Larry David Quotes

Christina: Did you know that spicy food makes a man's cum taste delicious?
Larry David: I did not know that.

Cheryl David: I am glad you're here.
Larry David: Are you? I never thought I'd hear those words come out of your mouth.

Hey, I'd know that tush anywhere!

I think you took the ball, stashed in your unusually large vagina, and marched right out of here.

The ass is part of my snuggle.

I told her about the smiley faces. I can't stand it. And everybody uses them! What are they going to be in newspapers soon? The New York Times headline - Unemployment Drops, Smiley Face.

Larry David: Instead of going in and ordering a "Ted Danson" people go in ordering a "Larry David". What's the difference?
Ted Danson: One tastes good, one sucks!

Anyway, I'd better shut up, because I plan on-I'm planning on a big move later and I think I might hurt my chances if I keep criticizing your food.

Jeff Greene: Who are you?
Larry David: I'm Larry David.
Jeff Greene: And what do you enjoy?
Larry David: I enjoy comfort found in wearing women's panties.

Doctor: Based on your signs and symptoms, when you twisted your body, your testicles got ensnared in the fly of your underwear, which acted like a noose, and it caused scrotal hematoma and contusion.
Leon Black: Twisted balls.
Doctor: In layman's terms, yes. It's...
Leon Black: Twisted balls.
Doctor: It's not as bad as it sounds. It's a bruising, which will probably last about a week or so.
Larry David: Oh, OK.
Doctor: But, I would definitely recommend switching to a style of underwear with no fly.
Larry David: No Fly Zone? Is that what you're telling me? I'm not wearing that underwear. OK?
Leon Black: You gotta do it, man. You got long balls, Larry. Long balls. You've got long-ass balls.
Larry David: I've got long balls?
Leon Black: Doc, you've seen his balls, right?
Larry David: Would you say my balls were unusually long?
Doctor: They're a bit more distended than the average testicles.
Leon Black: You got long-ass balls, Larry. "Long Ball Larry." That's your new name.
Larry David: Long balls. Who the hell knew?
Leon Black: Long balls. Change your drawers.

Susie Greene: Fuck you Larry, this is bullshit motherfucker. You are such a bald asshole I can't believe it.
Loretta Black: Who the FUCK do you think you're talking to? Nobody talks to my man like that. You better get your ass out of my house. You fucking bitch!
Larry: goodbye!

Leon Black: Ass is Ass, Larry.
Larry David: Ass is not ass.
Leon Black: Ass is ass.
Larry David: Well, you don't have to tap every ass!

I'm going to hate myself more than normally.

Larry David: I knew that big penis was nothing but trouble.
Fire Chief: I'm sorry, what?
Larry David: I knew that big penis was nothing but trouble.
Fire Chief: Okay, I guess I heard what you said - I just don't know what you're talking about.

You know what it is? You're always attracted to someone who doesn't want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn't want you... doesn't even acknowledge your right to exist, wants your destruction! That's a turn-on.

Susie Greene: What is that, Lar?
Larry David: Enjoy.
Susie Greene: This is what you bring?
Larry David: It's Italian bread.
Susie Greene: Yeah but this doesn't go with my menu. You don't know what I'm serving. Don't impose your desires on my whole cuisine!

Susie Greene: What is that, Lar?
Larry David: Enjoy.
Susie Greene: This is what you bring?
Larry David: It's Italian bread.
Susie Greene: Yeah but this doesn't go with my menu. You don't know what I'm serving. Don't impose your desires on my whole cuisine!

Larry David: He didn't - he didn't really care for Jews. He thought they were a bit much.
Greg: I would kick his butt.
Larry David: Would you!
Greg: Yes.
Larry David: Good for you.
Larry David: What's that - what are you watching in there?
Greg: "Project Runway." Good show.
Larry David: And what do you like about it?
Greg: The fashion! It's, like, the best show ever!
Larry David: You like fashion?
Greg: Yes. I do.
Larry David: Hmm.
Greg: Ooh! What's that right there?
Larry David: Oh, that's called a, uh, swastika.
Greg: I like how the lines just go straight and then up and then down and then straight and then up and then down. It's *beautiful.* My birthday's coming up in a week, so - can you get me one?
Larry David: A swastika?
Greg: Yeah.
Larry David: I - I don't know, Greg, I'll have to think about that.
Greg: They should start selling them in every gift shop in New York City.
Larry David: Yeah, I don't think Jews would like that.
Greg: Get a life, Jews!

