Tyrion Lannister Quotes

They need to know our Queen is responsible for it. The Sons of the Harpy have a good story. Resist the foreign invaders. Our Queen has an even better story. Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, all that.

Lord Varys: Where are you going?
Tyrion Lannister: I need to speak to someone with hair.

Tyrion Lannister: You're an awful traveling companion, do you know that? Possibly the least charming man I've ever met.
Jorah Mormont: I'm not your traveling companion.
Tyrion Lannister: We are traveling together, in each other's company, therefore...
Jorah Mormont: Do you ever shut up?
Tyrion Lannister: I sailed from King's Landing to Pentos in a crate without ever saying a word!
Jorah Mormont: Why?
Tyrion Lannister: It never occured to you to ask why until now? You never wondered why Tyrion Lannister decided to visit a brothel in Volantis?
Jorah Mormont: I'm sure you've visited many brothels in many cities.
Tyrion Lannister: I killed my father. He wanted to execute me for a crime I didn't commit. And he was fucking the woman I loved.

Podrick Payne: There's something else, my lord. A man, I didn't know his face, he came to ask if I'd testify against you. Said I'd be named Ser Podrick Payne if I told the judges you'd bought a poison called the strangler.
Tyrion Lannister: Ser Podrick Payne? Has a nice ring to it. What did you tell him?
Podrick Payne: I didn't tell them anything, my lord.
Tyrion Lannister: Are you going to accept their offer?
Podrick Payne: My lord.
Tyrion Lannister: Testifying against me wasn't a suggestion. If they can't tempt you with honey, they'll choose something less sweet.
Podrick Payne: You've been good to me, my lord.
Tyrion Lannister: Pod, the trial's in a fortnight. They'll want an answer before that.
Podrick Payne: I already gave them an answer, my lord.
Tyrion Lannister: I will *not* have you dying on my behalf. Do you hear me? If I have to take that long walk to the executioner's block, I don't want to see your head already mounted.
Podrick Payne: My lord.
Tyrion Lannister: Pod, I am giving you an order. Go and find my brother. Tell him I need him. And get yourself out of King's Landing before it's too late.
Tyrion Lannister: Pod!
Tyrion Lannister: This is farewell.
Podrick Payne: Farewell, my lord.
Tyrion Lannister: Pod.
Tyrion Lannister: There has never lived a more loyal squire.

Tyrion Lannister: A wise man once said a true history of the world is a history of great conversations in elegant rooms.
Missandei: Who said this?
Tyrion Lannister: Me, just now.

Daenerys Targaryen: You freed your brother.
Tyrion Lannister: I freed my brother and you slaughtered a city.

Tyrion Lannister: A highborn knight from the north of Westeros down on his luck in Essos. Dragon epaulets, bear sigil breastplate. You're Jorah Mormont.
Tyrion Lannister: I have to ask - how *exactly* were you serving your Queen in a whorehouse half a world away? Is it possible that you were running? Why would you be running? And why would she have sent you away?
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, wait. You were spying on her, weren't you? It's all coming back to me. I was drunk through most of the Small Council meetings, but it's all coming back. You passed notes to Varys' little birds.
Tyrion Lannister: She found out, didn't she? Found out and exiled you. Now you hope to win back her favor with a gift. Risky scheme. One might even say desperate. You think Daenerys will execute me and pardon you? I'd say the reverse is just as likely.

Tyrion Lannister: A highborn knight from the north of Westeros down on his luck in Essos. Dragon epaulets, bear sigil breastplate. You're Jorah Mormont.
Tyrion Lannister: I have to ask - how *exactly* were you serving your Queen in a whorehouse half a world away? Is it possible that you were running? Why would you be running? And why would she have sent you away?
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, wait. You were spying on her, weren't you? It's all coming back to me. I was drunk through most of the Small Council meetings, but it's all coming back. You passed notes to Varys' little birds.
Tyrion Lannister: She found out, didn't she? Found out and exiled you. Now you hope to win back her favor with a gift. Risky scheme. One might even say desperate. You think Daenerys will execute me and pardon you? I'd say the reverse is just as likely.

