The Big Bang Theory Quotes

I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it's more like Doctor Why Bother.

There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village, they kill him and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense, of course - but one can see their point.

Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious giant dictator?
Rajesh Koothrappali: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
Howard Wolowitz: That's why I added the "tator".

Bazinga, punk! Now we're even!

Arthur Jeffries: So you have any single grandmothers?
Penny: Sorry, they're both married.
Arthur Jeffries: Happily?

Amy Farrah Fowler: Bernadette is a successful microbiologist. She should be celebrated for her achievements, not her looks. I mean, what kind of message does that send?
Penny: I think the message is, "Check out the rack on that scientist!"

Amy Farrah Fowler: Ooh, you just chose champions. It's like we're re-enacting the ancient German practice of trial by combat.
Penny: It's also like when the Mountain fought the Red Viper in Game of Thrones.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Leonard makes you watch that, too?
Penny: No, I like that show. It's got dragons and people doing it.

Thor and Dr. Jones, Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones.

I had a song stuck in my head, and then I realized the song was about you. And just like an earworm, I can't get you out of my heart. What I'm trying to say is, you're my heartworm. The metaphorical kind, not the poodle-killing kind.

Howard Wolowitz: It feels like it wasn't that long ago we were here doing this for Halley.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: 'Cause it wasn't. Which reminds me, before we leave, let's get you a vasectomy.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that's sweet, but today is all about you.

Lego is the perfect metaphor for marital congress. Two pieces that interlock with a satisfying snap.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's just that work's been crazy, and the minute I get home, I have two kids hanging on me, and sometimes I don't want babies pulling my hair and pinching my belly fat.
Penny Hofstadter: That'd be a good slogan for a condom company.

Sheldon: Uhm, Penny, that's where I sit.
Penny: So sit next to me.
Sheldon: No, I sit there.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: What's the difference?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on.

Mary: I have been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody else, but you can't go around pointing it out.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: Because people don't like it!

Sheldon Cooper: So, lack of a physiological reaction while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?
Sheldon Cooper: No. I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.

Dmitri: The answer is minus eight pi alpha.
Sheldon: Hang on, hang on a second, that is not our answer! What are you doing?
Dmitri: Answering question; winning physics bowl.
Sheldon: How do you know anything about physics?
Dmitri: Here I am janitor. In former Soviet Union, I am physicist; Leningrad Polytechnica - Go Polar Bears.

Howard Wolowitz: Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Howard Wolowitz: Just do it.
Penny: It's - it's a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, fair enough.
Howard Wolowitz: He came with a manual.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon! How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon Cooper: They were clever, Leonard: they exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.

Sheldon Cooper: Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.
Penny: Yeah, well, your "ken" can kiss my Barbie.

Penny: Hmm... Cute dresses. I bet this looks great on you.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're not living together.
Penny: Okay. Hmm... Scented candles, fuzzy slippers. Ooh, floral bed sheets.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're not living together!
Penny: Okay, moving on. Uh, who are these guys at Disney World?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh... the big dog is Goofy. And... the older couple with the mouse ears, I have no idea.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're not living together!
Penny: You're gonna go down swinging, huh? All right. Well, we've got your body lotion, your "In Style" magazine, your jewelry box.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're not- where's my Bat-Signal?
Penny: You have a Bat-Signal?
Leonard Hofstadter: I did. It was right here. She must have...
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, my God. We're living together.
Penny: Really? What was your first clue?

Barry Kripke: You afwaid of heights,Cooper?
Sheldon Cooper: Hardly. A fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.

Penny: There! Looks fine, right?
Leonard Hofstadter: Mmm... butt print. There's not discernible butt print.
Penny: Oh, come on.
Penny: There! Butt print.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's too small and too... perfect.
Penny: Thank you!

Sheldon: You know, Penny, there is something that occurs in beehives that you might find interesting. Occasionally a new queen bee will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.
Penny: What are you saying? That I'm threatened by Alicia, that I'm like the old queen of the hive and it's just time for me to go?
Sheldon: I'm just taking about bees. They're on the Discovery Channel. What are you talking about?

Stuart: Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It's mind-blowing.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me! Spoiler alert!
Stuart: But I didn't spoil anything.
Sheldon Cooper: You told me it's mind-blowing, so my mind is going into it pre-blown, and once a mind is *pre*-blown, it cannot be re-blown.
Stuart: I'm sorry.
Sheldon Cooper: Said the Grinch to Christmas.

