Bad Moms Quotes

Oh, hey, I know you. You're that chick that always picks up my kid from school when I forget-slash-don't want to.

My kid still watches Sesame Street and he doesn't get it.

I'm not gonna wear this sweatshirt ever again.

Oh, wow. This bra will be the death of your vagina!

Quitting is for dads!

I'm pretty sure my brother-in-law just joined ISIS and he's a Jew.

Oh my gosh, she just got her sadness all over me.

That bitch is playing a dangerous game...

Dr. Karl : Okay, remember when I said that all marriages are savable? Well, it ain't gonna happen for you guys.
Amy : So what do you think we should do?
Dr. Karl : Well, as a therapist, I'm not allowed to tell you what do to. But, uh, as a human being with two fucking eyes in my head, yeah I think you should get divorced as soon as possible. This is some catastrophic shit.

Dylan : Hey so, where's my science project?
Amy : Oh, I didn't do it.
Dylan : What? But it's due today!
Amy : Yeah. I know, I know. I'm so sorry, but you're going to actually have to start doing your own homework from now on.
Dylan : I am a slow learner, remember?
Amy : You're not a slow learner, you're just entitled... do you know what 'entitled' means?
Dylan : No. Because I'm a slow learner.
Amy : It means that mummy and daddy have been spoiling you, and now you think that the world owes you something, but it doesn't. And if you don't learn how to work hard now, then you're going to just grow up to be like another entitled little white dude who thinks he's awesome for no reason. And then you'll start a Ska Band and it'll be awful and you'll be mean to girls, and you'll grow this ironic moustache to look interesting but you won't actually be interesting, and I'm not okay with that so would you please, please just do your own homework?

Amy : Oh, my God, are you...?
Mike : No, no, no, I was just checking my prostate.
Amy : You know, I've always wondered what kind of porn you like.
Mike : Why won't this fucking window close?
Amy : Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!
Sharon : Uh, who the hell are you?
Amy : I'm his wife.
Sharon : Oh, shit.

Principal Burr : I found marijuana cigarettes in your daughter's locker. Now, it looks like Sour Diesel or a little Afghan Kush.
Amy : That's impossible; she's only twelve!
Principal Burr : It happens. Snoop's been smoking since he was five.

Jane : How do you know?
Amy : Because I'm your mom. I know what you're made of.

Carla : Hey, Jaxon. I made you lunch today. It's some humus wrap with some kale.
Jaxon : Gross!
Carla : Yeah, I know, it sounds totally disgusting, but it's supposed to be good for you, so... And I'm gonna come to your baseball game tomorrow night.
Jaxon : For real?
Carla : I'm gonna stay the whole stupid game. Mmm-hmm. Because... I love you, and stuff. Still cannot believe I pushed that thing outta my chooch.