Barney Stinson Quotes

Latest Barney Stinson quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Barney Stinson

Barney Stinson chatacter image

Barney Stinson is played by Neil Patrick Harris in How I Met Your Mother.

Quotes

Ted Mosby: Barney, you've really grown up, you know that?
Barney Stinson: Thanks, now lets watch our two best friends have sex on tape! image

Ted Mosby: Barney, you've really grown up, you know that?
Barney Stinson: Thanks, now lets watch our two best friends have sex on tape!

Bro bro bro your broat, gently to the bar. Hit on some sluts then do 10 shots... image

Bro bro bro your broat, gently to the bar. Hit on some sluts then do 10 shots...

 I love the office Halloween party, it is so much sluttier than the office Christmas Party though not as freaky as the office Presidents Day rave. image

I love the office Halloween party, it is so much sluttier than the office Christmas Party though not as freaky as the office Presidents Day rave.

Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP! image

Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP!

Barney Stinson: Stop pining over Marshall and Lily! Have some self respect. Now put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with...
Ted Mosby: Barney! I'm allowed to miss them alright? They're my two best friends.
Barney Stinson: I'm your two best friends!

Daddy's home. image

Daddy's home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Barney, what are you doing here? I can't believe it's really you. Come in. Have a seat. You want some tea? I know the apartment's small, I don't need much space. Let me show you some of my paintings, I think it's some of my best work ever..." Just stop it! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something that most people search their whole lives for, and never find. I know you love him, and if you knew what he was going through right now, you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know, and it won't be long until someone else realizes that, and you'll lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening. And I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it to the nail, this trip never happened.

Barney Stinson: Now, come one, pa-cow, you're the most awesome person I have ever known, well, the second most awesome.
Robin Scherbatsky: Right, of course, the first being you.
Barney Stinson: No, no, the first is this guy who lives in a place called the mirror, what-up. image

Barney Stinson: Now, come one, pa-cow, you're the most awesome person I have ever known, well, the second most awesome.
Robin Scherbatsky: Right, of course, the first being you.
Barney Stinson: No, no, the first is this guy who lives in a place called the mirror, what-up.

Okay! 200. Now what? image

Okay! 200. Now what?

Bro bro bro your broat, gently to the bar. Hit on some sluts then do 10 shots... image

Bro bro bro your broat, gently to the bar. Hit on some sluts then do 10 shots...

Hey kid, you know how your mom won't let you have ice-cream until after dinner? But then the waiting kind of makes it taste better? I've been waiting two months for that bowl of ice cream and tonight I'm gonna have sex with it.

#11

Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge open you up, take a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all down hill from here.

#12

Uh lets see, suits, laser tag, I say "wait for it" a lot, that's pretty much it.

#13

Back boobs... the visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggy style, patent pending.

#14

Barney Stinson: [Barney tries to ask the bus driver to drive to the hospital where Lily is giving birth] Sir, this man is having a baby tonight. Instead of going to St Marcus Hospital, we're going to Buffalo - and I've seen women from there, the city's aptly named. Look, I'm a screw-up; I'm having something special with this girl Quinn and I ruined it. But this guy
Barney Stinson: , he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoting since he was 18 years old. There are a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them. He deserves to be at the birth of his son. So what do you say?
Bus Driver: Unless it's an emergency, I'm not allowed to stop so sit down, watch Cocoon 2, and shut up!

#15

Barney: Seven years ago when Marshall and Lily got engaged Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said "oh yeah you just know she likes it dirty," but Ted really liked her so we played "Haaave you met Ted?" They went to dinner, he walked her home, should have kissed her, didn't, lame. So he stole the Smurf penis, went back to her place, should have kissed her, didn't, lame. He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof but decided to be friends, lame. Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria. Didn't kiss her either, lame. Not a great closer Ted. Then he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil came back with a Latin stud. Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning it as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus we made up... Robin and I started dating and I got fat her hair fell out. We broke up, Robin dated Don, I dated Nora. I cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin but not for long and then I met you and you took my Grandpa's watch, but I fell in love with you anyway and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said yes so we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything. Also I went on the Price Is Right and I won a dune buggy!