Raj Koothrappali: You want me to work with you.
Sheldon Cooper: For me. You're going to have to listen more carefully when you're on the job.
Raj Koothrappali: Please don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather swim naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.
Sheldon Cooper: For me.

Penny: Here, what's going on?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he's in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we're in, but he can't perceive us.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't flatter yourself; I'm just ignoring you.

Sheldon Cooper: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid!
Sheldon Cooper: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and it makes me sad.
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Sheldon Cooper: They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.
Leonard Hofstadter: We like games.
Sheldon Cooper: Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 through 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics... and Ms. Pac-Man.
Officer Hackett: Assorted video games.

Sheldon Cooper: Penny?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny?
Penny: Penny?
Sheldon Cooper: That's just wrong.

Sheldon Cooper: You did this, didn't you?
Wil Wheaton: You think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I suppose not.
Wil Wheaton: Good. Keep thinking that.
Sheldon Cooper: Wheaton!

Sheldon Cooper: Yes?
Leonard: I'm Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment and you said to come by...
Sheldon Cooper: I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon Cooper: You said you were a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas?
Leonard: Radon?
Sheldon Cooper: Are you asking me or telling me?
Leonard: Telling you?
Leonard: Telling you.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Next question. Kirk or Picard?
Leonard: That's tricky... Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
Sheldon Cooper: Correct. You have passed the first barrier to roommatehood. You may enter.

Althea: I need a orderly with a wheelchair. I got a robot hand grasping a man's penis out here.
Howard Wolowitz: You think you could you be a little more discreet?
Althea: I'm sorry, we don't have a code for "robot hand grasping a man's penis".

Raj Koothrappali: You're so arrogant! If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance!
Sheldon Cooper: You're wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto.

Leonard Hofstadter: No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out my problem with women.
Sheldon Cooper: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.
Leonard Hofstadter: What does that have to with me and women?
Sheldon Cooper: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.

Penny: You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.
Sheldon Cooper: That's the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video, which I've never watched in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it's really scary.

Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life.
Sheldon Cooper: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
Zack: No, I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people.
Leonard Hofstadter: They might be smarter than some people.
Zack: Maybe we can do an experiment to find out.
Sheldon Cooper: That's easy enough. We need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.
Zack: I don't get it.
Leonard Hofstadter: A dolphin might.
Zack: Oh, I see. You guys are inferring that I'm stupid.
Sheldon Cooper: That's not correct. We were implying it. You then inferred it.

Howard Wolowitz: Ma, ma, calm dow- listen to me! I know it says click with the mouse, but on a laptop the trackpad is the mouse. Now put your finger on it.
Howard Wolowitz: Doesn't matter which finger.
Howard Wolowitz: Good choice. Now move it down to your e-mail icon.
Howard Wolowitz: The little envelope.
Howard Wolowitz: What do you mean what does it look like? It looks like an envelope!
Howard Wolowitz: Fine, you don't like the computer, don't use it!
Howard Wolowitz: Sure. We can exchange it for a salad spinner. Good-bye.
Raj Koothrappali: That's a Hanukkah present you're regretting, huh?
Sheldon Cooper: I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged. But, if we made an example of one or two it might give the others incentive to try harder.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I didn't do it for the money.
Sheldon Cooper: She stiffed you?
Penny: I believe that's what your roommate did to her.
Sheldon Cooper: What?
Penny: Again, read the book we gave you!

Sheldon Cooper: All my friends?
Sheldon Cooper: All my friends?
Sheldon Cooper: All my friends?
Howard Wolowitz: I think it's like "Beetlejuice"; we said his name too many times.

Penny: Sheldon and Amy had sex.
Raj Koothrappali: Shut your ass!
Penny: Mm-hmm. Amy told me.
Raj Koothrappali: How did that even happen? Did they know that's what they were doing when they were doing it?

Howard Wolowitz: Mom also had just gotten some news that might've upset her.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What?
Howard Wolowitz: It's not important.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Come on, Howard, I'm going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you'd think that, but no.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart attack?
Howard Wolowitz: You can't take that personally.
Penny: How else is she supposed to take it?
Howard Wolowitz: What you've gotta keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I've been the whole world to my mother. I mean, she'd be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can't.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You mean sexual intercourse?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, when you say it like that, you make it sound creepy.
Priya Koothrappali: What happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard's mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can't!

