Jordan Belfort Quotes
Latest Jordan Belfort quotes from The Wolf of Wall Street
Jordan Belfort is played by Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street.
Donnie and I were going out on our own. And the first thing we needed was brokers. Guys with sales experience. So I recruited some of my home town boys. Sea Otter, who sold meat and weed. Chester, who sold tires and weed. And Robbie, who sold anything he can get his hands on, mostly weed. This is Brad, and Brad is the guy I really wanted. But he didn't go along with us. He was making so much money selling Quaaludes that he become the Quaalude King of Bayside.
Jordan Belfort: Oh my God! You had to deal with the Golf Course people too! What a greek tragedy! Honey oh my God!, you probably had to pay them in cash with your hands! What a fucking burden, and actually had to do some work besides swiping my fucking credit card all day? Huh? Cause I can't keep track of your professions honey! Last month you were a wine connoisseur, and now you're an aspiring landscape architect, Isn't that right?
Naomi Lapaglia: Fuck you!
Jordan Belfort: Don't you dare throw that fucking water on me! Don't you fucking dare!
Jordan Belfort: So, Bay Ridge, that's near Staten Island, right?
Naomi Lapaglia: Brooklyn. Across the Verrazano's Bridge.
Jordan Belfort: Saturday Night Fever territory.
Naomi Lapaglia: That's right! Guinea Gulch. We call the Verrazano's Bridge the Guinea Gangplank.
Jordan Belfort: So, I presume you're Italian.
Naomi Lapaglia: On my Dad's side. I'm also Dutch, German, English. I'm a mutt.
Jordan Belfort: You're a mutt.
Naomi Lapaglia: Yeah. I still have family over there, though. In London. My Aunt Emma. She's the best. Very British, you know. She's a classy lady.
Jordan Belfort: That explains it then.
Naomi Lapaglia: Explains what?
Jordan Belfort: Explains you. I mean, you're a duchess right, the Duchess of Bay Ridge.
Actually, the madness started on our very first day, when one of our brokers, Ben Jenner, christened the elevator by getting a blow job from the sales assistant. Her name was Pam and to her credit, she did have this amazing technique with this wild twisting jerk motion. About a month later, Donnie and I decided to double team her on a Saturday afternoon while our wives were out shopping for Christmas presents. Eventually Ben married her, which was pretty amazing, considering she blew every single guy in the office. Well, he got depressed and killed himself about three years later.
But before you depart this room full of winners, I want you to take a good look at the person next to you. Go on. Because sometime in the not-so-distant future, you're gonna be pulling up at a red light, in your beat-up old fucking Pinto, and that person's gonna be pulling up right alongside you in their brand new Porsche. With their beautiful wife by their side, who's got big voluptuous tits. And who're you gonna be sitting next to? Some disgusting wildebeest with three days of razor-stubble, in a sleeveless muumuu, crammed in next to you in a carload full of groceries from the fucking Price Club. That's who you're gonna be sitting next to!
Naomi Lapaglia: So I was a little surprised you asked Christie for my number.
Jordan Belfort: Yeah? Why's that?
Naomi Lapaglia: Aren't you married?
Jordan Belfort: What? Married people can't have friends?
Naomi Lapaglia: We're gonna be friends?
Jordan Belfort: Yeah. Don't you wanna be my friend?
Naomi Lapaglia: We're not gonna be friends.
Jordan Belfort: Does Daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls?
Naomi Lapaglia: Oh, no. No, Daddy doesn't even get to touch Mommy for a very, very... very long time.
Jordan Belfort: Daddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room, he didn't mean any of it!
Naomi Lapaglia: Daddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on... it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, Daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.
Jordan Belfort: Yeah?
Naomi Lapaglia: Yeah.
Naomi Lapaglia: But no touching.
Jordan Belfort: Oh, gosh.
Jordan Belfort: I want to stay married, Dad, but it's crazy out there. Some of these girls, you should see them. Oh, my God. They're fuckin' - the things they're doing now, Pops, I mean, I mean, it's on a whole other level.
Max Belfort: Really?
Jordan Belfort: And they're all shaved too.
Max Belfort: Get outta here.
Jordan Belfort: All shaven now.
Max Belfort: Are you kidding me?
Jordan Belfort: Yeah.
Max Belfort: No bush?
Jordan Belfort: Bald. Bald as as China doll.
Max Belfort: No bush?
Jordan Belfort: No bush.