Richard Lewis: Listen, Saturday night, do me a favor. I love you, all right? We have enough good stuff in the bank to get over this. But Saturday night, at dinner, could we maybe, maybe try to have an apology from you?
Larry David: First of all, there's no way I can have dinner with you on Saturday night. That's out.
Richard Lewis: Hold it... am I hearing this?
Larry David: I'm not... have dinner? Dinner?
Richard Lewis: You know, our relationship's at stake right now.
Larry David: Huh?
Richard Lewis: The relationship's at stake.
Larry David: Get outta here!
Richard Lewis: You better call me later on, by sundown.
Larry David: By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper, by sundown?
Richard Lewis: That's funny. You know, I'm trying not to laugh, but that's funny. You better call me by sundown.
Larry David: By sundown? Is the posse gonna come get me?
Richard Lewis: That's right.

Leon Black: Well what kinda cum was it, first of all?
Larry David: What do you mean, "What kinda cum?" Cum is cum.
Leon Black: Cum is not cum, Larry.
Larry David: Cum is cum.
Leon Black: Well, it couldn't have been mine. You know why? Cuz I gets mines, Larry. I brings the ruckus to the ladies.

Jeff... You know, I never said anything, but I noticed you use way too much mayo. You know, when they make tuna, there's already mayo in it. You don't have to put it on the bread.

See this thing? It's a mezuzah. Got that? And I need you to put it over the door here. This is like a Jewish thing - you know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite in the neighborhood will know that we live here, in case they want to burn down the house.

Drug Dealer: I can get you an ounce of, you know, some real hydroponic, scientific stuff, but that'll run you five hundred bucks.
Larry: Hydroponic?
Drug Dealer: Yeah.
Larry: I'm not looking for a sound system, my friend.

Jeff Greene: What happened to you?
Larry David: I fell in the toilet.
Jeff Greene: How did you fall in the toilet?
Larry David: I went to go pee and the seat was up.
Jeff Greene: What does that have to do with you?
Larry David: I pee sitting down.
Jeff Greene: You pee sitting *down*?
Larry David: Yeah! Have you ever tried it?
Jeff Greene: No!
Larry David: It's more comfortable. When you get up during the night you don't have to turn the light on and wake up. And you get to read.
Jeff Greene: What are you reading?
Larry David: I'm reading a lot of stuff.
Jeff Greene: What stuff?
Larry David: If I pee 20 times during a day, I can get through the whole New York Times for God's sake!
Jeff Greene: 20 times?
Larry David: Yeah! Hey buddy, while you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learning something!

Larry: That shish-kebab, the whole night I couldn't get rid of it.
Ben Stiller: Uh, yeah. I have a scratched retina.
Larry: Oh.

Larry David: I think I tipped that guy twice.
Jeff Greene: What? Why wouldn't he tell you?
Larry David: Because he got twice the money.
Larry David: Why?

Larry David: Yeah. Yeah! Hey, hey, look at you, look at you!
Bald Chef: Yeah, look at you!
Larry David: When did you start losing it?
Bald Chef: Uh, I started losing when I was fifteen.
Larry David: Fifteen, wow, earlier than me, yeah.
Bald Chef: Yeah, a little bit earlier. You know, I actually like it.
Larry David: Ah. Yeah. Me too.
Bald Chef: Just put a little sunscreen on, it's fine.
Larry David: Yeah, a lot of sunscreen, right? Can't go outside without the sunscreen. No convertibles.
Bald Chef: No convertibles!
Larry David: Oh, God, I hate that!
Bald Chef: Absolutely. Because you have to wear a hat, if you're going to be in a convertible, and then you look like you're trying to hide something.
Larry David: Oh, well, that's what they do, these guys with the hats, don't they? They wear it all the time, and they'll meet a girl or something and then they'll show up on a date, what are they gonna do? They gonna take the hat off? They have a terrible decision to make...
Bald Chef: Right, right, and then the girl's gonna be like, "I didn't know you were bald."
Larry David: Yeah, yeah. "You misrepresented yourself!"
Bald Chef: Exactly. "You're a liar!"
Larry David: Minoxidil?
Bald Chef: No. You?
Larry David: No.
Bald Chef: Every day for the rest of your life you have to...
Larry David: Oh my God the drops and everything? I ain't gonna do that...
Bald Chef: ...and then they gotta massage it in.
Larry David: ...it's crazy, yeah. Ugh.
Bald Chef: There's something psychologically going wrong with them...
Larry David: Psychologically wrong with THEM? What about the transplant people?
Bald Chef: Oh! I hate those people.
Larry David: Toupee? Hmm?
Bald Chef: No.
Larry David: [skeptically] Huh?
Bald Chef: Oh, no. Absolutely not!
Larry David: Those guys, they should kill those guys.
Bald Chef: Exactly.
Larry David: I'm surprised Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.
Bald Chef: Yeah?
Larry David: I mean if I'm going to be a sick megalomaniac, to round up people who I hated, they would be on my list. I would say, "Get, get the toupee people."
Bald Chef: Absolutely.
Larry David: I'd have my henchmen going around, tugging at people's hair; if it comes off...
Bald Chef:"BALDEN! Come with me!" Yeah.
Larry David: "... ACH! Balden!"

