Lucifer Morningstar Quotes

The last person I opened up to, I hurt. A lot. Let alone I've hurt my own flesh and blood. It's all I seem to be able to do.

Lucifer Morningstar: You tried waterboarding?
Mazikeen: Twice.
Lucifer Morningstar: Bamboo under the nails?
Mazikeen: Do I look like an amateur?
Lucifer Morningstar: Nickelback on repeat?
Mazikeen: That's where I started.

Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, I don't need your help anymore.
Chloe Decker: Then why are you still here?
Lucifer Morningstar: Because this case matters to you. Therefore it matters to me. We- we're partners, Detective.

Crime solving Devil, it makes sense, don't

I don't want to be a monster.

You have a light inside of you that brightens the world, and a smile so infectious that it captures the heart of anyone lucky enough to see it.

Speak of the Devil's girlfriend.

No, it's puff, puff, pass, not puff, puff, stomp angrily!

Well, we can't punish the innocent. Or even the usually guilty but innocent this one time. It's the principle of the matter.

Joel: We wanted to show the world that you-you can't just leave people.
Lucifer Morningstar: You don't get to decide who someone wants to be with.
Lucifer Morningstar: And neither do I.
Joel: Does this mean you're-you're not, you're not gonna...

You and Maze are like snow pants and elephants. You don't mix.

Detective, will you go to the prom with me?

Jay Lopez: I'll get my act together, I promise.
Lucifer Morningstar: No need to promise, Jay Lopez. Because I'll be watching you, and if you ever disappoint her again... I'll come for you.

Linda Martin: God cast you out because He needed you to do the most difficult of jobs. It was a gift.
Lucifer Morningstar: Gift? He shunned me. He vilified me. He made me a torturer! Can you even begin to fathom what it was like? Eons spent providing a place for dead mortals to punish themselves? I mean, why do they blame me for all their little failings? As if I'd spent my days sitting on their shoulder, forcing them to commit acts they'd otherwise find repulsive. "Oh, the Devil made me do it." I HAVE NEVER MADE ANY ONE OF THEM DO ANYTHING. Never.

For your penance: ten bloody Marys and a good shag.

Chloe Decker: You can't just walk in there in your three-piece suit and say,
Chloe Decker: "Hello, drug dealers!"
Lucifer Morningstar: I would never do that.
Lucifer Morningstar: Annyeong, mayagsang!

Random Guy: Have you seen the face of the devil?
Lucifer Morningstar: Oof, Every morning in the mirror, pal.

Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, i haven't heard music like that since... well, since the Silver City.
Amenadiel: What, there's no music in hell?
Lucifer Morningstar: Only for torture, and usually out of tune. Lately we've been playing music by this chap named Bieber. Gosh, you should hear the screams.

Lucifer Morningstar: Dad's all-powerful.
Axara: Works in government?
Lucifer Morningstar: Mmm. Rules the universe.
Axara: Freaking politicians.

Well, we can't punish the innocent. Or even the usually guilty but innocent this one time. It's the principle of the matter.

Lead Guard: How the hell did you make it out here anyway?
Lucifer Morningstar: Look, just give me a moment, and I'll be out of your...
Lucifer Morningstar: Look, just move.

Mazikeen: I talked to the copycat. Well, "talk" isn't exactly the right word.
Lucifer Morningstar: Well, did he scream anything of value?

Rosie Hernandez: An angel, who saved me. It flew in here, and it just chased the evil man away.
Lucifer Morningstar: I'm sorry, sorry, it's just the only thing my siblings would chase away are a good time.

Mia Hytner: Before I knew it, we were...
Lucifer Morningstar: Hitting a home run? Digging into the dugout? Slamming it out of the park?

Azrael: I mean, you know Ella, there's just something about her. She's so positive, she makes you feel like...
Lucifer Morningstar: Good about yourself.
Azrael: Yeah, exactly.

Dan Espinoza: Great work, Lucifer.
Lucifer Morningstar: Take that back!

U.S. Marshal Luke Reynolds: Jesus!
Lucifer Morningstar: Not quite.

Chloe Decker: Lucifer, oh my god.
Lucifer Morningstar: Well, there's an oxymoron.

Lucifer: Red, what did you do?
Rowena: Sped up the decaying process, my Lord. You thought Keith Richards was bad? Try Iggy Pop.
Lucifer: Oh, decapitation is far too merciful for you, Ginger Bitch!

Eve: Found a way out of heaven.
Lucifer Morningstar: I didn't think that was possible. For humans.
Eve: What can I say? I've always been a bit of a rule breaker.