Long, sullen silences and an occasional punch in the face. The Mormont Way.

Sometimes duty is the death of love. You are the shield that guards the realm of men.

Daenerys Targaryen: Get him out of my sight.
Jorah Mormont: Khaleesi, please, I just need a moment of your time. I brought you a gift.
Tyrion Lannister: It's true. He has.
Daenerys Targaryen: Who are you?
Tyrion Lannister: I'm the gift. It's a pleasure to meet you, Your Grace. My name is Tyrion Lannister.

Daenerys Targaryen: Get him out of my sight.
Jorah Mormont: Khaleesi, please, I just need a moment of your time. I brought you a gift.
Tyrion Lannister: It's true. He has.
Daenerys Targaryen: Who are you?
Tyrion Lannister: I'm the gift. It's a pleasure to meet you, Your Grace. My name is Tyrion Lannister.

Someday, if you decide not to execute me, I'll tell you all about why I killed my father. And on that day, should it ever come, we'll need more wine than this.

Daenerys Targaryen: So I should welcome you into my service because you murdered members of your own family?
Tyrion Lannister: Into your service? Your grace, we have only just met. It's too soon to know if you deserve my service.

Tyrion Lannister: If it weren't for you, I never would have survived my childhood.
Jaime Lannister: You would have.
Tyrion Lannister: [shakes his head, on the verge of tears] You were the only one... who didn't treat me like a monster. You were all I had.

In my experience, eloquent men are right. Every bit as often as imbeciles.

Tyrion Lannister: It's easy to confuse what is with what ought to be, especially when what is has worked out in your favor.
Hizdahr zo Loraq: I'm not talking about myself. I'm talking about the necessary conditions for greatness.
Daenerys Targaryen: That is greatness?
Hizdahr zo Loraq: That is a vital part of the great city of Meereen, which existed long before you or I and will remain standing long after we have returned to the dirt.
Tyrion Lannister: My father would have liked you.

Lord Varys: Hello, old friend. I thought we were so happy together until you abandoned me.
Tyrion Lannister: I suppose there's no point asking how you found me.
Lord Varys: The birds sing in the west, the birds sing in the east, if one knows how to listen. They tell me you've already found favor with the Mother of Dragons.
Tyrion Lannister: Well, she didn't execute me, so that's a promising start. Now the heroes are off to find her, and I'm stuck here trying to placate a city on the brink of civil war. Any advice for an old comrade?
Lord Varys: Information is the key. You need to learn your enemy's strengths and strategies. You need to learn which of your friends are not your friends.
Tyrion Lannister: If only I knew someone with a vast network of spies.
Lord Varys: If only. A grand old city, choking on violence, corruption, and deceit. Who could possibly have any experience managing such a massive ungainly beast?
Tyrion Lannister: I did miss you.
Lord Varys: Oh, I know.

The next time I have an idea like that... punch me in the face!

Maybe Cersei will win and kill us all. That will solve our problems.

Slavery is a horror that should be ended at once. War is a horror that should be ended at once.

Lord Varys: Cersei has offered a lordship to the man who brings her your head.
Tyrion Lannister: She ought to offer her cunt. Best part of her for the best part of me.

One day, after our queen has taken the Seven Kingdoms, I'd like to have my own vineyard. Make my own wine. The Imp's Delight. Only my close friends could drink it.

Thank you for the armada. Our Queen does love ships.

