C.C. Baxter Quotes

C.C. Baxter: The mirror... it's broken.
Fran Kubelik: Yes, I know. I like it that way. Makes me look the way I feel.

Miss Kubelik, one doesn't get to be a second administrative assistant around here unless he's a pretty good judge of character, and as far as I'm concerned you're tops. I mean, decency-wise and otherwise-wise.

J.D. Sheldrake: Ya know, you see a girl a couple of times a week, just for laughs, and right away they think you're gonna divorce your wife. Now I ask you, is that fair?
C.C. Baxter: No, sir, it's very unfair... Especially to your wife.

J.D. Sheldrake: I've missed you.
Fran Kubelik: Like old times. Same booth, same song...
J.D. Sheldrake: It's been hell.
Fran Kubelik: Same sauce: sweet and sour.

C.C. Baxter: You hear what I said, Miss Kubelik? I absolutely adore you.
Fran Kubelik: Shut up and deal...

Sheldrake's Wife: What is it, Jeff? Who's on the phone?
J.D. Sheldrake: One of our employees had an accident. I don't know why they bother me with these things on Christmas day.

Oh, I have a present for you. I didn't quite know what to get you. Besides, it's kind of awkward for me shopping, so here's a hundred dollars. You go and buy yourself something.

C.C. Baxter: Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake.
J.D. Sheldrake: What do you mean, sorry?
C.C. Baxter: You're not going to bring anybody to my apartment.
J.D. Sheldrake: I'm not just bringing anybody; I'm bringing Miss Kubelik.
C.C. Baxter: Especially not Miss Kubelik.
J.D. Sheldrake: How's that again?
C.C. Baxter: No key.
J.D. Sheldrake: Baxter, I picked you for my team because I thought you were a very bright young man. Do you realize what you're doing? Not to me, but to yourself? Normally, it takes years to work your way up to the twenty-seventh floor. But it only takes thirty seconds to be out on the street again. You dig?
C.C. Baxter: I dig.
J.D. Sheldrake: So what's it going to be?
J.D. Sheldrake: Now you're being bright.
C.C. Baxter: Thank you, sir.
J.D. Sheldrake: Say, Baxter, you gave me the wrong key.
C.C. Baxter: No, I didn't.
J.D. Sheldrake: But this is the key to the executive washroom.
C.C. Baxter: That's right, Mr. Sheldrake. I won't be needing it because I'm all washed up around here.
J.D. Sheldrake: What's gotten into you, Baxter?
C.C. Baxter: Just following doctor's orders. I've decided to become a "mensch". You know what that means? A human being.
J.D. Sheldrake: Now, hold on, Baxter...
C.C. Baxter: Save it. The old payola won't work anymore. Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake.

Fran Kubelik: What do you call it when somebody keeps getting smashed up in automobile accidents?
C.C. Baxter: Bad insurance risk?
Fran Kubelik: That's me with men.

Fran Kubelik: [Baxter is straining spaghetti with a tennis racket] Say, you're pretty good with that racket.
C.C. Baxter: You should see my backhand. Wait'll you see me serve the meatballs.

Fran Kubelik: Shall I light the candles?
C.C. Baxter: It's a must! Gracious living-wise.

You fool. You damn fool.

I was jinxed from the word go. The first time I was ever kissed was in a cemetery.

I'd like to spell it out for you... only I can't spell!

Just because I wear a uniform doesn't make me a girl scout.

Fran Kubelik: I never catch colds.
C.C. Baxter: Really? I was reading some figures from the Sickness and Accident Claims Division. You know that the average New Yorker between the ages of twenty and fifty has two and a half colds a year?
Fran Kubelik: That makes me feel just terrible.
C.C. Baxter: Why?
Fran Kubelik: Well, to make the figures come out even, if I have no colds a year, some poor slob must have five colds a year.
C.C. Baxter: Yeah... it's me.

Why do people have to love people anyway?

Fran Kubelik: He's a taker.
C.C. Baxter: A what?
Fran Kubelik: Some people take, some people get took. And they know they're getting took and there's nothing they can do about it.

When you're in love with a married man, you shouldn't wear mascara.

C.C. Baxter: The mirror... it's broken.
Fran Kubelik: Yes, I know. I like it that way. Makes me look the way I feel.

C.C. Baxter: You hear what I said, Miss Kubelik? I absolutely adore you.
Fran Kubelik: Shut up and deal...

"Looks like Marilyn Monroe!"

It's a wonderful thing, dinner for two.

On November 1st, 1959, the population of New York City was 8,042,783. If you laid all these people end to end, figuring an average height of five feet six and a half inches, they would reach from Times Square to the outskirts of Karachi, Pakistan. I know facts like this because I work for an insurance company - Consolidated Life of New York. We're one of the top five companies in the country. Our home office has 31,259 employees, which is more than the entire population of uhh... Natchez, Mississippi. I work on the 19th floor. Ordinary Policy Department, Premium Accounting Division, Section W, desk number 861.

Ya know, I used to live like Robinson Crusoe; I mean, shipwrecked among 8 million people. And then one day I saw a footprint in the sand, and there you were.

That's the way it crumbles... cookie-wise.