Penny: Look, Honey, I was really drunk and made a huge mistake last night. We should have never slept together; it's what ruins friendships.
Raj Koothrappali: You can't ruin a friendship with sex; that's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

Raj Koothrappali: I don't know if I want to play anymore.
Sheldon Cooper: Because you don't have a girlfriend? Good lord, if that becomes a reason to not play Dungeons & Dragons, this game's in serious trouble.

Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!

Oh no! They sent the wrong Spock! Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto!

Sheldon Cooper: Here's an interesting fact about flags.
Raj Koothrappali: I will take that action.
Sheldon Cooper: The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti were identical by coincidence; a fact that wasn't discovered until they competed against each other at the 1936 Olympics. And thankfully their embarrassment was overshadowed by the rise of fascism.

Sheldon Cooper: Kripke.
Barry Kripke: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: You're in my spot.

Sheldon Cooper: Quantum physics makes me so happy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah? I'm glad.
Sheldon Cooper: It's like looking at the universe naked.

Sheldon Cooper: Quantum physics makes me so happy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah? I'm glad.
Sheldon Cooper: It's like looking at the universe naked.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Hello, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing?
Amy Farrah Fowler: We're playing doctor... Star Trek style.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm in hell, Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't stop.

Raj Koothrappali: Isn't this romantic?
Sheldon Cooper: I hope that's a rhetorical question, because I don't know.

Sheldon Cooper: How could you not find him?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because he's hard to find! If he was easy to find, the books would be called "There's Waldo!"

Wil Wheaton: Sheldon, do you really think we're going to fight?
Sheldon Cooper: My fists are not up here because I'm milking a giant, invisible cow.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon. This isn't helping. Why don't you just let me get some rest?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, how can you sleep? I'm not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you, and apply Vaporub to your chest.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Y-You- You want to rub something on my chest?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. All over it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe we should start with that.
Sheldon Cooper: Now you're being a responsible patient. Now, you may notice some tingling.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I'm counting on it.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, your food's getting cold.
Sheldon Cooper: I'll eat later. Right now I'm suckling at the informative bosom of Mother Physics.
Penny: Hot when Sheldon talks dirty.

Leonard Hofstadter: So, Amy, what's going on with your addiction study?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sadly, I'm no longer associated with that project.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why? What happened?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own feces back at them, and suddenly you're unprofessional.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry... that I asked.

Sheldon Cooper: I understand you may have a bad impression of me; so, I bought you a gift.
Janine Davis: Uh, Doctor Cooper, that's not necessary.
Sheldon Cooper: It's too late. Get ready to like me.
Janine Davis: Roots?
Sheldon Cooper: The tragic history of slavery in America; fun for the whole family.
Janine Davis: Why would you think this is an appropriate gift?
Sheldon Cooper: Um... Well... You are black, right?
Janine Davis: This meeting is come to an end.
Sheldon Cooper: Because you want to start watching it right now. Copy that.
Sheldon Cooper: Let's see. Up next on the tenure committee is... Professor Wu. Get ready for the complete works of Jackie Chan.

Amy Farrah Fowler, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Penny: Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!
Sheldon Cooper, Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega!

Penny: Tell me something about you I don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: I own nine pairs of pants.
Penny: Okay, that-that's a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.
Sheldon Cooper: I see.
Penny: Mm.
Sheldon Cooper: I own nine pairs of underpants.

Sheldon Cooper: Amy ruined 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' for me. So, now I'm trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.
Howard Wolowitz: Because her life wasn't enough?

Amy Farrah Fowler: I missed you.
Sheldon Cooper: To quote Han Solo - I know.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Did you miss me?
Sheldon Cooper: I would have preferred to have you there with me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Awww.
Sheldon Cooper: Or instead of me.

Sheldon Cooper: I don't understand what we're doing.
James Earl Jones: Shhhh!
Sheldon Cooper: Whose house is this?
James Earl Jones: Carrie Fisher. And she's a little crazy, so get ready to run.
Carrie Fisher: It's not funny anymore, James!
James Earl Jones: Then why am I laughing?