#16

Bro bro bro your broat, gently to the bar. Hit on some sluts then do 10 shots...

#17

Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye before you get stab-stabbed.

#18

Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye before you get stab-stabbed.

#19

Oh my God, can you just be cool? Once. Please! Just once!... Can you just once be cool? Once! Please!

#20

Shut it Ralph Macchio! Why don't you have a party with Luke Skywalker, and Harry Potter, and War Horse, and all the other movie bad guys and stop ruining mine!

#21

Barney Stinson: You know, I'm not worried about a wildcard anymore, whether its Uncle Vick, Aunt Shelley, or the ring-bear.
Robin Scherbatsky: Ringbear-er!
Barney Stinson: If any of those mammals go rogue, our wedding's gonna be Legendary.
Robin Scherbatsky: No wait for it?
Barney Stinson: I've got you. I don't have to wait for it anymore.

#22

Barney Stinson: You're my best friend, and my best man. Of course I trust you.
Barney Stinson: Oh come on, you don't have to cry about it.
Ted Mosby: It's not that. That was a $600 bottle of scotch!
Barney Stinson: Oh my ggg - -

Barney Stinson: I see what you're doing, you didn't bring your dad here to marry us, you wanna get him back together with mom, which is completely insane, by the way.
James Stinson: My dad is single, mom is single, your dad is happily married and with two kids. Which one makes more sense?
Barney Stinson: I agree, it's a tie.

#24

 You're moving to Chicago? Is that even a real place? It's a style of pizza. Ted, you can't live in a pizza. image

You're moving to Chicago? Is that even a real place? It's a style of pizza. Ted, you can't live in a pizza.

#25

You're moving to Chicago? Is that even a real place? It's a style of pizza. Ted, you can't live in a pizza.

#26

A few final thoughts, don't get married until you're thirty. Play laser tag once a week. Give at least as many high fives as you get. Teacup pigs are lady magnets, but are very hard to care for... Not worth the effort. The same goes for dogs and babies. And most importantly, whatever you do in this life... it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it. Good luck boys. Take care of the game for me.

#27

Barney Stinson: God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, although a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome. But God, if you could get me out of this, I swear I will never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ev...
Barney Stinson: Oh, hang on, bro...

#28

Barney: Or, it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter! Even better, triple threat: hotter, and bigger boobs!
Ted: That's only two.
Barney: Count again...

Penelope: Okay, crouch down and bend over a little bit.
Barney: Wow, it took 5 shots of tequila to get you in that position.
Penelope: I will throw you off this roof.
Barney: So much of your mom in you.

#30

When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead. True story

#31

Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think architects are hot. Think about it, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There's nobody hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.

Barney Stinson: One time I met a girl... at this very bar...
Barney Stinson: I saw that she had the crazy eyes... but I ignored it. And then, sure enough...
Lauren: Barney, can I ask you a question?
Barney Stinson: Anything.
Lauren: Would you like to have a three-some?
Barney Stinson: Of course...
Lauren: Great! It would be me, you and Mr Weasels!
Ted Mosby: So, did you do it ?
Barney Stinson: No. It ended up being just the two-some. With the third one watching from a chair.
Ted Mosby: Which one were you ?
Barney Stinson: I'd rather not say.

Older Ted: It got so bad Barney even tried being his own wing man.
Barney: Hi. Have you met me?

Lily, I love you. But asking someone to come see your play is like asking for a ride to the airport, or to crash on someone's couch or to help you move. Call a cab, book a room, hire some movers and repeat after me, friends don't let friends come see their crappy play!

#35

Ted Mosby: As you can see, I do just fine on my own. I don't need a baby-sitter.
Barney Stinson: See. All this time, I thought you need a wingman to fly, but the truth is you... you've got your own wings now.
Ted Mosby: Hmm.
Barney Stinson: Since you and Robin split, you've been gestating. Growing in your cocoon. And last night... you burst out of that cocoon... , like a majestic, uh... gosh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon? I was always bad at science.
Lily Aldrin: He's gonna say it.
Ted Mosby: A butterfly?
Ted Mosby: What?
Barney Stinson: Nothing, buddy.
Ted Mosby: Ow! Why did that hurt so...? Oh my God!
Ted Mosby: I have a tattoo!
Barney Stinson: Oh, that's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.