Take a pop!

Larry: I can't believe this guy's converting. Why's he doing that? You guys come to our side, we don't go to your side. Yeah. Jews don't convert. I'm really surprised.
Cheryl David: Well, you know what, if he didn't convert she wouldn't marry him. I know that about Becky, she's very... she's very passionate about her religion.
Larry: Why do Christians take everything so personally with Christ, ya know? It's like not only do you have to worship him, you want everybody to. It's like I like lobster. Do I go around pushing lobster on people? Do I say you must like lobster? "Eat lobster, it's good, it's good!" It's not only where you live, you go to Africa, you travel all over the world, "Eat lobster! Have some more lobster, it's good."
Cheryl David: I don't really think it's the same...
Larry: "WE WANT YOU TO HAVE LOBSTER!"
Cheryl David: Lobster and religion, I really don't see the similarities.

Jeff Greene: Hey, do you want to have dinner tomorrow before the show?
Larry David: Oh, I don't know...
Cheryl: We've got plans.
Larry David: We don't have plans, we just don't want to have dinner with you.
Cheryl: Larry...

Larry David: What?
Larry David: What?
Cheryl David: What? We got the paper, that's what
Cheryl David: .
Cheryl's Father: Devoted sister, beloved CUNT? Huh? That's what you put in the paper?
Larry David: Oh God... this is a typo! That's aunt, that should be AUNT!
Cheryl David: Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?
Larry David: No, they have proofreaders at these places!
Cheryl's Father: The woman lives a decent life and this is how she ends up? Beloved cunt? My wife is upset! I'm just glad you weren't in charge of the headstone!

Larry David: Thanks so much for stopping. Man oh man, I've been so lost, I mean I've been driving around for a half hour here, I'm just trying to get back to, um, to the freeway, to L.A...
Brian: You don't recognize me, do you?
Larry David: No...
Brian: From the driving range, the other day? You're the, uh, you're the guy from the driving range. I was right behind you on the range...
Larry David: Oh, right! Right! Wow!
Brian: ...right, and you wouldn't help me out with the ball? The range ball, it fell and you wouldn't help me out with the ball...
Larry David: The ball? Oh, no no no... you know what? My back was killing me that day, I couldn't bend down.
Brian: Oh, your back was... I didn't pick up on that because you were hitting the ball so well, you were swinging great...
Larry David: No, that's twisting. I could twist, I couldn't bend.
Brian: Ohh, ah, OK, right... difference, yeah. Two different things.
Larry David: It's a big difference, really. Oh my God, you must have thought I was such an asshole.
Brian: Well I... you know, I didn't know why you wouldn't help me with the ball.
Larry David: Oh god, what kind of prick doesn't pick up somebody's ball.
Brian: I thought you could help out a little bit, but... I understand.
Larry David: You know what, I would have picked up the ball in a second if I could bend down.
Brian: It's your back, it was your back, right.
Larry David: Completely. I'm sorry. I apologize.
Brian: Sure. No, I understand, I understand. It's OK, it's alright.
Larry David: Wait a second... are you going to Gil's party?
Brian: Yeah that's why I'm... you know Gil? Oh, from the club, you must know Gil? I'm old friends with Gil, yeah, we... buddies for a long time.
Larry David: So, uh, can I follow you over there?
Brian: Should you be going to the party with your back? I mean, can you bend over, can you bend with your back?
Larry David: Yeah...
Brian: Well then maybe you should just bend over and kiss my ass, and maybe next time you'll remember to uh, pick up the fucking golf ball.