Penny: Uh, that doesn't sound good.
Sheldon Cooper: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, we're ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny your check engine light is on.
Penny: Yes, I know it's on Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't afford this right now.
Sheldon Cooper: Maybe it's just something minor. Oh good news. The light just went out.

Penny: What's wrong with geology?
Sheldon Cooper: Let me put this in a way you'll understand Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren't real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.

Leonard Hofstadter: You know I want to marry you, but you're only doing this because you got fired and you're feeling sorry for yourself.
Penny: Okay, it may look that way, but getting fired from that movie was the best thing that could ever happen to me, okay? I finally realize I don't need to be famous or have some big career to be happy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Then what do you need?
Penny: You, you stupid Pop Tart!
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. Then I guess I'm in.
Penny: Really? You guess you're in?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not like "I guess I'm in:" Like "I guess... I'm IN!"
Penny: Okay. Cool.
Leonard Hofstadter: So is that it? Are we engaged?

Penny: Yeah, I think so.

Leonard Hofstadter: All right.
Penny: What's wrong?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not sure. Just feels a little anticlimactic.
Penny: Yeah, it kind of does, huh?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I know. This might help.
Penny: Where did you get a ring?
Leonard Hofstadter: I've... had it for a couple of years, not important.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, will you marry...
Penny: Oh, my God. Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: This would have been so much more romantic if you didn't have monkey hair on your finger.

Howard Wolowitz: I just want to pop and make sure that Ma's OK.
Raj Koothrappali: I thought Stuart was looking after her.
Howard Wolowitz: He was, but now that her cast is off, he moved out. Honestly, I'm kid of glad. It was getting a little weird.
Raj Koothrappali: How so?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't know, they were... chummy.
Raj Koothrappali: Like us?
Howard Wolowitz: No, not like us. Creepy chummy, like you and your dog.

Sheldon Cooper: I have some odd freckles on my buttocks. Can I make an an appointment for you to look at them?
Emily Sweeney: Um, OK. I guess.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm with him three years, nothing. She's with him two minutes and he's taking his pants off.

Sheldon Cooper: Now I'd like to welcome a very special guest. He put the Reading in your Rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte. Please welcome Mr. LeVar Burton.
LeVar Burton: Thank you, Sheldon. Now, you remember our deal.
Sheldon Cooper: You do this and I erase all your contact information.
LeVar Burton: While...
Sheldon Cooper: While you watch me do it.

Leonard Hofstadter: OK, we're headed out. See you later.
Sheldon Cooper: I know. Before you leave, can you help me test these noise cancelling headphones?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, sure.
Sheldon Cooper: Go ahead.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hello, can you hear me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, I haven't changed the filter in the water pitcher in two years.
Penny: Uh, Bernadette's nickname for you is the Virgin Pina Colada.
Leonard Hofstadter: Your George Lucas autograph is really a me autograph.
Penny: Yeah, well, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall so I used your toothbrush.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ooh, and at one time when you were asleep Amy totally took off her-
Leonard Hofstadter: And that's why you're the best roommate ever.
Sheldon Cooper: Aaaaw. Now I'm sad I didn't hear it.

Sheldon Cooper: What would constitute a perfect day for you?
Penny: Oh. Well, I'd probably sleep in, do a little yoga, then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks, and probably get a massage, and then cap off the night with some dancing.
Sheldon Cooper: That's it?
Penny: Yeah, why?
Sheldon Cooper: You didn't mention Leonard.
Penny: He's there.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't think so. Leonard can't stand yoga, the beach, massages, or dancing.
Penny: Yeah, well, he brought a book, okay, what's yours?
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Then a wormhole opens and whisks me millions of years into the future, where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.
Penny: Interesting. You didn't mention Amy.
Sheldon Cooper: Who do you think made the French toast with butter and syrup?

Penny: Sheldon!
Penny: Sheldon!
Penny: Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one, you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.
Penny: Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't recommend it, you'll be doing it the rest of your life.

Sheldon Cooper: I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think...
Amy Farrah Fowler: I've been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I've been incredibly patient for years.
Sheldon Cooper: Strongly disagree. Go on.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, well... this isn't easy to say, because I love you, but... I need some time to take a step back and reevaluate our situation.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I hope you understand.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Bye, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, Gollum, you're an expert on rings.
Sheldon Cooper: What do I do with this one?

Penny, we are made of particles that existed since the moment the universe began. I like to think those atoms travelled 14 billion years through time and space to create us so that we could be together and make each other whole.