Ted Mosby: Barney, what are you doing? You can't take this apartment from Marshall and Lily.
Barney Stinson: You think I have no morals whatsoever? I'm only pretending to live here so I can take this woman here, nail her and never have to see her again. I'm not a monster.

The point is, marriage is stupid. Every year there are a million hot, new 22-year olds going into bars, and call me glass-half-full, but I think they're getting dumber.

#38

Ted, this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing here, vibrating jello pit right there, rotating Vietnamese shame wheel right here... don't ask you're not ready.

#39

Ted Mosby: I think we should go someplace else. In this bar I will always be known as the guy who was left at the altar. It sucks.
Barney Stinson: Good Times.
Ted Mosby: Uh-oh, we lost Barney.
Robin Scherbatsky: What'ya mean?
Lily Aldrin: There's a woman over there in a tight red sweater, and he's not listening to a word we're saying.
Barney Stinson: Gimme a Break!
Ted Mosby: Long ago, he learned that he can fake a conversation by listing black sitcoms from the '70s and '80s. Right, Barney?
Barney Stinson: What's Happenin'?
Lily Aldrin: Hey, Barney. Wanna go with me and do stuff that I don't even let Marshall do to me?
Barney Stinson: Diff'rent Strokes!

Ted Mosby: So, how many people are in on this Party School Bingo thing?
Barney Stinson: Oh, it's just me.
Ted Mosby: So what's the point, then?
Barney Stinson: The point is to get five in a row.
Ted Mosby: And what do you get when you get five in a row?
Barney Stinson: I get Bingo.

Barney Stinson: If you did all the things on this list, I would call that a fun weekend.
Ted Mosby: Are you kidding? If you did all the things on the list, you'd be dead. That's not a chall...
Barney Stinson: Challenge accepted! For the next 24 hours, I will do everything on this list. If I do, Ted will come with me and TP the laser tag.
Ted Mosby: And if you can't?
Barney Stinson: I will listen to you talk about architecture for three hours.
Ted Mosby: Agreed. Robin, will you do the honors?
Robin Scherbatsky: Gentlemen's agreement!
Barney Stinson: Okay, chumps, let's do this. Barneeey ah-Stinsonnn!

Barney Stinson: How do you keep a girl from becoming a girlfriend? The rules for girls are the same as the rules for Gremlins.
Ted Mosby: Gremlins?
Barney Stinson: Gremlins. Rule 1: Never get them wet; in other words, don't let her take a shower at your place. Number 2: Keep them away from sunlight; i.e., don't ever see them during the day. And rule number 3: Never feed them after midnight; meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever!
Ted Mosby: What about brunch. Is brunch cool?
Barney Stinson: No, Ted. Brunch is not cool.

Ted Mosby: Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?
Barney Stinson: No, not really.
Ted Mosby: T'was the night before, I had hours to kill. I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.
Barney Stinson: With quill?
Ted Mosby: Barney. It's a poem.
Ted Mosby: A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin.Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "you're a teacher?" I said, "yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned. "I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper To my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.

Ted Mosby: I sent a cab with a female driver so she would have no other male interaction until she came to me.
Barney Stinson: Where she will still have no interaction with a man. What up? I feel good tonight. Tonight's gonna be good.

Barney Stinson: I had a drinking game based on Robin. Well, actually, it was on Robin. I poured peach schnapps into her belly button...
Ted Mosby: Dude, we've been through this. Don't tell me.
Barney Stinson: Very well. She didn't like it, anyway. Said it woke her up.

Ted: Maybe I should call her. What do you guys think?
Barney: You dumped a pornstar? Friendship over.
Barney: Friendship over!

Ted, this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing here, vibrating jello pit right there, rotating Vietnamese shame wheel right here... don't ask you're not ready.

#48

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