Lester Burnham Quotes

My name is Lester Burnham. This is my neighborhood; this is my street; this is my life. I am 42 years old; in less than a year I will be dead. Of course I don't know that yet, and in a way, I am dead already.

Both my wife and daughter think I'm this gigantic loser and they're right, I have lost something. I'm not exactly sure what it is but I know I didn't always feel this... sedated. But you know what? It's never too late to get it back.

Remember those posters that said, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life"? Well, that's true of every day but one - the day you die.

Brad Dupree : Got a minute?
Lester Burnham : For you, Brad, I've got five!

It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about.

Look at me, jerking off in the shower... This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here.

Good. I'm looking for the least possible amount of responsibility.

This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts.

Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's.

Well you know what? I've changed! And the new me whacks off when he feels horny!

I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined our street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

Spec-ta-cular!

Will someone please pass the fucking asparagus?

Oh, I'm in trouble!

I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.

It's just a couch!

Oh, what? You're mother of the year? You treat her like an employee.

Janie's a pretty typical teenager. Angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her.

You better watch yourself, Jane, or you're going to turn into a real BITCH, just like your MOTHER!

That's my wife, Carolyn. See the way the handle on her pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That's not an accident.

You don't get to tell me what to do ever again.

It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.