How I Met Your Mother quotes

Barney Stinson: Stop pining over Marshall and Lily! Have some self respect. Now put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with...
Ted Mosby: Barney! I'm allowed to miss them alright? They're my two best friends.
Barney Stinson: I'm your two best friends!

Barney Stinson, Ted Mosby

Ted Mosby: Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?
Barney Stinson: No, not really.
Ted Mosby: T'was the night before, I had hours to kill. I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.
Barney Stinson: With quill?
Ted Mosby: Barney. It's a poem.
Ted Mosby: A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin.Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "you're a teacher?" I said, "yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned. "I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper To my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.

Ted Mosby, Barney Stinson

Barney Stinson: How do you keep a girl from becoming a girlfriend? The rules for girls are the same as the rules for Gremlins.
Ted Mosby: Gremlins?
Barney Stinson: Gremlins. Rule 1: Never get them wet; in other words, don't let her take a shower at your place. Number 2: Keep them away from sunlight; i.e., don't ever see them during the day. And rule number 3: Never feed them after midnight; meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever!
Ted Mosby: What about brunch. Is brunch cool?
Barney Stinson: No, Ted. Brunch is not cool.

Barney Stinson, Ted Mosby