Tyrion Lannister: You have your armies, you have your ships, you have your dragons. Everything you've ever wanted since you were old enough to want anything, it's all yours for the taking. Are you afraid?
Tyrion Lannister: Good. You're in the great game now. And the great game's terrifying. The only people who aren't afraid of failure are madmen like your father.
Daenerys Targaryen: Do you know what frightens me? I said farewell to a man who loves me. A man I thought I cared for. And I felt nothing. Just impatient to get on with it.
Tyrion Lannister: He wasn't the first to love you and he won't be the last.
Daenerys Targaryen: Well, you have completely failed to console me.
Tyrion Lannister: For what it's worth, I've been a cynic for as long as I can remember. Everyone's always asking me to believe in things. Family, gods, kings, myself. It was often tempting until I saw where belief got people. so I said, "no, thank you," to belief. And yet, here I am. I believe in you. It's embarrassing, really. I'd swear you my sword, but I don't actually own a sword.
Daenerys Targaryen: It's your counsel I need.
Tyrion Lannister: It's yours. Now and always.

Tyrion Lannister: If we turn the dragons loose, tens of thousands will die in the firestorms.
Ellaria Sand: It's called war. If you don't have the stomach for it, scurry back into hiding.
Tyrion Lannister: I know how you wage war. We DON'T poison little girls here. Myrcella was innocent.
Ellaria Sand: She was a Lannister. There are no innocent Lannisters. My greatest regret is that Oberyn died fighting for you.
Daenerys Targaryen: That's enough! Lord Tyrion is Hand of the Queen, you will treat him with respect. I am not here to be Queen of the Ashes.
Olenna Tyrell: That's very nice to hear. Of course, I can't remember a queen who was better loved than my granddaughter. The common people loved her, the Nobles loved her, and what is left of her now? Ashes. Commoners, Nobles, they're all just children, really. They won't obey you unless they fear you.
Daenerys Targaryen: I'm grateful to you, Lady Olenna, for your counsel. I'm grateful to all of you, but you have chosen to follow me. I will not attack King's Landing. WE will not attack King's Landing.

I trust the eyes of an honest man more than I trust what everybody knows.

Tyrion Lannister: Flee, you idiot.
Tyrion Lannister: You idiot. You fucking idiot.

Davos Seaworth: This is Gendry.
Tyrion Lannister: He'll do.

Sandor 'The Hound' Clegane: Seems every bad idea has some Lannister cunt behind it.
Tyrion Lannister: And some Clegane cunt to help them see it through.

Many underestimated you. Most of them are dead now.

At least Cersei won't get to murder me... I'm sure I'll feel some satisfaction denying her that pleasure while I'm being ripped apart by dead men... Maybe after I'm dead... I'll march down to King's Landing and rip her apart.

Sansa Stark: You were the best of them.
Tyrion Lannister: What a terrifying thought.

Where to begin... this is awkward.

Joffrey Baratheon: Traitors! I'll have their heads!
Tyrion Lannister: Oh you blind, bloody fool!
Joffrey Baratheon: You can't insult me!
Tyrion Lannister: We've had vicious kings, and we've had idiot kings, but I don't think we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!
Joffrey Baratheon: You can't!
Tyrion Lannister: I can, I am!
Joffrey Baratheon: They attacked me!
Tyrion Lannister: The threw a cow pie at you so you decide to kill them all? They're starving, you fool! All because of a war you started!
Joffrey Baratheon: YOU'RE TALKING TO A KING!
Tyrion Lannister: And now I've struck a king! Did my hand fall from my wrist? Where is the Stark girl?
Joffrey Baratheon: Let them have her!
Tyrion Lannister: If she dies, you'll never get your Uncle Jaime back! You owe him quite a bit, you know!

It's hard to put a leash on a dog once you've put a crown on its head.

Any time a Targaryen is born, the gods flip a coin.

Any time a Targaryen is born, the gods flip a coin.

I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid.

Don't fight for a king. Don't fight for his kingdoms. Don't fight for honor, don't fight for glory, don't fight for riches, because you won't get any. This is your city Stannis means to sack. That's your gate he's ramming. If he gets in it will be your house that burns. Your gold he steals, your women he rapes. Those are brave men knocking at our door. Let's go kill them!