You landed on my bullet wound. That's exactly the jolt of blinding pain I needed to bring me 'round.

Lucifer Morningstar: This is all your fault. You and your epiphanies. Turns out self-help is actually self-harm.
Linda Martin: Hey, Lucifer, it's okay to be afraid. That means we're making progress.
Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, we're making progress in precisely the wrong direction!
Linda Martin: Oh, Lucifer! What's happening to you?
Lucifer Morningstar: Exactly what I'd like to find out and quickly because I can't walk around like O.J. bloody Simpson forever!

Time for all good demons to go home.

Well, he's not in the Silver City now, is he? So excuse me while I go touch him. I can see how that's a poor choice of words.

The Devil solving crime. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Lucifer Morningstar: Detective, does that mean you're on my side now?
Chloe Decker: Lucifer, this is your home. I've always been on your side.

I've met your type before, so desperate to control their lives, they forget to enjoy it.

Why do humans think they can rectify one evil with another?

Lucifer Morningstar: Uh, Detective, you seem to have left on the central locking!
Chloe Decker: Act like a child, get treated like a child.
Lucifer Morningstar: Wha...? Isn't it illegal to leave your child locked in a car?

Amenadiel: Your wings are missing?
Lucifer Morningstar: Sorry, is there an echo? Isn't that what I just said?
Amenadiel: What exactly am I supposed to do with that news?
Lucifer Morningstar: Use your angelic powers to soar around the city and find them. I mean, really, what good's an angel if he can't help a brother out? Am I right?

Chloe Decker: Lucifer...
Lucifer Morningstar: Ah! Speak of the me.

I love L.A. Even the homeless have an IMDb page.

Do you want to destroy me? Get in line!

Lucifer Morningstar: I don't know if this is all part of the plan... or if you can even hear me...
Lucifer Morningstar: But if you're up there... DAD!...
Lucifer Morningstar: I need a favor...
Lucifer Morningstar: I'll be the son you always wanted me to be...
Lucifer Morningstar: I'll do as you ask...
Lucifer Morningstar: go where you want me to... I-in exchange... all I ask... is that you protect Chloe.

Lucifer Morningstar: In human terms, once upon a time, a boy met a girl, and they fell in love. They had sex. The only trouble was, they were celestial beings, so that moment created the universe.
Linda Martin: Mm, the Big Bang?
Lucifer Morningstar: Never knew how appropriate the name was until now, did you?

Lucifer Morningstar: I mean... how far can a celestial being trapped in a feeble human body for the first time get?
Mazikeen: Well let's see: she's stupid hot, wearing my clothes, and she's got a corporate credit card.
Lucifer Morningstar: Bollocks...

Ella Lopez: Time of death was two hours ago, but apparently he's been missing for almost two days.
Lucifer Morningstar: Ooh, that's a long time on a sex rack. Not a record, but quite impressive.

Lucifer Morningstar: Room mates? You and detective Decker? Hoh... no no no no no no. And have I mentioned no. And also: no!
Mazikeen: You're not my boss anymore.
Lucifer Morningstar: Well, that may be. But I can't have the women in my life teaming up. I'll be outnumbered. Dad forbid you manage to have sex with her before I do.

Corrina Huff: Maddie was a friend. The person who introduced me to the Glory Way. God, I can't believe that she's dead.
Chloe Decker: I'm sorry. The glory what?
Lucifer Morningstar: The glory hole.
Corrina Huff: The Glory Way

Lucifer Morningstar: Right, I'm clearly needed on the front lines. You just stay here and do what you do best.
Lucifer Morningstar: Nada.

I'm the Devil. I speak everything.

Chloe Decker: Hey. I've been looking for you everywhere. I tracked your phone's GPS.
Lucifer Morningstar: Well, here I am.
Chloe Decker: Well, we should wrap up the arrest report. And by that I mean paperwork, not some celebratory drink that you'll then turn into a moment.
Lucifer Morningstar: Yes, Well... I've changed my mind about that, actually. I've realised it would never work out between us.
Chloe Decker: Really?
Lucifer Morningstar: Yes. So from now on, no more attempts at moments. I'd be honoured to simply continue working by your side. If you'll have me.
Chloe Decker: Of course.
Lucifer Morningstar: Good.
Chloe Decker: Yeah. It's not like you to give up.
Lucifer Morningstar: No, I haven't given up. I had an epiphany of sorts. You deserve someone worthy of you. And that isn't me.
Chloe Decker: That's not what I've been saying, Lucifer.
Lucifer Morningstar: I know. It's what I'm saying. You deserve someone better. Because you, Detective, are selfless to a nauseating degree. You always put your daughter first, even though the ungrateful urchin does nothing to contribute to the rent. So... You deserve someone worthy of that grace. Someone who knows that every crime scene breaks your heart, even though you'd never admit it. Someone who actually appreciates your impossibly boring middle name, "Jane". And more importantly, Detective, you deserve someone as good as you. Because, well, you're special and I'm... I'm not worth it.
Chloe Decker: Yeah. You're probably right.
Lucifer Morningstar: Detective...?

