Mary and Max Quotes

My 5th job was a garbage collector. I cleaned up after litter bugs and didn't have to talk to anybody. Sometimes I liked to pretend I was an intergalactic robot.

Recipes are like mathematical equations. Dr. Bernard Hazelhof told me you should never weigh more than your refrigerator, and to never eat anything bigger than your head. I once ate a watermelon bigger than my head, but not all at once.

It would be good if there was a Fat Fairy. She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy but would suck out your fat.

Tell Bernie Clifford your birth mark is made of chocolate, which means when you get to heaven you will be in charge of all the chocolate. This of course is a lie, I do not like lies, but in this case I think it will be of benefit. I wish I could be in charge of all the chocolate, but of course I can not, because of my Atheism.

My third job was for a company that printed logos on novelty items. I worked at the frisbee-printing machine. A frisbee is a circular plastic disc that people throw at each other, that is like a boomerang but it does not come back.

The reason I forgive you is because you are not perfect. You are imperfect. And so am I. All humans are imperfect.

Have you ever been a communist? Have you ever been attacked by a crow or similar large bird?

Dear Mary, please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection as a sign that I forgive you.

Jurors are outstanding members of the community who haven't murdered anybody.

Do you have a favourite-sounding word? My top-five are "ointment," "bumblebee," "Vladivostok," "banana," and "testicle."

I have also invented some new words. "Confuzzled", which is being confused and puzzled at the same time, "snirt", which is a cross between snow and dirt, and "smushables", which are squashed groceries you find at the bottom of the bag. I have sent a letter to the Oxford Dictionary people asking them to include my words but I have not heard back.

Butts are bad because they wash out to sea, and fish smoke them and become nicotine-dependent. I am just joking, because of course it is impossible for a cigarette to remain lit underwater. Also, fish do not have pockets to keep cigarette lighters in.

People often think I am tactless and rude. I cannot understand how being honest can be improper. Maybe this is why I don't have any friends.

Not much has happened since I last wrote except for my manslaughter charges, lotto win, and Ivy's death.

Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said if I was on a desert island, then I would have to get used to my own company - just me and the coconuts. He said I would have to accept myself, my warts and all, and that we don't get to choose our warts. They are part of us and we have to live with them. We can, however, choose our friends, and I am glad I have chosen you.

Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans. I asked my mother when I was four, and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis. If you aren't Jewish, they're laid by Catholic nuns. If you're an atheist, they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.

I was born Jewish and used to believe in God but I've since read many books that have proven God is just a figment of my imagination. People like to believe in God 'cause it answers difficult questions, like where did the universe came from, do worms go to heaven and why do old ladies have blue hair. And even though I'm an atheist, I still wear my yarmulke as it keeps my brain warm.

You are my best friend. You are my only friend.

I cannot understand how being honest can be considered improper. Maybe this is why I don't have any friends.

When I was young, I invented an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli. My psychiatrist says I don't need him anymore, so he just sits in the corner and reads.