Leonard Hofstadter: When did we get a wall safe?
Sheldon Cooper: When there was no more room in the floor safe.
Leonard Hofstadter: When did we get a floor safe?
Sheldon Cooper: When we got the security camera!
Leonard Hofstadter: There's a security camera?
Sheldon Cooper: Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh my God, we've done things on that couch.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, you don't have to tell me.

Meemaw: If you feel so strongly, I won't stand in your way.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: So if he wanted to give me that engagement ring, we would have your blessing?
Meemaw: I suppose
Sheldon Cooper: I just gave you my virginity, woman. Cool your jets!

Leslie Winkle: In the past I would have said something obnoxious, like "Happy birthday, dumbass," but I'm not going to do it. You and I have both grown a lot, and it's just so nice to see you all again. So... Happy birthday, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh now, you know I hate change. Say it.
Leslie Winkle: Happy birthday, dumbass!

Sheldon Cooper: Never have I ever drunk milk past its expiration date.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Never have I ever cancelled a dentist appointment.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, uh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean.Amy Farrah Fowler: Never have I ever honked if I liked anything.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught or touched a Frisbee.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Never have I ever put salt on my food without trying it first.
Sheldon Cooper: Unph. Never have I ever pushed all the buttons in an elevator.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, we all have a past.

Penny Hofstadter: Helium.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Taylor Swift.
Penny Hofstadter: Yes.
Penny Hofstadter: Pi.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Kardashian.
Penny Hofstadter: More specific.
Sheldon Cooper: Khloé?
Penny Hofstadter: Yes!
Sheldon Cooper: Ah! See, I remember because if it looks like Kim, it's Kim; if it looks kinda like Kim, it's Kourtney; if it looks nothing like Kim, it's Khloé.

Penny Hofstadter: [Sheldon holds up another card] Oh, that's a venn diagram. And I remember because I thought to myself: 'Venn is he going to stop talking about this diagram?'
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you guys doing?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hnh. Let me try.
Leonard Hofstadter: Atom of hydrogen; Adam of Maroon 5; mike drop.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, who is Mike Drop?

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard! Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: You realize you and I could become brothers?
Leonard Hofstadter: We're not going to be brothers; we're not going to be step-brothers. Go to sleep.
Sheldon Cooper: I hope you're right, 'cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother's wife is weird.
Leonard Hofstadter: Go to sleep.
Sheldon Cooper: OK.
Sheldon Cooper: You think your father's doing unspeakable things to my mother?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable?
Penny Hofstadter: Your parents are old; anything unspeakable was finished by .9:30. Go to sleep.
Sheldon Cooper: Very well.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry if this stuff is going to make the ceremony awkward.
Penny Hofstadter: Ah, I thought my brother fresh out of jail was going to make everyone uncomfortable, but now this...

Sheldon Cooper: Hey, if you want me to sleep, you're going to have to stop talking.

Raj Koothrappali: You coming?
Stuart Bloom: Just give me a minute.
Raj Koothrappali: Why?
Stuart Bloom: You know how you're wearing a bathing suit?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah.
Stuart Bloom: I kinda went the other way.
Howard Wolowitz: [Opens the window to yell at them] You jackasses just bought yourselves a hot tub!

Sheldon Cooper: I admire you, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really? Why?
Sheldon Cooper: You're happy with who you are. You don't get jealous of other people. Instead of being weighed down by ambition, you just float along like a dead body in a river.
Leonard Hofstadter: I couldn't just take the compliment. I had to ask why.

Mary Cooper: Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains... and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.
Sheldon Cooper: What's a... You thought I was going to be alone for the rest my life?
Mary Cooper: No, just for the middle part. At the end I assumed there'd be nurses.
Sheldon Cooper: This is highly insulting!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, don't over-react.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm the child she was worried about! I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn't power a potato clock! If I spotted them the potato!

Open a window; it's about to get smug in here.

Amy Farrah Fowler: He's getting better with dogs. Last week, he took a picture with Pluto at Disneyland.
Sheldon Cooper: If real dogs gave out buttons, I'd like them too.

Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon, what did Amy have that attracted you?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, so many things: her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.
Raj Koothrappali: Really!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Relax. We're the same blood type; he know he could harvest an organ.