I'm a monster, as well as a dwarf. You should charge me double.

Cersei Lannister: A bit of a comedown from chamber of the Hand. But then I don't suppose you need much room.
Tyrion Lannister: Grand Maester Pycelle made the same joke. You must be proud to be as funny as a man whose balls brush his knees.

Cersei Lannister: You're a clever man. But you're not half as clever as you think you are.
Tyrion Lannister: Still makes me more clever than you.

Shae: We have to protect her.
Tyrion Lannister: We can't. Now that the Lannisters have discarded her, Sansa will have many suitors. A great beauty with a very old name.
Shae: A great beaut... oh, a great beauty?
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, she is, objectively, very. Her face is quite pleasing to other men, and to women, people in general. But not to me, of course. I only have eyes for you.
Shae: You pervert! You want her? This child?
Tyrion Lannister: I don't even want to talk about her.
Shae: But you ARE!
Tyrion Lannister: Only because you're making me!
Shae: I didn't force you to open your mouth and make words come out.
Tyrion Lannister: This is cruel and unfair. Cruelly unfair.
Shae: Aww, the cruelty. "Shae's so cruel to me."
Tyrion Lannister: Mmm, yes.
Shae: Now do you think I'm cruel?
Tyrion Lannister: Only if you stop.

Tyrion Lannister: Master of Coin?
Tywin Lannister: It would appear to be a position that best suits your talents.
Tyrion Lannister: I'm quite good at spending money, but a lifetime of outrageous wealth hasn't taught me much about managing it.

Lord Varys: I was going to tell you the story of how I was cut. Do you want to hear it still?
Tyrion Lannister: I don't know. Do I?
Lord Varys: As a boy, in Myr, I traveled with a troupe of actors through the Free Cities. One day, a man approached my master with an offer too tempting to refuse. I feared the man meant to use me, as I'd heard some men use small boys, but what he wanted was far worse. He gave me a potion that made me powerless to move or speak, yet did nothing to dull my senses. With a hooked blade, he sliced me, root and stem, chanting all the while. He burned my parts on a brazier; the flames burned blue, and I heard a voice answer his call. Still dream of that night. Not of the sorcerer, not of his blade... I dream of the voice. Was it a god? A demon? Some conjurer's trick? I don't know, but the sorcerer called and a voice answered. And ever since that day, I have hated magic, and all who practice it. But, you can see why I was eager to aid in your fight against Stannis and his Red Priestess: a symbolic revenge, of sorts.
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, I feel the need for actual revenge. Against the actual person who tried to have me killed, which will require a certain degree of influence, which...
Lord Varys: You do not possess at the moment. But influence is largely a matter of patience, I find. Once I had served the sorcerer's purpose, he threw me out of his house, to die. I resolved to live, to spite him. I begged, I sold what parts of my body remained to me, I became an excellent thief. And soon, learned that the contents of a man's letters are more valuable than the contents of his purse. Step by step, one distasteful task after another, I made my way from the slums of Myr to the Small Council Chamber. Influence grows, like a weed. I tended mine, patiently, until its tendrils reached from the Red Keep, all the way across to the far side of the world where I managed to wrap them around something very special.
Tyrion Lannister: The sorcerer.
Lord Varys: Hello, my old friend. It's been a long time. I have no doubt, the revenge you want will be yours in time if you have the stomach for it.

Cersei Lannister: Margaery has her claws on Joffrey. She knows how to manipulate him.
Tywin Lannister: Good. I wish you knew how to manipulate him. I don't distrust you because you're a woman. I distrust you because you're not as smart as you think you are. You've allowed that boy to ride roughshod over you and everyone else in this city.
Cersei Lannister: Perhaps... you should try stopping him from doing what he likes.
Tywin Lannister: I will.