Max Belfort: Oh my God.
Jordan Belfort: All the sudden I - one week - nobody had anything down there any more.
Max Belfort: It's a new world.
Jordan Belfort: They're bald - they're bald from the eyebrows down.
Max Belfort: Wow!
Jordan Belfort: Nothing. Not a stitch. It's like lasers.
Max Belfort: Wow. New world. See. I was born too - too early.
Jordan Belfort: I've never been a fan of the bush, to be honest.
Max Belfort: Really?
Jordan Belfort: Yeah.
Max Belfort: I don't mind it.
Max Belfort: $430,000 in one month, Jordy. Huh?
Jordan Belfort: They're business expenses.
Max Belfort: Jordy, look what you've got here. Look at this! $26,000 for one fucking dinner!
Jordan Belfort: No, no, this can be explained. Dad, we had clients, Pfizer clients. Champagne.
Nicky Koskoff: The porterhouse from Argentina.
Jordan Belfort: Expensive champagne and the what, we had to buy champagne.
Jordan Belfort: And you brought in all the sides... Tell him about the sides.
Donnie Azoff: I ordered the sides, so...
Max Belfort: Sides? Sides? $26,000 worth of sides? What are these sides? They cure cancer?
Donnie Azoff: The sides did cure cancer, that's the problem, that's why they were so expensive.
Jordan Belfort: Shut the fuck up!
Donnie Azoff: I'm serious.
My name is Jordan Belfort. I'm a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.
Jordan Belfort: On a daily basis I consume enough drugs to sedate Manhattan, Long Island, and Queens for a month. I take Quaaludes 10-15 times a day for my "back pain", Adderall to stay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again, and morphine... Well, because it's awesome. But of all the drugs under God's blue heaven, here is one that is my absolute favourite. See, enough of this shit will make you invincible - able to concur the world. And eviscerate your enemies.
Jordan Belfort: And I'm not talking about this... I'm talking about this.
I am not gonna die sober!
Jordan Belfort: An I.P.O. is an initial public offering. It's the first time a stock is offered for sale to the general population. Now as the firm taking the company public, we set the initial sales price then sold those shares right back to our friends. Yet...
Jordan Belfort: Look, I know you're not following what I'm saying anyway, right? That's... that's okay, that doesn't matter. The real question is this: was all this legal? Absolutely fucking not. But we were making more money than we knew what do with.
So you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your credit card bills? Good, pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you're a fucking worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich!
I'm sober for two years, stopped my drugs, settled down with my wife and kids, and then this happens! Rugrat gets busted down in Miami, and guess who happens to be with him? Saurel! That's right, out of all the Swiss bankers in Miami, it had to be him! Even more fucked, is that he got busted for shit that had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to fucking do with me! Some stuff about running drugs with Rocky Aoki, you know, the founder of Benihana? Benihana... Beni-fucking-hana? BENI-FUCKING-HANA? WHY? WHY, GOD? Why would You be so cruel as to use the king of Japanese restaurants to take me down?
Look, I knew these guys weren't like Harvard MBAs. Robbie Feinberg, the Pinhead, took five years to finish high school. Alden Kupferberg, the Sea Otter, didn't even graduate. Chester Ming, the depraved China man, thought jujitsu was in Israel. Smartest of the bunch was Nicky Koskoff. He actually went to law school. I called him Rugrat because of his piece of shit hairpiece. Still, give them to me young, hungry, and stupid, and in no time, I'll make 'em rich.
The Quaalude, or lude, as it is commonly referred to, was first synthesized in 1951 by an Indian doctor - that's dots, not feathers - as a sedative, and was prescribed to stressed-out housewives with sleep disorders. But pretty soon, somebody figured out that if you resisted the urge to sleep for just fifteen minutes, you got a pretty kick-ass high from it. Didn't take long for people to start abusing ludes, of course, and in 1982 the U.S. government "Schedule 1'd" them, along with the rest of the world. Which meant there was only a finite amount of these things left. No shit. You can't even buy them anymore. You people are all shit out of luck.
So you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your credit card bills? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you're a fucking worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich! All you have to do today is pick up that phone and speak the words that I have taught you. And I will make you richer than the most powerful CEO in the United States of fucking America!
Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I have been a rich man and I have been a poor man. And I choose rich every fuckin' time. Because, at least as a rich man, when I have to face my problems, I show up in the back of the limo, wearing a $2000 suit and a $40,000 gold fuckin' watch.
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