s. Right, Barney?
Barney Stinson: What's Happenin'?
Lily Aldrin: Hey, Barney. Wanna go with me and do stuff that I don't even let Marshall do to me?
Barney Stinson: Diff'rent Strokes!
Ted Mosby: So, how many people are in on this Party School Bingo thing?
Barney Stinson: Oh, it's just me.
Ted Mosby: So what's the point, then?
Barney Stinson: The point is to get five in a row.
Ted Mosby: And what do you get when you get five in a row?
Barney Stinson: I get Bingo.
We hope you enjoyed reading our collection of Ted Mosby quotes. You can also browse other How I Met Your Mother quotes . If you think we missed any quote from Ted Mosby or How I Met Your Mother, please send it to us.