Tywin Lannister: There, you see? You will wed her, bed her, and put a child in her. Surely you're capable of that.
Tyrion Lannister: And if I refuse?
Tywin Lannister: You wanted to be rewarded for your valor in battle. Sansa Stark is a finer reward than you could ever dare hope for. And it is past time you were wed.
Tyrion Lannister: I was wed. Or don't you remember you?
Tywin Lannister: Only too well.
Cersei Lannister: You should be thanking the gods for this. This is more than you deserve.
Tywin Lannister: Tyrion will do as he's bid.
Tywin Lannister: As will you.
Cersei Lannister: What do you mean?
Tywin Lannister: You'll marry Ser Loras.
Cersei Lannister: I will not.
Tywin Lannister: The boy is heir to Highgarden. Tyrion will secure the North. You will secure the Reach.
Cersei Lannister: No, I won't do it.
Tywin Lannister: Yes, you will. You're still fertile. You need to marry and breed.
Cersei Lannister: I am Queen Regent, not some broodmare. You're my daughter! You will do as I command and you will marry Loras Tyrell and put an end to the disgusting rumors about you once and for all.
Cersei Lannister: Father, don't make me do it again, please.
Tywin Lannister: Not another word!
Tywin Lannister: My children. You've disgraced the Lannister name for far too long.

Protestor: Brother fornicates with sister in the bed of kings. Are we surprised when the fruit of their incest is rotten? Yes. A rotten king.
Tyrion Lannister: It's hard to argue with his assessment.
Bronn: Not after what he did to your birthday present.
Tyrion Lannister: The king is a lost cause. It's the rest of us I'm worried about now.

Tyrion Lannister: I don't suppose there is anything we can do about this?
Cersei Lannister: We can have them both killed.
Tyrion Lannister: It's hard to say which of the four of us is getting the worst of the arrangement. Probably Sansa. Though Loras will certainly come to know a deep and singular misery.
Cersei Lannister: Father doesn't discriminate.

Tyrion Lannister: She's a child.
Bronn: She's a foot taller than you.
Tyrion Lannister: A tall child.
Bronn: What's the youngest you've ever had?
Tyrion Lannister: Not that young.
Bronn: How much older?
Tyrion Lannister: Older.
Bronn: You're a lord, she's a lady, and a beauty at that. I don't see the problem.
Tyrion Lannister: Shae's not going to like it.
Bronn: Shae is a whore! Are you going to marry her? Eh? How did marrying a whore work out for you the first time?
Tyrion Lannister: I should never have told you about that.
Bronn: You want Shae, keep her. Wed one and bed the other. All you have to do is get a son in the Stark girl. He'll be lord of Winterfell one day; you can rule the North in his name. You'll have two women and a whole kingdom of your own.
Tyrion Lannister: Two women to despise me and a whole kingdom to join them.
Bronn: You waste time trying to get people to love you. You'll end up the most popular dead man in town.
Bronn: You want to fuck that Stark girl. You just don't want to admit it.
Tyrion Lannister: I don't pay you to put evil notions in my head. The ones already there don't need company.
Bronn: You pay me to kill people who bother you. Evil notions come free.

I promise you one thing, my lady. I won't ever hurt you.

Joffrey Baratheon: Everyone is mine to torment! You'd do well to remember that, you little monster.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, "monster". Perhaps you should speak to me more softly then. Monsters are dangerous and, just now, kings are dying like flies.

Tyrion Lannister: How long does it go on?
Cersei Lannister: Until we've dealt with all our enemies.
Tyrion Lannister: Every time we deal with an enemy, we create two more.
Cersei Lannister: Then I suppose it will go on for quite a long time.

Bronn: How many Dornishmen does it take to fuck a goat?
Tyrion Lannister: Please don't.

A toast. To the proud Lannister children: the dwarf, the cripple, and the mother of madness.