Chloe Decker: Hey. I've been looking for you everywhere. I tracked your phone's GPS.
Lucifer Morningstar: Well, here I am.
Chloe Decker: Well, we should wrap up the arrest report. And by that I mean paperwork, not some celebratory drink that you'll then turn into a moment.
Lucifer Morningstar: Yes, Well... I've changed my mind about that, actually. I've realised it would never work out between us.
Chloe Decker: Really?
Lucifer Morningstar: Yes. So from now on, no more attempts at moments. I'd be honoured to simply continue working by your side. If you'll have me.
Chloe Decker: Of course.
Lucifer Morningstar: Good.
Chloe Decker: Yeah. It's not like you to give up.
Lucifer Morningstar: No, I haven't given up. I had an epiphany of sorts. You deserve someone worthy of you. And that isn't me.
Chloe Decker: That's not what I've been saying, Lucifer.
Lucifer Morningstar: I know. It's what I'm saying. You deserve someone better. Because you, Detective, are selfless to a nauseating degree. You always put your daughter first, even though the ungrateful urchin does nothing to contribute to the rent. So... You deserve someone worthy of that grace. Someone who knows that every crime scene breaks your heart, even though you'd never admit it. Someone who actually appreciates your impossibly boring middle name, "Jane". And more importantly, Detective, you deserve someone as good as you. Because, well, you're special and I'm... I'm not worth it.
Chloe Decker: Yeah. You're probably right.
Lucifer Morningstar: Detective...?

Charlotte: Detective
Dan Espinoza: Counselor.
Lucifer Morningstar: Douche.
Dan Espinoza: Dick.

Chloe Decker: You are lucky my daughter likes you so much.
Lucifer Morningstar: Yes, I'm starting to respect the deceptive little parasite.
Chloe Decker: Oh, well, that's nice.

You are a patronizing, sinister... helicopter parent!

Charlotte: I just want a chance to start - OVER.
Lucifer Morningstar: But... going HOME?... That's not starting over-that's-that's going BACKwards...
Lucifer Morningstar: ... and that's not good for anyone... so it's time for you to move forward, mum.

Marcus Pierce: You must be Lucifer.
Lucifer Morningstar: Morningstar, pleasure.
Marcus Pierce: There was an investigation last year. We interviewed, what was it, 92 of your sexual partners? I think I'll refrain from physical contact if you don't mind.
Marcus Pierce: You don't seem reckless. Narcissistic, hedonistic. That I see.
Lucifer Morningstar: Well, thank you very much.
Marcus Pierce: Not a compliment. Your file's as long as my johnson.
Lucifer Morningstar: Quick read then?
Marcus Pierce: Hardly.
Lucifer Morningstar: Well, I for one don't need a file to ascertain you haven't even had a snog in ages, have you?
Marcus Pierce: Accurate.

Chloe Decker: What is going on here? And how did you get that horse?
Lucifer Morningstar: What horse?

Chloe Decker: That was Trixie's school calling. Apparently, she's been using some very creative language today.
Lucifer Morningstar: Oh. Do tell.
Chloe Decker: Well, she called her math homework a "cluster duck" and her teacher a "mother flunker".
Lucifer Morningstar: Did she not call anyone a "sock sucker"?
Lucifer Morningstar: What? It's just someone who sucks socks.
Chloe Decker: I can't believe you're teaching my daughter loophole swear words.
Lucifer Morningstar: In my defense, "mother flunker" was entirely the little deviant's creation. And very clever of her, I might add.

Ms Lopez, you are an enigma, wrapped in a hoodie under a jaunty ponytail.

Reese Getty: She cares for you. How'd you do that? How did you convince her that the Devil, of all people, was good?
Lucifer Morningstar: I don't know. I just... showed her my true self.
Reese Getty: But how could she accept you after that?
Lucifer Morningstar: Well, maybe she did because of that.