Mrs. Doubtfire Quotes

Take five. Take five million. You're dead.

Daniel: It's not working. I need to go older.

Cop: Ma'am, are you aware that it's against the law to possess animals of a barnyard nature in a residential area?
Miranda: What if you're married to one?

Stu: What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. See ya.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Loser? Oh, yeah.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, sir. I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff, Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists! They ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting. I'll get them, sir. Don't worry.

Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"?

I bring home a birthday cake and a few gifts. You bring home the goddamn San Diego Zoo and I have to clean up after it!

Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire.
Mrs. Doubtfire: What?
Miranda: You're going into the men's room.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Huh? Oh, so it is. I do need new glasses dear. Sorry.

Daniel: I feel like Gloria Swanson.
Frank: You look like her mother.
Daniel: I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

Frank: She wants to know if you want to come stay with her.
Daniel: No way!
Frank: He says he'll think about it, Ma.

Frank: Older? You mean like a Shelley Winters older, or Shirley MacLaine older?
Daniel: What's the difference?
Frank: Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.
Daniel: What about Joan Collins?
Frank: Oh, I don't think I have the strength. But I have some plaster.

Frank: Would you be careful with this one? She's an old woman.
Frank: Why wasn't I an only child?

Daniel: Could you make me a woman?
Frank: Honey, I'm so happy!
Daniel: I knew you'd understand.

Maitre D': Smoking or non-smoking?
Stu: Non-smoking.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Smoking!

Stu: Your day's on me, Mrs Doubtfire. Anything you need, just put on my tab, okay?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, thank you, dear.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Touch me again, and I'll drown you.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo, hmm? The Bone Dancer, Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop, a bit of the old Cunning Linguistics?
Stu: Mrs. Doubtfire, please.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh I'm sorry, am I being a little graphic? I'm sorry. Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.

Mrs. Doubtfire: What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself?
Miranda: Yes, I did.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, it reeks of taste!

Mrs. Doubtfire: Dear, I always say, a flawed husband is better than none at all.
Miranda: Who needs a husband when I've got you?

Miranda: The whole time? I mean the whole time?
Miranda: The whole time?

Ah! Norman Bates!

Well now that you know, You can't tell mom, Because If she finds out, I'll only be able to see you through plate glass, OK? and you can't tell Natalie, cause she'll blow my cover.

Isn't this posh? I'll bet it's very exclusive, probably need a credit reference just to get in the pool.

Newspaper? Are you taking one of those personal ads: DWF seeks WWM with BMW into light B&D?

Oh, as I hold this cold meat, I'm reminded of Winston.

I admire that honesty, Natalie, that's a noble quality. Never lose that, because it often disappears with age, or entering politics.

They should have a little disclaimer that says "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching This Show". Incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. Amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mister Rogers look like Mick Jagger.