Jaime Lannister: To tell you the truth, this isn't so bad. Four walls. A pot to piss in. I was chained to a wooden post, covered in my own shit, for months.
Tyrion Lannister: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Jaime Lannister: Maybe a bit.
Jaime Lannister: I'm sorry I didn't come sooner.
Tyrion Lannister: It's complicated, yes. So how is our sister?
Tyrion Lannister: How do you think? Her son died in her arms.
Tyrion Lannister: "Her" son?
Jaime Lannister: Don't.

Tyrion Lannister: Father, I wish to confess. I wish to confess!
Tywin Lannister: You wish to confess?
Tyrion Lannister: I saved you. I saved this city. All your worthless lives. I should have let Stannis kill you all.
Tywin Lannister: Tyrion, do you wish to confess?
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, father. I'm guilty. Guilty. Is that what you want to hear?
Tywin Lannister: You admit you poisoned the king?
Tyrion Lannister: No. Of that, I'm innocent. I'm guilty of a far more monstrous crime. I'm guilty of being a dwarf.
Tywin Lannister: You are not on trial for being a dwarf.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh, yes I am. I've been on trial for that my entire life.
Tywin Lannister: Have you nothing to say in your defense?
Tyrion Lannister: Nothing but this: I did not do it.
Tyrion Lannister: I did not kill Joffrey, but I wish that I had! Watching your vicious bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores!
Tyrion Lannister: I wish I was the monster you think I am! I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you! I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it!
Tywin Lannister: Ser Meryn! Ser Meryn, escort the prisoner back to his cell!
Tyrion Lannister: I will not give my life for Joffery's murder and I know I'll get no justice here, so I will let the gods decide my fate. I demand a trial by combat.

Tyrion Lannister: Not going well, is it?
Jaime Lannister: You're going to be found guilty.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh! You think so?
Jaime Lannister: When you are, you need to enter a formal plea for mercy and asked to be sent to the Wall. Father's agreed to it. He'll spare your life and allow you to join the Night's Watch.
Tyrion Lannister: Ned Stark was promised the same thing, and we both know how that turned out.
Jaime Lannister: My father isn't Joffrey. He'll keep his word.
Tyrion Lannister: How do you know?
Jaime Lannister: Do you trust me?
Jaime Lannister: Keep your mouth shut, no more outbursts. This will all be over soon.

Who does Cercei plan on naming as a champion? I hope It's Ser Meryn Trent. I'd enjoy watching Bronn disembowel that pompous child beater.

Jaime Lannister: I made a deal for you to keep your ungrateful head on your ungrateful neck a little while longer.
Tyrion Lannister: I'm sorry, what am I grateful for? The opportunity to live and die at the wall as punishment for a crime I did not commit?
Jaime Lannister: You threw your life away. You threw it away! It's not a joke. You understand that, don't you?
Tyrion Lannister: Of course it's a joke, just not a very funny one. I couldn't... I couldn't listen to her, standing there, telling her lies. I couldn't do it!
Jaime Lannister: You fell in love with a whore.
Tyrion Lannister: Yes, I fell in love with a whore. And I was stupid enough to think that she had fallen in love with me. That deal you made, it was everything Father wanted. You do see that? He gets you back as his heir. The future lord of the Rock. And he ships me off to Castle Black, out of sight at last. All so perfect. It felt good to take that from him. He knows I'm innocent and he's willing to sacrifice me anyway.
Jaime Lannister: He's willing to sacrifice any of us.
Tyrion Lannister: Not you! You're the golden son! You could kill a king, lose a hand, fuck your own sister, you'll always be the golden son.
Jaime Lannister: Careful. I'm the last friend you've got.
Tyrion Lannister: At least I got to tell them what they really are.
Jaime Lannister: Yes, brilliant speech. They'll be talking about it for days to come. I thought you were a realist. Didn't realize you would die for pride.

Tyrion Lannister: Oh, get on with it, you son of a whore!
Jaime Lannister: Is that any way to speak about our mother?

A drunken dwarf will never be the savior of the Seven Kingdoms.