Howard Wolowitz: How can you work on something for a year and they just take it?
Leonard Hofstadter: I can't believe the Air Force would treat us like that.
Sheldon Cooper: You know, I have a good mind to stop paying my taxes. It's too bad I enjoy doing them so much.

Sheldon Cooper: Amy.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy.
Sheldon Cooper: Will you marry me?

Penny: You asked Stephen Hawking and not her father?
Sheldon Cooper: Stephen Hawking's a genius. If he said no, I wasn't gonna waste my time on her father.
Amy Farrah Fowler: But you did ask my father?
Sheldon Cooper: I did. He said yes. Although not in a robot voice, so it wasn't nearly as cool.
Penny: Okay. Oh, my god, I can't believe you guys are engaged.
Sheldon Cooper: We're not engaged yet. She's taking forever to answer.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Because you're on the phone!
Sheldon Cooper: We'll call you back.
Sheldon Cooper: She said yes.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, how's Bernadette handling bed rest?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, she lies around all day eating Mallomars and hollering at me, so her transformation from my wife to my mother is complete.
Sheldon Cooper: Congratulations. I know that's what you were hoping for.

Sheldon Cooper: Uh oh!
Amy Farrah Fowler: What?
Sheldon Cooper: I left the food out.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You afraid it's gonna go *good*?

Raj Koothrappali: I'm Rajesh Koothrappali. Thank you for taking a walk with me... through the stars.
Leonard Hofstadter: That pause seems to get longer every time.
Howard Wolowitz: I do believe... you're right.

Raj Koothrappali: If Bruce Banner is driving a rental car and turns into the Hulk, do you think it's covered, or does he need to add the Hulk as additional driver?
Howard Wolowitz: You really need a girlfriend.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm trying to invite my stupid brother to my wedding, and he's avoiding my calls.
Raj Koothrappali: You don't know he's avoiding your calls.
George Cooper Jr.: Hey, you've reached George Cooper. Please leave a message, unless this is Sheldon again, in which case please try me on my other number, 1-800-SUCKIT.
Sheldon Cooper: See? And I know that's not a real number because why would it be toll-free?

Sheldon Cooper: Did she let you play with her train set?
Tam Nguyen: In a manner of speaking.

Penny Hofstadter: Champagne, a champagne, a champagne with a packet of Splenda in it.
Sheldon Cooper: You know what I call this drink?
Penny Hofstadter: A waste of champagne?
Sheldon Cooper: No. A Dr. Cooper. Because...
Amy Farrah Fowler: He is also sweet and bubbly.

Sheldon Cooper: I went down to the city compliance office to turn you in.
Howard Wolowitz: Are you kidding?
Sheldon Cooper: But I didn't do it. I filled out the form and then realized that the unwritten laws of friendship are more important than the written rules of the city of Altadena City and Planning Department.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Aw.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? Aw?
Sheldon Cooper: And you'll be happy to know that while I was there I did look into your neighbor's balcony and it is encroaching on your property line. I had all this pent-up snitch energy so I reported him hard.
Howard Wolowitz: What did they say?
Sheldon Cooper: He's going to have to remove it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: So the good guys win?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I don't know if I'd call you the good guys. You're enforcing a law on him which you're willfully ignoring yourselves.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Uh. All right, fine. The morally compromising guys win!
Sheldon Cooper: Apparently so.

Raj Koothrappali: This is nice. All my friends, hanging out, watching Ellen.It's like, what am I gonna do witih my other two wishes?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's not nice. She's having on the scientists who are trying to steal our Nobel Prize.
Sheldon Cooper: Although I will enjoy watching her expose Pemberton and Campbell as the coattail riding frauds that they are.
Leonard Hofstadter: That is Ellen's brand, gotcha journalism.
Penny Hofstadter: You should have seen her take down John Krasinsky last week. Got him to admit he loved his wife. It was brutal.

Dr. Greg Pemberton: Well, that's the great thing about science. We all get to have our own opinions.
Sheldon Cooper:
Sheldon Cooper: I'm still not talking. That's impressive, right?

Amy Farrah Fowler: We won.
Penny Hofstadter: Congratulations!
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, my god!
Sheldon Cooper: We did it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I know. Can you believe it?
Sheldon Cooper: That's a good point. What if I'm dreaming?
Sheldon Cooper: We won the Nobel Prize!